Saturday night after I got off work I spend a good amount of time talking to a local pastor and his wife at the store. During that converstation they come to find out my age (I'll be 28 on May 16). Then he was asking if I still lived with my parents. I gave them my usual exaplanation that yes I do still live with my parents because I can't financially afford to get my own place right now. He then made a comment that really bothered me that I wanted to toss it on here for discussion....
He said that he hopes his daughter never moves out of his home until she moves with her husband. Then he said he'd also let her move away to go to college but left the impression that she was expected to move back in when she got done with college if she wasn't still married. He didn't seem to be too pleased with the idea of a single lady living on her own.
What's you guy's thoughts on this kind of attitude towards a single woman? Personally I felt like it was wrong for her to be made to feel like her only options were college or get married. I didn't say anything to this pastor about it.
To use a totally unpolitically correct cliche, if she's free, white, and 21, she can do whatever she pleases.
Quote from: Chseeads on May 12, 2008, 03:52:23 PM
To use a totally unpolitically correct cliche, if she's free, white, and 21, she can do whatever she pleases.
...or is capable of. I have a cousin who seems to be completely incapable of living independently.
Whether it's wise, or safe, or the smart option, would depend on who, what, when, where, why, and how. I don't think the question of single women living alone has one blanket answer that is correct. Personalities, locations, ages, experiences... all those factors would have to be weighed.
Quote from: bsr on May 12, 2008, 03:07:03 PM
What's you guy's thoughts on this kind of attitude towards a single woman? Personally I felt like it was wrong for her to be made to feel like her only options were college or get married. I didn't say anything to this pastor about it.
I don't really see that there is enough information in your scenario to know exactly what the attitude is here. Parents are pretty smart people sometimes. Maybe they see something in her life that would cause them huge concerns if she were to be living on her own.
Neither do I see that her only options are college or get married. Roommate? Extended missions trip? *shrug* The possibilities are endless here.
But obviously, you were only able to post one short scenario, so we're only able to respond to the limited info you gave.
Quote from: bsr on May 12, 2008, 03:07:03 PM
He said that he hopes his daughter never moves out of his home until she moves with her husband. Then he said he'd also let her move away to go to college
Hoping his daughter does something is one issue. Pressuring or attempting to force her to do something is another. And... 'LET her move away'?? Is his daughter an adult? If so... *major red flag*... *relationship issues*
My two cents...
:beret:
I can't speak for that particular pastor's daughter since I don't personally know her. What I was more concerned about is the general thought pattern that a single gal's only options was college or get married.
I'll agree with SippinTea... theres lots of options open for a single young lady depending on her circumstances, abilities, interests, and where God leads. Even a lady that has a mild disability that would make her incapable of living completely on her own, theres still such things as group homes that would give her a good level of independence.
I don't think it IS a general thought pattern that those are the only options for single ladies.
I know many that live on their own and are fine. Personally--I would rather have a roomate or something so I felt a bit more secure....but that's just me.
Is he Middle Eastern?
When my Muslim neighbor heard about girls leaving home to live on their own, she just laughed and said she GOT to live with her parents and work, and save up money. In Saudi Arabia it's expected that a girl/woman will live with parents until she is married. But then, they can't drive and can only be in the presence of their father/brother/husband in public. No other men.
It's an old idea, fine for those who need to save money, but most want to live on their own. Have a bit of freedom before tying themselves down.
could very well just be overprotective parents. My brother had a best friend that wanted to go to a college where she would have to live in a dorm . Her parents told her if they were going to fund her college in any way she had to go to UNC Charlotte, thats only 20 miles from here, They simply told her they did not feel she could handle living on her own even in a dorm setting
Quote from: bsr on May 12, 2008, 03:07:03 PM
He said that he hopes his daughter never moves out of his home until she moves with her husband. Then he said he'd also let her move away to go to college but left the impression that she was expected to move back in when she got done with college if she wasn't still married. He didn't seem to be too pleased with the idea of a single lady living on her own.
My mother told me on more than one occasion that she didn't feel it was "proper" for a young lady to live on her own. I think part of it had to do with the dating aspects, etc. (i.e. a girl who was in a dating relationship and living on her own wouldn't have accountability, etc.). Also, it was a "protection" thing as well. She also alluded to the fact that a father "gave a daughter away" and so the father should be the protector and provider until there was another protector and provider in place.
