Stories, testimonies, advice, prayer and encouragement.

[Niki]

Oh, I suppose I should be just a little more clear. I mentioned my husband wanting to get the kids and bring them to his sister's for the weekend a few towns over. He wants me to stay home. The reason my kids could be hurt is because they're going to want to know why I'm not going (if my husband doesn't change his mind about that) and I'm not going to lie. I will tell them that I do, but that daddy wants me to stay home. They will ask why. I don't know what I'm going to say, but it won't be a lie. I'm not going to sin against God for anyone.

Besides not wanting my kids' hearts to get broken, I also don't want them to lose respect for their father. They won't look up to him as much if they find out that he doesn't want to live here anymore and that he doesn't want me to go with them for the weekend.

But as I said, I believe that even if things work out the way I don't want them to, it could still have a positive effect. Maybe it'll be the wake-up call my husband needs, seeing his kids' reactions to the truth. Though I'd much rather it not take their hearts getting broken.

~

[Niki]

Well, nothing happened. My son was with my mom (he doesn't like shopping and I had to get groceries and a new church dress for my daughter - on sale, of course) and either he called his daddy or his daddy (my husband, just to be clear) called him. I hadn't said anything about the birthday party my son had been invited to (by friends at church) because my husband had told me not to plan anything with the kids so that he could get them. I didn't want him to get mad at me about our son going to a birthday party. I figured I'd let things just play out. Maybe if/when my son found out about spending the weekend with daddy, he'd choose that over the party.

Anyway, when my husband found out about the party from our son, who was/is excited about going, my husband told him that he had planned on getting him and our daughter and bringing them to their aunt's for the weekend, but for our son to go on to the party and have fun.

I was surprised by that. I had prayed for nearly 2 hours last night, mostly about my husband and the situation with him, and had prayed while getting ready this morning. I had asked God to either perform a miracle in my husband so that his heart would be softened by the time he got here, or for him to have to go out of state for work.

I wonder if maybe my husband wouldn't have the proper attitude or be ready emotionally or spiritually to do what's right or to handle things fairly if he had come today. He told our son that he would try next weekend.


I had no fear about what could have happened today. God has given me peace, strength and courage. I was ready to face whatever may have happened. I don't think my husband was and maybe God won't allow him to come until my husband is ready to do things right. That's what I feel anyway. I could be wrong.


I have gone deeper in God. I feel closer to Him than I have in a long time. I told God in prayer last night that I want the fire back that I had many years ago when I was really on fire. Only now I understand some things better.


I hope that y'all will continue to pray for my family.

Oh, and about the dress I bought my daughter, using part of the grocery money (because that's all the money I get), it was on sale for $10 marked down from $70. Isn't that great? God really helped me there. I was also able to get her new church shoes (the ones she had are too small) for a decent price.

God is helping and blessing. And after the time I spent in prayer last night, I feel strongly that God is starting to work.


My kids and I talked for awhile last night, before I prayed, about God, the Holy Ghost, church, the power of God, angels, etc. I also talked to them about their father. They ask me all the time why he doesn't go to church and are always saying that they wish he would get back in church. I told them that God puts a hedge of protection around those who serve him and that when daddy started missing a lot of church because of work, he got to where he didn't want to go anymore. And that the longer he stayed away from church, the weaker he got and the enemy was able to put holes in his hedge and is attacking him and hanging onto him and telling him not to go back to church. I explained to my kids that we can fill in those holes by praying for him until he gets refilled with the Holy Ghost and gives his life back to God.

My kids always love it when I talk to them about spiritual things and ask for more. I told them something I heard Bro. Stoneking say once. When you talk about Jesus, He comes. They asked if He was here right now and told them that He was and that He likes it when we talk about Him and church and things. They liked that.

Before praying, I told them to pray for their daddy and that they could either pray in their rooms, or join me in the front of the house. They stayed in their rooms at first, but drifted in and out a few times, asking questions. My son eventually stayed in his room (he had a bad headache; I laid hands on him and prayed for him), but my daughter joined me after awhile. She knelt at one of the chairs in the living room first for a few minutes or so and then got on the couch. I don't know if she was actually praying, but her head was bowed. It's a start. She's always been more sensitive to the Holy Ghost than my son.

