Ask Burrito

[Melody]

I've only been married 15yrs but I agree, those are some great points/advice. 

Except my burnt food really does still taste better than his mother's.   


Don't let them scare ya though. Nathan's put on at least 50lbs of love and dresses better than ever.  He's greeted at the door with gleeful skipping, kisses and joy.  And that's just the dog.    I've made foot rubs look so fun, the kids want in on giving them to him.  He always has an eager friend to talk about anything he wants with, especially the things of God.  I don't need him to be a hero, though he is. I value his honorable transparency and vulnerability, immensely.  He knows he gets better looking all the time because I tell him so in slight disbelief since he was a hunk right off the bat. I may have used the words "Greek God" at some point but they weren't insincere! 

For all the work involved, all the situations that expose what you're really made of and can make or break ya... no doubt, it's worth it.

[Newsman]

Oklahoma is the best! Texas and Arkansas are just somewhere with the Rest!

[The Purple Fuzzy]

[Newsman]

 

[Lynx]

At the risk of getting back on topic... Burrito, what's your favorite kind of food? 

[SippinTea]

I'm pretty sure it's hot chocolate. *evil grin at Chelbertina*

[Scott]

Ah but I am not letting Chel off the hook...



Women:


Don't ask ''What are you thinking about" or ''Whatcha' Thinkin'" - chances are it isn't something you want to hear about. If he is deep in thought, chances are that he is not thinking about you, the marriage or what clothes you need to wear.  He is thinking about...

(Examples of the types of things that go thru a man's mind)

• His last video game, or


• Who played 3rd Base for the 1968 New York Yankee's (Bobby Cox), or
  
  
• What ever happened to my favorite toy as a kid, or


• Clark Kent Glasses on, Superman Glasses off?  How does that work, or


• 2010 Chev S-10 or 2011 Dodge Ram, or


• I wonder if you could combine a Big Mac, A Whopper and a White Castle?, or


• If the Zombies did attack, how would I kill them? Do we have an Ax? A baseball Bat, or....

He cannot read your mind. If he asks ''what's wrong"?  Don't tell him - ''YOU KNOW!''  Trust me, he doesn't.

Men are not mind readers. Don't start a conversation ''she told me that..." or '' He got into a car accident'' or anything similar.

Reminders: Don't expect him to remember important dates.  Put reminders in his phone, Ipad or whatever device he uses.  My niece will sneak into my phone and set reminders for me of HER birthday and she is only 15.

Never ask if this dinner is better than his mom's! 

Make friends with his mom, call her sometime or take her aside and ask what his favorite foods are and what is her recipe.  My wife calls my mom for recipes from time to time. My mom's head swells and she tells people. This is called ''Good P.R.". Besides, you just might like her recipe.

Find out your in-laws favorite meal and cook it for them or find out their favorite restaurant and take them there.

Do not ask him what you wore to church last Sunday. 85% of the time, he didn't even notice.  Oh at first he might, but as the years grow - he notices less and less.  My wife will say " Did I wear this last week"? I reply "Seriously? You are actually asking me this?" 

Until you have been married a while, don't point to a movie star, rock star or other female and ask ''do you think she is pretty?".  If he doesn't have a heart attack or stroke, he will freeze up.  His brain may lock up - he was probably thinking ''WoW! That Chick is hot... oh look, a car......."  His brain has already moved to something shiny!" Now he has to stop, compute and decide if he should say ''yup she is'' or '' Nu uh... how gross!" or ''What answer does she want?" If it is the later, it may take a few minutes as he mentally flips coins.  Be nice, don't ask that question until you've had a few kids together and still love each other.

Don't ask him " Did you see how she was dressed?" Again a brain freeze! 
a.) he noticed and hoped you didn't notice he noticed
b.) He noticed and saw something shiny
c.) he was thinking about food and didn't pay attention
d.) he is afraid to answer - because he doesn't know what you want to hear

If you ask him to fix dinner while you run errands... don't get mad if he made Hot Dogs and Potato Chips when you wanted Spaghetti!  Be specific, talk  slowly and say "Please... make... some.. Spaghetti while I am at the store..