*shrug* Her position isn't a "popular" position. It wasn't to me at the time, either. Now I can see a BIT of her logic. It's not easy for a lady to live on her own at times. The protection and shielding isn't there. The accountability must be sought out. But it CAN be done in a Godly manner. The hard part is that parents that feel that way so strongly may incite a daughter to want to rebel, which will make living on her own much more "dangerous" in a way.
Just my tangle of thoughts. Not sure if they make sense. Maybe I'll try to untangle them a bit and/or elaborate on them someday.
Personally I think it depends on the situation and the person. If they are not mature enough to live on their own, then they really shouldnt. But then, they also need the room to make their own mistakes as well.
I didnt move out till I was 21, and I moved in with my brother...but that was a different situation. I was kicked out. Then things got better between my parents and I and after almost 3 years of living on my own, I moved back in when Dad lost his job. But at this time, they viewed me as MORE of an adult then that had when I left the first time, cause they knew I could make it out on my own. I have been BACK out on my own for a year and a half now, and I am doing prefectly fine.
I love it.
If the girl can handle it, then yes, moving out at 18 or 21 or so is great. But if I had of had it to do over...I would have stayed at home for as long as I could have and saved my money so I could have bought a house upon moving out. :smirk2:
I wish I could have moved out before I got married - I think it's a really good thing to do! But I just couldn't afford it - I was a full time student!! And I didn't have anyone to room with that I really trusted... and I wouldn't want to room with uni friends who were into drinking and partying and all that kind of thing!!
It totally depends on the person and the culture and a bunch of things. In Hong Kong, hardly ANYONE moves out, even AFTER they get married, because housing is SOOOO expensive - it's insane really... I know a 40 year old who is living with his parents still. So is his married younger sister (maybe late 30's), her husband, and their 8 year old child!!
I never had roomates. Dont want em'.
When I moved in with my brother, he was just helping me get established. They looked at my income, and placed me on a budget, and helped me learn to save money. I lived with them for 8 months, and when I moved out, I had plenty of money saved to put up first and last, and get groceries and stuff I needed when I had my own place finally. I lived in that place for a year and a half, and when I moved, I had Justin and his family live with me for about 2 months in that place, but other than that, I never had roomates.
I would rather not. At one time, I wanted my Best friend to move in with me, but we had an incident and she was afraid to come back into my house, so she never moved in. Looking back at what was going on with her at that time, I am SOOOOO glad she didnt. Our friendship would have ended a LOT sooner than it did if she had of moved in.
I am happy with just me and my cat, I get to the point when people are over all the time, and if people stay in my house for too long...(over a week or so) I get to where I just want to scream, and there isnt anywhere to go to get away from them. I like my space. I like being alone. The cat even annoys me sometimes and I have to put her out. LOL
In my humble (and ya'all know how humble I am :laughhard:) opinion, a lady can do ANYTHING a man can do with the exception of have authority over a man in a religious office (including bishops, elders, and pastors).
Moving from home and living on her own is included in that "anything".
Right Amelia Bedelia? Hee hee.
Single ladies living on their own are better than a married woman living on her own. :thumbsup2:
I heard about a couple who bought a side by side duplex. The only way they could stay married was to have separate living quarters. The wife cooked and they ate together, watched TV together, then he went home to his sloppy, messy mess and they quit fighting about it. LOL
Quote from: Sis on May 13, 2008, 09:59:37 PM
I heard about a couple who bought a side by side duplex. The only way they could stay married was to have separate living quarters. The wife cooked and they ate together, watched TV together, then he went home to his sloppy, messy mess and they quit fighting about it. LOL
I will never live that life. I'd rather stay single.
Well, I guess they were married 20 years before they did this. They were an older couple, so I say if it kept them married and they both liked it, why not? It's just not for me. :laughhard: :thumbsup2:
Interesting. :)
'Sad' is the word I was thinking of.
:beret:
Quote from: World Traveler on May 13, 2008, 01:04:16 PM
In my humble (and ya'all know how humble I am :laughhard:) opinion, a lady can do ANYTHING a man can do with the exception of have authority over a man in a religious office (including bishops, elders, and pastors).
Moving from home and living on her own is included in that "anything".
Right Amelia Bedelia? Hee hee.
Pretty much sums up my opinion on the matter.
I moved away from home, 2000+ miles, for grad school when I was 22 and have lived by myself ever since (almost 9 years).
