I'm new on this site, but I was wondering what advice anyone here can give me. My husband isn't in church, as a matter a fact he doesn't even go. Just once in a while. My problem is that he has an addiction to porn.
It really makes me angry and mad and hurt. I can't understand why he needs it. When I see him looking at pictures of naked women and such, I feel that he does not find me disireable at all. I feel degraded and it shakes my trust in him, because to me its the same as cheating.
The bible says that he that looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already in his heart. So really he is cheating in a sense isn't he?
He knows I get mad, and I never mentioned divorce to him over this, but it does make me rethink things through. Wondering why I had to marry somebody with a this kind of problem. I just do not understand why he needs porn. I already have what I need, why doesn't he? Besides that, it's wrong and an abomination in the eyes of God.
But I feel that he is still needing something that I can not give him. It drives a wedge between us, because he makes me put up a wall there that I dint want him touching me. Cause I'm thinking that he is imagining something other than me in his mind.
It hurts. It really really hurts. And it is frustrating. It changes the way I feel about him. It has changed the way I have looked up to him. It has changed the bond between us and also changed my trust, my self esteem, my confidence in myself, and also my confidence in him.
It also starts up and anger problem that I never had before, and I go off to myself wishing I could do something to make him so jealous he can't see straight. (Which is also a sin.) It makes me feel like a scalded dog. What would he do if I was fantasizing over another man when I closed my eyes instead of him. How would he feel??
Porn is an ugly cousin to all these other things what tear marriages apart. He doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. Maybe this marriage isn't that important to him. But it's a really big deal to me. And I dont know if there are any other people on here that are having the same problem.
But I need your prayers, and I need some strength to keep fighting through this. For just once I wish I could be the girl he's fantasizing over instead of something he sees in the magazines. But I will never look like that, and it causes me to have extreme jealousy problems that I otherwise would never have had.
So if he needs all that eye candy, where does that leave me? Just the old nag that washes dirty underwear and fetches dinner???? I really need some input here.
Maybe its just me, but am so sick and tired of being 'cheated on' with porn. It takes a very VERY strong loving woman to put up with this sickness. What have I done to deserve this?
It IS a big deal. But the world is telling him it's ok. So it's a hard thing to fight.
You should try going to a Christian counselor, alone if you have to. They might be able to explain what it really does to the mind.
Men who look at porn begin to believe that all men think the way the men portrayed in the porn does. Then they think that all women want to be that way, too. It twists your thinking.
It's addictive. The men who get hooked on it have a hard time breaking away. There's a spirit attached to these types of sexual things. The harder he may try to get away the worse the spiritual aspect of it becomes and he has a hard time breaking away.
It's too hard to help you with it in here, but again, I would consider a Christian counselor.
Thanks for the advice. Its very hard to find councelors or at least I havent found any councelors with an apostolic prosective on porn. My pastor doesnt like to preach on stuff like that it seems. The last time
I brought a very sensitive matter up to my pastor, I felt that my secret was out in the open before the whole congregation. And that stopped me from taking highly personal matters to anyone close to me.
I know that God knows all about it, but I need some audible help. lol If you know what I mean. I wish I knew where there was a really good cd or dvd I could buy on this subject. I have never heard an apostolic minister go in debth on this subject because of probably the embarrassement or being afraid someone under age might hear it.
But it is a serious widespread epidemic that has stricken alot of relationships, EVEN in the apostolic churches. There are many people in the church with husbands or wives who are addicted to this stuff. Its a touchy subject, but it's one of those things that just goes un-mentioned in my part of the woods.
In a lot of situations, it matters if you have an Apostolic counselor, but in a case like this, it really doesn't. Most of the Christian counselors feel the same way about porn.
Where do you live? Maybe someone knows a Christian counselor in your area.
I live in tween Memphis & Germantown I probably would never get him to go to a councelor about it. I could get counceling, but that would only be helping half the problem. lol
Maybe if I could find some material on dvd or tape that will help him to understand what porn does in a marriage, I would play it.
Well, first, you can't control another person, so don't even try. You'll just frustrate yourself trying. Get your half of the problem helped. You need to know what to do in certain situations, or if any decisions have to be made with a clear head. They can help you understand the reason people get hooked on porn.
You're right, it does make the wife feel like she just can't measure up.
Quote from: joyful 39 on May 28, 2008, 03:00:57 AM
I live near Memphis, Tn. I probably would never get him to go to a councelor about it. I could get counceling, but that would only be helping half the problem. lol
Maybe if I could find some material on dvd or tape that will help him to understand what porn does in a marriage, I would play it.
Have you checked the Focus on the Family website? They used to have a lot of resources.
Here is a link.
http://www.family.org/lifechallenges/LoveSex/
~edited to add link~
Quote from: Sis on May 28, 2008, 03:27:03 AM
Well, first, you can't control another person, so don't even try. You'll just frustrate yourself trying. Get your half of the problem helped. You need to know what to do in certain situations, or if any decisions have to be made with a clear head. They can help you understand the reason people get hooked on porn.
You're right, it does make the wife feel like she just can't measure up.
I definately know the feeling of not be able to measure up. Every chance he gets he is on the computer looking at sites and he also just bought magazines to keep in his car. Even at home, it's cutting into time that we could be having together.
I dont feel wanted or loved anymore and its all because i feel he prefers the women in those videos. Also, this is sorta the BEGINNING of our relationship. I know im not an ugly person,.. but why choose porn when you have a the real thing? I wish I could feel better about myself? Sometime I feel like I want to just leave.
oh and people always say to 'try and spice it up' ..believe me.. it doesnt work. Most things I have read try to excuse the behavior and say that it is normal. It is not normal.
Sometimes I just want to walk up to the devel and snatch my husband back, and punch 'Satan' right in the nose.
I have not check on focus on the family. I will look into that.
Thanks very much for the link, Practical.
Bless your heart. I just want to hug your neck. I can hear the desperation in your words that you are just about to the end of your rope. I know it's hard to get help with that kind of stuff. Those kinds of spirits only come out by fasting.
No one else can really grasp just how much it hurts and how much mental abuse and damage to your self worth porn addiction is. To all you single girls out there that might be reading this, just try the best you can to make sure your potential husband does not have this problem!!
Sometimes I wish I could have the knowledge and the wisdom to be a speaker for other women on this subject. Though I dont have all the answers either, I have been there. My ex was so into that mess that he actually started cheating. And it's so hard to get past that when you re-marry. It stays in the back of your mind. That big what-if, sinking feeling when you see them checking out another woman.
Here is a also another link I found that might be some more reading for you. All we can do here is just pray for you and love you thru this. Unless others have walked in your shoes, they can not really know what it is like.
My Husband was Addicted to Porn
Could our marriage survive his compulsion?
Author Debbie Pierson
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2001/mayjun/11.74.html?start=1
I know this sounded like a husband bashing thread, which it was not meant to be. I really really try to be a good wife. I try hard. I know I may not be the prettiest thing he wants to wake up next to, but I can't even try compete with what triggers his fantasy.
When youre trying to stay in church and not 'look' like those girls, it's really hard being on the OUTSIDE of your husbands heart looking INSIDE. I want to be pleasing to the eye of my husband, but I want to be pleasing in the site of God more. It really is a strong hold that is constantly pulling you down spiritually and mentally. There's no Unity in a marriage like that.
