Well, let me say hi to all of those who haven't seen me in forever. A lot has changed and I been away from here for almost two years I believe. I have a situation and I thought why not ask those who are just like me?
What do you guys feel about dating a girl who has a baby?
I ran into a friend of mine the other day, ex-pentecostal, that I haven't seen, nor talked to in about five years. We talked for just about forever and in the end, ended up exchanging phone numbers and now we been talking every day/night since. I can tell this girl likes me, and I'm beginning to like her. I enjoy talking to her and we seem hit it off real well with each other. I've already mentioned the possibility of wanting to date her, and she seemed like she would like that. However, I'm just a bit concerned because she has a 1 year old baby, but to her credit she works and is in college.
I feel she would start going back to church with me, since she knows I still go, but I don't know how people would take it. You all know just how much some church people love to talk. I love kids, I have been helping with Sunday School at my church for the last four years. I've just never been in this situation though before.
Thoughts, comments?
The baby has (or should have) nothing to do with it. And "church people loving to talk" shouldn't have anything to do with it either.
Have you talked to God about it? It's His view you should be concerned with. :)
From where I stand, you should only date her if YOU are ex-pentecostal (as you put it), too....
:beret:
That's between you, her and God. If YOU don't mind having a ready-made family, you just do what you want. Pray about it, though. Stevebert didn't mind marrying my daughter with me. He loved the fact that she was "Housebroken". LOL and he only had two boys and he said God blessed him with the girl he always wanted.
And for the record, NOBODY is just like you, Kyle!
AS has been said by another but i will put it in a different way
There should be no issue as to her having a baby that is only as big as you make it, the fact that you are going to church and she is not would/is a red flag to me. I do NOT believe in the flirt/date to convert that is mot a good place to be because it puts your walk with God in jeopardy and it could cause one if not both of yall to fall out with God.
It is truly all up to yall and God what is decided and done.
WHile I prefer that the lady I would date does not have children, it doesn't totally put her out of the consideration process either. Just for myself, What I have to look at is - is she close enough to what I believe and willing to walk with me in the direction God would have for the path to go. Though another consideration I have to take into aspect is that is the father in the child's life and what restraints does it put on the potential relationship.
Kyle --that is the aspects I have to consider. Hope it might help.
Thanks everyone for the advice, it is very much appreciated.
Her having a kid doesn't bother me at all. I love kids, otherwise I wouldn't be in the Sunday School department! A ready made family doesn't bother me either, it saves on the effort lol!
I have been praying about this. I'm glad she's stated she would come to church with me, since again she use to be Pentecostal, but left for various reasons. The father isn't in the child's life, he left months ago, and she doesn't even care about seeing him again at all.
I'll still be praying about this because nothing is even set in stone and won't be for quite a while. Thanks for the advice everyone!
And Sis, I am just that awesome! One of me is enough for this planet lol!
I am a single Pentecostal lady with a 2 year old son. IT was a one time stupid act of weakness. I love God, I am involved with my church, and I find it offensive for guys to put me "out of the running" so to speak based on what happened in my past.
Dating someone with a child has its own special challenges, but it also has many rewards. There is a plus to dating a single mom. Moms have learned what it truly means to be selfless and put someone else first. And the fact she works and go to college and takes care of her child speaks highly of her sense of responsibility.
I say definitely give her a chance!
I wasn't in church. I had a 7-year-old. I had no trouble getting dates at all. Guys don't really care these days. There may be a few PURITANS out there but most don't care. They actually welcome a little one if they really care for you.
I've only really known one person who was absolutely against dating someone with a child....because he had such a "holier than thou" attitude that the sin bothered him....he only wanted someone 100% totally pure
Well that guy who wanted someone "100% Pure" is going to be hard pressed to find that in this day in age, so best of luck to him wherever he may be.
I'm going to give her a chance. Things have been working out great with everything concerning it. My biggest worry was my parents, but they are very accepting of it so I am going to give it a shot.
Don't get so involved you forget to pray, pray, pray!