It's been the best experience ever. I learned a sense of independence that I would not have otherwise in everything from being alone, how to get help when your car breaks down, and to running my own finances.
I know other women my age or near it who have never lived alone and they are scared to death. Several of them won't be in their homes, in good neighborhoods mind you, without their husbands home. That's not healthy. Others have no idea how to manage money. They are about to file bankruptcy but still going out and buying new coach purses every month or so. (For the clueless men those run about $300 bucks.)
My theory is this, don't live scared and don't live stupid. In otherwords, don't be so afraid of everything that you do nothing fun, but don't put yourself in needless danger either.
As for accountability: I know scads of people living with their parents who fell into sin. Either it's in your heart or it's not. Living alone may give you more opportunity to sin, but whether or not you eventually do depends on whats in your heart.
As for safety and things you can't do alone: God has always put someone there to help when I needed it. From the tow truck driver who came along when my car was broken down late at night in down town Indy, to the man at church to changed my flat tire a few months ago.
For those who insist their unmarried daughters live with them: That is more about the parent then the kid. The parent can't let go, worries too much, or something.
ZO! **HUGS** Haven't seen much of you lately! How in the world are ya?
Great post! Preach it, girl!
I'm back in California for now. Send me a pm if you want to meet up sometime.
WOW Its ZO!
:o
Sis just mentioned you a few days ago.
Nice to see ya. :)
:hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper: :hyper:
Zophar!
Long time no hear! Send me a PM about what you're up to now! Luv ya, Girl!
ZOPHARZOGOOD! :ugly:
I encountered disapproval initially when I decided to move out. I have since been able to show my friends and family that despite the fact that I do not have a man in residence in my house, I am still fully able to function and keep my silly self out of trouble. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it has enabled me to more fully come into my own.
In the beginning, I heard the various points of views reference a definitive lack of accountability and things of that nature, but I've always been a stubborn little girl. I never could understand the concept of suddenly kicking my morality and love for the Lord to the curb simply because I hang my hat on a different peg. Living for the Lord isn't a game of charades. It's either who you are and what you do regardless of the audience or lack thereof because, at the end of the day, you are who are and you're going to do what you do...
Besides, I've always had a hankerin' to say, "As long as you live under my roof... Of course, I don't have anyone to whom to say that, but it's a step in the right direction... :laughhard:
There have been many who have had to stand on their own two feet before they knew for sure they could live for God on their own and not because it was the "rule of the house" to go to church.
I can't remember where it is right now, but there was that guy who, as long as he lived with the priests, he lived wholly for God but on his own, he failed. That's a hard test for some, kind of easy for others.
Now, I was on my own when I came to God, so the only test was whether I could keep on keeping on! :hypocrite:
I fell on my face quite a few times but got back up, dusted myself off and got on the right road again.
Quote from: TRAV on May 13, 2008, 09:55:16 PM
Single ladies living on their own are better than a married woman living on her own. :thumbsup2:
that's a fact.
as for this whole conversation, i agree that an adult child who "can't" or "won't" live on their own ought to consider why. sometimes it's only a financial convenience for family to live together. in some places (not so much in America) two generations commonly share living space. that's a different kind of "can't", though.
a parent's inability to allow their children to grow up are missing out on a great new kind of relationship that can be had with a grown child.
i was on my own at 18 and never thought it would be any other way. i expected my boys to be able to be independant at 18. (well, thi is mostly on his own. . .)
so. yeah. i'm all for kids growing up and leaving their poor single mothers have their own lives and do what they want. :pwink: except on mother's day.
**HUGS** Kris :pwink:
*Sis has to remember to put that in the contract.... Mother's day is the exception* (http://www.freeicons.dk/icons3/NOTEPAD.GIF)
sis, that clause goes right under "mothers retain grounding authority until the end of time."
so far . . . neither clause has worked real much for me although i do regularly ground my boys they just sneak out. maybe it's because of the 6' in height? or is it the wife thing for john? hhhmmm . . . have to think about that. :pwink:
single lady living alone seems a lot more proper than living with someone... do they still call that "living in sin"?
so yeah... alone it is for me lol
and amen Vince LOL
being on your own, especially without family support or anyone nearby watching definitely proves who you really are... there are some moments when that's hard to deal with LOL
but I wouldn't trade it, i'm so glad I got this chance and never resorted to a marriage ticket