Reminders:

Guys pass gas, it happens and yes, he might giggle when he does. To guys that is funny!

This is the infield Fly Rule - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infield_fly_rule, if he plays softball or watches Baseball.. it is important.

Baseball 3 strikes you are out, 4 balls you walk

Football - you get 4 tries or Downs to move 10 yards. Most of the time they punt on the 4th try. A punt means they kick the ball to the other team

Guns and Fishin' equipment are more important than Sewing machines and furniture shopping.

Feel free to drop him off at the electronics or Sports department at WalMart - he will be happy and so will you. You will not have to hear him whine about ''going home''. At malls, find a coffee shop or a nice bench, give him some popcorn and a pop, leave a paper or book with him then shop. He will love you.

Let him grill the food - it is a guy thing.

Never ask him ''does this (fill in the blank) make me look fat. His brain will freeze and he will cry inside. It took me several years to learn this phrase "Honey, you look good in what ever you put on. I don't care how it makes you look, I love you anyway and think you are the hottest thing out there''.  (Learned from my dad) Now she asks my sons, they haven't learned yet.  My wife isn't fat by the way, she just lost 30 pounds and is proud of it.

Christmas time: Give him a list of things you want for Christmas. He may have a nervous breakdown without it. Make it simple...  I want (item) and you can find it at (store name).

Don't ask him to clean the garage and mow the lawn then tell him he stinks!

Guys belch and think it is funny.

[Lynx]

I must not be a real guy.  More than half that stuff doesn't fit me.  Especially all the stuff having to do with sports.

[Lynx]

You and your partner are different.  Your brains are wired differently.  This is a good thing.  Sometimes a situation will need your approach, sometimes it will require your partner's perspective, sometimes you will have to find a halfway point between your different ways of approaching it.  That's why God made you different, so you could handle situations better together than alone.  Just because your partner doesn't agree with you doesn't automatically make one of you right and one of you wrong.  You may both be right, but one approach may be more relevant to a certain situation than another.

Sometimes your partner will not understand your perspective - this is not from stubbornness, it's just because your partner's brain isn't wired that way.  You might have to break down your viewpoint into bite-sized pieces to get your partner to understand it.  Try to do so without being condescending, and try to assume your partner is not being condescending when breaking down his/her viewpoint so you can understand it.  God made you different because together your different approaches can work together to handle a lot more than two clones would be able to handle.  The trick is to learn to recognize when your partner's approach to a situation is more valid than yours.

Besides, if you were both the same you wouldn't need your partner and - more devastating to you - your partner wouldn't need you!  Be very glad you are different.

Find out what your partner absolutely hates to do and take that job on yourself.  Mowing may make his allergies run wild, she may really hate doing the dishes... even if your partner doesn't verbally complain about a task, it'll be evident if it's getting on your partner's nerves.  If you want a head start, ask your partner's parents what he/she really hates doing.  In addition to giving you a head start, it will put you in good with your partner's parents - it's their child you are showing you care about and they will be glad you care enough to seek out the tasks their child hates.

With everything you do for your partner, make sure you are doing it for the same reason God takes care of His people - because you love your partner, because you chose your partner and because you care about your partner's happiness.  If you do things for your partner to curry favor, score points or just out of obligation, you have lost most of the benefit already. 

Specifically for the man:  If you are in an argument and you ever, ever, EVER use 1 Peter 3:7 to imply she is inferior... you have used the verse out of context and you deserve whatever you get as a result.    

[Scott]

I must not be a real guy. 

You said it, we didn't!   

[Scott]

You and your partner are different.  Your brains are wired differently.  This is a good thing. (did not include all of quote to conserve space) 

Question and I don't know the answer. Are you now or have you been married?   I ask because in order to people to take any relationship or marital advice you offer seriously - you need to show your credentials.