I find it a bit scary that not wanting to date someone because they already have a child(ren) is some wrong or bad thing. Not every guy is ready to become a father let alone to one that isn't theirs. They didn't concieve it, they weren't there for the birth, they haven't raised the child whatsoever. There are some guys who are ready and willing to take on such a huge role but if a guy isn't, it's not a bad thing whatsoever. In fact, it'd be better that a guy take it incredibly serious and not move forward than jump in and it not work out, hurting everyone, especially the child if there is ANY bond made.
I think it's a very valid reason for those who are still even just learning about love to not want to involve a child's heart in such a relationship if they're not ready to commit. Kids sometimes latch on very easily which can hurt them in the long run if time after time it doesn't work out between the couple. That's almost impossible to tell when you just begin dating but that doesn't hinder a child's perception being molded by it. Just because the girl is great does not mean it's enough to go on when there are kids involved.
It's not making the mom pay for a mistake from her past, sadly worded. It's an unavoidable effect. And the father may be out now, but you never know 15yrs down the road what could happen. That's a whole lot of stuff that a mature guy will consider before becoming involved with a girl just cause he likes her.
but that isn't an issue with Kyle anyway. I think Ruby and other's that concurred are the best advice. We are not to be unequally yoked. And backslidden with worker in the church may be an edifying friendship for the backslidden, but dating? That is more dangerous than anything. Which relationship is worth more, God's or a potential romance? God said to not be unequally yoked, if that doesn't settle with you, maybe you're not as strong in the church as you think. And if that is even a possibility, dating a backslider IS dangerous.
QuoteMoms have learned what it truly means to be selfless and put someone else first.
Not all moms. I know some, single and otherwise, who still haven't learned that lesson.
For the record, I agree with MY. There are a lot of factors to consider when dating, and one party having children shouldn't be discarded as a factor. What people say doesn't matter, but there are a lot more factors to consider than that. As MY pointed out, just because the father isn't part of the picture now doesn't mean he won't grow up at some point and want to be, and that's definitely something any relationship has to take into consideration.
I've weighed this issue, and remined silent thus far; I will mention it, knowing how it may make me look.
Has she been married before? If so, and you should marry, and you ever go before a ministerial board for license, this may be an issue. Be advised.
John
*sigh* I stand corrected - the fact of someone having a child is a factor to consider.
I didn't make my meaning clear. When I made my original statement, I was thinking of it on the grounds that someone would choose not to date someone with a child based on "they messed up" in some regard. And I find that attitude incredibly judgmental.
If we're talking about a child being a factor in the sense that someone may not be ready to be a parent, or in some of the other scenarios described, then yes, of course that's a factor.
Sir John - sadly, you're right. But I know for a fact that you can get a license in my district with those circumstances in play. I have several very good friends in that situation currently. I guess it depends on what organization and district you've joined - and the specifics of the circumstances for the couple.
:beret:
I fully understand the equally yoked aspect of the whole dating situation with someone who is not in church. One of the first things I mentioned earlier to her was that if things work between us, and we do decide to go out, than I wanted her to come to church with me. She agreed to it, and is looking forward, while be it a bit nervous, about going back to a Pentecostal church just because it's been so long since she's been there.
If things don't work out, well then I still got a good friend that I've reconnected with it and it wasn't just meant to be what we think it could have been.
I do agree, the aspect of the kid's father will be something that could happen down the road, but if it happens, it happens and you can't do much about it when it does.
As for a ministerial license, that won't be a problem. I've never wanted to be a preacher and do not ever really see myself in a preaching position. I'm more of a teacher, and that's where I want to stay at in my ministry in church.