It is my prayer that they both receive the Holy Ghost this year. My son is 13 and my daughter is 10.


Sorry this is so long.

~

[Niki]

I forgot to add, and maybe I've said it here before, that when I was talking to God today I told Him that I want very much for Him to save my husband and heal our marriage not only because it's needed, but also because I want very much to be able to testify to others of what God has done. When I imagine things being made right, I also picture myself getting very excited about telling others what God has done.

Does that sound silly?

Some know about what's going on with my husband (few know the details) and I want so badly to be able to finally tell them that my husband has been refilled with the Holy Ghost and come home. I want them to have that encouragement and to hopefully feel the same excitement.

It seems like so many give up on their marriage when their spouse walks out or breaks their vows or says or does hurtful things. I want others who are going through marriage troubles or who will go through marriage troubles to have faith and to hold on and to know that God can heal their marriage.

Don't give up. Don't quit loving your spouse or praying for him/her. Don't quit filling your God-commanded role in the marriage just because your spouse has. If you're the wife, continue to be submissive in all things that don't go against God's Word. Have a meek and a quiet spirit. Whether you're the husband or the wife, get as close to God as you can, praise Him for the victory, and pray that His holiness, His righteousness, His mercy, His love, His peace and His joy would shine through you to your spouse. Do not return evil for evil. Do good to your spouse, in spite of their wrong. If you're the wife, continue to be the helpmeet God wants you to be.


I'm trying to be and do these things and I want very much to be able to share with others that, with God's help, it works. And at the very least, God will bless you for it.

I'm itching to testify that God has brought my husband back home and that he has given his life back to God. I'm beyond ready for things to reach that point. I'm looking forward to the day when I can share that testimony.

~

[Niki]

Well, my husband came this evening to get the kids and things didn't go well. They expected me to go with them and when my husband told them to get their stuff so they could go, my son said, "Aren't you going?". I said, "No." He asked why and I told him the truth. "Daddy wants me to stay home." My son asked why and I said, "I don't know. Ask Daddy." (Said calmly with no attitude.) So he asked him why and my husband said, "Get your stuff and let's go." He wouldn't answer.

As we stood in the garage, my daughter put her arms around me and started crying. My husband asked her what was wrong and she couldn't talk because she was crying. She eventually was able to tell me that she wanted it to be all four of us, which I then told him. He kept asking her if she wanted to stay home or go with him. (I guess he just couldn't give her the third option of all four of us going.) She couldn't answer. I stood there with her arms around me and mine around her, praying that God would step in and help.

My son looked at me and my husband and said, "You two aren't getting a divorce, are you?" My husband said nothing. I said, "No, we're not. Divorce is a sin and I'm not going to sin against God. Besides, I made a vow that I would stay married to daddy until death and I keep my vows." (Yes, possibly a little passive aggressive, but still the truth.) I spoke calmly when I said this.

After a little while, my son got in the work truck my husband had come in and my husband asked our daughter a few more times what she wanted to do. Then he drove off with her standing there crying.


I don't understand it. He hasn't seen her (or our son) since Christmas and he just drives off, leaving her crying? Why couldn't he give her the third option of the four of us being together? It seems very cold-hearted to me.

My daughter cried for a long time on the couch with her head in my lap. Her heart is so broken over this. (I fought my own tears back. If I had started, I would have cried for a long time and that would've just made my daughter cry more.) She told me that she doesn't like what Daddy did, but she still loves him. I said, "Me too." I also told her that Daddy loves her and explained to her that when people quit serving God, they get all mixed up in their heads and in their hearts. That daddy is confused and that when he gives his life back to God, things will be right again. We just need to pray for him.

