When your heart and brain disagree (or agree)

[SippinTea]

You know, I've been reading the book Love and Respect, and it has totally changed my perspective on relationships, and completely rocked my WORLD (yes, I've had a lot of that going on lately)!!  I have realized that male bashing is probably one of the most wicked things that the devil ever invented to harm men and marriages.  When a man is disrespected, he becomes unloving, and when a woman feels unloved, she becomes disrespectful, and the cycle continues forever until someone realizes that they have to start behaving.

[Sis]

You know, I've been reading the book Love and Respect, and it has totally changed my perspective on relationships, and completely rocked my WORLD (yes, I've had a lot of that going on lately)!!  I have realized that male bashing is probably one of the most wicked things that the devil ever invented to harm men and marriages.  When a man is disrespected, he becomes unloving, and when a woman feels unloved, she becomes disrespectful, and the cycle continues forever until someone realizes that they have to start behaving.

Which is exactly why I hate put women down "jokes". I don't like the put down men jokes, either. But I will joke about professions on occasion. But I've been bashed in here for saying that before, so that's all I'm going to say about it.

[Assuredbyfaith]

People get divorced for two main reasons.

1) they weren't listening to God in the first place and they jumped into something they weren't ready for.

But:

2) even those marriages can be saved if they'd pray together to try to save it. They're into the flesh. Or at least one of them is, the other MAY be trying to save things but if they BOTH don't work TOGETHER, it won't happen.  Really immature people don't want to work things out, they want what they want and now. Instant gratification!

I try not to judge people who are having marriage troubles... of course, a lot of it's because I have no experience being married, muchless married with trouble!!  I know that all relationships take work, and  I think that there are far too many people who don't want to put the effort into it, so they take the lazy way out; divorce!   I'm not talking about people who are fighting abuse in their marriage!  There are some roads that we can't understand until we walk them, and I pray to God that I'm never at the turn off for such a road!!!  Of Course,  I try to leave things in God's hands and I don't think that he will lead me down that road!!  

Basically we are living in a "me" world, not a "you", or "us"!!!  

[Assuredbyfaith]

  When a man is disrespected, he becomes unloving, and when a woman feels unloved, she becomes disrespectful, and the cycle continues forever until someone realizes that they have to start behaving.

I've never thought of it that way, but I can totally see where that does happen!!

[Jallen]

When a man is disrespected, he becomes unloving, and when a woman feels unloved, she becomes disrespectful

Yep, you've nailed it. I'll admit I withdraw further and further from a woman (doesn't have to be a love interest either) who consistently disrespects me.

[Assuredbyfaith]

I think its a  matter of God's timing is all.

Nai

If God is responsible, why is the divorce rate in the church the same as in the world; about 50% give or take?

The thing with God's timing is that you have to wait on it, you have to allow him to direct you!!!  God can time things just perfect, but it's us humans that stray and then things really fall out!!   The question is "Can all those church divorces say that they honestly, unselfishly sought God in the situations that led up to the divorce?", "Can all those church divorces say that they did everything that they could?", " Was God 's direction sought after, and was he allowed to lead?"

God's time, God's will....but will you let it happen?

[RainbowJingles]

The book is totally all about that, Becca.

AND it details how the Bible commands the husband to love the wife.  The word used there means unconditional love.
In the same passage, it tells the wives to respect the husbands.  It seems safe to assume that the respect commanded is unconditional.

The bottom line is that men don't really *NEED* love like they do air.  I'm sure they would miss love if they didn't feel it, BUT if you take away the respect from a relationship, the man is going to feel like he can't breathe.  As much as a woman needs to feel loved, the man needs to feel respected.  I never realized how totally disrespectful some of my seemingly LOVING actions can be perceived by a man until I read that book.  Talk about enlightening!!

Jallen: the book is really incredible with the concepts that it just totally NAILS in a lot of areas.  And what you described about pulling away is apparently true of many men.  When they feel disrespected, they withdraw.  But when the man withdraws, the woman feels unloved and disconnected.  Women confront in order to try to connect.  Men feel that confrontation is a display of disrespect.  And the cycle continues ad nauseum until the more mature individual decides to STOP reacting and begin loving or respecting, whichever their spouse is crying out for.

[Assuredbyfaith]

Who is it by, and where can I get it?

[Jallen]

It seems safe to assume that the respect commanded is unconditional.

I'm not sure that respect can be unconditional; respect is conditional by it's very nature....wait, I looked up respect in the dictionary and figured it out.... it's not unconditional respect for the man himself (that's impossible if he's a sleeze-bag), it's unconditional respect for the role he fills - the role of Husband.

[RainbowJingles]

It's by Emerson Eggerichs.  You can get it at Barnes and Noble or Christian bookstores.

Jallen: Read the book.  It really does make sense if the man himself is a "good-willed man."  It's just a REALLY good eye-opening read for a single person.

[SippinTea]

Who is it by, and where can I get it?

Love and Respect is by Eggerichs... and I HIGHLY recommend it. I think it's the #1 book on marriage I've read. (And yes, I've read dozens.)

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Love-and-Respect/Emerson-Eggerichs/e/9781591451877/?itm=2




Ha! You beat me, Elona.

[Jallen]

Sorry ladies, I suffer from TMS - Typical Male Syndrome... I don't look at the instruction manual till all other attempts have failed. 

[SippinTea]

Sorry ladies, I suffer from TMS - Typical Male Syndrome... I don't look at the instruction manual till all other attempts have failed. 

Does that include a failed marriage?

Somehow I don't think you want that.

