trouble too early in marriage LOL

[Nelle]

*cough* I hear an echo..

[mini]

[titushome]

I agree wholeheartedly with this.  The only thing I might add is this:  Be careful about taking your problems with your spouse to your parents, or even his parents.  This will drive a wedge between your spouse and your parents and you.

That's why I wrote "impartial... third party" (emphasis added). 

*cough* I hear an echo..

Is this even being read by anyone who needs it?  *shrug*

[mini]

Gotcha!

[Tsalagi]

Well, I could give you a heap of advice about being married, but since I am divorced, I don't know how good my advice really is.  I CAN tell you that 9 times out of 10, staying married is better than divorce.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/

This lady has a LOT of good, solid advice.  I wish I'd found her books before things got bad.  Hang in there.

[Nelle]

I agree wholeheartedly with this.  The only thing I might add is this:  Be careful about taking your problems with your spouse to your parents, or even his parents.  This will drive a wedge between your spouse and your parents and you.

That's why I wrote "impartial... third party" (emphasis added). 

*cough* I hear an echo..

Is this even being read by anyone who needs it?  *shrug*

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know we couldn't make any off-topic comments anymore. :/

I said "I hear an echo" because I made a similar (if not the same) comment about parents in one of my few posts in this thread.

[Charlene]

Unless she's visiting without logging on..she hasn't been active since June....

[titushome]

I said "I hear an echo" because I made a similar (if not the same) comment about parents in one of my few posts in this thread.

Gotcha!

[kkay]

i also understand that its not my fault if his not romantic, but he makes NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER to be so. i mean, no flowers, no b-day card (unless ive asked about it), no kiss out of no where, no "you look nice today", or "i love you so much", etc etc etc etc. nothing of the sort.

Let me guess: 1) your father did this for your mother 2) you have your head full of romance books, movies, etc.

If it is #1, you should have married your father.  If it is #2, keep on reading the books.  Hes not gonna act like daddy or some story book hero.  Pry your eyes open and see what he does for you.

So..that means that he shouldn't have bought her a birthday card or present on that day? I'd be upset if my boyfriend/husband didn't at least get me a card.

Wow..guess I have a good catch in my boyfriend.

[mini]

I didn't say that a guy shouldn't buy a gift.  What I was saying is that sometimes we go into a relationship expecting the significant other to be like our parents.  If we saw our dad always buying gifts for our mother, we may expect the same in our relationship.  In reality our spouse may not have been raised that way.  We have to realize that our spouse usually comes from a totally different background and therefore not meet our preconceived expectations.  At the same time, we may not meet their preconceived expectations either.  The book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman explains this as "love languages:"

Chapman's Five Emotional Love Languages:

    * Words of Affirmation
      This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.

    * Quality Time
      Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

    * Gifts
      It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

    * Acts of Service
      Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

    * Physical Touch
      Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.

Determining Your Own Love Language
Since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

    * How do I express love to others?
    * What do I complain about the most?
    * What do I request most often?

Speaking in your spouse's love language probably won't be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, "We're not talking comfort. We're talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren't connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn't enough."

Emotional Experiences
The number one emotional experience reported by folks is feeling the presence of God in their lives. The emotional high of being in love (which generally lasts around 2 years) is the second highest emotional experience that people reportedly have.

That is why it can be so difficult to try and talk some sense into someone who is in the midst of falling in love. Chapman stated that obsessive love can render people mentally incompetent. "There's not much difference between being in love and being insane."   

Fading Tingle and Empty Love Tanks
After the first or second year of marriage, when the initial "tingle" is starting to fade, many couples find that their "love tanks" are empty. They may have been expressing love for their spouse, but in reality they were speaking a different love language. The best way to fill your spouse's love tank is to express love in their love language. Each of us has a primary love language. Usually, couples don't have the same love language.

Tank Check
Dr. Chapman recommends that you have a "Tank Check" 3 nights a week for 3 weeks. Ask one another "How is your love tank tonight?" If, on a scale from zero to ten, it is less than 10, then ask "What can I do to help fill it?" Then do it to the best of your ability.

Unfortunately, I think the "love tank" can go both ways.  We can look at our past family life and apply it to our current relationship.  Were your parents loving?  Still married after 40 years?  What if they divorced?  What if your parents fought, one cheated on the other, etc?  Do we take that trust or mistrust we have of our parents and bring it to our current relationship?  If we are not careful, we can expect so much (or so little) that we will have such a unrealistic balance on our love tank before we ever start a relationship, that makes it nearly impossible to find stable ground to stand on. 

i also understand that its not my fault if his not romantic, but he makes NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER to be so. i mean, no flowers, no b-day card (unless ive asked about it), no kiss out of no where, no "you look nice today", or "i love you so much", etc etc etc etc. nothing of the sort.

Let me guess: 1) your father did this for your mother 2) you have your head full of romance books, movies, etc.

If it is #1, you should have married your father.  If it is #2, keep on reading the books.  Hes not gonna act like daddy or some story book hero.  Pry your eyes open and see what he does for you.

This was the reason for my untactful approach (for which I still feel remorseful) to the original post.  He was probably speaking a different love language to her, and she was looking for responses in her own love language.  At the same time she was looking for her love language, she may have missed the love language he was speaking in.  The miscommunication of the love languages were probably driving them further and further apart.