Of course, he blames me for our daughter crying. "She wouldn't be crying if you hadn't said anything." I know my daughter. She definitely would've cried if they had left and I had stayed behind, even if I hadn't said anything. She's very attached to me and won't even spend the night with Grandma, two minutes away, because she misses me too much and cries for me. Believe me, my mom and I have tried, only for my mom to have to bring my daughter back home because she misses me and is crying.

What was I supposed to do when my son asked if I was going? Lie? I'd rather my husband be mad because I told the truth than sin against God by lying.


My husband says he and our son will only be gone one night (at his sister's in Raleigh), but my son is wanting to stay longer and my husband told him they'd talk about it. (My husband will be working during the day in a town close to Raleigh, so he wouldn't actually be spending his days with daddy.) I'm hoping that while he's with his daddy tonight and tomorrow that he'll say some things that will touch my husband.


I'm not giving up on my husband just because he keeps doing the wrong things. I still love him and I still believe that God will work on him and make things right.


Y'all please help me pray.

~

[awilkes05]

*tight hug*

I'm sorry it didn't work out Nikki. Hate your children had to go through that too. 

I still have no words. I do like to leave you a "hug" though just to let you know that even though I don't know what to say, I am reading this and think about your situation often and that I am still praying...

[Niki]

I really need y'all to pray. Things went bad yesterday after I picked up my son from his aunt's apartment in Raleigh. My husband had gone to MS for work on Monday or Tuesday (he had gotten our son Saturday evening) and we found out later from him that he was in SC on his way back.


While waiting for my son to get his stuff together, I made a joke, an observation, without an angry or mean tone, that it was kind of funny that my husband had brought our son there to spend time with him, but then had to go out of state and not spend time with him. My 21-year-old nephew, who apparently hasn't quite grown up yet, tattled to my husband later and repeated it to him as if I'd said it in a snarky, malicious way. Which I did not. It was merely an observation. Something I had found kind of funny and ironic. Had I known that it would've been taken completely the wrong way, I wouldn't have said it. I didn't know it would get twisted and blown up.

My husband, who knows I don't lie to him and never have, is believing his nephew over me. It has been blown way out of proportion. (I keep trying to tell him that it was just a joke.) He called me last night accusing me of things that are not true and wouldn't really let me get a word in edgewise. Then he hung up on me.

One of the things he's accusing me of is turning the kids against him. I think he said that because our daughter cries whenever he calls wanting to talk to her. She refuses to speak to him. (Because of what he did on Saturday.) I keep telling her to talk to him, but she won't.

I tried explaining to him (on the phone, and then later in texts and an email) that I'm not turning the kids against him. That I tell them that he loves them and that all I've said to them is what he heard me say when he came to get them. They don't know he doesn't want to live here. They don't know about the hurtful email he sent me last year, full of lies and false accusations. They don't know about the camper he bought to stay in. (Though he's actually staying with his sister in Raleigh now when he's in NC.) But as I told him, even if I never say anything more to them about what he's done, they're going to get hurt by what he's done because he's gone. They're not stupid. And if/when they ask questions, I'm not going to lie. I will be gentle and only say what truly needs to be said to answer their questions. Nothing more. I'm trying to protect them from getting as hurt as I am.

I also tried to explain to him that what I said yesterday was a joke that has been blown way out of proportion.

*sigh* It hurts to be lied on and falsely accused and then have your husband (or anyone), who you've never lied to, choose not to believe you or even listen to you.


But I'm trusting God to work things out for my good and the good of my family. I have to trust Him.

~

[awilkes05]

Wow Nikki. Just more to add to the hurt huh? *hug*  Sorry....

I'm w/ you though.  I"ll trust God w/ you to turn things around and work it for your good!

[Niki]

I wrote an email to my husband last night explaining to him what the truth of things is and telling him how much I love him. Naturally I'm not going to copy and paste the email here. lol But I do want to share this one small part of it.


"It's funny, maybe some would say insane, but I feel like I love you more than ever. I'm not sure why. It's certainly not because of how you've been treating me. lol Maybe loving God more has something to do with it. Maybe pleasing Him and living for Him and getting closer to Him also increases the love we have for others as our love increases for Him."