Thanks for the hug. It really helps alot to know that somebody else understands. It's hard to talk to other women in your church when you dont really want them to know all of your business. Next thing you know, some big mouth tells your husband all about what you've said. lol
On this thread, it isnt so close to home and I can express myself and get it off my chest better.
I am so grateful for all of you sweet ladies that have replied to my post. God bless you all.
Thanks,
Daisy
Porn is a very hard and sick disease to get rid of . I know because I was addicted to it serveal months back. However God has helped me to overcome it. THANK YOU JESUS ! , but anyways is the porn he is looking at online? because there are serveral good programs to help overcome this.
While him looking at porn is wrong on many different levels - just a wrong thing to feed oneself on in general, and wrong in your relationship because of how his actions make you feel, there is a difference between the male and female mind/response to these things.
This is in NO WAY an excuse for his behavior, just making a statement from a male perspective to give the reminder that there is a different thinking in the male vs. female mind.
You feel very emotionally violated and things because of his behavior, to him, he may not be thinking that way about it. I can't speak for him, but it may have nothing to do with him thinking that you aren't pretty enough etc. yourself. Try not to beat yourself up for not measuring up or being good enough.
I don't know if that makes much sense or not, but mainly my point was to remind you not to think that you are some failure in some way because he does this.
Obviously the case is too hard to unravel all at once and just online like this, and truly counselling would be great for you both as has been mentioned...
you are right. It is very hard to understand the male's thinking. All I know is that I knew he had the problem before I got in church, but it didn't upset me as much when I was out of church, because I could fix myself up to look like what he was looking at in the magazines and online.
Since I got the Holy Ghost, as everyone knows, my outer looks have changed dramatically also. It seems that his porn addiction now has gotten worse. And now, in order to stay on the Lord's side, I am constantly having to rise above the temptations to go ahead and 'smut' up like those porn chicks he loves to look at, just to get his attention. To be honest, I dont feel attractive to him at all since I have shed off the world.
I can be in bed laying there wondering why cant he come on to bed when he's up till 2 and 3 a.m. looking at porn. Sometimes I feel tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine like finding something I'd rather be doing than hanging around for him. But then that wouldnt be fixing the problem only making it worse and driving a bigger wedge.
I wish I could suggest that he go with me get some counceling for this, but he seems to get on the defensive and start in on how I am judging him, and he gets mad. So its a hopeless case it seems. Theres really nothing much I can do, if he doesnt WANT to get help.
I also dont think it's Gods will for me to be hurting either. I have held all this anger, and resentment in for so long until I am acting like a volcano I know. I pray about it, but seems like my prayers are not effecting it much. lol
Sometimes I feel like a broken glass that is still trying to sparkle. haha Sorry for unloading on all you nice people. lol
Your correct doing something just to get back at him , would just make the problem worse. If he dont want to go to counsleing then when he isnt home go through your house with cooking oil and annoite the door ways in your house and annoite the computer as well and just pray and ask God to make all sin in your house to go away and make your house a godly household and keep believing it and praying for it. Another thing you should really do is to keep him in your prayers and continue asking God to deliver him from this addiction. There are several free programs you can get off of the internet and download them to your computer when he isnt around it and it will block the unwanted content online. That may help with the internet porn part. If you want to know the names of them programs feel free to email me on here and I would be more than happy to share them with you.
Dear joyful 39,
I'm writing to you from the perspective of a married Christian man who was addicted to porn.
Firstly, I grieve for you, because of the burden your husband is putting on you. Looking at porn IS cheating - no matter how he or our culture tries to tell us it isn't. My wife and I will be praying that your husband will give his life to the Lord, and that both of you will be delivered from the bondage of his addiction. I may ask my wife to post in this thread as well, using my account. I'm sure she can offer you some encouragement.
Secondly, I'd like to try to address a few of the things you wrote, to help you better understand your husband's addiction. Please remember as you read my comments that I am in NO way trying to normalize or justify your husband's actions; they are both perverted and wrong. I am only attempting to give you a window into your husband's mind, and - I hope - relieve some of the confusion you feel. His reasons for looking at porn have nothing to do with you. Trust me.
Thirdly, I'd like to refer you to three authors: Steve Gallagher, Clay Crosse and Jack Hayford. Gallagher has written several books about sexual addictions, and out of all the material I've read his books have by far helped me the most. He really gets at the root of sexual addiction - what causes it, and how to overcome it. Clay Crosse (the Christian singer) wrote his book with his wife, and they tell the story of his addiction to porn: how it developed, how he hid it, and how he finally overcame it. Hayford book
The Anatomy of Seduction is also excellent. I hope these resources will give you some further insight, and help you to not blame yourself, and to know better how to pray for your husband.
Quote from: joyful 39 on May 28, 2008, 02:11:57 AM
It really makes me angry and mad and hurt. I can't understand why he needs it. When I see him looking at pictures of naked women and such, I feel that he does not find me disireable at all. I feel degraded and it shakes my trust in him, because to me its the same as cheating....
I just do not understand why he needs porn. I already have what I need, why doesn't he?...
But I feel that he is still needing something that I can not give him....
The curious thing about addiction is that the addicted person always needs MORE.
When someone is addicted to gambling, they're always playing one more hand, scratching just one more lotto ticket, because they know that it could be the next one where they win big-time. In the case of pornography, the man looks and looks and looks some more, because his body is telling him that his sexual desires will be satiated - but they never are, not quite. He feels as if he will be satisfied, so he plunges ahead, but on the other side he finds himself desiring still more.
Your husband looks at pornography because
indulgence never satisfies. Only when he submits himself to God's plan, and learns to be content with sex as God designed it to be, will he find true sexual satisfaction and fulfillment.
The problem isn't that you're not good enough -
you are good enough. The problem is that your husband is blind to this truth, because he's focused on indulging his sexual appetite instead of learning to live within God's design for sexuality.
Quote from: joyful 39 on May 28, 2008, 02:11:57 AM
But I need your prayers, and I need some strength to keep fighting through this. For just once I wish I could be the girl he's fantasizing over instead of something he sees in the magazines. But I will never look like that, and it causes me to have extreme jealousy problems that I otherwise would never have had.
There is such a thing as healthy jealousy, you know. The Lord is jealous over His people - it hurts Him deeply and angers Him when His people go whoring after other gods, and the things of this world.
There is nothing wrong - and everything natural - about feeling jealous because your husband is looking at other women. The important thing for you to ask yourself is: How will I handle my jealousy? If your reaction is to lash out at him, treat him poorly, try to make him jealous, etc. - these things are not good. But to communicate to him clearly, directly and regularly that his actions are wrong, and hurting his marriage, and wounding his wife; to pray for him; to cry, especially to God - these, among other things you could do, are healthy ways of responding.
Quote from: joyful 39 on May 28, 2008, 02:11:57 AM
It takes a very VERY strong loving woman to put up with this sickness. What have I done to deserve this?
You have done NOTHING to deserve this. It is NOT your fault. And you're right - it does take a very strong and very loving woman to stick with a husband that behaves in such a way. I pray that God will give you the strength and love to be that woman.
