Porn addiction destroying my marriage

[joyful 39]

I'm new on this site, but I was wondering what advice anyone here can give me. My husband isn't in church, as a matter a fact he doesn't even go. Just once in a while. My problem is that he has an addiction to porn.

It really makes me angry and mad and hurt. I can't understand why he needs it. When I see him looking at pictures of naked women and such, I feel that he does not find me disireable at all. I feel degraded and it shakes my trust in him, because to me its the same as cheating.

The bible says that he that looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already in his heart. So really he is cheating in a sense isn't he?

He knows I get mad, and I never mentioned divorce to him over this, but it does make me rethink things through. Wondering why I had to marry somebody with a this kind of problem. I just do not understand why he needs porn.  I already have what I need, why doesn't he?  Besides that,  it's wrong and an abomination in the eyes of God.

But I feel that he is still needing something that I can not give him. It drives a wedge between us, because he makes me put up a wall there that I dint want him touching me.  Cause I'm thinking that he is imagining something other than me in his mind.

It hurts. It really really hurts. And it is frustrating.  It changes the way I feel about him. It has changed the way I have looked up to him. It has changed the bond between us and also changed my trust, my self esteem, my confidence in myself, and also my confidence in him.

It also starts up and anger problem that I never had before, and I go off to myself wishing I could do something to make him so jealous he can't see straight. (Which is also a sin.) It makes me feel like a scalded dog. What would he do if I was fantasizing over another man when I closed my eyes instead of him. How would he feel??

Porn is an ugly cousin to all these other things what tear marriages apart. He doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. Maybe this marriage isn't that important to him. But it's a really big deal to me. And I dont know if there are any other people on here that are having the same problem.

But I need your prayers, and I need some strength to keep fighting through this. For just once I wish I could be the girl he's fantasizing over instead of something he sees in the magazines. But I will never look like that, and it causes me to have extreme jealousy problems that I otherwise would never have had.

So if he needs all that eye candy, where does that leave me?  Just the old nag that washes dirty underwear and fetches dinner? I really need some input here. 

Maybe its just me, but am so sick and tired of being 'cheated on' with porn.  It takes a very VERY strong loving woman to put up with this sickness. What have I done to deserve this?

[Sis]

It IS a big deal. But the world is telling him it's ok. So it's a hard thing to fight. 

You should try going to a Christian counselor, alone if you have to. They might be able to explain what it really does to the mind.

Men who look at porn begin to believe that all men think the way the men portrayed in the porn does. Then they think that all women want to be that way, too. It twists your thinking.

It's addictive. The men who get hooked on it have  a hard time breaking away. There's a spirit attached to these types of sexual things. The harder he may try to get away the worse the spiritual aspect of it becomes and he has a hard time breaking away.

It's too hard to help you with it in here, but again, I would consider a Christian counselor.

[joyful 39]

Thanks for the advice. Its very hard to find councelors or at least I havent found any councelors with an apostolic prosective on porn. My pastor doesnt like to preach on stuff like that it seems. The last time
I brought a very sensitive matter up to my pastor, I felt that my secret was out in the open before the whole congregation. And that stopped me from taking highly personal matters to anyone close to me.

I know that God knows all about it, but I need some audible help. lol If you know what I mean. I wish I knew where there was a really good cd or dvd I could buy on this subject. I have never heard an apostolic minister go in debth on this subject because of probably the embarrassement or being afraid someone under age might hear it.

But it is a serious widespread epidemic that has stricken alot of relationships, EVEN in the apostolic churches. There are many people in the church with husbands or wives who are addicted to this stuff. Its a touchy subject, but it's one of those things that just goes un-mentioned in my part of the woods.

[Sis]

In a lot of situations, it matters if you have an Apostolic counselor, but in a case like this, it really doesn't. Most of the Christian counselors feel the same way about porn.

Where do you live? Maybe someone knows a Christian counselor in your area.