It's true. As crazy as it might seem, I really do love my husband more than I ever have before. And as I said above, it's not because of how he's been treating me. Being rude and mean and making false accusations don't make love grow. I have to give the credit to God. I believe that the closer we get to God, the more we love Him. And the more we love Him, the more we love others.

~

[Niki]

I just posted in the Prayer Request section of the board a request for prayer for my husband and his family. His oldest sister Vicky was found dead yesterday. They don't know yet how she died.

A few days ago, I had this funny feeling that something was going to happen soon, but of course I didn't know what. It didn't feel bad or good. I can't really explain it. I don't know if it was because of my husband's sister's death that was, at the time, going to happen soon or not.

Also, one of the things I pray when I pray for my husband is that God would wake him up somehow. Either through a dream or a vision or a word of prophecy or a word of wisdom, or either facing death (without dying, of course) and having his eyes opened and helping him to see again that heaven is real and hell is real and that he's going to spend eternity somewhere someday. (Was that a run-on sentence? I think it was. Sorry.) Of course, when I prayed that prayer I never imagined that the death would be someone else's. If her death even has anything to do with it.

My husband has a dangerous job and it's not unheard of for someone to have an accident on the job or to even die. It's certainly well within the realm of possibility that my husband could face death on the job someday, even if he doesn't actually die or get injured. It could happen that he could look death and eternity in the face and have to face the fact that he's going to spend eternity somewhere and that if he stays on the road he's on now, it won't be heaven.

Could it be that the death he faces is that of his sister's? Could it be her death, rather than facing the possibility of his own, that wakes him up? I'm praying that God uses her death to wake him up and his family.


My husband texted me the news of her death right before midnight tonight. I texted him back that I was shocked and truly sorry and that my heart hurts. I also told him that if he were here I would hold him if he let me and that I love him.

Her death truly saddens me and of course I've cried. If he goes to Oklahoma for her funeral, I don't know if he'll want me to go with him or not. But of course I will if he wants me to. I wish so much that he was here for me to hold him and comfort him. My heart breaks for him and his sisters and Vicky's children and grandchildren.


I wrote in my last post about how that since I've been praying more and have grown closer to God, my love for God has gotten stronger and the love I have for my husband has grown. I love him more now than I ever have. When I was praying a couple days ago, I told God that I don't believe He would've either caused me to love my husband more or allowed the love within me to grow for my husband if He wasn't going to bring him back to me. That would be cruel and my God isn't a cruel god. He doesn't tease us or play tricks on us or dangle carrots in front of us. It's just caused me to believe even more that my husband will come back home.


So anyway, please continue to pray for my husband and me. And please pray that God will help him and his family in this time of grief and that somehow he and his family will be saved through this.

~

[awilkes05]

Praying here Niki.  So sorry to hear that. *hugs*

[awilkes05]

Nikki, how is your family doing? Did you attend the services?

[Niki]

I haven't heard anything yet about a funeral. I mean, I'm sure there'll be a funeral or memorial service sometime, but I haven't heard when. My kids talked to my husband last night and he said he was on his way to Oklahoma City. He said he was going there for work, but that's where his sister, as well as another sister and their kids, live. So it makes me wonder if he's actually going to the service. If so, he probably has their other sister, who he's been staying with in Raleigh, with him.

I had emailed him and told him that I wanted to be there for him as he grieved for his sister as I was when he lost his mother in February 2007. I had held onto him as he cried for her and I cried with him. It hurts to think that he doesn't want my comfort and my love now.


But I believe that God is going to bring my husband back home.

~

[Niki]

I just listened to the message Sis. Vesta Mangun preached about Intercessory Prayer at Ladies Landmark Conference last year. It took me a long time to listen to it because I kept pausing it to take notes. I wrote down nearly everything she said. lol I want to share some of it with y'all.

"No soul is saved without intercession."

"Praying in the Holy Ghost and intercessory prayer moves the hand that rules the universe. Not eloquence. It's not art. It's agonizing, travailing, unceasing, importunate, effective prayer."

