Trust

[kkay]

If you're like me, you've been hurt plenty of times, right? So..how do you let everything go and put all your trust in someone enough to have a relationship with them? Bleh. I've been having problems with this and my boyfriend is really upset. He's never done anything to make me believe he isn't trustworthy, so why am I having this problem?

Signed,
Confused in Cambodia

[newkris]

dear confused,

have you ever burned your hand in a fire?  the next time you're close to a fire, you have a natural recall that makes you pull your hand away.  the next time, you might get a little closer because you realize if you're careful, you might not get burned again.  the next time, you realize that you have control over the fire and it's not the fire's fault that you got burned, but the fact that you did not control the way the fire was handled.

same with your heart.

it takes time.  each time you get closer and deeper in a relationship you will be faced with the "fire factor" until you realize that you have control over the fire, to some degree.  if he's worth the effort, he will understand and have grace enough to work with your fears.  remember that he has fears of his own.  give him grace in return.

you have the rest of your life to work this out.  don't be in a rush.  enjoy the journey.

signed,
somebody's mother

[kkay]

Dear Somebody's Mother,

That was the most perfect response I've ever received to that question. Thank you

Signed,
Not-so Confused in Cambodia

[Sis]

It took a few years for me to totally trust Stevebert. We went out for four, close to five, years before we got married. I had a lot of trouble with trust, but HE understood my background, and HE was patient with me and my feelings, and now HE is reaping the benefits of me trusting him totally.

[kkay]

Hm..maybe I should just explain that to him then? That it's going to take a while before I COMPLETELY trust him and see what he says. I know he's in the same situation with trusting in relationships, so hopefully he'll understand where I'm coming from.

[nicolejoy]

Are you really in Cambodia?? lol

[Ashlee]

ok, this is awesome!  Does anyone mind if, since names are omitted that I use it on myspace to share with other friends who are having major trust issues of their own.  I was just talking to one friend about this the other day.

[kkay]

Are you really in Cambodia?? lol

Ha ha no

ok, this is awesome!  Does anyone mind if, since names are omitted that I use it on myspace to share with other friends who are having major trust issues of their own.  I was just talking to one friend about this the other day.

I don't mind..

[Sister_Mom]

Trust requires you to give up something, to sacrifice. Doubts and fears are based on conditioning, like Kris said, but I recall a story of 3 Hebrew boys being thrown in a fire, but they knew they could trust God. Any time we trust God, we have to give up something of ourselves. Mostly, we have to give up control. When you are in a relationship and you have a problem trusting another person, you tend to be on alert when you see possible signs of a reason to mistrust the other person. Using Kris' analogy of the fire, when you know fire will burn you, then you tend to stay away from fire, or be cautious around fire. Why? Self protection. When we try to protect ourselves from pain, in a sense, we are trying to be in control. We are trying to control the outcome of a situation, mostly by trying to prevent something from happening. We want to be able to take defensive action and often mistrust will cause us to take offensive action, which puts ourselves in a position of having things under control.

Trust often requires giving up not only your dreams and your desire, but also your control. Trust means that you don't look at a situation based on past experiences. In order to truly trust, you have to release the pain from the past and take down your protective shields.

First of all, you must be absolutely sure your relationship has a stamp of approval directly from Jesus and if you are putting Him first, then you would be more willing to give up the relationship if it doesn't have His approval because you would be desiring God's will more than you desire the relationship. If it does have His approval, when you know you are within His will in the relationship you are in, then you can trust that person through trusting God because He wouldn't put two people together who can't be trusted. Put your life, including your relationships in His hands, seek His will and guidance and you will find a person you can trust.

Granted, all this can be very difficult to do. However, the degree you are willing to sacrifice is reflective of the value you place on what you are sacrificing for. If you are willing to sacrifice $1,000 for a piece of gold, then that piece of gold is worth $1,000 to you.  If you are only willing to give a little of your trust in a relationship, then it reflects how much you think the relationship or the other person is worth the risk of you giving up that control.

When you are able to completely to release that control, turn it over to God, be willing to give up the relationship if necessary, be willing to trust God to show you if the person is worthy of that trust or not and accept whatever He may show you, be willing to release your shield of self-protection and self preservation, when you get to the point of being able to give up whatever it takes to give your 100% into a relationship then you will see if it is worth the risk or not. That's why we must trust God and seek His will first, in our relationships.

You will only get out of a relationship what you are able to put into it. If you withhold anything, the relationship will never be what it has potential to be.

I know this because I had my world, my surroundings built exactly the way I wanted them. I was perfectly comfortable with my life the way it was before God brought someone along that would make me reevaluate what was important to me. God moved on me to remove the guard and let the shield down briefly enough to allow me to get a glimpse of what real love between two people can potentially be. Then I had to be willing to permanently remove the guards, shields, and allow the wall to be torn down. Yes, I had a pretty strong fortress built up, but nothing is beyond the power or reach of God when we sacrifice our control and allow Him to work.

The only thing that can stop a move of God is the human will.

[MelodyB]

Awesome post Mom.

[kkay]

Awesome post Mom.

Agreed. I loved reading that!

[Melody]

Until you're married, I would hope that you don't trust someone so much as to give them all of you.  There's no commitment yet.  There's talk of commitment/ marriage, but until it happens, you can't expect the effects of it.  If it takes time to build trust in a marriage, why be disappointed in the lack thereof with a boyfriend?  What is there to trust?  There is no covenant yet.  You are valuable, all of you, so you don't just give your heart to someone who has made promises.  That trust comes when the promises have been done.  To go about trusting a man who has not married you yet, ~to me~ devalues your trust.  By marrying him you are demonstrating your trust in God in him, because he is human, when he marries you, he does the same.  That's why marriage is powerful, it's not just about 2 people, it's 2 people in GOD.  Without God, there's no floor, you're just hanging onto eachother so far.  That's why dating is for only leading to what is REAL and strong.  It in itself is pursuit of hopes and dreams only.

Also, while you may have been hurt before, THIS man was not the fire that burned you.  I loved Newkris's post, very awesome.  You control yourself and keep in mind that it's a completely different person, and you just may find closure. 

[Sis]

You were being content in the state you were in until God's plan worked itself out. We are to be content and you were.

[zizi90]

Wow Sis Mom, good post.