this friend I have feelings for..does he like me more than a friend?

[junkie0]

hi everyone! I hope y'all are doing great?! I'm a newbie.. I ran across this site, & I found it to be very helpful! Ok I'll get to the story:

I'm 26 & there is a guy a few years younger than I am, I've been friends with him for a few years..  I have come to really like him..  We hang out as friends, we go to movies, eat out, typical things.. but sometimes couple kinds of things.  Sometimes, we flirt with each other, and lately he has become a little bit more physical where as he never used to (as in touches on the small of my back while walking, putting his arm around my shoulder for a few secs, touching my knee quickly, or my arm..)  I'm a shy girl so it's hard to do anything physical back! haha

Thing is, he tends to have a lot of girls who are interested in him & he lets me know! I find this so irritating..sometimes I think he does this to get me more interested.. I think he sometimes plays hard to get because he thinks it helps him gets girls.. example, we're friends so hes told me stuff like the fact that he ignores girls texts 4 a few hours then texts them - because he thinks it'll make the girl want him more..  He's also gotten a bit more deeper with me and says, hes been hurt in the past, & hes told me that there was a girl he started to really like in the past, but he stopped contacting her because he didn't want to lose her as a friend..

A few months ago, I had a feeling that things were about to progress with us by his actions ..he even seemed to quit with the games.. he didn't like anyone or didn't mention any girls liking him then..(he went away to a Asia tour 4 a couple weeks 4 school, but after that he returned but didn't contact till way later after a few months) Then out of the blue, he contacts me asking how I am.. & makes excuses about being busy etc.. and now we are back to hanging out again.  Was or is he scared??  He sees me as a good friend but I want more I don't now if he has feelings 4 me..I'd appreciate some advice..Love, Maria.. God Bless ya'll please help me..I don't know what to do! thanks in advance! Bye

[junkie0]

someone help me.. no one gave me advice yet.. I'd appreciate some opinions.. either way have a nice day/night

[Kloey]

Pray about it and go in big...talk to the boy.

[Newsman]

Maria,

   Just reading this.

   I'm one of the world's wost bachelors (maybe I should just end the sentence there,) for losing phone numbers and not calling in a timely and consistent manner.

   However, if I stay interested in someone, I work to overcome that, and stay in better contact with a woman that I am interested in.

   Perhaps I'm more private than the guy you are interested in, but that "I've been huirt before," isn't a card I'd play early in a potential relationship. It sounds like a sympathy-getter and flaky behaviour justifier (is that a word?), and he is the one not being communicative, not you. He is the one sending mixed signals, not you, from the account you presented.

   I have found it helps to have a friend in the church that you can ask how a potential situation looks to them. It's easy to be blinded by your interest in someone, to the point you don't see warning signs that others may readily catch. Even as a very olde bachelor (I'm 46 and have never been married,) I have a female friend or two in the local church I can ask what they think of a woman I'm interested in.

    Also, ages play a factor. You say you are a few years older than him. If it's case of, say you being in your mid-20's and he in his younger 20's that may be a problem unless he has grown beyond the typical urges to hang around and play games with his friends a lot. If you are both older, that tends to lessen.

   My thoughts. YMMV.


John 

[Scott]

Some times all you can do is wait for him to make the move - you may not realize it, but you are a female and that will intimidate guys.  Most guys will not admit it, but they are often scared of girls, they like, they want, but they fear.

Of course these days with the fancy coffee shops you can always give the guy a gentle nudge by suggesting that you are going to be hanging out at such and such place.

[Geri]

OK, so I am in no way an expert on relationships, so take this with a grain of salt....

You talk about him playing games with other girls, and that makes me wonder why you would want to be involved with him. If he does it with other girls, he would do it to you too. I've been in your same situation, and completely thought that things were moving past the friendship point, and kept expecting him to say something, or ask me on a date, or something like that. Thing was, he kept talking about other girls, and I finally had to admit that I was "one of the guys" in his eyes, and we were much closer, but not in that way. In order to not lose him as a friend, I even swallowed my feelings/pride and helped him plan the perfect date for one of our friends that asked him to prom.

Sometimes you just have to take a step back and assess the situation. Sometimes it's worth the risk to the friendship to come right out and ask, and if it's not, then it's better to either just be his friend, or move on. What I have learned for myself is that if it's not work risking the friendship over, then you can live without being romantically involved with that person. That's up to you to decide. But once you decide, act on the decision. Either ask him how he feels about you, or decide to just be a friend.