The most perverse thing of all about porn is that while the man sins, it's the woman who bears the brunt of the consequences. It's not fair. It's not right. Yet it is what it is. I can't help but shake, and sometimes weep, when I think about what my wife has borne for my sake, because of my choices.
It reminds me of how the most innocent person of all - Jesus Christ - bore every wicked, selfish thing I've ever done, and took upon
Himself the consequences of
my actions. That's what it means when I ask someone to forgive me, you know: it means that although I did the deed, I'm asking them to accept the consequences.
My wife is the most Christ-like person I know.
Quote from: joyful 39 on May 28, 2008, 02:46:33 AM
Thanks for the advice. Its very hard to find councelors or at least I havent found any councelors with an apostolic prosective on porn. My pastor doesnt like to preach on stuff like that it seems. The last time I brought a very sensitive matter up to my pastor, I felt that my secret was out in the open before the whole congregation. And that stopped me from taking highly personal matters to anyone close to me.
Let me ask you this: did you have good reason to feel that your secret was out in the open? Did your pastor share your situation with people he should not have shared it with? Because if he has kept your confidence, yet you still feel this way, I believe it is an attack of the enemy. Some of Satan's greatest tools are secrecy and silence. He doesn't want us to share our problems; he doesn't want us to bear one another's burdens; he doesn't want us to bond together as the Body of Christ. Because then his ability to influence our lives will be far weaker. No, he wants to isolate us, so he can keep us under his thumb.
If, upon further examination, you believe your pastor is still trustworthy, go back to him; seek his help. If your pastor has proven himself untrustworthy, find someone else. You need support from your brothers and sisters in the Body. You have a very heavy burden to bear.
Father in Heaven, please grant Joyful's husband, and Joyful along with him, deliverance from this pornography addiction. Please turn her husband's heart away from these sinful things, and toward You. Please make him sick of porn - sick enough to admit his problem, sick enough to seek help. Most of all, draw him to You. In the meantime, please give Joyful the strength she needs to bear this load. You said, "Come unto Me, all you that are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest;" help her to find rest, and strength, and joy, in You. Help her to find brothers and sisters who can help her carry this load. Help her to make the right choices for herself, her husband and their marriage, despite his wrong choices. In Jesus' name, Amen.God bless you, sister. Keep us posted.
Don
UPC Guy, Chseeads, and Titushome,
I was a little hesitant to even bring this subject up in God Place. I figured people would start thinking that I was a depressing person. I sure hope I didn't bring anybody down.
Reading a mans prospective on this subject has really helped some too. I very much appreciate your input, and thank you for your prayers. Alot of things you all have said has lifted my spirits about this whole ordeal. :thumbsup2: Thanks
One guy on here even emailed me and told me to write all those sins on the bottom of my shoe and put it under my feet. lol It does seem like a crazy thing to do, but I am surprised how much stronger it makes me feel to just walk and stomp all over it. It does sound stupid, but it is a great idea and it does help. It's amazing how crazy things can help crazy people. haha
Some strength is exactly what I have been needing. I just wish I knew how to persuade my hubb to help me instead of getting all mad and defensive. Lately I have been afraid to even bring it up to him for trying to avoid a big argument.
Were all just glad we could help a fellow sister in Christ !.
Great thoughts, Titus!
Just remember when the devil makes you believe that your husband is in this bondage because you aren't good enough, If he was with one of those porn queens he still wouldn't be satisfied. So don't lower yourself to that level because it will compromise you and won't do anything for the situation.
He's stuck in a sin. You can't change him. He has to want to change not only for you but for himself. Anyone who has come out of an entanglement like this has to do it on his own. You can stick books under his nose but he has to want to read them, or take the words to heart.
We women want to do everything for the ones we love but there are times that we have to step back, pray a LOT and realize we just can't do it. He has to.
Love the idea of anointing each room and doorway and praying that God take the spirit from your home. You may have to do it more than once.
One time, we let someone have a key to our house so they could check things when we were away, and bring in the mail. He rented porn videos and watched them at our house. When we got back, there was this awful spirit there. We could feel it. Suddenly we were thinking about nasty sexual thoughts. I'll leave it at that.
We prayed in each room for two nights and it was gone.
Another instance, a friend of ours had a husband who wasn't saved. He liked his booze too much to give it up to live for God. She anointed her home a few times. One day, she saw her husband dumping the liquor down the drain. She asked him what he was doing. He said he was cleaning out the drains. LOL He got the Holy Ghost the next service.
Again, anointing may take more than once, and it might not work out right away because it depends on your husband's willingness to cooperate, but there IS hope. God's time isn't the same as ours, so what seems like forever to us, may seem like a minute to God.
We'll keep praying for you and God bless.
Wow, there is so much good info and advice here in this thread. I know you are afraid. We are all human and probably like me, you're not superwoman. It's hard to trust your husband when you see him doing stuff like that. It plants a jealous suspecting seed in a woman who is not the jealous type. I know how it makes you feel like you dont really know this person at all.
I remember one time when my ex husband had a calender of naked chics on the wall in his closet, which I thought was being very disrespectful to me cause I had to look at it every time I went to hang up his clothes.
I went in there one day and just for fun, I cut pictures of my face out and taped them on the bodies in his closet. Oh you talking about Flaming mad! He was so mad he was cursing and calling me every name in the book. He kepts screaming how I had RUINED his calender. (which was a major no no for him!)
That really hurt me cause I guess I placed myself in a position to get hurt. But because of that hurt, I got so angry that I got sissors and I cut that calender and every magazine he had into jibblets and piled them on the dining room table and told him to eat it. And I was so mad that I was ready to cram it all down his throat. (I wasnt in church at the time). Here is where I know exactly what you are talking about when you mentioned bottling it all up until you become an exploding volcano.
I was so angry that I could have easily choked him to death and not batted an eye. And by now, you know how it is when you have had E_N_O_U_G_H. But I wasnt going to be treated like that anymore. That stuff will provoke you until a jealousy and anger demon takes you over also. It was even worse for me cause I didnt have the Holy Ghost to help me.
Well. I never saw his porn after that happened, but I knew that he secretly slipped around, even had a girlfriend for about 6 months before I even knew anything about it. The only thing I knew to do was kick that devil to the curb. (satan will find a way to destroy your marriage.)
So trying to fight the devil by yourself, you are no match. It is a principality of the air and only God can send it back to hell. Annointing your home is a great idea. Just do it before the devil tempts him into something more than porn. One sin leads to another. And satan will do it just to intimidate you. You have the spiritual authority over your home if you are serving God and he isnt.
When you have the Holy Ghost, you have a Power over this situation that other women wish they could have. In some cases, you can expect things to get worse (alot worse) before it gets better. Just hang on and dont be shaken.
And what ever you do dont accuse him and throw other women up to him whenever your trust in him feels threatened. (He may not be guilty and it may not even be his fault.) The devil will 'plant' things in your head that arent really happening and make you believe it. So you have to watch out for that junk.
I know porn will make you want to do that, but you have to keep that old thing trampled down. When you are fighting spirits left and right, they dont like that oil annointing and prayer. Don't stop praying even when you think it's gone.
