Misc. stuff

[Lynx]

Keep that dude away from me.  When God's through with me I will have earned my rest, and not be interested at all in delaying it.    I wanna see Heaven!

[taco_harvell]

Bernard Lind was retired, but took odd jobs to make a
little extra money. One of his jobs was a taxi driver.

The cab company had a sign posted in all their cars
saying, "Your driver is: ______"

Bernie always got a kick out of watching his rider's
reactions when they read, "Your driver is: B.LIND."

[taco_harvell]

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

[taco_harvell]

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.

Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,

"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

[taco_harvell]

Copper Wire:

  After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

  Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200-year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

  One week later, a local newspaper in Wyoming reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Worland , Fred, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. He has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wyoming had already gone wireless."

[Lynx]

I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured"!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

[Lynx]

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.

Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

The note read:

"Hello. I have just hit your car, and I'm sorry to say I seem to have done a bit of damage to it.  There are a good many people standing around here who saw the accident, and quite naturally they now think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number.  Unfortunately I am not."

[taco_harvell]

I heard of a young mother who went down to the nursery at a hospital and found her young husband peering down at his newborn baby who was asleep. The mother could tell he was captivated by the scene as he stood there looking toward the sleeping infant, seemingly just in awe. She was so touched that finally she tiptoed up behind him and slipped her arm through his and said, "honey, what are you thinking about?" He whispered, "I just can't understand how they're able to make a crib like that for just $89.95."

[Lynx]

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."

"That's sounds lovely," said the woman. "What about your son?"

"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and she never will cook supper!"

[taco_harvell]

Very Punny

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers. One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine. When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

[taco_harvell]

Cash Extraction

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out. "I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started. "I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

[Lynx]

This teacher was trying to get through to her class about the importance of building a good vocabulary.  She said, "If you use a word ten times it will be yours for life."

From the middle of the class she heard a little boy saying, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda..."

[The Purple Fuzzy]

Sent to me by email. LOL!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, multiple wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc..... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're in trouble!

[Melody]

 

[taco_harvell]

How Dry Is It?

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

[Lynx]

What's the purpose of the airplane propeller? To keep the pilot cool.

[If you don't think so, just let it stop and watch him sweat!]

[Lynx]

A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some.  Without further ado, the chickens walk out.

Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more.  The chickens leave as before.

About an hour later the two birds march in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going.  She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.

She follows them out of the library, out of town, and into a park.  At this point she hides behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

She sees the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog keeps repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

[Lynx]

When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter she wrote:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

[Lynx]

Cheaper Insurance

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."

My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

[Kloey]

Hi-Larious, Isaac!   

[Lynx]

You're driving down the road and you come to a crossroad.  You don't know which way to go.  Beside the road you see three beings:  A minister who always has his Sunday sermon prepared and ready to go by Thursday night, a minister who gets his Sunday sermon together on Saturday night and the Easter Bunny.  Which one do you ask for directions?





















Wait for it...















































You ask the minister who throws his sermon together Saturday night.  The other two are just figments of your imagination.


Which reminds me, I need to start working on my Children's Church lesson... >.>

[Lynx]

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

[Melody]

I gues u have to know computers to understand that one.  ?

[Lynx]

1.  She tried to install programs on her home computer from disks they used at work, so she hadn't paid for them herself. 
2.  She tried to install Windows programs on a Macintosh computer, which is grossly incompatible.
3.  "Initialize" is Mac-speak for reformat - when she tried to get programs for free she wound up wiping out the programs.

[taco_harvell]