"Pray until you hear from God."

"This kind of prayer will overcome demonic, Satanic conspiracies. It will overcome and divide demonic confederacies against me. It will destroy yokes and remove burdens. It will destroy oppression and depression and the spirit of destruction. It will rebuke the enemy. It will destroy the works of the devil. It will quench the fire of the enemy. It will break the powers of darkness. It will release the sword of the Spirit."

"It releases the blood of Jesus over my family and over my church."

"Put it in the hands of God. He's got a way of taking care of everything, of anything you go through, anything you ever face."

"It binds and looses and roots out and pulls down and unlocks prison doors and sets captives free."

"It looks the forces of evil in the eye and says, 'Now!' "

"God can redeem anyone through intercessory prayer."

" 'Devil, you're not going to accuse me and say that I didn't raise my children right or that I didn't take care of my husband, that I did this or I did that, or did the other. You're not going to lay that guilt on me. I am not guilty of anything you said to me.' "

"The devil wants you to give up on yourself, on your husband, on your family, on your children. He wants you to feel like you have no hope and accept your situation and say, 'That's just how it is. This is my lot in life. So I might as well just give up on these precious things that belong to me.' "

"The devil is a liar! He's the father of lies."

" 'Take your dirty, filthy hands off of my family and off of me and go back to the pit where you came from.' "

"There are no impossibilities with my God!"

"Is there anyone saved who wasn't in the beginning a rebel? Were not all of us born with our backs against God? Didn't God have to call us and woo us? Did we not all, like Adam, run and hide and resist the wooing and the drawing of God's Spirit until it became so persuasive and compelling that it finally became easier to yield than to continue that rebellion? And at that point rebellion crossed over to surrender, not because the will was coerced, but because it was more painful to resist what they were feeling from another world and they had to yield. And their will yielded because enough of prayer power was pressuring them out of that rebellious situation."

"God does nothing but in answer to prayer. This includes the salvation of your family. No soul is saved apart from intercession. Don't give up!"

"There's nobody beyond His reach."

"Jesus gave us authority over all the enemy."

"Cry out. Plead the blood. 'Shake them, turn them. Speak into their spirits and into their minds and into their souls.' "

"If God said it, He will do it!"

"Travail in prayer."

"God, capture the rebels!"

"Refuse to let go!"


-----------------------------------------------

That's not even everything I wrote down. lol I hope y'all like what Sis. Mangun had to say about intercessory prayer.

~

[Niki]

For the first several months after my husband shattered my heart, I was in a very dark place. The first couple months were the darkest. The devil saw his opportunity to come in and completely destroy me. I hadn't been faithful to the house of God in about two years (only going a handful of times) and this had weakened me spiritually. Then my husband changed and the devil stepped in. Even though my husband gave his word last July that he wasn't going to leave me, the devil told him to leave me and he did. Whether it be through speaking to him directly or speaking to him through someone he knows. Either way, the devil spoke and my husband obeyed.

After the devastating email my husband sent me on August 31st, I spiraled into a very deep, very dark pit of despair. The devil told me many times that I would be better off dead and that I should kill myself. I thought about that a lot, thanks to the devil's voice, and thought about how I would do it. I almost went through with it once. An opportunity suddenly presented itself and I went for it. I was afraid of what would happen, but I went for it anyway. But God stopped it.

I was very angry at God for many months, though I didn't turn my back on him. I would threaten to and even start to. I told God that if He didn't bring my husband back home to me by a certain time, I wasn't going to serve Him anymore. (He had chosen my husband for me, knowing he would do this to me.) That I would still go to church in the hopes that my kids would be treated better by Him. I didn't (and don't) want my kids to go to hell, so I told God I would still go to church for my kids. But that I was through with Him for myself if He didn't bring my husband home by a certain time.

Serious stuff.