Thats some good advice also ! , Just remember that no matter how hard headed he gets to just keep praying and asking God to deal with his heart , and he will eventually overcome this addiction in Gods time not ours but Gods. Just keep your head up high. :lol:
I got it blocked now. Mz Yo says that this is not going to be pleasant, Like trying to take away someones drugs or alcohol who doesnt want tough love. She did warn me to get ready for WWIII, but she told me how to block it from my computer.
Good ! Were glad you have it blocked !
The most important thing you can do for your husband is to forgive him and pray for him. Only God can set him free by convicting his heart and delivering him. Love is a choice. Choose to love your husband through this.
I'll give you some male insight on this. Sometimes women don't understand what's going on in our heads. Forgive me ladies if I say something that you strongly disagree with. I'm just presenting what I've learned personally being a man.
Men and women think differently, especially when it comes to sex. You see men separate their emotions and elements of their lives more easily than women. Women are more integrated emotionally. A man can sincerely "love" his wife but have an emotional dependency on another woman or images.
The "lust" Jesus is talking about is when a man looks upon a woman and determines in his heart that he is going to actually pursue her. The moment he has done this he has looked upon a woman, "to lust after her" and has essentially already committed the adultery in his heart because he's already determine to pursue. If a man looks at other women, or immoral videos or images, with the desire to actually pursue other women he has an adulterous heart which Jesus warned about. If this is the case the answer is repentance and recommitment to his marriage vows.
But, it's not always "lust" when a man looks at adult material. Sometimes a man can feel out of control, not masculine enough, out of shape, unsatisfied with his life and who he is, like he's not a successful husband or father, he might be a timid lover, or feel like his entire life is a waste. When a man feels this way he can easily begin using adult movies and videos to slip into a fantasy world. In that world he's in control, masculine, strong, daring, takes initiative in love making, he's the successful "man" he's always wanted to be, rich, he's important and desired. Fantasies are easy, they don't require communication and they don't require making one's self vulnerable. They don't take effort. He feels like a "man". And as easily as they are made they can be quickly ended when he feels satisfied and he returns to the real world. It can become an emotional escape for men who are hurting, insecure, or feeling out of control. This can create a vicious cycle. Because the more he does this the worse he feels about himself. The worse he feels about himself the more he feels the need to return to the fantasy world. If this is the case the answer is repentance and healing of those emotional issues that is causing him to feel like he needs this fantasy world.
Of course there are situations in which a man can feel like his needs aren't being met, for example... if his wife is morbidly obese or has long term serious health problems. In those situations there might be moments when a man might feel tempted to fulfill his unmet needs using immoral material. If this is the case the answer is repentance and self discipline.
Mistakes women make....
A lot of women overreact and automatically assume its lust because that's all Jesus directly addressed in this area. They fear that if he's looking at something other than her he must want it. Not always. Sometimes he doesn't really want what he's looking at...he wants how it makes him feel. You see, if it helps him feel "in control", powerful, or desired he'll look at it. Men are very visual creatures and images deeply impact our psyche. Some men feel this way about that big red pickup truck in the drive way. They like how it makes them feel about themselves, "...'cause every woman's crazy about a pickup man."
Women also project in these situations. Women will assume that if a man looks at this stuff he doesn't love them anymore. How's that projecting? From my experience, women are very emotional beings. Women don't separate the love from sex as easily as men. For a man the act can be functionally satisfying, as unemotional as eating. He can do immoral things or pursue immoral encounters but still "love" his wife. Not so with women in most cases. If a woman were to feel the need to look at something other than her husband or pursue someone other than her husband she would have to have experienced some serious emotional detachment from her husband, she will have had to have lost her love for her husband. So when a man takes part in this stuff the first thing a woman will do is fear that he doesn't love her anymore...because for her to do such a thing, it would require that she not love him like she does anymore. He most likely still loves you with all his heart.
Some things to consider would be....
-Forgive him and pray for him. These are the two most important things you can do.
-Don't overreact. He most likely still loves you as much as he ever did. There's nothing wrong with you.
-Don't take it personally by focusing on your pain over the issue. Remember this phrase, "hurting people hurt people". Yes, his behavior hurts you...but odds are he's doing this because he's hurting somewhere in his life. This isn't about you, you don't have the addiction. It's about him. You have to minister to him.
-Make sure you're meeting his needs as his wife (both emotional and physical). If there are things you have to change about you (weight, grooming, appearance, etc.), make the changes. This is your marriage. If you let yourself go in areas of weight, appearance, and attitude it sends a subconscious impression to him that you don't care about his needs or the relationship the two of you share.
-Talk to him about this. Don't "set him straight". Odds are he knows that you know about this and most men know how women feel about this. Talk to him about it. It's not radioactive. Without getting into a shouting match let him know that you need to know that he still loves you. Let him know that you love him and think the world of him. If you can identify those things that are driving him into this fantasy world, combat that devil by praying and re-assuring your husband that you still think the world of him and that you know this is something the two of you can work through together.
-Don't "mother" him. He's not your child, he's still your husband. If you try to take this away from him or try to modify his behavior uninvitedly it could build resentment and resistance and build extra walls to tear down. Often uninvited bounderies discipline children...when it comes to adults it builds deep resentment. This could actually drive him deeper into feeling the need for this and less satisfied with your relationship. Think of it like this...while I know that he's acting like a child, if you treat him like a child it will only serve to help perpetuate his behavior.
-Don't make him feel like he's "disappointed" you (though most likely he has, that's why forgiving him is imperative). If you make him feel like he's failed or disappointed you, this sense of failure could drive him away from you and deeper into this. You need to draw him closer to you than ever before to win his attention and reassure and affirm that to you he's always been, and always will be, the man you love and respect.
-Get ready for the long haul. This could be a long season of your lives. Be a Christian wife. Love him unconditionally; pray for him, look up to his better qualities. Be kind, gentle, understanding, patient, and forgiving. Accept him for who he is flaws and all. Realize that you can't change him. The more you try to change him the more you'll frustrate yourself and your relationship. Only Jesus can change him. Your loving disposition and grace will convict him. You'll feel like he's taking your grace for granted...but this will be something that will eventually cut through the heart of stone he's developed like steadily dripping water.
-Be aware, if your husband is a Christian and you go to your pastor about this he will feel exposed and betrayed. This could cause him such shame he could end up leaving church and fall deeper into sin. If you need counsel you might want to try a third party like a Christian counselor. If you absolutely need to talk to your pastor you can just ask your pastor to dedicate special prayer for your husband or ask that the pastor to encourage and approach your husband because he's struggling with some "personal things". This allows the pastor to know he's struggling but it allows your husband to open up about specifics if the pastor approaches him. If you feel the need to air it all to the pastor your husband will react in shock and anger. Be ready for that. Don't be surprised. Also when speaking to the pastor don't demonize your husband, express your concern for him and how much you don't want this to be something that will cause a rift between your husband and the ministry.
-Again...forgiveness and prayer are the most important things you can do for your husband if he's struggling in this area.
-Oh don't let me forget...I can't emphasize this enough....forgiveness and prayer is the most important thing you can do for your husband if he's struggling with this stuff.
-If your husband finds an "accountability partner" that's good. BUT in your home always emphasize accountability to the Lord. You see, sometimes accountability partners work very well...but when that partnership is gone or when one partner is away for an extended time those are moments when backsliding can occur. If one builds up accountability to the Lord accountability is in the proper place.