[joyful 39]

I live in tween Memphis & Germantown I probably would never get him to go to a councelor about it. I could get counceling, but that would only be helping half the problem. lol

Maybe if I could find some material on dvd or tape that will help him to understand what porn does in a marriage, I would play it.

[Sis]

Well, first, you can't control another person, so don't even try. You'll just frustrate yourself trying. Get your half of the problem helped. You need to know what to do in certain situations, or if any decisions have to be made with a clear head. They can help you understand the reason people get hooked on porn.

You're right, it does make the wife feel like she just can't measure up.

[The Purple Fuzzy]

I live near Memphis, Tn.  I probably would never get him to go to a councelor about it. I could get counceling, but that would only be helping half the problem. lol

Maybe if I could find some material on dvd or tape that will help him to understand what porn does in a marriage, I would play it.

Have you checked the Focus on the Family website?  They used to have a lot of resources.
Here is a link.
http://www.family.org/lifechallenges/LoveSex/

~edited to add link~

[joyful 39]

Well, first, you can't control another person, so don't even try. You'll just frustrate yourself trying. Get your half of the problem helped. You need to know what to do in certain situations, or if any decisions have to be made with a clear head. They can help you understand the reason people get hooked on porn.

You're right, it does make the wife feel like she just can't measure up.

I definately know the feeling of not be able to measure up.  Every chance he gets he is on the computer looking at sites and he also just bought magazines to keep in his car. Even at home, it's  cutting into time that we could be having together.

I dont feel wanted or loved anymore and its all because i feel he prefers the women in those videos. Also, this is sorta the BEGINNING of our relationship. I know im not an ugly person,.. but why choose porn when you have a the real thing? I wish I could feel better about myself? Sometime I feel like I want to just leave.

oh and people always say to 'try and spice it up' ..believe me.. it doesnt work. Most things I have read try to excuse the behavior and say that it is normal.  It is not normal.

Sometimes I just want to walk up to the devel and snatch my husband back, and punch 'Satan' right in the nose.

I have not check on focus on the family. I will look into that.
Thanks very much for the link, Practical.

[Mrs. Yosemite]

Bless your heart. I just want to hug your neck. I can hear the desperation in your words that you are just about to the end of your rope. I know it's hard to get help with that kind of stuff. Those kinds of spirits only come out by fasting.

No one else can really grasp just how much it hurts and how much mental abuse and damage to your self worth porn addiction is. To all you single girls out there that might be reading this, just try the best you can to make sure your potential husband does not have this problem!!

Sometimes I wish I could have the knowledge and the wisdom to be a speaker for other women on this subject. Though I dont have all the answers either,  I have been there.  My ex was so into that mess that he actually started cheating. And it's so hard to get past that when you re-marry. It stays in the back of your mind. That big what-if, sinking feeling when you see them checking out another woman.

Here is a also another link I found that might be some more reading for you. All we can do here is just pray for you and love you thru this. Unless others have walked in your shoes, they can not really know what it is like.




My Husband was Addicted to Porn
Could our marriage survive his compulsion?
Author Debbie Pierson
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2001/mayjun/11.74.html?start=1

[joyful 39]

I know this sounded like a husband bashing thread, which it was not meant to be.  I really really try to be a good wife. I try hard. I know I may not be the prettiest thing he wants to wake up next to, but I can't even try compete with what triggers his fantasy. 

When youre trying to stay in church and not 'look' like those girls, it's really hard being on the OUTSIDE of your husbands heart looking INSIDE. I want to be pleasing to the eye of my husband, but I want to be pleasing in the site of God more. It really is a strong hold that is constantly pulling you down spiritually and mentally. There's no Unity in a marriage like that.

Thanks for the hug. It really helps alot to know that somebody else understands. It's hard to talk to other women in your church when you dont really want them to know all of your business. Next thing you know, some big mouth tells your husband all about what you've said. lol

On this thread, it isnt so close to home and I can express myself and get it off my chest better. 

I am so grateful for all of you sweet ladies that have replied to my post. God bless you all.