[junkie0]

hi all! how are you all? I am very appreciative of the comments you guys left me.. many times, when my friends need advice I'm there to help.. but it seems like when I am in need of some advice they get bored right away.. Iono it just seems that way.. which is why I came to this site.

yes, it is a confusing situation, and you're right often times, you have to step out of the situation to see what the heck is going on..  he brought up the "being scared of ruining friendship " with that girl I mentioned a very long time ago, when we were just talking as friends.. its been years since.. but I still remember that.. Anyway, I guess I have to think about what I should do still..because I'd like to stay friends with him.. but I have to weigh the pros and cons of when it comes to risking the friendship to let him know how I feel.. and its only lately I started realizing that I was starting to like him A LOT more than a friend.. especially when we started touching one another in the ever so slightest ways.. but I have a lot of patience 4 a person.. and part of me wouldnt mind waiting TO see where the relationship goes (since I can occupy myself with other things anways).. BUT ANOTHER part of me, says.. that the longer I string this out & keep thigns to myself, maybe my feelings will get even deeper.. and if he doesnt end up liking me later.. then it'd have all been a WASTE..  Again thanks for listening! Bye 

[Geri]

So here is just a simple observation. If you feel like continuing to be his friend would be a waste if he ends up not sharing your feelings.....then there is your answer! If the end scenario that makes staying friends with him worthwhile, is based on him returning your feelings, then it would seem that your feelings for him are more important that the friendship. I'm not saying this is a negative thing, it's just something to think about, and if this truly is the case, then definitely don't drag it out, let him know how you feel.

[RainbowJingles]

Next time he touches you in any way that makes you feel like his girlfriend, slap him.

If he asks what that was all about, tell him that those are things that your boyfriend will do for you, and you are reserving those things for that special guy in your life, and he hasn't made any move to make you his girlfriend, so it's not his place to do that stuff.

Okay...  maybe that's a bit drastic, BUT if you keep allowing him to treat you like his girlfriend without pushing him just a little bit to speak up about how he feels, he may very well take you for granted forever...  or at least until he finds the girl of his dreams and asks you to be a groomswoman.  THEN you will WISH you had slapped him in the face.

Let me clarify.  "Pushing him just a little bit to speak up about how he feels" does NOT entail the "we need to talk about our relationship" speech.  Neither does it entail the "it's her or me" speech.  It is simply a state of mind.  Until he makes it painfully (and verbally) obvious that he is interested, don't pretend (or allow him to pretend) any differently, even in your mind.  If you allow yourself to be caught up in what you WISH/hope/dream is true, you may end up building a fantasy castle in the clouds, complete with princess and prince, only to find out that the cloud springs a leak.

If you love the guy, don't let him step on you.
If he respects you, he won't assume that you're always available.
If you respect yourself, you won't BE available all the time when he wants to do something together.

Women who aren't always available are often the most desirable.  I'm not suggesting game-playing tactics.  I'm just suggeting that you find out more about yourself before you allow yourself to think that this guy is your last hope.  When a girl thinks that a guy is her last hope, she clings to what she idealizes about the relationship, kicking sanity to the curb and making herself desperate.  Guys smell desperation and are much more likely to treat a desperate woman with less respect.

This is coming from the girl who was in several one-sided "desperation" relationships before she realized that her self-esteem was more important than pining over a guy who was emotionally unavailable or thought she would always and forever be there as his Plan B.

If he can't make you feel truly treasured, find someone who can.

[junkie0]

hi how is everyone doing?!  wow, thanks 4 all the replies. I appreciate listening to all your advice.  Rainbow jingles, hehe don't worry, he hasnt touched me in any way inappropriately.. just in friendly sometimes flirty ways, that I don't find aggresive.  That said, your right.. if he ever touched me in anyway only reserved 4 couples- I'd speak up right away (or slap him)!.. I don't want to do anything intimate whether it be hold hands..etc.. unless a guy wants to actually be my boyfriend.  It's sad to see when  girls sometimes allow kissing or MORE (friends w/ benefits sort of thing) with guys they like.. thinking that perhaps that'd somehow become more.  I think I respect myself enough to not allow us to become friends with benefits, because personally I'd probably be setting myself up for failure..   I'd most likely develop deeper feelings & the friendship would become a very yucky messy situation all together as a result.  I've learned in the past that I get too attached.. because when I was "seeing" someone who I didn't want a relationship with myself (selfishly)..I ended up gaining deeper feelings.. Fortunately, we became a couple 4 a couple years after that.  All in all, 2 do ANYTHING intimate with anyone who is ONLY a FRIEND, is a road I don't want to find myself going toward.  I think he respects me as a friend..because were pretty good friends.. I influence him onto the right track so I know he appreciates that.  I'm not really desperate 2 be with him, because I do have things in my life I still need to accomplish.  I'm afraid that if I keep being only his friend I'll start liking him more.. which is why I think I want to tell him.. but if I reveal my feelings, & he doesnt like me back, I'd risk losing him as a friend.. so i'm still unsure what course of action to take! I guess everyone at some point is scared of rejection.. which is why i'm trying to get some opinions on how you think he feels about me.           
Thanks all for caring & taking time to reply to me! Bye

[RainbowJingles]

I didn't mean "intimate" in any sense of the word.  I was referring to those flirty touches that "don't really mean anything."