Hope this helps explain.
-mini

[myhaloisintheshop]

very good post Minnie

[kkay]

I didn't say that a guy shouldn't buy a gift.  What I was saying is that sometimes we go into a relationship expecting the significant other to be like our parents.  If we saw our dad always buying gifts for our mother, we may expect the same in our relationship.  In reality our spouse may not have been raised that way.  We have to realize that our spouse usually comes from a totally different background and therefore not meet our preconceived expectations.

I realize now what you meant. We shouldn't expect gifts so that when we do get them it's a little more special.

I used to be the kind of person who thought I had to always get the guy something for him to like me, but now I realize that if he likes me he won't need gifts. (Sounds like I should be a guy, huh? lol)

At any rate, I agree with what everyone on here has said. I, too, hope that she and her husband have been able to work through their differences.

[Sis]

But it's really hard to not expect gifts when the world around you gets them for certain holidays/birthdays, etc. It's expected in this society, and a guy should know it would be expected.

[angelofthe_lordz]

 

[Sis]

Having a birthday?

[kkay]

But it's really hard to not expect gifts when the world around you gets them for certain holidays/birthdays, etc. It's expected in this society, and a guy should know it would be expected.

This is true. That's why I'm a little anxious about Valentine's Day this year..Taurean said he doesn't "believe" in it because you should always be that nice and considerate. Shouldn't need a "special day" to show how much you care.

[Sister_Mom]

But it's really hard to not expect gifts when the world around you gets them for certain holidays/birthdays, etc. It's expected in this society, and a guy should know it would be expected.

This is true. That's why I'm a little anxious about Valentine's Day this year..Taurean said he doesn't "believe" in it because you should always be that nice and considerate. Shouldn't need a "special day" to show how much you care.

I don't believe that society should rule what we expect in any of our relationships, whether it be from our brothers and sisters in Christ or marital relationships. I agree with Taurean that Valentine's Day tends to take away responsibility to show each other love every day of the year, it also tends to set expectations and encourages a competitive spirit, especially in the workplace. In the office, women tend to flaunt what they get for Valentine's Day and it is natural to compare what each other receives yet it is rarely reflective of the true nature of the relationship. Every day is a good day to show love, respect, and honor the one you love and if that's the way a relationship is handled, Valentine's Day can be just another ordinary day.

[kkay]

That's exactly how Taurean sees it. We're not getting each other anything for Valentine's Day because every time we're together is like Valentine's Day anyway.

[Sis]

True, but in this society, men give their wives birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, valentine candy or flowers. Most women know it and expect it.

And any guy worth his salt, would give HER what SHE would like and put his own "beliefs" about the holiday (Which usually is a symptom of being cheap) aside and make the other person feel good.

Even though Stevebert does things like that for me all year long, not just one day, he doesn't ban the one day and ignore me, either.

I don't buy Stevebert what I like. I do what he would like because I love him. I get him things when he's not expecting them, and when a holiday comes around where gifts are generally given by the population, he gets something, and he does the same for me. In a relationship where you're a couple, whether going out or married, you gain the most satisfaction by pleasing the one you love.

[Sister_Mom]

That's exactly how Taurean sees it. We're not getting each other anything for Valentine's Day because every time we're together is like Valentine's Day anyway.

Same here. 

[kkay]

Taurean and I aren't getting each other "special" gifts on Valentine's Day because we already give each other gifts whenever we see each other. He'll surprise me with flowers, teddy bears, etc. at any given moment and I cook, clean, buy him "manly" gifts all the time as well. Odds are, we'll still get each other something but it won't just be because it's Valentine's Day.

[Melody]

Call me weird but it almost means more that we don't go all out for these holidays but on some odd, insignificant day, BAM, something totally thoughtful.  Just the fact that the world has so much hype about it makes it less appealing to me to participate.  I would hope that if any born again Christian woman really expects all that drama on holidays that she sees how much she's bought into the "system"  hahahahahaha

[Sis]

See, there's a difference when BOTH people agree on something. Whether it's because of expenses, religious preferences, or diets. LOL

If both agree to do or not to do something it's one thing, but if one really looks forward to something and the other doesn't want do to it and they don't care about their honey's feelings is something else. I just know a bunch of cheap guys who SAY they don't believe in it when they're really too cheap or too lazy to go out and get their wives/GF gifts for holidays or birthdays.

Candy isn't on my diet, and I'm allergic to most flowers. We're going out someplace fancy when we're in Texas at the end of the month.

[Tsalagi]

I like to give gifts for no reason, too.  I absolutely HATE Valentine's Day and refuse to participate.  The day after, the day before, some random day, fine.

Valentine's day?  No way in blue blazes.  First, it is an external influence that has absolutely nothing to do with the two of us (whoever she might wind up being) and is therefore an intrusion.  I mean, it's a PUBLIC "sell-a-bration" of something essentially private.  Second - I have never had a Valentine's day that I enjoyed.  Valentine's day stinks and should be abolished.  It has no function and serves no purpose.



 

[Sis]

But...... but....... but...... but chocolate holidays are important!