Thanks,
Daisy

[Cody P]

Porn is a very hard and sick disease to get rid of . I know because I was addicted to it serveal months back. However God has helped me to overcome it. THANK YOU JESUS ! , but anyways is the porn he is looking at online? because there are serveral good programs to help overcome this.

[Chseeads]

While him looking at porn is wrong on many different levels - just a wrong thing to feed oneself on in general, and wrong in your relationship because of how his actions make you feel, there is a difference between the male and female mind/response to these things.

This is in NO WAY an excuse for his behavior, just making a statement from a male perspective to give the reminder that there is a different thinking in the male vs. female mind. 

You feel very emotionally violated and things because of his behavior, to him, he may not be thinking that way about it.  I can't speak for him, but it may have nothing to do with him thinking that you aren't pretty enough etc. yourself.  Try not to beat yourself up for not measuring up or being good enough. 

I don't know if that makes much sense or not, but mainly my point was to remind you not to think that you are some failure in some way because he does this. 

Obviously the case is too hard to unravel all at once and just online like this, and truly counselling would be great for you both as has been mentioned... 

[joyful 39]

you are right. It is very hard to understand the male's thinking. All I know is that I knew he had the problem before I got in church, but it didn't upset me as much when I was out of church, because I could fix myself up to look like what he was looking at in the magazines and online.

Since I got the Holy Ghost, as everyone knows, my outer looks have changed dramatically also. It seems that his porn addiction now has gotten worse. And now, in order to stay on the Lord's side, I am constantly having to rise above  the  temptations to go ahead and 'smut' up like those porn chicks he loves to look at, just to get his attention.  To be honest, I dont feel attractive to him at all since I have shed off the world.

I can be in bed laying there wondering why cant he come on to bed when he's up till 2 and 3 a.m. looking at porn.  Sometimes I feel tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine like finding something I'd rather be doing than hanging around for him. But then that wouldnt be fixing the problem only making it worse and driving a bigger wedge.

I wish I could suggest that he go with me get some counceling for this, but he seems to get on the defensive and start in on how I am judging him, and he gets mad.  So its a hopeless case it seems. Theres really nothing much I can do, if he doesnt WANT to get help.

I also dont think it's Gods will for me to be hurting either. I have held all this anger, and resentment in for so long until I am acting like a volcano I know. I pray about it, but seems like my prayers are not effecting it much. lol

Sometimes I feel like a broken glass that is still trying to sparkle. haha  Sorry for unloading on all you nice people. lol

[Cody P]

Your correct doing something just to get back at him , would just make the problem worse. If he dont want to go to counsleing then when he isnt home go through your house with cooking oil and annoite the door ways in your house and annoite the computer as well and just pray and ask God to make all sin in your house to go away and make your house a godly household and keep believing it and praying for it. Another thing you should really do is to keep him in your prayers and continue asking God to deliver him from this addiction. There are several free programs you can get off of the internet and download them to your computer when he isnt around it and it will block the unwanted content online. That may help with the internet porn part. If you want to know the names of them programs feel free to email me on here and I would be more than happy to share them with you.

[titushome]

Dear joyful 39,

I'm writing to you from the perspective of a married Christian man who was addicted to porn.

Firstly, I grieve for you, because of the burden your husband is putting on you.  Looking at porn IS cheating - no matter how he or our culture tries to tell us it isn't.  My wife and I will be praying that your husband will give his life to the Lord, and that both of you will be delivered from the bondage of his addiction.  I may ask my wife to post in this thread as well, using my account.  I'm sure she can offer you some encouragement.

Secondly, I'd like to try to address a few of the things you wrote, to help you better understand your husband's addiction.  Please remember as you read my comments that I am in NO way trying to normalize or justify your husband's actions; they are both perverted and wrong.  I am only attempting to give you a window into your husband's mind, and - I hope - relieve some of the confusion you feel.  His reasons for looking at porn have nothing to do with you.  Trust me.