It was funny because even in the midst of my anger and my threats, I still prayed and I still begged God to help me and to bring my husband back home. I never stopped praying. And as a result of my prayers, my faith was made strong again and I grew closer to God. And then He brought me peace that passes all understanding. And then a month or two ago, I realized that not only had my love for God grown, but so had my love for my husband.

God is love. The Bible says that if we don't love others, including our enemies, we are not a child of God and neither do we know Him.

It's because I've grown closer to God, who is love, that I love my husband more. It's not possible to truly be close to God and not be changed for the better. It's not possible to truly be close to Him and not love everyone the way God loves us. It's just not possible.


When my husband walked out on me and broke my heart worse than it's ever been broken before, the devil meant it for my bad. But God works all things out for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The devil saw it as his chance to put the final nail in my spiritual coffin and possibly even put me in an actual coffin. He saw it as his chance to turn me away from God completely and forever. He thought that he could cause me to turn my back on God and never serve Him again.

But the devil was wrong. The devil is a liar and the father of all lies.

Instead of turning my back on God, I turned to  God. I didn't run from  Him, I ran to  Him. I didn't take my final spiritual breath, I got renewed in the Holy Ghost. I didn't kill myself, and I stopped praying that something would happen to me to end my life. Instead, I held on, though it felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails. I got stronger. Thanks to God. All glory belongs to Him.


God has made me promises that I know He will keep. People break their word and their promises and their vows, but God never does. He doesn't lie. He will do what He said would do.

When I was praying the other night, I spoke some things in faith and I felt God speak to me in a very strong and real way and say, "If you worship Me, I will do it."

And so I worship Him. And I trust Him. And I believe that He will keep the promises He has made to me. Knowing this makes me rejoice. I did rejoice that night after He spoke to me. I'm sure if anyone had seen me they would've thought I looked foolish and possibly insane. lol But I worshipped with abandon. I danced and I leaped and I ran and I laughed and I cried. I thanked God over and over.

God will do what He said He would do. This brings me joy. This keeps the fear away, which He took from me months ago. I get excited when I think of His promises to me. I get excited when I picture it happening. What a day that will be!

~

[awilkes05]

Wow, that's awesome Niki. I would love to meet you someday!

[Niki]

We haven't heard anything from my husband since this past Monday morning. It was a text in response to a text our daughter had sent him. Nothing since then. The last time he texted me was Friday, August 6th. He's made no contact with me since then and no contact with our daughter since last Monday. I think our son tried to call him and text him from my mom's phone a few times this past week, but got no response.

I'm worried. Please help me pray that I hear from him soon. And that it's not bad news.


Also, my kids need clothes, shoes and school supplies before the 25th, when school starts. I'll need him to put money over into the joint account for that. But if he's not getting his messages or checking his emails, my kids won't have anything they need. My son can't even get his tennis shoes on, they're so small. I really need him to make contact with me or get my messages and emails so that I can get my kids what they need, as well as know that he's okay. I emailed him about the kids needing clothes and supplies for school about a month ago, but haven't since then because I don't want to nag. But now it's coming down to the wire.

Please pray he contacts me to let me know he's okay and please pray he puts the money over I need to get my kids what they need.


Thank you for your prayers.

~

[Niki]

I just got a text from my husband. He's fine and still in Oklahoma. Now I just need him to give me the money I need to get our kids the things they need. Please continue praying. Thank you.

[awilkes05]

Glad he texted you Niki! I know you were relieved! Praying for him to give the money but if not, you know as well as I, God will provide another way for the need to be bet. 

[Niki]

My husband gave me the money and I was able to get them most of what they needed (in terms of clothes and accessories) on Friday. I told him that the open houses are tomorrow evening and that I'll be getting the supply lists at that time. I will then let him know a rough guess of how much it will cost so that I can get the supplies they need on Tuesday.


I spent over an hour in prayer last night and was greatly touched by God. It was one of those prayer times when you expect something awesome to happen because you feel God so strongly. I wouldn't have been all that surprised if an angel had appeared or if something else amazing had happened. God's presence was so strong. At one point as I was praying for my husband (I prayed for others as well), I felt God's power and anointing in a real and mighty way and I felt like God was touching my husband as I prayed.