-Did I mention forgiveness and prayer? :)
-I loved the advice about anointing your home with oil. That is VERY powerful. Do it. You'll be amazed.
I know some here might disagree with some of my thoughts on this. If I'm wrong, hey, pray for me. I just wanted to share some insights and some of the thoughts I had while reading about this.
God bless and keep y'all.
I could not disagree with you more on several things in your post. You have effectively placed the burden on the woman in this situation. The burden is on the man and should remain there. It is his work to do in getting right with God and his loved ones. It is not the wife's responsibility to soften the impact this has had on her. I believe that she should address it head on. To accommodate his childish fears by trying to identify the things that are "driving him" into his fantasy world at her own expense is dysfunctional.
The boundaries a wife sets are not about "mothering" him, they are about taking care of herself. The best thing a wife can do for her husband is to take care of herself, not for his sake, but for her own.
Respect is earned and I don't know any women who can "think the world" of their husbands while they are actively participating in such a vile world such as the world of porn.
She absolutely must let him know that he has more than "disappointed" her. He needs to understand that (in most cases) his actions have devastated her. For her to * Wash my mouth out with soap * that up and absorb it will result in her physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual illness.
To imply that being honest about this will drive him deeper into it is to place the responsibility on the wife. It is NOT her responsibility. To draw close to a person who is involved in porn is dangerous. It is irresponsible to suggest that a woman "should" do this when it puts her physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological well-being at risk.
It is not her job to "win his attention" and give him unearned respect. It is his job to behave in a manner that would gain her respect. It is his job to cherish and adore her.
Looking to his better qualities and looking beyond this will result in denial which will put her in harms way. Forgiveness out of context of serious repentence is completely dysfunctional.
No definition of "love" includes the use of porn or women as fantasy material. Even a small child understands this. None of us looked forward to a man who would "love" us to include his use of other women for fantasy fodder, and involvement in vile, debase human sexuality. The two do not co-exist no matter how you want to frame it up. Men need to stop twisting the definition of "love" to suit their own purposes.
Kat makes many excellent points.
More thoughts.
When a man engages with porn he is engaging a woman/man sexually ,responding to her/his sexuality. He is pursuing her/him sexually. This is always lust. The reasons behind it do not matter. The act is what matters.
A woman is not "overreacting" when she recognizes this. She is calling it like it is. To distort it and try to parse out whether it's really lust or not is game playing and doing a great disservice to everyone.
Love is action and there is no way that a man doing immoral things and pursuing immoral encounters is "loving" his wife. Let's get real here.
To use another person in order to feel in control, powerful or desired is sin anyway you slice it.
A woman is not "projecting" anything when she recognizes and registers that her husband is not loving her when he engages is porn. She's recognizing the truth.
The worst thing we can do is to distort the definition of love, because then we are left with nothing. Yes, it is agonizing to recognize the awful truth that while our husbands are doing this, they have totally betrayed us and do not love us. At those times, we are totally out of the picture for him. But when that happens an amazing thing takes place, we find out that we are still OK, actually we are more than OK. We only have God left to turn to, and He never fails us. Life and love and beauty still exist in abundance. Our husbands do not hold these things......God does, and we are never out of the picture with Him. He is our faithful and true lover. We just have to keep walking in the fresh air of His beauty and love. We are home free. We just need to drink deeply from His well of goodness.
Excellent posts, Kat. Good psychology there. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where God says it's ok to separate sex from love. Many men try to do it, or explain their "exploits" with it, but it's not real. What you give to yourself to is what you love.
What you give to yourself to is what you love.
So true!
If we accept a distorted version of "love" from a man who is given over to the distorted thinking that porn creates, we are substituting that for the real definition of "love".
The only way of thinking that we need to be concerned about is the thinking that comes from the mind of Christ. I do not need to understand men's distorted way of
thinking or the compartmentalization that comes from trying to justify destructive behavior. A lot of effort is going into "helping women understand the way men think".
But, I have to ask is that how Christ thinks? That is the only kind of thinking I'm interested in understanding. A woman can get lost in trying to "understand" all of this.
Don't waste your time; it's too precious. Trust your intuition and protect what is precious to God. Protect your heart, mind, soul and spirit. Draw close to God and
understand His thinking. You'll find yourself wrapped in a love beyond words.
Matthew 6:24
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
Luke 16:13
No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
The Bible also has a lot to say about not uncovering your own or other's nakedness. It's sin. I know a lot is about relatives, but if you're not supposed to witness your relative's nakedness, how much more would God hate someone viewing stranger's nakedness?
What are the "mistakes" that women make?
They listen to porn distorted perception (lies) and believe it.
What does that distorted perspective say?
"All men do porn".....If a woman believes this she begins to lower her standards. She begins to lower the bar and begins to tolerate behavior and attitudes that God never
intended her to tolerate. She will gradually lose track of her own heart, mind, soul, body and spirit. She will gradually, like a frog boiling in water, let the lies chip away at
her. Far from it being the case that her grace will chip away at her husband's sin, she will be gradually eroding her own value base, and soon, she will not recognize what
she has become. She will wonder what happened to the beautiful girl she once was, full of beauty and faith and wonder. She will find herself cut off from her own heart.
Ultimately, her sexuality will be lost completely.
The greatest challenge we face as we face this evil is to stand for the good at all costs. It is far better to live alone for the rest of our lives in a home filled with the goodness
and purity of the Lord than it is to live with the pollution of porn. Women are facing the toughest challenges imaginable, but we cannot succumb to the porn, or we stand
to lose everything, especially the beautiful girl child who believes in so much more than what a porn-filled man will deliver. Women need to hold out for what God intended.
Stand firm in His truth and love. Keep your homes pure, and insist on a no porn policy to protect what God cherishes most in this world, especially if you have children in
the home.
Beautifully said. Not to mention we should pray for those misguided women who debase themselves and pose for those magazines. They have a really twisted perspective on love.
Porn can be a problem for women, too. Many women get hooked on it. They start to believe that what is presented is what men want, and the only way to attract a man is to be that way. Don't forget that porn isn't just pictures. I have read for myself some of those letters in Penthouse Forum. My ex used to get it all the time.
The letters about men and what they do to get their sexual fix is horrible. I now have some things in my mind from having seen what it really is about that I can't shake. It comes to mind at the most inopportune moments. They deal with men cheating on their wives, taking more than one woman, and much much worse.
I would dare to suggest that any man who defends all that might be a bit hooked himself.
Yes ,Sis, as you said in your previous post, we can only serve one master, and the fruit we bear in our lives will show which master we serve.
A double minded man is unstable in all of his ways. This double mindedness speaks to the split that men seem to want women to" understand". But, it is not God's way. He is not double minded.
It seems that even in the Christian community there are those that think that keeping the truth about a spouse's porn use secret is the best way to proceed, therby sparing her the heartbreak that comes with it, but she has a right to live in truth and reality, to have her life and to experience the depth of that reality (the good, the bad, the ugly). To think that she is being spared by keeping her in the dark is the utmost tyranny.