Thirdly, I'd like to refer you to three authors: Steve Gallagher, Clay Crosse and Jack Hayford.  Gallagher has written several books about sexual addictions, and out of all the material I've read his books have by far helped me the most.  He really gets at the root of sexual addiction - what causes it, and how to overcome it.  Clay Crosse (the Christian singer) wrote his book with his wife, and they tell the story of his addiction to porn: how it developed, how he hid it, and how he finally overcame it.  Hayford book The Anatomy of Seduction is also excellent.  I hope these resources will give you some further insight, and help you to not blame yourself, and to know better how to pray for your husband.

It really makes me angry and mad and hurt. I can't understand why he needs it. When I see him looking at pictures of naked women and such, I feel that he does not find me disireable at all. I feel degraded and it shakes my trust in him, because to me its the same as cheating....

I just do not understand why he needs porn.  I already have what I need, why doesn't he?...

But I feel that he is still needing something that I can not give him....

The curious thing about addiction is that the addicted person always needs MORE.

When someone is addicted to gambling, they're always playing one more hand, scratching just one more lotto ticket, because they know that it could be the next one where they win big-time.  In the case of pornography, the man looks and looks and looks some more, because his body is telling him that his sexual desires will be satiated - but they never are, not quite.  He feels as if he will be satisfied, so he plunges ahead, but on the other side he finds himself desiring still more.

Your husband looks at pornography because indulgence never satisfies.  Only when he submits himself to God's plan, and learns to be content with sex as God designed it to be, will he find true sexual satisfaction and fulfillment.

The problem isn't that you're not good enough - you are good enough.  The problem is that your husband is blind to this truth, because he's focused on indulging his sexual appetite instead of learning to live within God's design for sexuality.

But I need your prayers, and I need some strength to keep fighting through this. For just once I wish I could be the girl he's fantasizing over instead of something he sees in the magazines. But I will never look like that, and it causes me to have extreme jealousy problems that I otherwise would never have had.

There is such a thing as healthy jealousy, you know.  The Lord is jealous over His people - it hurts Him deeply and angers Him when His people go whoring after other gods, and the things of this world.

There is nothing wrong - and everything natural - about feeling jealous because your husband is looking at other women.  The important thing for you to ask yourself is: How will I handle my jealousy?  If your reaction is to lash out at him, treat him poorly, try to make him jealous, etc. - these things are not good.  But to communicate to him clearly, directly and regularly that his actions are wrong, and hurting his marriage, and wounding his wife; to pray for him; to cry, especially to God - these, among other things you could do, are healthy ways of responding.

It takes a very VERY strong loving woman to put up with this sickness. What have I done to deserve this?

You have done NOTHING to deserve this.  It is NOT your fault.  And you're right - it does take a very strong and very loving woman to stick with a husband that behaves in such a way.  I pray that God will give you the strength and love to be that woman.

The most perverse thing of all about porn is that while the man sins, it's the woman who bears the brunt of the consequences.  It's not fair.  It's not right.  Yet it is what it is.  I can't help but shake, and sometimes weep, when I think about what my wife has borne for my sake, because of my choices.

It reminds me of how the most innocent person of all - Jesus Christ - bore every wicked, selfish thing I've ever done, and took upon Himself the consequences of my actions.  That's what it means when I ask someone to forgive me, you know: it means that although I did the deed, I'm asking them to accept the consequences.

My wife is the most Christ-like person I know.

Thanks for the advice. Its very hard to find councelors or at least I havent found any councelors with an apostolic prosective on porn. My pastor doesnt like to preach on stuff like that it seems. The last time I brought a very sensitive matter up to my pastor, I felt that my secret was out in the open before the whole congregation. And that stopped me from taking highly personal matters to anyone close to me.

Let me ask you this: did you have good reason to feel that your secret was out in the open?  Did your pastor share your situation with people he should not have shared it with?  Because if he has kept your confidence, yet you still feel this way, I believe it is an attack of the enemy.  Some of Satan's greatest tools are secrecy and silence.  He doesn't want us to share our problems; he doesn't want us to bear one another's burdens; he doesn't want us to bond together as the Body of Christ.  Because then his ability to influence our lives will be far weaker.  No, he wants to isolate us, so he can keep us under his thumb.