I know of one guy who was friends with a girl and didn't think twice about putting his arm around her once in awhile just because it "felt right".  When she approached him about her deepening feelings, he seemed shocked, wondering if he had misled her somehow.  Frankly, he had.  Those casual, "flirty" touches can mean a LOT more to a girl than a guy.  To a guy, it may seem totally and completely casual and friendly.  To the girl, it may seem like he's really into her.  Her feelings deepen.  His don't.

*shrug*  Just my

[Geri]

I didn't mean "intimate" in any sense of the word.  I was referring to those flirty touches that "don't really mean anything."

I know of one guy who was friends with a girl and didn't think twice about putting his arm around her once in awhile just because it "felt right".  When she approached him about her deepening feelings, he seemed shocked, wondering if he had misled her somehow.  Frankly, he had.  Those casual, "flirty" touches can mean a LOT more to a girl than a guy.  To a guy, it may seem totally and completely casual and friendly.  To the girl, it may seem like he's really into her.  Her feelings deepen.  His don't.

*shrug*  Just my

I COMPLETELY agree with you RJ! You spoke exactly what was on my mind!

[RainbowJingles]

Thanks, Geri.
Looking back on the post, though, the word "intimate" can have a vast array of connotations.  To say that I didn't meant "intimate" in ANY sense of the word is likely not the best way to say what I meant.

You can have an "intimate" conversation with someone.  You can have an intimate exchange with someone.

Dictionary Definition of INTIMATE:
1a : intrinsic, essential b : belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature
2: marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity <intimate knowledge of the law>
3a : marked by a warm friendship developing through long association <intimate friends> b : suggesting informal warmth or privacy <intimate clubs>
4: of a very personal or private nature <intimate secrets>
— in·ti·mate·ly adverb
— in·ti·mate·ness noun
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/intimate?show=1&t=1302208619

Intimacy is what women crave in any relationship.  By forming an "amazing friendship" with a guy where he feels comfortable touching you without thinking anything about it, you can easily become "one of the guys" to him until you give him the figurative (or literal) slap in the face (or he gives it to you by asking you to pick out a gift for a girl he likes).

Again, just my

[junkie0]

hi RJ and Kloey! Hope y'all doing fine?! aw.. opps, I guess i kind of misunderstood..  I understand now.. Hm i never really thought about that because I kind of just felt those touches were more friendlier.. but sometimes, I get how confusing it can be especially since I have feelings.  I'll try to slap him next time hehe.. maybe not slap.. but let him know.. so what are your 2 cents on crossing the line..like which kinds of touches should only be reserved 4 a boyfriend only! Bye

[RainbowJingles]

Don't get me started, Junkie.  I could really really go off on that one.  Between my personal experiences and hearing story after story after story after story after...  well, you get the point (I supervised a college dormitory)...  ANYway, it seems to be more clear to me now than ever before that the least amount of touch you can have with a guy, the better.  Seriously.  If he's "just a friend" and you're comfortable holding hands or touching often, or [fill in the blank with whatever else you're comfortable with any random guy friend doing]...  then what's left for your boyfriend?  The lines for real boyfriend/girlfriend relationships will become even MORE blurry.

I don't think I need to answer the question much more in depth.  It's a very personal decision, and often the answer is totally between you and God, but you will probably find that your confusion in relationships will deepen once you have allowed guys to confuse you with touches that "don't mean anything." (YEAH RIGHT!)

[YooperYankDude]

Don't get me started, Junkie.  I could really really go off on that one.  Between my personal experiences and hearing story after story after story after story after...  well, you get the point (I supervised a college dormitory)...  ANYway, it seems to be more clear to me now than ever before that the least amount of touch you can have with a guy, the better.  Seriously.  If he's "just a friend" and you're comfortable holding hands or touching often, or [fill in the blank with whatever else you're comfortable with any random guy friend doing]...  then what's left for your boyfriend?  The lines for real boyfriend/girlfriend relationships will become even MORE blurry.