One thing that I have realized through my own experience is that I as women betrayed by my husband can never lose. I have learned to know that the deep sorrow that I feel in my heartbreak comes from the deep love and commitment that I have held for my husband. The depth of pain is equal to the love and devotion that I held for him through 24 years of marriage. I have never wept so deeply as I have over this betrayal. I know that I'm crying God's tears. So, even in my sorrow, I find myself deeply in love. It truly is one of the mysteries of God's love. His love NEVER forsakes us. Sometimes, it is most profound and clear in our sorrow. When we come to that realization, nothing can separate us from His love. We are home forever in His arms.
Each and every man and woman is precious beyond measure, and we need to stand for the best of what we all deserve, what God has prepared for us.
"We are God's work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live the good life as from the beginning he meant us to live it." This is the verse that I hang my life choices on.
I was thinking that i don't spend my time fighting demons or giving the "devil" any thought. It's like keeping my lawn beautiful. It's a waste of time to try to kill weeds; what works is to put on turf builder and build up the grass. Let the strong healthy grass kill off the weeds, slowly but surely. What we resist persists. If we spend any time trying to fight porn or "demons" we are wasting the time that we could be spending basking in God's beauty and goodness. Life is too short to waste it doing that. Let's build one another up in Christ's love and truth. I read a line in one of the Psalms that has stuck with me ever since. David was talking about "building boundary lines in pleasant places"....... we protect our hearts and souls by drawing boundary lines in the pleasant places away from porn.
Does anyone have any contact with Joyful? She hasn't posted or even visited Godplace since she said she blocked the websites her husband frequented.
My heart is very heavy with the silence. There are sooooo many women suffering at the hands of this evil force. Joyful is one of millions of women. I know I long to relieve the suffering. Everyday I am encountering women who feel like they're going under. I hope that Joyful has found the support that she needs. Women are getting so many mixed messages in the church.
On the one hand, we're told to save ourselves for our husbands alone, to be modest and save our sexuality for him alone, to find our sexuality only in the delight that we see on his face as he loves us and regards us as the exquisite creation that we are.....on the other hand we're told not to take it personally when he goes to other women's naked bodies to find his pleasure. Of course, it's nothing but personal!!!! It's enough to make a woman feel like she's losing her mind. It's bi-polar crazy making, double-minded nonsense.
When he does this, we are left not only alone, but alone without our sexuality because we have placed it into his hands alone. When he leaves us for porn, he takes our heart with him and then, we feel lost and totally estraged from ourselves and our own sexuality. Things need to change drastically. It's time that we no longer place so much power in each other's hands. As women we need to gain back our strength...so that we always have ourselves and our sexuality no matter where he chooses to go or what he chooses to do.
I've heard it said about cheating and I suppose it could be applied to porn as well.
So many men/women caught in cheating say they're not hurting anyone. The time he is spending away from his wife and family IS hurting them.
The time he's looking at other naked women he's taking away from his wife. If he's looking for "power" he's looking in the wrong place. True power comes from being the MAN of his household. From having a good relationship with God and from being a good father. Other than that, power can be abusive.
Men who use porn want women to find their sexuality in them. They want to believe that the look the woman in the picture is giving the camera, is a look for him, a look that he generated (NOT)....... They want the power and control. It scares them to think that a woman's sexuality comes from somewhere else, something beyond him, something which he can only surrender to and be caught up in..... a force so much larger than himself (God). Something he cannot control. So he turns to porn which he can control. He's afraid to get lost in the largeness of what it means to surrender to a real woman' s sexuality which is so much larger than life, larger than anything, a sexuality that requires total surrender to God. In that surrender is bliss.
A wise man and true lover knows how to find all women in one woman, all of the unfathomable mystery that resides in her being. He knows how to surrender to the mystery and knows how to allow his wife to take him there. He doesn't need variety in engaging with many women, but rather knows how to see deeply into the unfolding of one woman. He knows how to see his woman unfolding in front of him, and he is captivated by her for a lifetime.
He knows how to create a safe space in that captivation to call her forward as he sees her unfolding. It is doing all things with one woman, rather than one thing with many women. The variety is found in the continually new discoveries within one woman rather than the superficial uncovering of many women.
Men can't have it both ways. It's one or the other....
power, control, domination and objectification for selfish lust and desire
or
surrender, adoration, tender compassion and self-sacrifice for love.
In one bliss is found.
In the other, relentless torment. The choice is his to make.
The devastation that a woman experiences when her husband turns to porn is tremendous. She suffers on every level of her being. I am tired of the efforts that are being put forth in asking her to "understand" why her husband does this to her, thereby putting a further burden on a woman who is already feeling crushed. It is insult upon injury, and unfortunately this voice is coming from Christian community more than anywhere else.
It is like telling a rape victim to understand why the rapist did what he did. Get into the mind of the rapist and it will help you feel better. This is insanity. As if understanding the violation will make this better or take away the pain. The only thing that can begin to relieve her pain is for her husband to take it upon himself and bear the consequences of his actions, to take full responsibility for the devastation. Not to hide it in his "addiction".
"Wine and women corrupt sensible men, the customer of whores loses all sense of shame, grubs and worms will have him as their legacy, and the man who knows no shame shall lose his life." Ecclesiasticus 19: 2 &3
Men need to take the burden upon themselves by recognizing the full reality of what they are doing to destroy women and children on this planet when they consume porn. Will they feel buried in shame, probably, but shame is the appropriate response to something so shameful.
Kat, you are an awsome writer. Have you had anything published? You should. And this subject might be a place to start. :thumbsup2:
Sis, thank you so much. I have been developing myself as a writer. i am preparing a book of poetry/prose right now to publish at some point. My heart is so deeply touched by this subject, and it seems that life continually brings it to me. This is my second time posting in any forum. Joyful's story just tipped the balance for me, and I felt I needed to put my insights into the mix. I want to contribute what I can to hold for what we all deserve. I would love to give you a copy of my book when it get finished.
Kat, check your pms. I sent you a note.
Sis......thanks so much. I got your message.
I was thinking today about what it will take to root this evil out from amongst us. Again the picture of keeping a beautiful lawn came to mind. It is the strong grass that eliminates the weeds. So, we put on turf builder rather than weed killer. It's the same thing with porn. We are the beautiful grass, and porn is the weeds. It is going to take very strong, loving men and women to eliminate this in our lives.
Unfortunately, I am encountering a mindset as I read the books and websites in the Christian community that I think is doing us all a great disservice. That mindset encourages men not to tell their wives about their porn use. I listened to one website where men were telling their stories and encouraging other men to come into their group where they could tell the truth together without having to tell their wives (how tyrannical) They even said "don't worry guys, we've got your back". In other words, we'll hold your secrets with you. You can come into our presence, and we'll make you feel good about yourself. No man has the right to keep reality from his wife by telling lies of commission or omission. How in the world can we begin to think that any of the blessings that God has for us can thrive in secrecy, deceit and betrayal? That thinking is coming from a porn-distorted mind, and it has infiltrated the church
So men and women are separating into different camps. The men go into their groups to keep their secrets together away from the women. After all, women just don't "understand". So, men hold tightly and firmly in their porn intrenched stance away from women. As if they will find healing away from women. How in the world do they think that they will find the mind of Christ when half of the equation is missing (women) . I do not believe that any healing is going to happen as long as we segregate into men's and women's groups.