If, upon further examination, you believe your pastor is still trustworthy, go back to him; seek his help.  If your pastor has proven himself untrustworthy, find someone else.  You need support from your brothers and sisters in the Body.  You have a very heavy burden to bear.

Father in Heaven, please grant Joyful's husband, and Joyful along with him, deliverance from this pornography addiction.  Please turn her husband's heart away from these sinful things, and toward You.  Please make him sick of porn - sick enough to admit his problem, sick enough to seek help.  Most of all, draw him to You.  In the meantime, please give Joyful the strength she needs to bear this load.  You said, "Come unto Me, all you that are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest;" help her to find rest, and strength, and joy, in You.  Help her to find brothers and sisters who can help her carry this load.  Help her to make the right choices for herself, her husband and their marriage, despite his wrong choices.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

God bless you, sister.  Keep us posted.

Don

[joyful 39]

UPC Guy, Chseeads, and Titushome,

I was a little hesitant to even bring this subject up in God Place. I figured people would start thinking that I was a depressing person.  I sure hope I didn't bring anybody down.

Reading a mans prospective on this subject has really helped some too. I very much appreciate your input, and thank you for your prayers. Alot of things you all have said has lifted my spirits about this whole ordeal.  Thanks

One guy on here even emailed me and told me to write all those sins on the bottom of my shoe and put it under my feet. lol It does seem like a crazy thing to do, but I am surprised how much stronger it makes me feel to just walk and stomp all over it.  It does sound stupid, but it is a great idea and it does help.  It's amazing how crazy things can help crazy people. haha

Some strength is exactly what I have been needing.  I just wish I knew how to persuade my hubb to help me  instead of getting all mad and defensive. Lately I have been afraid to even bring it up to him for trying to avoid a big argument.

[Cody P]

Were all just glad we could help a fellow sister in Christ !.

[Sis]

Great thoughts, Titus!

Just remember when the devil makes you believe that your husband is in this bondage because you aren't good enough, If he was with one of those porn queens he still wouldn't be satisfied. So don't lower yourself to that level because it will compromise you and won't do anything for the situation.

He's stuck in a sin. You can't change him. He has to want to change not only for you but for himself. Anyone who has come out of an entanglement like this has to do it on his own. You can stick books under his nose but he has to want to read them, or take the words to heart.

We women want to do everything for the ones we love but there are times that we have to step back, pray a LOT and realize we just can't do it. He has to.

Love the idea of anointing each room and doorway and praying that God take the spirit from your home. You may have to do it more than once.

One time, we let someone have a key to our house so they could check things when we were away, and bring in the mail. He rented porn videos and watched them at our house. When we got back, there was this awful spirit there. We could feel it. Suddenly we were thinking about nasty sexual thoughts. I'll leave it at that.

We prayed in each room for two nights and it was gone.

Another instance, a friend of ours had a husband who wasn't saved. He liked his booze too much to give it up to live for God. She anointed her home a few times. One day, she saw her husband dumping the liquor down the drain. She asked him what he was doing. He said he was cleaning out the drains. LOL  He got the Holy Ghost the next service.

Again, anointing may take more than once, and it might not work out right away because it depends on your husband's willingness to cooperate, but there IS hope. God's time isn't the same as ours, so what seems like forever to us, may seem like a minute to God.

We'll keep praying for you and God bless.

[Mrs. Yosemite]

Wow, there is so much good info and advice here in this thread. I know you are afraid. We are all human and probably like me, you're not superwoman. It's hard to trust your husband when you see him doing stuff like that. It plants a jealous suspecting seed in a woman who is not the jealous type. I know how it makes you feel like you dont really know this person at all.

I remember one time when my ex husband had a calender of naked chics on the wall in his closet, which I thought was being very disrespectful to me cause I had to look at it every time I went to hang up his clothes.