So, I am still the new guy... and most folks don't know me here... lol... (ah, I can hear the sigh of relief...). But I do have some practical experience in this. Make sure she is in Church for God... and not you. I know it sounds simple, and most times can be, but it'll save a lot of heartbreak and frustration down the line. I "dated" a gal that was went to the same church as I did, and got into a situation and got pregnant. Then she stayed in church, and supposedly the father was a deadbeat, and disappeared from the picture. We started "courting / dating" about a year after the baby was born, and I fell head over heels for the mom and baby. We had our times together with her family, as well as with Church folks. Things looked great, but then problems started when all of a sudden the dad got back in the picture. He wanted nothing to do with church or the baby, but was still interested in the mom. We were "together" for close to a yr, and the baby had even started calling me dadda... talk about breaking your heart. It ended horribly, and now she isn't even in church. If I had spent a little more time in prayer, I would have seen the warning signs. I was ready to marry her, and adopt the little angel... but I didn't see it was doomed from the beginning, because her heart was not to follow after God. So please... from one guy who has been there... I dont know you... but I would just caution you to be careful, and definitely pray about it. That guy may just be the donor... but you have to be sure she won't go running back to him at some point in time. My mom was a single mother, and married a man, and I got a step-father who adopted us, and it went well for a few years... but that kind of situation is far more difficult sometimes. Just be careful, and seek God, he will show his will... Hope everything works out, and I didnt overstep anything as a newcomer... lol
Yooper
Dear Yooper. It's not a "rule" but we ask that you break up solid blocks of text into paragraphs to make it easier to read your posts.
BTW, Welcome to the nut house. Jump in, the water's fine!
I'll try to do better next time... :thumbsup2:
Quote from: Sis on February 14, 2010, 03:03:42 AM
BTW, Welcome to the nut house. Jump in, the water's fine!
Just dont tell him there are a few sharks in the water. Don't want to scare him away
Ack... there are sharks... ? ***Yooper decides to run... ohh wait, stops running cause he realizes... there are no oceans up here in Wisconsin, and the biggest fish we have are the sturgeons! But they kinda look like something from the oceans... maybe they are sharks... hmmm... decides to keep running...***
How can you be a yooper in WI ???
I live right across the border of the UP, all I have to do is drive across the river... literally less than 5 Minutes away... so I am in Yooper territory... and I am a Yooper in Training... but that didnt sound as cool... so I am a Yank from PA... and a dude cause I lived in Texas... and a yooper in training... lol...
Goodness... PA? WI? TX?
What part of PA? I used to live in MD.
And how did you find out about GP?
Grew up in rural Gardners, Pa... and graduated in Carlisle, Pa... left for the Air Force and lived in Texas in San Antonio, and Wichita Falls... then off to Hill AFB in Layton, Ut... then over to Wisconsin.
A friend gave me a link to GP... and I read a bit, and laughed a lot... and then decided ya'll looked like fun Apostolic folk, no one warned me of the sharks though... ya'll should put that in the introduction brochure!
Where 'bouts in MD?
Quote from: YooperYankDude on February 14, 2010, 07:57:34 AM
A friend gave me a link to GP...
loose use of the term friend there... yikes with friends like those...
Lol... a nice friend... but never mentioned the sharks... definitely should go in the disclaimer...
I'm from Duluth Mn now living in the DC area. So I'm kinda close to two of your haunts. I went to San Antonio a few years ago. Loved the river walk.
ooh, Carlisle.home of the U.S. military archives.. I would like to visit there.
Oh, and welcome from the media section :contract:
John :waving:
Quote from: Sis on February 14, 2010, 10:53:55 AM
I'm from Duluth Mn now living in the DC area. So I'm kinda close to two of your haunts. I went to San Antonio a few years ago. Loved the river walk.
I used to be 3 hours from Duluth, Mn... it is an amazing town. I love going there, and to Superior, Wi, and then on up to Gooseberry Falls, and the Split Rock Lighthouse, gorgeous views year round.
Now I live an hour north of Green Bay, Wi... so it is only an hour to Escanaba, Mi, and 4 hours to see Mackinac Island...
Where at in the DC area?
I lived with my grandparent for a few yrs, and was just back to visit this past October. The live in Falls Church, VA... 5 min bike ride from the Metro, and I took that to DC with my bike... Love the area, just not the traffic.
It takes them 45min to an hour to travel 20 miles... lol
Tyson's corner was always a fun place to try and find parking.
I am always at a loss as to which church to visit when I go out there, I never know anyone... lol
Quote from: Amelia Bedelia on February 14, 2010, 08:08:13 AM
Quote from: YooperYankDude on February 14, 2010, 07:57:34 AM
A friend gave me a link to GP...
loose use of the term friend there... yikes with friends like those...
:biglaugh: Nice.