When my husband and I finally got into counseling. I chose a Christian counselor (phd psychologist) who has written a book about wives and husbands. Unfortunately I did not read the book until after we had met with him for a few sessions. In that book he explains that men should not tell their wives about their porn use, that confessing this was not necessary and that Christ does not require this. Needless to say, when I read this, I not only tossed the book into the trash but did not return to this counselor. However, it saddens me greatly that many men and women will read that book, follow that advice and be further damaged. Porn has become a dividing line, and it is driving a wedge between men and women, especially in the church.
What does the insidious voice of porn say? "women just don't understand". That the problem, once again, is women. If women could just "understand" the way men think, then men could begin to change. What a bunch of nonsense. It is going to take men and women, coming together, putting on the mind of Christ together to begin to make a change in this.
It takes a life-time for a woman's full beauty to be revealed. It is a wise man who knows how to revel in her unfolding. He will reach the end of his life, having found God and unafraid to continue to move into the mystery. What an exquisitely beautiful plan God has made for us in the sanctity of marriage, the sacredness of finding all that there is to be found in one man and one woman......How beautiful.
It takes a courageous man to shoulder the burden of the pain he has caused his wife with his porn use. Now, part of her unfolding involves deep sorrow and pain. When he holds her in his arms, he will encounter sorrow. Some men are having the courage to do this, Others are asking her to bear the pain alone, telling her that forgiveness is letting it all go and moving on. They are more than happy to let her carry the pain so they can skate free, saying "thanks honey for being Jesus to me and carrying this so I can go free". A true man would take the burden and the shame upon himself to set his wife free. A true man will let himself feel the sorrow with her.
We women need to begin to see ourselves and to find our sexuality where it truly resides in the heart of God. It is large and beautiful and is capable of capturing a man for a lifetime. We need to let go of the porn-infused notions that we were raised on which tell us that we are just a sum total of superficial body parts and superficial appearance.
When our sexuality hits the wall of a man's porn-filled eyes and falls in pieces to the ground around us, we need to know that what we will find next is the truth of who we are and have been created to be. The only thing we've really lost here has been all of the lies and the façade. That is what has shattered.
What we begin to find in the lonely nights where all we have is God to reflect back to us who we are is a picture of the truly brilliant creation that we are. Each woman holds all of the glory of God within her. We are exquisitely beautiful creations, perfectly suited to our husbands. That is the truth. It is important to only engage with a man when he is able to reflect the truth back to us. If we continue to see ourselves reflected in porn-filled eyes, we will not be able to see clearly. Do not look into his eyes until we can see the truth reflected back or we will suffer greatly.
A real man does not view porn.
A real man does not lie and deceive his wife/girlfriend.
A real man is honest, open and transparent with his wife/girlfriend.
A real man does not use men, women and children as fantasy fodder. He recognizes them as being God's exquisite creation placed here on the Earth for God's purposes not his.
A real man does not define love to include porn use.
A real man protects what is precious in God's eyes with his life.
A real man would turn porn magazines over when he sees them on the magazine rack.
A real woman does not listen to porn lies.
A real woman does not allow her sexuality to be desecrated by anyone, including her own internalized porn voice.
A real woman holds out for a real man and does not settle for anything less.
A real woman recognizes the truth of who she is in Christ and lives by that truth.
Let's all be real men and women.
Quote from: kat on September 20, 2008, 08:49:08 PM
I am tired of the efforts that are being put forth in asking her to "understand" why her husband does this to her, thereby putting a further burden on a woman who is already feeling crushed. It is insult upon injury, and unfortunately this voice is coming from Christian community more than anywhere else.
It is like telling a rape victim to understand why the rapist did what he did. Get into the mind of the rapist and it will help you feel better. This is insanity. As if understanding the violation will make this better or take away the pain....
I encourage any woman interested in this issue -
especially any woman who knows the pain of having a husband who is or has been unfaithful through pornography - to try to understand why her husband has done what he has done.
But I agree with you that the goal is not to "make [it] better or take away the pain." The reasons it may help to understand are 1. to reinforce that
it's not her fault, i.e., her husband's unfaithfulness is not due to any supposed inadequacy on her part; and 2. to help her husband overcome his addiction. The second reason is perhaps the more important one, because no married man can conquer sexual addiction without his wife's help. Yes, this puts an additional burden on the wife, who is the real victim; but there's simply no way around it.
Quote from: kat on September 21, 2008, 03:40:11 PM
Unfortunately, I am encountering a mindset as I read the books and websites in the Christian community that I think is doing us all a great disservice. That mindset encourages men not to tell their wives about their porn use. I listened to one website where men were telling their stories and encouraging other men to come into their group where they could tell the truth together without having to tell their wives (how tyrannical) They even said "don't worry guys, we've got your back". In other words, we'll hold your secrets with you. You can come into our presence, and we'll make you feel good about yourself. No man has the right to keep reality from his wife by telling lies of commission or omission. How in the world can we begin to think that any of the blessings that God has for us can thrive in secrecy, deceit and betrayal? That thinking is coming from a porn-distorted mind, and it has infiltrated the church
So men and women are separating into different camps. The men go into their groups to keep their secrets together away from the women. After all, women just don't "understand". So, men hold tightly and firmly in their porn intrenched stance away from women. As if they will find healing away from women. How in the world do they think that they will find the mind of Christ when half of the equation is missing (women) . I do not believe that any healing is going to happen as long as we segregate into men's and women's groups.
I absolutely agree with you. My wife and I have discussed this at length. Men's groups that purport to help men overcome their porn addictions are geared toward one thing: changing the man's behavior. And it's easier for most men to confess their problems and seek help from other men who struggle or have struggled with the same sins. It's easier when there are no women present; the men feel more comfortable. But comfort is not the goal - victory are healing are the goals.
But the problem with this approach is that it's a shortcut, a cheat. When our aim is only to modify behavior, it's too easy to bypass allowing Christ the opportunity to
transform the heart, in which is the root of all behavior. Thus the real solution - genuine transformation, complete healing - never enters the picture. At best, outward behavior changes, but that's all.
The Scriptures tell us that we must confess our faults one to another. And confession must begin with the ones who have been wronged/harmed by our sinful actions. So men's meetings that purportedly help men overcome their sexual addictions, yet by design exclude the men's wives, have already failed at the most basic level.
Quote from: kat on September 21, 2008, 03:40:11 PM
When my husband and I finally got into counseling. I chose a Christian counselor (phd psychologist) who has written a book about wives and husbands. Unfortunately I did not read the book until after we had met with him for a few sessions. In that book he explains that men should not tell their wives about their porn use, that confessing this was not necessary and that Christ does not require this. Needless to say, when I read this, I not only tossed the book into the trash but did not return to this counselor. However, it saddens me greatly that many men and women will read that book, follow that advice and be further damaged.
What book and counselor are you referring to? If you prefer not to mention them by name in a public forum, would you mind telling me in a PM? Thanks.
Titushome,
I hear what you're saying. One thing that I've encountered has been a lot of different opinions on porn addiction. In my case, none of the 4 counselors that we have seen have diagnosed an addiction and they all supposedly are experts in this area, so I am left with my husband's porn use and lying about it for several years as simply purposeful behavior and that it was about my inadequecies (not beautiful or sexy enough etc.....) I don't know what there would be to understand. It just hurts. He just wanted things that I can't give him and other women can. Sometimes, we are inadequate, and that is what we have to face. I am not beautiful to him, but I'm learning to be OK with that. I know God loves me just the way I am.