I went in there one day and just for fun, I cut pictures of my face out and taped them on the bodies in his closet.  Oh you talking about Flaming mad! He was so mad he was cursing and calling me every name in the book. He kepts screaming how I had RUINED his calender. (which was a major no no for him!)

That really hurt me cause I guess I placed myself in a position to get hurt. But because of that hurt, I got so angry that I got sissors and I cut that calender and every magazine he had into jibblets and piled them on the dining room table and told him to eat it.  And I was so mad that I was ready to cram it all down his throat. (I wasnt in church at the time). Here is where I know exactly what you are talking about when you mentioned bottling it all up until you become an exploding volcano.

I was so angry that I could have easily choked him to death and not batted an eye. And by now, you know how it is when you have had  E_N_O_U_G_H.  But I wasnt going to be treated like that anymore.  That stuff will provoke you until a jealousy and anger demon takes you over also.   It was even worse for me cause I didnt have the Holy Ghost to help me. 

Well. I never saw his porn after that happened, but I knew that he secretly slipped around, even had a girlfriend for about 6 months before I even knew anything about it. The only thing I knew to do was kick that devil to the curb.  (satan will find a way to destroy your marriage.)

So trying to fight the devil by yourself, you are no match. It is a principality of the air and only God can send it back to hell.  Annointing your home is a great idea. Just do it before the devil tempts him into something more than porn. One sin leads to another. And satan will do it just to intimidate you. You have the spiritual authority over your home if you are serving God and he isnt.

When you have the Holy Ghost, you have a Power over this situation that other women wish they could have. In some cases, you can expect things to get worse (alot worse) before it gets better. Just hang on and dont be shaken.

And what ever you do dont accuse him and throw other women up to him whenever your trust in him feels threatened.  (He may not be guilty and it may not even be his fault.)  The  devil will 'plant' things in your head that arent really happening and make you believe it. So you have to watch out for that junk.

I know porn will make you want to do that, but you have to keep that old thing trampled down.  When you are fighting spirits left and right, they dont like that oil annointing and prayer.  Don't stop praying even when you think it's gone.

[Cody P]

Thats some good advice also ! , Just remember that no matter how hard headed he gets to just keep praying and asking God to deal with his heart , and he will eventually overcome this addiction in Gods time not ours but Gods. Just keep your head up high.

[joyful 39]

I got it blocked now. Mz Yo says that this is not going to be pleasant, Like trying to take away someones drugs or alcohol who doesnt want tough love.  She did warn me to get ready for WWIII, but she told me how to block it from my computer. 

[Cody P]

Good ! Were glad you have it blocked !

[ChristopherHall]

The most important thing you can do for your husband is to forgive him and pray for him.  Only God can set him free by convicting his heart and delivering him.  Love is a choice.  Choose to love your husband through this. 

I'll give you some male insight on this.  Sometimes women don't understand what's going on in our heads.  Forgive me ladies if I say something that you strongly disagree with.  I'm just presenting what I've learned personally being a man. 

Men and women think differently, especially when it comes to sex.  You see men separate their emotions and elements of their lives more easily than women.  Women are more integrated emotionally.  A man can sincerely "love" his wife but have an emotional dependency on another woman or images. 

The "lust" Jesus is talking about is when a man looks upon a woman and determines in his heart that he is going to actually pursue her.  The moment he has done this he has looked upon a woman, "to lust after her" and has essentially already committed the adultery in his heart because he's already determine to pursue.  If a man looks at other women, or immoral videos or images, with the desire to actually pursue other women he has an adulterous heart which Jesus warned about.  If this is the case the answer is repentance and recommitment to his marriage vows. 

