Should a guy actually ask a girl to date him?

[sunlight]

I will come back and fill in the details when i have time... and i will give my opinion on it at that time too... I just wanted to go ahead and start the poll and see what you people think...

[Ashlee]

I say yes.  It helps prevent confusion.  Assuming something is never a good thing.

[almondjoy]

I say yes.  It helps prevent confusion.  Assuming something is never a good thing.

Yeah, what she said.

[JonathanHarper]

  i voted it doesn't matter, i am married... lol 

[MelodyB]

Yeah but you had your fair share Jonathan!

Yes I think they should. Keeps the girl from having to wonder where she stands in their relationship.

[Sis]

What's the alternative?  Playing caveman and clubbing her over the head and dragging her out by her hair? 

[apsurf]

this reminds me of the old childhood rhyme...Georgie porgy, pudding and pie....

[Amelia Bedelia]

Alternative is she gets to go out with whoever she wants with a clear conscience and he has no right to get jealous or hurt if she's already accepted a date for next week that isn't him.

If a guy wants to date a girl exclusively and wants her to date him exclusively then ABSOLUTELY he should ask and clarify his intentions
anything else is just silly and self absorbed

[Tsalagi]

Alternative is she gets to go out with whoever she wants with a clear conscience and he has no right to get jealous or hurt if she's already accepted a date for next week that isn't him.

I agree.  The twist here is that so does he.

I don't want a gal thinking she's tied to me by her word (or vice versa), if she wants to be with me, fine.  If she wants to go out with someone else, that's also fine.  No ring, no promise.  No ring, No "going out" status.  "Going steady" without a ring, or promise, or intent to marry is just a made-up "license to sin".

To me, there is no such thing as "going out", or "going steady" - IMO, that's authentic seventh grade.

If there is intention ON BOTH SIDES to make "the relationship" (uggh...we need to add that phrase to the profanity filter, the replacement needs to be "I need to leave junior high school behind") permanent, then there should be a ring and a promise not to "see" anyone else.

AT THAT POINT, they are considered a "couple", and should (theoretically) be free from all the silliness.

***edit***

Define: "date" him.

As in, will you go out with me Friday to ?

or

Do you like me, circle yes or no... 

[Sis]

If a guy never asks a girl to date him how can they go out?  How do they get to know each other?  The alternative to me is arranged marriage.  A guy HAS to ask her out, or vice versa. SOMEBODY has to ask or they'll never get together enough to see if they want to have a relationship.

Going steady only means you are steadily seeing each other and nobody else. *Shrug* Don't need jewelry to steadily see each other.

[Tsalagi]

If a guy never asks a girl to date him how can they go out?  How do they get to know each other?  The alternative to me is arranged marriage.  A guy HAS to ask her out, or vice versa. SOMEBODY has to ask or they'll never get together enough to see if they want to have a relationship.

Going steady only means you are steadily seeing each other and nobody else. *Shrug* Don't need jewelry to steadily see each other.

But if they know each other at all in any way and have any sort of contact or conversation about anything at all, then they already have a "relationship".

"Going steady" is a by-product of the sexual revolution and did not exist as is (in the US) prior to about the mid 1930's.  It had its roots in 17th-century Germany, the practice it came from was called "fenstering" - they were considered already "married".  This included cohabitation and well, "relations".  Then when the man could prove his financial ability to provide for a family and she could prove her ability to take care of said family - and they had enough money to marry - they were officially "married" (by the church, which was the ONLY "marriage" recognized).

"Going steady" without clearly stated intent to marry is an open invitation to sin.  No NO!!

***edit***

I don't know about anyone else, but I have more than enough trouble behaving myself already without adding the temptation that premarital exclusivity can bring.  Just IMO...

[Newsman]

   A bit of an alternate viewpoint from me on this. In most relationships, there has to be a period of 'dating' before people decide they are ready for marriage. Courtship is not a relaistic alternative to people who don't really know what it means and/or is foreign to their customs. There are even those who fully know what courthsip means that still choose to date, and it doesn't neccesarily lead to sin.

   Thus, there often has to be something akin to what we call 'dating'. And, as I recall from a relationship I had many years ago, when she and I started dating I spoke with her, and we agreed we would not be dating anyone else.

   As in so many things, though, YMMV. What works for my friend Chris may not work as well for another, and vice versa. Just as people are unique, the ways people approach romantic relationships can vary greatly, from person to person.


John 

[Sis]

I think they would call that betrothal. Going steady is no more than an exclusive relationship, whether stated that way or not. *Shrug* no big deal.

As for the other, I was joking around. If you don't ask her out, and she doesn't ask you out, how do you get on that date?

[Ashlee]

I'm confused.  Things sure are different in different parts of the world. 

[MelodyB]

Chris..are you saying that to be someones boyfriend that you would give her a ring just to be her boyfriend?

If I was "going" with someone, I would say that he is my boyfriend. If it was going out to dinner, like on a date, but not "dating" they would not be considered my boyfriend. Just two people enjoying dinner and each others company, but not "dating". I go out with guys all the time, but just as friends, and I dont call it a date either. It just depends on the situation I guess.

But I have never heard of exchanging rings without the intent to marry.

I just wanna know if you give out a ring to your girlfriend.

[alohilani]

Wow. Interesting discussion.

I believe in the seventh-grade 'going out' period, I guess - a time of exclusive dating - not as a license to sin, but as a mutual agreement to build a solid foundation of trust with the understanding that the relationship will proceed to marriage.

Handing out rings to girlfriends would put some guys into serious debt. (Just teasin' - I knew that wasn't what anyone meant! *grin*)

[Sis]

not as a license to sin, but as a mutual agreement to build a solid foundation of trust with the understanding that the relationship will proceed to marriage.

Or you may find out you aren't on the same page and break up.