Prior to that point in prayer where I felt like God had stepped into the room in a powerful way, I had sobbed and told God that I am tired of being strong. I'm tired of doing this alone without my husband. I'm tired of raising our kids by myself. I'm tired of being the spiritual head of our home. It's not my place. I'm tired of my husband not being here to stand by me, to hold me, to be strong for me when I am weak (I'm just a woman - the weaker vessel), to help me raise our kids in church and to help me make sure our kids know God and serve God and are ready for heaven. I want my husband by my side serving God with me, worshipping God, and doing a work for God.

I'm tired of waiting. Tired of holding on. And by that I don't mean that I'm going to let go and quit serving God. It'd just be nice if I weren't just holding on. I want victory. I can't help but wonder, "When's it my time to be blessed? When's it my time to breathe easily again? When's it my time for victory?"

I don't expect my life to be a bed of roses once the victory comes. I know life will always have hard times. It'd just be nice if this  hard time was done.

I've been holding on and believing and waiting and praying for over a year. I've been faithful to God and my husband for over a year. (Well, I've always been faithful to my husband, just so we're clear.) I obey God, I worship Him, I serve Him, I put my trust and my life in His hands. I'm tired of the battle.

Does this mean that I don't believe that God is going to bring my husband home? No, it does not. I feel like God has told me that He is  going to bring my husband home and refill him with the Holy Ghost. I just want that time to be now. It's been so long.

I see others being blessed, their prayers getting answered, God doing wonderful things for their lives. I don't wish it was me instead of them. I rejoice with them. I just can't help but wonder, as I said, when's it my turn?


Sorry for the whining. Please continue to pray.

~

[awilkes05]

That's not whining Niki. I totally understand what you are saying. *hugs* Glad to see an update and to hear about that awesome prayer meeting.

[Niki]

I wrote this at my blog:

This is my current Facebook status:

"I hated missing church today [yesterday], but I just wasn't feeling well. Not so much sick as just feeling run down and wore out. And I don't think my life is anywhere close to as busy as the lives as many others. I reckon I'm just a fragile creature. lol"

In my last entry I wrote about how being in the sun and heat effected me, even in that short amount of time. I felt a little better after awhile, but I never felt well or like myself. I don't know if being in the sun and heat truly had anything to do with how I felt for the rest of Saturday and most of yesterday or not, or if it's just that the busy-ness of the past couple weeks finally caught up to me. Or perhaps it was a combination. Either way, I feel rather pathetic about it. So many people have truly busy lives, day in and day out, and they don't crash like this. I spent all of Saturday night (up until the time I managed to get myself to bed) and all of yesterday sitting on the couch and not liking it.

Or maybe I'm just coming down with something. Though I am feeling a little better now, so who knows?

I was also feeling a little down and depressed Saturday night and cried some as I sat on the couch and talked to God. People tell me I'm strong and that they admire how I'm handling things, and sometimes I do feel strong (with all credit going to God), but I'm tired of being strong. I've told God as much. I'm tired of holding on and waiting. But I feel like it's the only choice I have. The only wise and right choice anyway. My other choice is to give up and I'm not one to give up. No matter how tired or weak I feel.

In my mind, and even my heart, I know that everything is going to be okay. Not just okay, but really good again someday. I feel like it will be soon. But when you've been holding on for so long (sometimes it feels like for dear life), it gets very tiring and discouraging, regardless of what you know. It's been over a year now since things changed.

When it first began, I was in a very dark place for a few months, as I've written before, and I gradually clawed my way out of that dark place. For several months now I've felt better emotionally than I did last year and I've been stronger spiritually than I've been in about ten years. I've been not just hoping  for things to turn around, but expecting it with great joy and excitement. It was like I could feel it in my bones.

Then Saturday I sort of crashed out of the blue. I don't know if it's because doubt crept in or if it's just that waiting for so long kind of took its toll on me. But I'm still believing and I'm still not giving up. Ever.