But, it's not always "lust" when a man looks at adult material.  Sometimes a man can feel out of control, not masculine enough, out of shape, unsatisfied with his life and who he is, like he's not a successful husband or father, he might be a timid lover, or feel like his entire life is a waste.  When a man feels this way he can easily begin using adult movies and videos to slip into a fantasy world.  In that world he's in control, masculine, strong, daring, takes initiative in love making, he's the successful "man" he's always wanted to be, rich, he's important and desired.  Fantasies are easy, they don't require communication and they don't require making one's self vulnerable.  They don't take effort.  He feels like a "man".  And as easily as they are made they can be quickly ended when he feels satisfied and he returns to the real world.  It can become an emotional escape for men who are hurting, insecure, or feeling out of control.  This can create a vicious cycle.  Because the more he does this the worse he feels about himself.  The worse he feels about himself the more he feels the need to return to the fantasy world.  If this is the case the answer is repentance and healing of those emotional issues that is causing him to feel like he needs this fantasy world. 

Of course there are situations in which a man can feel like his needs aren't being met, for example... if his wife is morbidly obese or has long term serious health problems.  In those situations there might be moments when a man might feel tempted to fulfill his unmet needs using immoral material.  If this is the case the answer is repentance and self discipline. 

Mistakes women make....

A lot of women overreact and automatically assume its lust because that's all Jesus directly addressed in this area.  They fear that if he's looking at something other than her he must want it.  Not always.  Sometimes he doesn't really want what he's looking at...he wants how it makes him feel.  You see, if it helps him feel "in control", powerful, or desired he'll look at it.  Men are very visual creatures and images deeply impact our psyche.  Some men feel this way about that big red pickup truck in the drive way.  They like how it makes them feel about themselves, "...'cause every woman's crazy about a pickup man."   

Women also project in these situations.  Women will assume that if a man looks at this stuff he doesn't love them anymore.  How's that projecting?  From my experience, women are very emotional beings.  Women don't separate the love from sex as easily as men.  For a man the act can be functionally satisfying, as unemotional as eating.  He can do immoral things or pursue immoral encounters but still "love" his wife.  Not so with women in most cases.  If a woman were to feel the need to look at something other than her husband or pursue someone other than her husband she would have to have experienced some serious emotional detachment from her husband, she will have had to have lost her love for her husband.  So when a man takes part in this stuff the first thing a woman will do is fear that he doesn't love her anymore...because for her to do such a thing, it would require that she not love him like she does anymore.  He most likely still loves you with all his heart. 

Some things to consider would be....

-Forgive him and pray for him.  These are the two most important things you can do.

-Don't overreact.  He most likely still loves you as much as he ever did.  There's nothing wrong with you. 

-Don't take it personally by focusing on your pain over the issue.  Remember this phrase, "hurting people hurt people".  Yes, his behavior hurts you...but odds are he's doing this because he's hurting somewhere in his life.  This isn't about you, you don't have the addiction.  It's about him.  You have to minister to him. 

-Make sure you're meeting his needs as his wife (both emotional and physical).  If there are things you have to change about you (weight, grooming, appearance, etc.), make the changes.  This is your marriage.  If you let yourself go in areas of weight, appearance, and attitude it sends a subconscious impression to him that you don't care about his needs or the relationship the two of you share. 

-Talk to him about this.  Don't "set him straight".  Odds are he knows that you know about this and most men know how women feel about this.  Talk to him about it.  It's not radioactive.  Without getting into a shouting match let him know that you need to know that he still loves you.  Let him know that you love him and think the world of him.  If you can identify those things that are driving him into this fantasy world, combat that devil by praying and re-assuring your husband that you still think the world of him and that you know this is something the two of you can work through together. 

-Don't "mother" him.  He's not your child, he's still your husband.  If you try to take this away from him or try to modify his behavior uninvitedly it could build resentment and resistance and build extra walls to tear down.  Often uninvited bounderies discipline children...when it comes to adults it builds deep resentment.  This could actually drive him deeper into feeling the need for this and less satisfied with your relationship.  Think of it like this...while I know that he's acting like a child, if you treat him like a child it will only serve to help perpetuate his behavior. 

-Don't make him feel like he's "disappointed" you (though most likely he has, that's why forgiving him is imperative).  If you make him feel like he's failed or disappointed you, this sense of failure could drive him away from you and deeper into this.  You need to draw him closer to you than ever before to win his attention and reassure and affirm that to you he's always been, and always will be, the man you love and respect. 

