Define Flirting

[RainbowJingles]

I was trying to phrase a simple question in the "Ask a Grump" thread and got to thinking that it might be better suited for a thread of its own.
(I'd still like to see the answer that may appear in Sir John's thread, though.)

So here is the question:

What exactly is considered "flirting"?
Through the years, my outgoing personality has gotten me into trouble, and people have thought that I was flirting when, in fact, I was simply being myself and being nice.  Oftentimes it has completely caught me off guard when I realized that certain guys thought I was flirting with them.  I thought I was just being a good friend!

When I *know* I'm flirting with a guy, I'm sure there's no question in his mind that I'm flirting.  Those times usually backfire a hundred fold, though, so it's a pretty rare thing for me to flirt (at least as I see myself flirting).  lol

On the flipside, once I figured out what I thought would get me labeled as a flirt, I tried to NOT exhbit those traits/behaviours when I was around particularly intriguing or interesting gentemen.  Unfortunately, those awesome guys that I was incredibly attracted to never got to see who I really was for fear that I would be labeled as "a flirt" and therefore unacceptable to these guys.


Is there a "good" type of flirting and a "bad" type of flirting?

I'm sure the discussion will float toward defining "a flirt" but I'd prefer not to go that road, as that topic is a bit separate.

The question is a serious one for me, and I'd love to have real answers from you all.

Elona  :-)

[SippinTea]

 

[Sis]

I had a guy once tell me he thought I was flirting because I was smiling while talking to him. Sad, huh?  I smile when I talk to my dad, too, (Or did anyway) I was talking about Stevebert. That makes me smile. DUHHHHH!

[upcchris]

OMW I think I know what you mean...here's a question; do guys think you're flirting with them when you're just being nice? If that's the case then I know a few who thought I was flirting with them when I was just talking to them.

[apsurf]

Actually, the answer to the last question posed by upcchris.....most guys would assume that there is a strong possiblity.   Especially if they already like you.   

[upcchris]

...oh dear...

[apsurf]

but usually the overt signs, guys just don't clue in 90% of the time! LOL! I usually get it wrong every time....I think they are flirting when they aren't, and I miss it when they are.....

[Sis]

...oh dear...

Looks like pink wink went into shock! 

[upcchris]

...oh dear...

Looks like pink wink went into shock! 

lol, it does too...aww poor pinkwink

[Nerd]

flirt - a: to behave amorously without serious intent b: to show superficial or casual interest or liking

This may or may not be of help. Here are some indicators to a guy that you are flirting with him, or are interested in him...

You stand close when you talk to him
You touch his arm or slap his arm if he makes a funny...
You laugh a lot at his funnies that aren't really that funny
you play with your hair
You hold near-constant eye contact and wiggle your eyebrows
You say, "Hey, I really like you" 

Any three of these used together is a sure thing...

[RainbowJingles]

Good points, coolguy. Thanks for your input.

Hmmm...  I'm an eye contact kind of girl, myself.  Funny thing is, when I really like a guy, I find it harder to maintain eye contact because I'm afraid that he'll see in my eyes that I really like him.

As to standing close, I'm usually pretty aware of personal space, and I think I let the guy determine his comfort zone and try to stay within that.

I'm not a slapper.  It's exceedingly rare that I will even touch someone who isn't a great friend in the first place.  I HAVE noticed, however, that I can sometimes take a dim view of consistent slappers, as I was brought up not to hurt anyone, even if you think it's a "light slap."  My parents were both adamant about that.

My sense of humor is weird.  To some, a guy may seem "not that funny" when to me he's hysterically funny.  The converse is also true at times.  I'm not into shallow guys.  I enjoy word games and occasional verbal sparring.

My hair is up most of the time.  I very rarely catch myself playing with it.  When I do, I think, "do I like this guy?!"  lol  If I *do* like him, I stop playing with my hair.  If I don't, I toss it over my shoulder and think, "I'm not flirting; I'm just playing with my hair."

The "I like you"/"you're cool" type of statements just kind of come out when I really think that.  Doesn't mean I'm interested in a relationship with him...  *sigh*

Funny thing is that I don't keep ahold of this awareness of "flirting" when I'm with guys I'm not interested in.
THEN when I find someone I'm interested in, I check myself and think, "am I flirting??  Can't do THAT!  He might think I'm interested."

I'm weird.  *sigh*
No WONDER I'm confused about flirting.  lol

Note to self: Figure out if it's okay to show signs of flirting if you DO like someone.

Question for others: Are these signs turn-offs for guys?  Are they seen as "unladylike"?

[Tsalagi]

Question for others: Are these signs turn-offs for guys?  Are they seen as "unladylike"?

Nope. 

Coolguy, you forget The Small Smile. 

[Chseeads]

Question for others: Are these signs turn-offs for guys?  Are they seen as "unladylike"?

Nope. 

I second Tsoggi.

[Nerd]

The nope passes unanimously.

[Sister_Mom]

Actually, the answer to the last question posed by upcchris.....most guys would assume that there is a strong possiblity.   Especially if they already like you.   