I don't think I need to answer the question much more in depth.  It's a very personal decision, and often the answer is totally between you and God, but you will probably find that your confusion in relationships will deepen once you have allowed guys to confuse you with touches that "don't mean anything." (YEAH RIGHT!)

Hmmm... I agree.

I am old fashioned, and may very well be a stick in the mud dinosaur... lol, but this (not so)"old dog" has learned a few tricks... on how not to get too hurt if things do not work out with this guy...

First of all... you aren't dating him... so he should respect you enough to leave the physical contact at a handshake (or a friend hug... if you're like Chel... LOL!)... and even when / if I am dating someone... I don't take it further than that. 

Why?

Cause I have no guarantee that I am not hugging, holding hands, or kissing someone else's future spouse. Like I said, I am old fashioned.

Does it stink at times... yup... but that means if /when I marry someone... I know that our first kiss at the alter really is our first kiss... and if I don't get all physical and things don't work out... than I can still at least be friends (depending on how the relationship ended...) and not feel that constant weirdness (although, I am the weird bear...) when I see them with someone else (trust me... I have seen that a few times... more than I care to count... lol). You can avoid unnecessary jealously and anger as well... especially if the the other person goes to your church, and you have to watch them kiss their new wife... LOL.

Have I always accomplished this... nope. Have I had a few 10 second handshakes with my gf? I'm not telling! 0:-)   Does it irritate her that one of her friends who is kinda in church and kinda out, will walk up and give me a hug in front of her?? LOL... absolutely... but I am not romatically involved with that other person... and we call them "freebies" up here... cause Guys and Gals dont hug up in the Northland... haha.

I always figured, and found out from personal experience... that holding hands leads to hugs... hugs lead to longer hugs... longer hugs lead to cuddling... cuddling leads to a kiss on the cheek... a kiss on the cheek is as far as I have gone... LOL... but it could of led further, thankfully a bratty little brother walked into the room!

Like I said... I am old fashioned... but I want to leave as much of me for my wife... whoever she is... cause I have faith one day I will get kiss her, and it'll be AWESOME!! It wont be boring or mundane, or just another kiss... it'll have the spark and magic that a first kiss has!

I know you didn't ask for it... but that is my

[junkie0]

lolol! thanks Yooper Yank Dude & RJ! Yooper Yank Dude I like the costume! I think that its a very admirable trait you have patience.  It's so sweet.  I do appreciate both you guys' 2 Cents.. well I guess it'd be 4cents now haha.  The total of this post would prob be like 24C ??byor 44C haha j/j. Don't ask me to do the math.

Thinking about it personally, I'm comfortable with giving all my friends hugs, so I'll stop at that.  When I'm with him I try to keep my personal space free so we rarely touch haha.  I can't even put my head on his shoulder during a movie or anything because of pure fear.. so on my end.. there wont be any touching.  BUT IF ..

anything else I notice that is more than a goodbye hug..happens with him, I'll tell him straight that this gesture is only reserved 4 my future boyfriend or husband!!  Can you imagine, if I lived in Europe where they practice "la Bise" kissing cheek to cheek.. how fast things could progress!?

You guys are very helpful, and are like my brain right now!! maria

[Roscoe]

You guys are very helpful, and are like my brain right now!! maria

It's official. If Yoop is like your brain now, you're brain dead.

[YooperYankDude]

You guys are very helpful, and are like my brain right now!! maria

It's official. If Yoop is like your brain now, you're brain dead.

Yoop ...
's Bob the Tomato over the open firepit... till he is nice and blackened... adds a bit of salt, Garlic, pepper.... then...
's Bob the Tomato...

Anyone like some Tomato Taco Soup??  It is definitely not bland anymore... and he had no hair... so no hair in the soup!  :-P

Good news is... With "Yoop as her brain"... lol... Hold on... let me think of something good about this whole scenario.... ohh wait... I get free insight into how girls really think...!  Hmmm... Scary Prospect....   

[RainbowJingles]

You guys are very helpful, and are like my brain right now!! maria

Now THAT is scary!  lol
Trust me.  You will probably want to get your OWN brain, girl!!

[RainbowJingles]

Anyone like some Tomato Taco Soup??  It is definitely not bland anymore... and he had no hair... so no hair in the soup!  :-P

Yoop???

[Newsman]

Hmm..a bit more from me.

"Silence is consent' is a phrase I often use jokingly, but it has its' applications in the real world. I think you bare already sensible about it, but he may construe silence as you being fine with it.

That said, I'm not in the 'Don't look at them twice before you get married," camp, either.


John