[Newsman]

  breakin' up is hard to doooooo 

Yeah, right..like the IBOB and GotG would know!  err, 


John 

[Tsalagi]

I guess my viewpoints on this subject are influenced by two things:

One:  Kids already have an abundance of hormones.  They don't need any further inducements to get into things that will get them into trouble.

Two:  No matter hard hard our preachers preach against it, our apostolic young people are lining up left, right and center to get pregnant at 15, 16, 17.  I have seen this at three churches here so far...

This may just be a Houston area thing, but what gives here?

I'm TIRED of this.

OK, I do think there is a time to declare the relationship "exclusive" and that time is engagement or betrothal or whatever it's called.  I think it should be decided by both people, and if both people decide it's so, what need for "do you like me? check the box."?

No ring, she's fair game - and don't whine at me, little fellers.  Having an "exclusive" relationship without absolute intent to marry is sophistry.  Pure baloney.  What's to try out?  Each other?  To "make sure you're physically compatible"?  lol  That's called "fornication".

Trust me, you can't get to "know" someone until you have lived with them for years.  You will find things about them that you dislike immensely, and they you - things that might have made you go, "hmmmmmm, maybe not". 

So that's my position.  An "exclusive relationship" outside of the intent to marry is allowing latitude for "romantically inclined physical contact", as my old principal used to say.  Until the two become married, they don't really know if that's who God has for them - and when they do become married, (hopefully it's a decision based after seeking God's will!) it's too late to change their mind.  And if they "consummate the relationship" on the grounds of "just checking for compatibility" and then decide he or she is not for them, how exactly does that differ from just plain sleeping around?  Answer:  It doesn't differ at all.   

[iridiscente]

""OK, I do think there is a time to declare the relationship "exclusive" and that time is engagement or betrothal or whatever it's called.  I think it should be decided by both people, and if both people decide it's so, what need for "do you like me? check the box."?""

I'll agree with that, assuming one is Ok with rings, if not, that the engagement/betrothal takes place in any case.

[upcchris]

Maybe it's a culture thing...or maybe it's just me, which is more than likely. Personally 'exclusivity' to me means finding out if their personalities are compatible, without the issue of physicality. Maybe I'm just naive, which is probable, but to me I won't date someone *at all* if I didn't think they were a compatible candidate for a life partner, which is one of the many reasons why I have never dated. To me, if and when I date, the exclusivity is a given. And to me the whole physicality issue is a big 'not gonna happen, mate' until after the marriage vows are said and the wedding cake is eaten.

To me 'casual' dating is callous and time wasting.

And on the topic: Yes a guy should ask a girl to date him, otherwise how would she know that he wants to date her?

[Sis]

Well, some people think they'll work out together because they "know" each other pretty well, but as they date, they find they are opposites in many things, and they quit dating because they're really not as compatable as they thought they would be. Some people date as friends because it's just fun to go out to parties, etc together with someone.

As two people get closer, and they have dated for awhile to find they ARE compatable, they become exclusive and then after a bit they become engaged.

You think you know someone pretty well, but if you only talk to them casually or know them from church or whatever, you really don't. Dating is a way to find out if two people agree on important things. And if not, they quit seeing each other. It's not rocket science.

Would you like to become engaged to someone and find you are polar opposites when it comes to the amount of children you want, if any. How about finding out that one person doesn't want children at all and the other one wants two or three?  How about if you're engaged and find out that you believe in holding standards and the other one doesn't?  This is what you find out when you're dating, and so much more.

[Amelia Bedelia]

if you're not being physical what's the point of being exclusive? you don't have to be wary about disease control.

if you are marriage oriented you should be able to accept dates from a different person every night of the week.  if someone keeps rising to the top and wants to be exclusive, do it with an official proposal.

if you are mature enough to be ready to get married you should know what you want and be able to identify it within a relatively short period of time

if for some reason you still don't know what you want yet, do the single world a favor and don't demand exclusive relationships while you figure yourself out!

its not really rocket science, if you aren't  sure, step back and pray and get an answer, don't prolong it by going exclusive - you'll just form a habit and get their hopes up

exclusive dating, especially for long periods of time is selfish. go or get off the pot.  biological clocks are real, don't convince someone to put their eggs in one basket (forgive the pun and cliché two for one) without a deadline to make good on it!

[Amelia Bedelia]

I didn't see sis' post before I posted, silly phone.

just wanna add that all those topics can be discussed without being exclusive

I've gone on dates and discussed many a topic, you have to approach it as two singles with the same goal of Find 'The One', you might be it, you might not, lets do us both a favor and talk about it.  are we supposed to both pretend that's not why we're both here? 

there is nothing wrong with open communication, I've made some great friends, we've talked, realized we aren't  for each other and its no hard feelings cause we never wasted time getting hopes up. went straight for what's important, got the answer and left with a good, intact, open communication, honest friendship

its issues we all deal with and think about.  its tragic when people can't talk about stuff.

if someone gets skittish about the idea of talking about stuff then in my opinion they aren't ready to get married and communicate in a relationship.  your issues, ideas and goals aren't that unique and you won't be that vulnerable, you are who you are and if you want someone who fits you, you'll have to be honest with them and you about who you are

do them a favor as a fellow singleton and let them know who you are... and let them let you know who they are, don't project on them, don't debate them, don't try to change them, don't get your hopes up about them either... let them be who they are and be honest with yourself as to the compatibility, don't force it

[Sis]

just wanna add that all those topics can be discussed without being exclusive

No, I said/meant that's the reason for dating. To learn that kind of information. Some seem to think dating = sex and it doesn't.

When you get closer while dating, most start being exclusive. Some become exclusive right away. That's their thing. But dating is the time to find out what you want from another person and to find if the person you are with is someone you are compatable with.