I think you may have hit on something here. I wonder if the way a person feels has anything to do with whether someone is flirting or not. I believe a lot of it is perception. I know of a man that often thinks that when he meets women it doesn't take much for him to think the woman is flirting or likes him, on the other hand I know a man that doesn't have a clue when women are flirting with him. I think that if a man wants a woman to be flirting with him, then he may read into things that aren't there and may label that woman as a flirt and then you have the jealous people who may accuse you of flirting because they like a person and are watching for flirts around that person to see if anyone else has the same interest.

RJ, you will never be able to know whether you are being flirtatious according to someone else's opinion because everyone has different ideas on that and everyone has to draw their own line.

I believe good flirting is when your intentions are pure and nobody gets hurt (within reason - not talking about insane jealous, protective types).
However, because good flirting makes a person feel good about theirself, I believe we have to be careful who we flirt with. I think if someone goes flirting with just anyone, you could be setting yourself up for trouble or something that could lead to a person being hurt.

[RainbowJingles]

Question for others: Are these signs turn-offs for guys?  Are they seen as "unladylike"?

Nope. 

I second Tsoggi.

Just for the record so we'll be sure we were all talking about the same thing:
I was referring to coolguy's original list when I asked that question.
Shall we have a re-vote?

[RainbowJingles]

I know of a man that often thinks that when he meets women it doesn't take much for him to think the woman is flirting or likes him, on the other hand I know a man that doesn't have a clue when women are flirting with him.

Type One: ugh.  That type of guy just irritates me when he acts like he's God's gift to women.

Type Two: Unfortunately, that type is often so oblivious that you could smack him on the arm repeatedly and go into hysterics over his jokes while looking him straight in the eye and tickling his nose with your freshly curled locks and he'd leave thinking, "she was a nice person, but I'm not sure she would be interested in someone like ME."

[Envelope]

RJ..........your last post cracked me up!! 

I've met "both" kinds!!  LOL

sharon

[Tsalagi]

No re-vote *grin*

The only thing that makes me gross out about getting flirted with is when some chick I don't even know in the slightest gets overtly sexual.  All I can think is, "I wonder if she has a husband somewhere..." and "Why do some women think they have to throw that around to get noticed?"

Guy secret:  The amount of permanent attraction caused by the female is inversely proportional to the power she gives away. 

Men with no principles or character might sleep with a floozy, but they will never give her what she really wants: a home with a man who loves and respects her.

On the other hand, women who ain't hos get the quality men.  End of story.

[RainbowJingles]

Question for others: Are these signs turn-offs for guys?  Are they seen as "unladylike"?

Nope. 

Coolguy, you forget The Small Smile. 

And what's the small smile?

Is that the one that could say either, "I'm enjoying this conversation" or "I think you're an idiot, but I'm enjoying you thinking that I'm flirting with you and I can't wait to leave"?

[Sister_Mom]

Type One: ugh.  That type of guy just irritates me when he acts like he's God's gift to women.

Type Two: Unfortunately, that type is often so oblivious that you could smack him on the arm repeatedly and go into hysterics over his jokes while looking him straight in the eye and tickling his nose with your freshly curled locks and he'd leave thinking, "she was a nice person, but I'm not sure she would be interested in someone like ME."

I agree wholeheartedly on both counts.  


So you could behave the exact same way around both types and get two different reactions and each would probably label your behavior differently. Right?

[RainbowJingles]

*Sigh*

Yup.  That's why it's so hard to figure out what to do.

I think what I genuinely need is the confidence in myself to just be ME around everyone and not care, even when it might mean that someone will think I'm a flirt. 

The guys who assume everyone is flirting with them will give me the small smug "you like me, don'tcha?" smile (*GAG*) and I can just slap 'em in the arm really hard and make sure that it hurts.  THEN he'll think that I'm REALLY interested, but *I* will know that I was just trying to make him PAY.

Problem is that the guys I might BE interested in might run away and think that I'm interested in the guy I just slapped on the arm.

ARGH!  Where's sis' hair-pulling-out smiley?!

Oh...  and don't get me started on those times that I've just been being myself and the guy out of nowhere brings up his wife in conversation.  I'm like, "did he think I was flirting with him?" 

[Tsalagi]

And what's the small smile?

Youuuuuuuuuu know   Usually comes with a blush

Oh...  and don't get me started on those times that I've just been being myself and the guy out of nowhere brings up his wife in conversation.  I'm like, "did he think I was flirting with him?" 

Nope.  Pre-emptive strike.  Usually b/c there may be physical attraction and he thinks he's doing you both a favor by setting out a boundary.  While I agree with this in principle, many guys are too clumsy to do it right.

[RainbowJingles]

And what's the small smile?

Youuuuuuuuuu know   Usually comes with a blush

Oh!  You mean the one that happens when SHE thinks the guy is flirting with HER!??!
THAT smile could mean she is interested, OR it may mean she's embarrassed by the attention coming from someone she's NOT interested in.

*sigh*  Why do we need thse games??!?!?!

[RainbowJingles]

Oh...  and don't get me started on those times that I've just been being myself and the guy out of nowhere brings up his wife in conversation.  I'm like, "did he think I was flirting with him?" 

Nope.  Pre-emptive strike.  Usually b/c there may be physical attraction and he thinks he's doing you both a favor by setting out a boundary.  While I agree with this in principle, many guys are too clumsy to do it right.

It usually ends up making me feel really weird in the end.  I'm like...  WAS I flirting with a married guy?  What did I *DO* to make him THINK I was?!?!