I am glad to hear that you agree about the healing that is hindered when the wife is cut out of the process. I have very strong feelings about the truth being denied to the partner. Unfortunately, we learn some of our most valuable lessons in life from intensely painful situations. To keep the wife from the truth so she doesn't have to deal with the pain does not do her any favors. Will she be devastated? Yes, but the porn use has already devastated her on a spiritual level anyway. Getting the truth allows her to gain back her sanity....all the times that she questioned herself because of the lies she was being told eroded her trust in her own intuition and mental processes. The truth allows her to get that back. At least she can finally have herself back, and can begin to build a foundation based on reality instead of illusion. It totally boggles my mind that Christians can really believe that it's OK to hold these secrets and continue to have her base her life on an illusion. She is the one who is impacted by his sexual behaviors why would those be confessed to strangers instead of to her. It really just violates her further by giving the information to everyone else but her. She is the last one to know. It's just wrong in my opinion.
I don't want to name the author of the book, because we did see him as a counselor.
In the book he actually chastises men for telling their wives about their struggle with porn and says to them when they visit him "Why did you tell your wife?" He goes on to say that he does not believe that this does not need to be confessed, that Christ doesn't expect that. Anyway, those are not the values that I hold, so I moved on. You have a very kind, compassionate spirit that comes through your messages. it's good to dialogue about all of this. I wish you and your wife a blessed night.
Quote from: kat on October 08, 2008, 05:19:44 AM
...I am left with my husband's porn use and lying about it for several years as simply purposeful behavior and that it was about my inadequecies (not beautiful or sexy enough etc.....) I don't know what there would be to understand. It just hurts. He just wanted things that I can't give him and other women can. Sometimes, we are inadequate, and that is what we have to face. I am not beautiful to him, but I'm learning to be OK with that. I know God loves me just the way I am.
Oh, God - I've never heard this viewpoint expressed before. And I'm sorry it's that way between you and your husband. I'll be praying for you both.
From my perspective - which in no way discounts yours - and, I think, the perspective of many other men who are or were hooked on pornography, we do find our wives beautiful and sexually satisfying. But our problem, as I described in one of my previous posts, is that we allow(ed) our thinking to become warped and consumed by lust, which can never be satisfied. This does not mean my wife is somehow inadequate; it means only that my lust cannot be satisfied.
I wonder how many men and women dealing with sexual addictions have experiences more like yours, and less like mine. Now that I think about it, without Christ - without the desire to do right, and overcome these addictions - most men probably do, as you say, view their wives as inadequate and not beautiful, or at least not beautiful enough. Is your husband a Christian?
The way you're dealing with the situation is admirable, and I'm blown away by the strength and grace of your spirit. You might not feel strong, but it's apparent through your words that you're finding your strength in the Lord. I second Sis' suggestion that you write a book, for the sake of the women whose husbands are destroying their marriages with their sexual addictions, with no desire to change.
Quote from: kat on October 08, 2008, 05:19:44 AM
I don't want to name the author of the book, because we did see him as a counselor.
Sorry to be so persistent, but may I ask you again to send me his name privately, in a PM? I don't want to read his books or recommend them to others if his approach is as you've described.
Quote from: titushome on October 08, 2008, 02:28:49 PM
I second Sis' suggestion that you write a book, for the sake of the women whose husbands are destroying their marriages with their sexual addictions, with no desire to change.
Kat, I know many women who need to read your book. Think about the suggestion, please?
Ruby
it sounds like you may be mad at yourself for the porn--but do not let your mind ran away about porn remember you married him because of love-- the good and bad---find some thing to do together like walking 1 hr a day together and god may let him know that your the same girl me married ----not just someone that he lives with--god hates porn but not people-----what he is thinking may be the tool you need to reconnect with him---you do not know what he is really thinking--do not let your church folk get between you and your mate -- he knows your in church just set and read your bible more at home to yourself and let god put the pressure on him--he may wake up and see the real you---it may take time but if you spend all your free time at church he is at home--find time to be together out side your home-- i would in no way stop going to church for it is your way to over come the evil one that comes to destroy--- your bible is the living word--- Jesus will take care of everyone who call on his name-
I was addicted to porn and to be honest I sometimes still struggle with it but the best thing anyone can do is to pray and help the person who is addicted through this storm. It will take time though.
Kat, you are a beautiful writer. I look forward to reading more as it is a burden of mine that women, especially young women see their beauty as God has given it, and thus what sex really is and isn't.
You are more than enough. I don't have to see you or know you to validate that statement. You are not deffecient in any way. What is lacking is in the relationship, not you. It is profitable to be healthy, to better reveal the beauty God has given you, but that is not for others but because you are a temple of the Holy Ghost.
I have more thoughts but they are for another time. Blessings to you Kat.
Melodyà
This is Kat. I messed up my account when trying to change some data. I've had to sign on as Kat2. Anyway, I'm back. Thank you for the kind words. I do love to write. It is especially meaningful when I can validate and encourage others and myself at the same time. We are all in the same boat on the same journey. It's just wonderful to be in this life, learning new lessons in love and compassion. Love is where it's at for sure.....
Can someone please help me in removing my e-mail from showing. That is what I was originally trying to do when I messed up last time. I prefer to have my e-mail private (hidden)....Thanks
You can PM Scott to fix it for you. Just put "Scott" in the place for the name and he'll get it.
Thank you Sis, I will do that.......
I have not been able to make the changes I need to as Scott directed me to. I cannot get the profile to change to get my e-mail off so, I will have to remove myself from the board. I want to thank everyone again for the kind words and thoughts. Sis, I'll keep you posted on my writing and will make sure you get a copy of my book as promised. Thanks again.
Message Scott again. Maybe he can do it for you.
Removing yourself from the board is not going to get your email off there.
Your email is hidden now, whoever did it.
Here is a link to a free ebook dealing with breaking the addiction through understanding the cause of pornography addiction.
http://www.rbc.org/uploadedFiles/Bible_Study/Discovery_Series/PDF/When_A_Mans_Eye_Wanders.pdf (http://www.rbc.org/uploadedFiles/Bible_Study/Discovery_Series/PDF/When_A_Mans_Eye_Wanders.pdf)
RW
i have been reading the posts that everyone is writing and they all sound like people who are struggling or are mad that someone else is struggling. i have struggled with porn on occasion and i have seen the damage it does in peoples lives and my own. However, that is all sin people. You woman who are hurting i am sorry that someone has chosen something over you. I know it hurts because i have felt that same feeling. Ask your self one question though. How many times have you chose things over God? How many times have you cheated on God? We our all prostitutes, but in Christ we are redeemed and loved. Next time you catch your husband cheating on you with porn (which it is cheating) ask your self how you have done the same to God. Than repent, pray for your husband and have compassion because he is a sinner who desperately needs God's grace. One day God will wipe away all our tears and we will hunger no more neither thirst, because we will be with Him. Until than realize what he has done for you. Look at your sin and turn people to Jesus for the sake of Jesus and not your selfish pain. We use sin and Jesus way to much for our own benefit than we really do to point people to Christ.
In Christ Blake.