[Sis]

Amazon has it used for $10.66

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Emerson+Eggerichs&x=14&y=20

[Jallen]

I don't believe in the doctrine of 'divorce & remarry'. I believe once you're married, it's till death do you part no matter what County Judge What's-his-face says. A "failed" marriage in my opinion would be one where the two could no longer live in the same house; separation. I can't imagine myself letting a marriage get that out of control. Not bragging, not criticizing... I just don't think it could happen to me... unless she or I backslid. And who knows what a backslider is capable of 

[Sis]

I don't believe there IS a "doctrine" of divorce and remarriage. Doctrine is a teaching, and I doubt that many pastors teach that it's ok. But it does happen.

Face it. Today men have much more to fight than in any other time. Sex is everywhere. Women throw themselves at men and they don't care if they're married or not. Men DO interact with the worldly women most of the day and they have to fight sexual urges.

This is getting so close to the end times. Even the very elect are fallilng to sexual sins. A man needs more than ever a reason to come home to a loving, respectful wife. 

A lot of marriages are broken because of sexual sins. And that's one reason the Bible gives as a reason to divorce. I know many men have repented and women have forgiven them, but in many, many cases it's too hard to go on after knowing the betrayal.

AND there's always the situation where the man leaves his wife for another woman. She may not have anything to say about the divorce. Or the woman who leaves her family.

There are just too many twists and turns in some relationships. There is no simple answer for why marriages break up including Christians. I've seen really steady Christians break up over sexual sins. I can't sit in judgement over why these things happen. It's just important to me that it doesn't happen in MY marriage.

[Jallen]

Sis, I could turn this thread into a Bible study to prove my point, but that wouldn't be fair to everyone else... but let me say this... if your congregation's leaders allow members to divorce and remarry then it is a "doctrine" of your church. I know pastors who have married the same person to different people three and four times. The State of Texas gives them that right, but I don't believe the apostle's doctrines do. It has nothing to do with judging the individuals, quite the opposite... it's an acknowlegement that we can't determine who is truly at fault because we don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

[Sis]

I could give a Bible study on it. What I'm saying, is today, more than any other time there are more temptations out there and too many are giving in to them. And we all have sinned and come up short, so I can't judge others. Only my own walk.

Let's end this now and get back on track.

[Jallen]

Agreed.... which way is the track?? 

[Sis]

Read a quote today online from a single gal who is 36 yrs old (not a Christian). She said:

"There are different parts of us that will desire different men; some we desire with our hearts, some with our minds, some with our bodies. A great deal of the time, however, at least one of those other parts of us is saying "No way. Not going to happen."

I know what she means. There are times when I can have a great discussion with a guy, and yet realize he's an insensitive brute. There are times I think a guy is sweet and kind, and yet he's completely unattractive. There are times when I'll admit a guy is good looking, but he doesn't seem to have a brain inside his head.

And that's not even approaching the faith issues and belief systems.

I guess it's when all of those things come together that you realize there is one incredibly special man in front of you.

Just thinking out loud... or something.

[SippinTea]

Think: Tsalagi

[Sis]

I just brought back the first post to get us back on track.

And although I do think about him once in a while, it's not nearly as much as you do!   It's mostly when I see his drawing on the wall.

[Assuredbyfaith]

Read a quote today online from a single gal who is 36 yrs old (not a Christian). She said:

"There are different parts of us that will desire different men; some we desire with our hearts, some with our minds, some with our bodies. A great deal of the time, however, at least one of those other parts of us is saying "No way. Not going to happen."

I know what she means. There are times when I can have a great discussion with a guy, and yet realize he's an insensitive brute. There are times I think a guy is sweet and kind, and yet he's completely unattractive. There are times when I'll admit a guy is good looking, but he doesn't seem to have a brain inside his head.

And that's not even approaching the faith issues and belief systems.

I guess it's when all of those things come together that you realize there is one incredibly special man in front of you.

Just thinking out loud... or something.

This is so funny that we are discussing this, a very good friend and I were talking at work about how important looks are!!  She is not in church, so there are a lot of things that we see differently; especially  since she doesn't understand why I believe in modest attire, among other things!!   What started this conversation was the fact that everyone (four at the moment, young and old) at my work are putting themselves in debt to get boob jobs!!  The lastest girl is younger than me, and she seems to think that it is going to solve all the problems in her life!!  When really it's not going to solve anything, but will more than likely cost her more money in undergarments....lol  She is going as big as she can go!   I'm just mind boggled at what people think will solve all their life's problems?   Any way back to the original thought...lol  I made the comment that looks aren't as important as the world wants you to think!  My friend laughed and said so your telling me that if there were two guys, both the same body build, both drop-dead gorgeous, ( both have sacks over their heads) both are as sweet as can be; and when you take the sacks off one of them is really cute, and one of them is really ugly with no teeth....... you would pick the ugly one?   I was like,  "Wait a minute, does it have to be no teeth"!??? ......LOL   She just started laughing because she knows that hygiene is very important to me....lol  I was like, "Ok, ok so looks are somewhat important...lol"   I honestly have always prayed; that it didn't matter what the man God has for me looks like, as long as, God has made him attractive to me!!!


There are goodlooking men that I have been attracted to in the past; but they turned out to be really egotistical  jerks; so that they just weren't goodlooking to me in the end!!    Looks with nothing to back it up are dead!!!!  Attitude is important!!!  Hardworking is important!  Honest is important!  Hygiene is important.....LOL   Oh, and yes some brains would be nice!!!!

[Sis]

One question:  If they both had sacks on their heads, how would you know if they were drop-dead gorgeous?

[RainbowJingles]

Looks with nothing to back it up are dead!!!!

Thus we have I Becca 1:1

lol

...and though they have all good looks and all great hygiene, but have not love for you, they are NOTHING.
...and though he give you flowers and stuffed monkeys and cards galore... if he has no brains, it just ain't gonna work!