:beret:
I used to be 3 hours from Duluth, Mn... it is an amazing town. I love going there, and to Superior, Wi, and then on up to Gooseberry Falls, and the Split Rock Lighthouse, gorgeous views year round. Not to mention Goosberry's hiking trails. Love it up there.
Now I live an hour north of Green Bay, Wi... so it is only an hour to Escanaba, Mi, and 4 hours to see Mackinac Island...
Flew in my first small plane in Green Bay. Loved it! Ahhhh Escanaba, the only stop light betwen Niagara Falls and Duluth!
We walked the Big Mac one year. On Labor day they close it to traffic for a couple of hours and take everyone who wants to walk it to the other side on busses, and we walked back at dawn. Seeing the sun come up over the water was amazing. All night it was a party mode but nobody got drunk or obnoxious. (We slept in the car, too cheap to get a motel. LOL)
Where at in the DC area?
Fairfax county in Herndon. Was just a cow pasture at one time (*Looks around to see if JD is lookin*) but they're building all around us now. Too bad it's only apartment buildings. LOL We're a half hour to the metro by car. The Fairfax/Vienna stop. (Last stop on the line) They're talking about putting in a connector train from here............. someday. That would be nice. We'd go into DC more often if they did.
I lived with my grandparent for a few yrs, and was just back to visit this past October. The live in Falls Church, VA... 5 min bike ride from the Metro, and I took that to DC with my bike... Love the area, just not the traffic.
It takes them 45min to an hour to travel 20 miles... lol
My husband works for George Mason University as the music librarian and teaches a couple of classes. It only takes him a half hour. Of course he avoids the freeway where the mess is! LOL
Tyson's corner was always a fun place to try and find parking.
We've driven by many times but have never stopped there. Want to some time. We've only been here five years. *Grin* Maybe in a couple of years....
I am always at a loss as to which church to visit when I go out there, I never know anyone... lol
We're going to a metro-missions church in Manassas, but there are several around. We've visited many of them.
My grandparents have had the same house for over 30 yrs, he was Active Duty Air Force, so they were gone some during that time. But it is the only house I have ever seen them in. It's a cozy little street, with lots of houses.
Sadly for me, but good for them, they are moving to a retirement community and having a new house built. But it will be like 20 miles away... so I am saddened about that, I wont be 5 min. from the Metro anymore...
Besides seeing them, the metro is like the 2nd highlight of any trip to that area. I can people watch, and no one thinks it odd.
DC is a great area, as is NYC and Chicago, but don't know that I would survive for long without a apple orchard or some fields full of corn.
Quote from: MellowYellow on December 29, 2009, 06:55:50 PM
I find it a bit scary that not wanting to date someone because they already have a child(ren) is some wrong or bad thing. Not every guy is ready to become a father let alone to one that isn't theirs. They didn't concieve it, they weren't there for the birth, they haven't raised the child whatsoever. There are some guys who are ready and willing to take on such a huge role but if a guy isn't, it's not a bad thing whatsoever. In fact, it'd be better that a guy take it incredibly serious and not move forward than jump in and it not work out, hurting everyone, especially the child if there is ANY bond made.
I think it's a very valid reason for those who are still even just learning about love to not want to involve a child's heart in such a relationship if they're not ready to commit. Kids sometimes latch on very easily which can hurt them in the long run if time after time it doesn't work out between the couple. That's almost impossible to tell when you just begin dating but that doesn't hinder a child's perception being molded by it. Just because the girl is great does not mean it's enough to go on when there are kids involved.
It's not making the mom pay for a mistake from her past, sadly worded. It's an unavoidable effect. And the father may be out now, but you never know 15yrs down the road what could happen. That's a whole lot of stuff that a mature guy will consider before becoming involved with a girl just cause he likes her.
but that isn't an issue with Kyle anyway. I think Ruby and other's that concurred are the best advice. We are not to be unequally yoked. And backslidden with worker in the church may be an edifying friendship for the backslidden, but dating? That is more dangerous than anything. Which relationship is worth more, God's or a potential romance? God said to not be unequally yoked, if that doesn't settle with you, maybe you're not as strong in the church as you think. And if that is even a possibility, dating a backslider IS dangerous.
Excellent post. You are wise.