-Get ready for the long haul.  This could be a long season of your lives.  Be a Christian wife.  Love him unconditionally; pray for him, look up to his better qualities.  Be kind, gentle, understanding, patient, and forgiving.  Accept him for who he is flaws and all.  Realize that you can't change him.  The more you try to change him the more you'll frustrate yourself and your relationship.  Only Jesus can change him.  Your loving disposition and grace will convict him.  You'll feel like he's taking your grace for granted...but this will be something that will eventually cut through the heart of stone he's developed like steadily dripping water. 

-Be aware, if your husband is a Christian and you go to your pastor about this he will feel exposed and betrayed.  This could cause him such shame he could end up leaving church and fall deeper into sin.  If you need counsel you might want to try a third party like a Christian counselor.  If you absolutely need to talk to your pastor you can just ask your pastor to dedicate special prayer for your husband or ask that the pastor to encourage and approach your husband because he's struggling with some "personal things".  This allows the pastor to know he's struggling but it allows your husband to open up about specifics if the pastor approaches him.  If you feel the need to air it all to the pastor your husband will react in shock and anger.  Be ready for that.  Don't be surprised.  Also when speaking to the pastor don't demonize your husband, express your concern for him and how much you don't want this to be something that will cause a rift between your husband and the ministry. 

-Again...forgiveness and prayer are the most important things you can do for your husband if he's struggling in this area.

-Oh don't let me forget...I can't emphasize this enough....forgiveness and prayer is the most important thing you can do for your husband if he's struggling with this stuff.

-If your husband finds an "accountability partner" that's good.  BUT in your home always emphasize accountability to the Lord.  You see, sometimes accountability partners work very well...but when that partnership is gone or when one partner is away for an extended time those are moments when backsliding can occur.  If one builds up accountability to the Lord accountability is in the proper place. 

-Did I mention forgiveness and prayer? 

-I loved the advice about anointing your home with oil.  That is VERY powerful.  Do it.  You'll be amazed.

I know some here might disagree with some of my thoughts on this.  If I'm wrong, hey, pray for me.  I just wanted to share some insights and some of the thoughts I had while reading about this.

God bless and keep y'all.

[kat]

I could not disagree with you more on several things in your post.  You have effectively placed the burden on the woman in this situation.  The burden is on the man and should remain there.  It is his work to do in getting right with God and his loved ones.  It is not the wife's responsibility to soften the impact this has had on her.  I believe that she should address it head on.  To accommodate his childish fears by trying to identify the things that are "driving him" into his fantasy world at her own expense is dysfunctional. 

The boundaries a wife sets are not about "mothering" him, they are about taking care of herself.  The best thing a wife can do for her husband is to take care of herself, not for his sake, but for her own.

Respect is earned and I don't know any women who can "think the world" of their husbands while they are actively participating in such a vile world such as the world of porn. 

She absolutely must let him know that he has more than "disappointed" her.  He needs to understand that (in most cases) his actions have devastated her.  For her to * Wash my mouth out with soap * that up and absorb it will result in her physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual illness.

To imply that being honest about this will drive him deeper into it is to place the responsibility on the wife.  It is NOT her responsibility.  To draw close to a person who is involved in porn is dangerous.  It is irresponsible to suggest that a woman "should" do this when it puts her physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological well-being at risk. 

It is not her job to "win his attention" and give him unearned respect.  It is his job to behave in a manner that would gain her respect.  It is his job to cherish and adore her.
Looking to his better qualities and looking beyond this will result in denial which will put her in harms way.  Forgiveness out of context of serious repentence is completely dysfunctional. 

No definition of "love" includes the use of porn or women as fantasy material.  Even a small child understands this.  None of us looked forward to a man who would "love" us to include his use of other women for fantasy fodder, and involvement in vile, debase human sexuality.  The two do not co-exist no matter how you want to frame it up.  Men need to stop twisting the definition of "love" to suit their own purposes.

[titushome]

Kat makes many excellent points.