~

[Zophar]

Niki,
I'm not saying you should give up on your relationship, but have you thought about getting a job?  It would make it easier for your kids and you not to have to wait on him to answer you back about everything they and you need, and it would give you something to think about outside of you house. Your kids are old enough to be home alone some. You might also think about trying to take some classes at a junior college as a way to get your mind off of things.

[awilkes05]

Then Saturday I sort of crashed out of the blue. I don't know if it's because doubt crept in or if it's just that waiting for so long kind of took its toll on me. But I'm still believing and I'm still not giving up. Ever.

Maybe it was all 3 or a combination of them. Whatever the reason, you're still strong and a "fighter" b/c you didn't let a moment of weakness destroy you. And, to me, being strong isn't based on if you have moments of weaknesses or not. It's based on how you handle those weak moments and if you stay down or not.

I do understand what you mean about being tired of being strong. It makes total sense to me so don't feel like you're not making sense or that it's "just you." (just in case you ever feel that way  )

[Niki]

Zophar,
I did look for a job (retail, part time; all I'm qualified for; a dual-income calculator showed that we would be in the hole financially if I were to get a job outside the home) and prayed that if it was God's will that He would let me get hired. No one hired me. I asked God about it and He told me to stay home and trust Him to provide. Shortly after that, I began seeing Titus 2:3-5 seemingly everywhere I looked. (God has a way of getting our attention.) I finally read it and read various Bible translations of it. I believe God wants me to be a "keeper at home", aka a housewife.

I don't think I've ever mentioned it here because I don't want people telling me "That's not what that means" or arguing with me or giving me a hard time about it.

One of the things God seems to always have to remind me of is that He will supply all my need according to His riches in glory. And that if I seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, everything I need will be added unto me.

As for college, that takes money, which I don't have, and my husband isn't going to give it to me. Besides, there aren't any classes I'm interested in taking. I do have an interest in photography and thought about taking a class (online if possible), but I need a decent camera (I'd like a professional one), which is very expensive, and money for the class.

I've thought about what I could do from home, but most work at home jobs are scams and I really don't know what I could do from home.

I'm trusting God to provide, as He promised in His Word. And I think that another reason God wants me to stay home is so that I will trust Him more and rely on Him, rather than a paycheck. If I were working somewhere, making good money (and paying for childcare, lunch, gas, etc.), I wouldn't "have" to go to God with my needs so much. I wouldn't "have" to rely on Him as much or call on Him as much or trust Him as much. God is teaching me trust. I've gotten better at trusting Him, but sometimes worry will creep in when a new, pressing need arises and I'll hear those words from God again, "I will supply all your need according to My riches in glroy". And when I hear that, I know that I'm not trusting God. Because that's what worry is - lack of trust in God.

You may wonder about my statement that I need to rely on God rather than a paycheck. I'm not suggesting that people should quit their jobs and wait for God to bring them everything they need. The Bible says that any man who doesn't provide for those of his own home is worse than an infidel (unbeliever). That tells me that it is my husband's responsibility to provide for me and our kids. And as long as I'm doing what God has told me to do, I know that He will provide for me.

My husband gave me the money to get our kids the clothes and school supplies they need, which is his responsibility. And I get some money each week ($175) for groceries and gas. I try to keep the grocery list as short as possible and then use the remaining money (usually around $40-50) to get things for my kids. I can't get them everything they need each week (I certainly couldn't get them both new school wardrobes, plus supplies, on that little bit of money), but I can get a couple things. So we're not doing without really. It's just really tight and I'd really love for it not to be that way anymore. Things weren't as tight when my husband was home and in his right mind. But I'm believing that God is going to bring my husband home soon and make things right.


awilkes,
Thank you.

If you've shared your real name here before, I apologize for not remembering it.

~

[Zophar]

If that isn't the way you want to go, then please consider volunteering some place.  It would cost you nothing and much of it could be done while the kids are at school or even with the kids as a family.  It would give you something else to think about and allow you to be a blessing to a group that really needs it.