I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor." Joan Rivers.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'." Charlie Brown.
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible." George Burns.
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
Dennis Wholey.
Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it. Pope John Paul II
No longer possessed by possessions, we may become open enough to become possessed by God. David Adam
nyuke,nyuke,nyuke- curly, three stuges!!
Quote from: yosemite on July 08, 2008, 12:47:11 AM
nyuke,nyuke,nyuke- curly, three stuges!!
(http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/merv/stooges.gif)
Yogi Berra
Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
It was pretty good. Even the music was nice
~~said after attending an opera.
Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
Mark Twain
"Besides that model they have wearing it does not know how to apply mascara. She looks like a startled puma."
This really happened and it made me laugh so hard.
An oilfiled worker went into a convenience store. The girl that was working didn't have enough clothes on and the ones that she had on were too small, so she was bulging out of them in places. She also was very pale. When the oilfield worker went up to pay for his stuff, she made some snide remark about him being "oilfield trash". He looked at her and said "Well, you look like a busted can of biscuits". :laughhard:
BOL!
I remember a line from a Ma & Pa Kettle movie. They were invited to a society party and Ma knew this woman had her strapless dress made just for the occasion.
Ma looked at the society lady and said, "Honey, I'm sorry they didn't finish your dress in time for the party."
:biglaugh: That's funny.
"Life is full of missed opportunities."
Elona
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
:biglaugh:
Quote from: Sis on October 12, 2008, 05:58:40 AM
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
:laughhard: I loooovvvee this one!
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where is the ceiling.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Those are great! :biglaugh:
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
That's funny.
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
teehee...
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
From the mind of Terry Pratchett...
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.
That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking.
Stupid men are often capable of things the clever would not dare to contemplate...
Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.
Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street- cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them. My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat :-)
It gets worse. I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.
I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.
However, you do need rules. Driving on the left (or the right or, in parts of Europe, on the left and the right as the mood takes you) is a rule which works, since following it means you're more likely to reach your intended rather than your final destination.
Every procedure for getting a cat to take a pill works fine -- once. Like the Borg, they learn...
Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: 'Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?'
I think that sick people in Ankh-Morpork generally go to a vet. It's generally a better bet. There's more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say "it was god's will" when granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow.
In Reading [England] there is this thing called the IDR, short for "Inner Distribution Road", which is bureaucratese for "Big thing that cost a lot of money and relieves traffic problems, provided all your traffic wants to orbit the town centre permanently". It's a 2-3 lane dual carriageway that goes round the town centre. It has lots of roundabouts, an overhead section, a couple of spare motorway-like exits (that's British motorways -- y'know, the roundabout with the main road going under it), and a thing called the Watlington Street Gyratory, where you have to get in lane for your intended destination about three years and two corners before you get there with no signposting. I used to cycle along it every day to get to school, before I fell off at 35 mph. [Kids! Don't try this at home!] I know it well. I believe it is impossible to leave Reading heading west.
'Educational' refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.
I once absend-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.
Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...
You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average people two hundred years ago "Would you be happy in a world where medical care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, travelling even 100 miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you don't have to die of dental abcesses and you don't have to do what the squire tells you" they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and say 'yes'.
I must confess the the activities of the UK governments for the past couple of years have been watched with frank admiration and amazement by Lord Vetinari. Outright theft as a policy had never occured to him.
I reckon that Stonehege was build by the contemporary equivalent of Microsoft, whereas Avebury was definitely an Apple circle.
I think I would like to go into modelling. Of course, I don't know how to do it, and wouldn't be any good at it if I did, so I'm going to employ someone to walk the catwalks on my behalf. It would still be me, of course...
-- Terry learns Naomi Campbell has written a book.
Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb -- they're often students, for heaven's sake.
Death isn't on line. If he was, there would be a sudden drop in the death rate. Although it'd be interesting to see if he'd post things like: DON'T YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE JAMES EARL JONES?
'They can ta'k our lives but they can never ta'k our freedom!' Now there's a battle cry not designed by a clear thinker...
I found while driving in Wyoming that wearing a stetson and driving a beat-up pickup meant you could go as fast as you like, while the police picked up Californian winnebagos that went one mph over 55. After all, they wanted to bring money into the state, not merely circulate it.
It's not Brits who think American readers are a bunch of whinging morons with the geo-social understanding of a wire coathanger, it's American editors.
wow, did you write those!? those are awesome.. I LOVE
QuoteSometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.
Note the first line. >.>
I wish I wrote those. I wish I could lay claim to a fraction of the stuff that man has penned.
Enjoyable none the less.
http://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/
He's got an awesome sense of humor.
Quote from: CDAGeek on January 03, 2009, 09:35:51 PM
Note the first line. >.>
I wish I wrote those. I wish I could lay claim to a fraction of the stuff that man has penned.