You didn't give us any background on your marital history, if you are quoting from a book, a sermon or a class. Not saying you didn't say good things, just saying you need to give your experience.

Our church puts on marriage seminars from time to time and the one thing each and every presenter does is tell us how long they have been married.  If someone shows up and gives marriage advice and has not been married, that is like someone without kids telling parents how to raise kids.

There was once a woman at our church who was always telling me how to raise my kids, problem... she never had kids.  When she got married and had kids and they turned ages 3 and 4 - she ran to me for help. I was tempted to tell her that she had all the answers before she had the kids, but I bit my tongue. I was able to share from experience how to deal with a 3 and 4 year old boy.

You can tell people the best things in the world, but without the experience -  you may not be taken seriously.

[Lynx]

Not quoting from a book or anything, just a few observations I have made over the years. I'm certainly not an expert of any kind... Except maybe at eating. I'm an expert eater.

[SippinTea]

Hmm... for what it's worth, Chel... a huge portion of that picture into a guy's mind/life doesn't apply to my hubby. My own advice would be to take all the marriage advice you've read/heard/observed and throw it out the window. Speaking from personal experience here... A bunch of the stuff I thought I knew about marriage (or should I say a stereotypical marriage) had to go bye-bye. The person you are marrying is an individual with their own unique likes/dislikes/ways of communicating/irritations/lovable things. My own advice is to make it your goal to really learn YOUR husband, and nevermind the books/advice, unless it specifically fits your own husband/marriage - in which case the advice may be helpful. But don't be surprised if it's not.

But then..... I've only been married for two years. Ask me again in 25 years and I'll probably have something quite different to share.

[Scott]

I can guarantee you that my views have changed from 2 years, 7 years, 14 years, 21 years and now soon to be 28 years.

After about 15 years the husband starts laughing about the things that used to anger him. Those male/female differences. You cannot change genetics and DNA - men and women are different. We see and view things differently - we think differently.

Weddings for most women are romantic things and exciting. For most men it is an imposition on their time.

A new Flashlight for most males is a toy to be played with, for most females - they make sure it works and into the drawer, glove box or trunk it goes.

Gift giving - guys think in terms of practical while the ladies think of the emotional or sentimental. The old joke about the husband buying his wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday is laughed at, but many guys don't get why it's funny or why she should be mad. To a guy that is a practical gift. After being married a while, you learn that it is not what women want from their hubby on their birthday.  (Neither are toasters, Irons, Waffle Irons, or cooking things of any sort). On the other hand, buy him a new grill... excitement!

Most guys (me included) don't understand women + shoes. Most guys are happy with a couple of dress shoes, sneakers and a pair of boots. Between my wife, sister, mother and sister in law  - they could supply a small country with footwear. I have my church shoes, my knock around sneakers and my work boots. What more do I need?

Diversity is a fact of life. We live in a society where they are trying to make men and women androgynous . Dr. James Dobson calls it de-genderization and emasculating the American Male. God made us different - we don't need men to act like women and women to act like men.

Enjoy the differences.

[Scott]

I hate to shop.  I detest shopping! I sit in the car and wait for my wife to come out, rain, shine, sleet or snow.

HOWEVER - a Musical Instrument store or a gun store - I can spend a lot of time, while my wife sits and waits.

[Melody]

I agree Scott.

The first 10 yrs I didn't find the books applied to me either. Neither did Nathan. We are kicking ourselves now for it and reading as much as we can. Whether it's extra Bible study and prayer or Christian books on the subje t that break it down, it's needed. The most wonderful marriage I've seen is my pastor's and he strongly advocates reading and educating ourselves, especially in marriage and parenting.

You couldn't have gotten that through to me 10yrs ago though so it's a learning process that unfortunately necessitates avoidable pain/consequences to learn life's lessons. I think the fact that we were parents right away and then church things, served as such a consuming purpose that we seriously didn't realize some things till the kids got older and we had time to see many things more clearly.

[Scott]

I agree Scott.

The first 10 yrs I didn't find the books applied to me either. Neither did Nathan. We are kicking ourselves now for it and reading as much as we can. Whether it's extra Bible study and prayer or Christian books on the subje t that break it down, it's needed. The most wonderful marriage I've seen is my pastor's and he strongly advocates reading and educating ourselves, especially in marriage and parenting.

You couldn't have gotten that through to me 10yrs ago though so it's a learning process that unfortunately necessitates avoidable pain/consequences to learn life's lessons. I think the fact that we were parents right away and then church things, served as such a consuming purpose that we seriously didn't realize some things till the kids got older and we had time to see many things more clearly.

True..

Let me explain what I mean by

I can guarantee you that my views have changed from 2 years, 7 years, 14 years, 21 years and now soon to be 28 years.

I say 2 years, because that first 12 to 18 months you are in that newlywed fog. Everything is new and you are adjusting to each other's foibles, personalities and habits.  By that second year mark, things are getting somewhat normal and you are getting adjusted to living together. 

I then use that 7 year mark, because for some odd weird reason life seems to go in 7 year cycles. Every 7 years are a bit different than the previous 7.

The first 10 yrs I didn't find the books applied to me either. Neither did Nathan. We are kicking ourselves now for it and reading as much as we can.

There are some good books out there - Time LaHaye wrote a good book the "Act of Marriage''.  Some suggest reading it before the wedding, I suggest reading it about a month or two AFTER the wedding.  Dr. Dobson has some good books and in the Pentecostal Publishing house you can find good marriage books.

I agree, during our first years, we didn't think those books applied to us. We were adults - college educated and a bit stubborn. After attending some marriage seminars, we've learned that we could have used some of those books/lessons after all.

you couldn't have gotten that through to me 10 yrs ago though so it's a learning process that unfortunately necessitates avoidable pain/consequences to learn life's lessons.

Indeed.

I promise you that our views today are not the same we had 20 years ago. Arguments that may have lasted for hours 25 years ago barely get 15 minutes these days.

I think the fact that we were parents right away and then church things

We waited four years to have kids. We decide that let my wife go back to school and get her degree, I had mine already. 

Church things: right off the bat we were busy. We spent our honeymoon running a Crusade. We were the Morning Evangelists and led the outreach teams. At night we led the altar team.  I was the assistant pastor of a church that had 2 preaching points.  Things got busy immediately.

served as such a consuming purpose that we seriously didn't realize some things till the kids got older and we had time to see many things more clearly.

At the risk of having you throw a book at me... Age does help us see things more clearly. (Not calling you old mind you.)

[Burrito]

This is all new to me and have no preconceived notions about what is in store for us. We do have some dreams of where we want to be and how we want to live. Life is full of surprises. If someone had have told me 6 months ago that I would be getting married... Yeah Right... But God has a plan and with His help and grace we can make it. 

[RainbowJingles]

That WAS good advice.

The one thing I'll add to the list is..... hugs fix an awful lot of things. More than most guys realize. And I mean SILENT hugs - don't try to verbally fix the problem while hugging. Just hold her. Talking it out can wait a bit. Even when you think (or she thinks) it can't.

Yeah.  That.  Don't forget that.  Ever.

[RainbowJingles]

Please define "preconceived notion."  lol

[RainbowJingles]

For the record, the first year will likely be FILLED with discovering that you have about a bajillion preconceived notions that you didn't even know were negotiable, and that you had no idea that ANYONE could POSSIBLY disagree with.

[Lynx]

I won't be able to be there, so I'll ask you here.  Why 5:58? 

[Burrito]

Please define "preconceived notion."  lol

HAHA that may be hard to define...

[Burrito]

I won't be able to be there, so I'll ask you here.  Why 5:58?

This is Chel we are talking about... and 58 just happens to be a great number.

[Lynx]

Aye, a cogent point.