Enjoyable none the less.
sorry, im to poor to pay attention. lol
(http://th37.photobucket.com/albums/e99/forashley3/quotes%20and%20sayings/th_funny.gif)
*Bump*
Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then poop on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.....'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young... Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
The smiley is an attack on writers and readers alike. If it is funny, it doesn't need a smiley. If it is not funny, a smiley won't help it – Jim Showfelter (I personally don't agree with this) :noo:
What's another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright
First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then...we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realised it's a brochure – Douglas Adams
If it's green, it's biology, if it stinks, it's chemistry, if it has numbers, it's math, if it doesn't work, it's technology – Unknown
To err is human – but for a real disaster you need a computer – Unknown
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense – Tom Clancy
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted – Steven Wright
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true – James Branch Cabell
We don't live in a world of reality; we live in a world of perceptions – Gerald J. Simmons
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim – Edsgar W. Dijkstra
You think you know when you learn, are more sure when you can write, even more when you can teach, but certain when you can program – Alan J. Perlis
No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather – Michael Pritchard
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics i.e. it always increases. – Norman R. Augustine
Speak when you are angry – and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret – Laurence J. Peter
Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest – Mark Twain
Science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else we do – Donald Knuth
The best computer is a human being – the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labour – Wernher Von Braun
Contrary to popular belief, UNIX is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who it decides to make friends with – Unknown
Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting for centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing – John A. Holmes
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks – Unknown
The Internet is so big, so powerful, and so pointless, that, for some people, it is a complete substitute for life – Andrew Brown
Quote from: iridiscente on January 03, 2009, 10:22:47 PM
http://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/
He's got an awesome sense of humor.
True.
What he didn't like about heroes was that they were usually suicidally gloomy when sober and homicidally insane when drunk. Colour of Magic
Twoflower was a tourist, the first ever seen on the Discworld. Tourist, Rincewind had decided, meant "idiot."
'We've strayed into a zone with a high magical index,' he said. 'Don't ask me how. Once upon a time a really powerful magic field must have been generated here, and we're feeling the after-effects.'
'Precisely,' said a passing bush.
'It is forbidden to fight on the Killing Ground,' he said, and paused while he considered the sense of this. 'You know what I mean, anyway...'
I've seen excitement, and I've seen boredom. And boredom was best.
The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
The disc, being flat, has no real horizon. Any adventurous sailor who got funny ideas from staring at eggs and oranges for too long and set out for the antipodes soon learned that the reason why distant ships sometimes looked as though they were disappearing over the edge of the world was that they
were disappearing over the edge of the world.
Of course I'm sane, when trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.
Ankh-Morpork! Pearl of cities! This is not a completely accurate description, of course — it was not round and shiny — but even its worst enemies would agree that if you had to liken Ankh-Morpork to anything, then it might as well be a piece of rubbish covered with the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc.
She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.
Knowledge = Power = Energy = Matter = Mass. A library is just a genteel black hole that can read
"You're dead," he said. Keli waited. She couldn't think of any suitable reply. "I'm not" lacked a certain style, while "Is it serious?" seemed somehow too frivolous.
'And what would humans be without love?'
RARE, said Death.
It wasn't blood in general he couldn't stand the sight of, it was just his blood in particular that was so upsetting.
'I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!' he hissed. 'I'm afraid of grounds!'
'You mean heights,' said Conina. 'And stop being silly.'
'I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!'
'Quick, you must come with me,' she said. 'You're in great danger!'
'Why?'
'Because I will kill you if you don't.'
All assassins had a full-length mirror in their rooms, because it would be a terrible insult to anyone to kill them when you were badly dressed.
The Ephebians made wine out of anything they could put in a bucket, and ate anything that couldn't climb out of one.
People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else."
The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the date last shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality
Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.
'Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind.'
Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
These days, this one is really true: "A penny saved is a government oversight."
i love Steven Wright. he has some of the best lines ever.
Quote
'Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind.'
:grin:
:lol:
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses so nobody will recognize him. ~ Fred Allen
You can observe a lot by watching ~ Yogi Berra
There's one way to find out if a man is honest. Ask him and if he says "yes" you know he's crooked. ~ Groucho Marx
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. ~ Marty Allen
Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. ~ Will Rogers
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. ~ Mark Twain
I'm an Idealist. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way. ~ Carl Sandburg
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air is blowing. ~ O. Henry
:P
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
something. -- Jackie Mason
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she
gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
Change
=======
Men marry women hoping that they won't change.
Women marry men hoping that they will change.
Both are usually severely disappointed.
Quote from: The Purple Fuzzy on August 28, 2009, 02:20:09 AM
Change
=======
Men marry women hoping that they won't change.
Women marry men hoping that they will change.
Both are usually severely disappointed.
Ain't that the truth?
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing" ahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funniest thing I have heard in a long time!!
That was a good one. :)
Quote from: Jon Lanning on December 07, 2009, 04:55:19 AM
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing" ahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funniest thing I have heard in a long time!!
Something like this? (http://img3.harmony-central.com/acapella/ubb/screen.gif)
The country's population is about 13 million (not including chickens and quetzales) as of July 2009. http://www.all-about-guatemala.com/gp (http://www.all-about-guatemala.com/gp)
QuoteBirds of a feather flock together . . . and then poop on your car.
I always thought it should be "birds of the same feather."
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. ~ Groucho Marx
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. ~ Bill Cosby
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. ~ Yogi Berra
:laughat: