A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leanedover to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply .
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook .
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
lol
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
(http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l122/gypsylady53/duck.jpg)
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
(http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l122/gypsylady53/duck1.jpg)
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
(http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l122/gypsylady53/duck3.jpg)
WEEKLY EXERCISE PROGRAM
(http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff248/lady_numba1/cdc9.jpg)
Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition.
The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you."
I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of molehills.
Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the bandwagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces
(http://i155.photobucket.com/albums/s307/HeidiLeigh_photo/image001.jpg)
Chicken recipe
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people , who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn ( ORVILLE REDENBACHER 'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
DO YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR THEOLOGY?
Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?
The 1st one was Jesus.
The 2nd was the apostle Peter.
Then there was this guy Jose...
(http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o236/sozo2day/2536478.jpg)
A lawyer and a redneck
A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone ; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.
The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
:copcar:
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? WRITTEN BY KIDS
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Attaboy Alan)
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Awful 4-Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like cook, wash, iron, and dust..."
Things said and done by not so smart folks.
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS.
========================
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. Kansas City!
========================
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
========================
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
========================
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
========================
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
========================
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer
* 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
* 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
* 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
* 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
* 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
* 5. The password is "Bubba".
* 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
* 3. There's a Soda can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
* 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
* 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping....
Apple Presents The iRack (I couldnt get this to embed but here is the link lol)
http://www.youtube.com/v/rw2nkoGLhrE (http://www.youtube.com/v/rw2nkoGLhrE)
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because
none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they
learn that Jesus fed the 5000, they want to know whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says,
"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and
two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer
season the entire congregation gathers for prayer and the blessings out front of the church. (Your out front as the Pastor dosen't want to be the last one in his deer stand.)
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't
never been in a hole it couldn't get out of".
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the Praise Team is known as
the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a
#2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates
are really hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you
are called to service by a duck call.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his
wife drive matching pickup trucks.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet"
applies to huntin' dogs, too.
14. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah".
15. You know You're in a real tight Redneck Church Community when following services and your all settled in your seats at the the Golden Corral or the local Real Pit BBQ...everyone in the place stops eating and sets down their flatware because although they already had their Blessing said they will stop to let yours spill over them as well.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said... "Where???"
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"...
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
23. Rumage Sale: The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in "Auto week" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .
- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
- Quart of Milk for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!
This is a test!
OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to mess up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took on the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
You're not very good at this are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary.
Read the Question again.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
(here it comes!!!)
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, " and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T (*makes mental note to use this one someday*)
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Fresno, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Dallas Texas. Upon entering a church in this Northern area of Texas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. This is God's country... and it's a local call."
(p.s. had to change a couple of words to make this a true joke lol)
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $1,000 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women,
but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used!"
Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.
The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...
"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"
Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says, "Up here, we work by results," "While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Just Throw It In The River
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Dearest Redneck Son...
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.
About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Love,
Your Favorite Aunt
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk,
took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.
The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that that was good.
The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that that was brilliant!
Going Fishing
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register.
In the meantime the woman passes gas. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way
he could tell it was her, being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50.
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth, let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate, and we'll be done."
They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!
TWO BOYS
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
An older preacher told the story of a young minister interviewing for his first pastorate. The Pulpit Committee had invited him to come over to their church for the interview. The committee chairman asked, "Son, do you know the Bible pretty good?"
The young minister said, "Yes, pretty good." The chairman asked, "Which part do you know best?" He responded saying, "I know the New Testament best." "Which part of the New Testament do you know best," asked the chairman. The young minister said, "Several parts." The chairman said, "Well, why don't you tell us the story of the Prodigal Son." The young man said, "Fine."
"There was a man of the Pharisees name Nicodemus, who went down to Jericho by night and he fell upon stony ground and the thorns choked him half to death.
"The next morning Solomon and his wife, Gomorrah, came by, and carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care of. But, as he was going through the Eastern Gate into the Ark, he caught his hair in a limb and he hung there forty days and forty nights and he afterwards did hunger. And, the ravens came and fed him.
"The next day, the three wise men came and carried him down to the boat dock and he caught a ship to Ninevah. And when he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. He said, "Chunk her down, boys, chunk her down." And, they said, "How many times shall we chunk her down, till seven time seven?" And he said, "Nay, but seventy times seven." And they chucked her down four hundred and ninety times.
"And, she burst asunder in their midst. And they picked up twelve baskets of the leftovers. And, in the resurrection whose wife shall she be?"
The Committee chairman suddenly interrupted the young minister and said to the remainder of the committee, "Fellows, I think we ought to ask the church to call him as our minister.
He is awfully young, but he sure does know his Bible."
Biblical Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" :sing:
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" :sing:
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" :sing:
Esther: "I Feel Pretty" :sing:
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" :sing:
Moses: "The Wanderer" :sing:
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" :sing:
Samson: "Hair" :sing:
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" :sing:
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" :sing:
Joshua: "Good Vibrations" :sing:
Peter: "I'm Sorry" :sing:
Esau: "Born To Be Wild" :sing:
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" :sing:
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" :sing:
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" :sing:
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" :sing:
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" :sing:
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy" :sing:
At a local Burger King an elderly couple came in and ordered one burger, one order of fries and one coke with two glasses. When they got to their booth, the man placed a napkin in front of himself and one in front of his wife, then proceeded to divide the fries, cut the burger in half and divided the coke equally.
A gentleman nearby noticed and offered to buy them another burger, fries and Coke.
The woman then said, "No you don't understand. We've been married over 50 years and all our life we agreed to split everything right down the middle."
Her husband then began eating, as she sat with her hands in her lap.
The gentleman nearby noticed and asked the lady why she wasn't eating.
She replied, "As I said before, we split everything right down the middle, and it's his day to use the teeth first."
THIS HAS TO BE THE BEST SINGLES AD EVER
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Scroll down...
Keep going...
A little more...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society!
Texas Crazy Law
# It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
# A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
# It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
# The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
# When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
# It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
# You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
# A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
# It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
# It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Abilene
# It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
# Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
Beaumont
# Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
Borger
# It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Clarendon
# It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
El Paso
# Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."
Houston
# Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.
# It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
Galveston
# It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.
Jasper
# Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.
LeFors
# It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
Lubbock County
# It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.
Mesquite
# It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
Port Arthur
# Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.
Richardson
# It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.
# It is illegal to do "U Turns".
San Antonio
# It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
# It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
Temple
# No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.
# You can ride your horse in the saloon.
# Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.
Texarkana
# Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.
What are the pictures?
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
A little girl wants to go
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
A minister tells a joke
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Minister gives sermon
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Try to help the people
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
A sermon about lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
An ode to old age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
Grandma changed
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
Three-legged chicken
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him.
He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour.
Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.
Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.
The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"
The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."
Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"
The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."
Why did the blonde bake a chicken...
Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Child's Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
Top 45 Oxymorons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
...And the number 1 oxymoron is..
1. Microsoft Works
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/funnypics/sitdif.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/funnypics/tdiff.jpg)
The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,
"How beautiful the animals are!"
"How majestic the trees are!"
"How powerful the rivers are!"
As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"
The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Quote from: PCs rule on October 26, 2007, 10:49:18 AM
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/funnypics/sitdif.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/funnypics/tdiff.jpg)
:roll: #39
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Harlan, Ky.)
1 Just one God
2 Honor yer Ma & Pa
3 No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4 Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
5 Put nothin' before God
6 No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
7 No killin'
8 Watch yer mouth
9 Don't take what ain't yers
10 Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
There Was Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Stuff To Ponder
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes.
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
If "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients, but DISH WASHING LIQUID comtains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Strange but Interesting Facts
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why
Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump".
If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the english language.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our noses and ears never stop growing.
Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. State capital without a McDonald's.
The Pentagon in Arlington, VA, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
When it was built in the 1940's, Virginia still had segregation laws requiring seperate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
There are 2 credit cards for every person in the United States.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
It takes about a 1/2 gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount in coins, without having change for a dollar.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver".
In the great fire of London in 1666, half of London was burnt out but only 6 people were injured.
Frank Lloyd Wright's son invented Lincoln Logs.
Only one person in 2 billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan".
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death!!!
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was this important job to be done and everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure that somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was everybody's job. Everybody thought that anybody could do it, but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when actually nobody asked anybody.
I'm Stupid!
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't have to rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ... oops ... never mind, didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... okay ... no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge ... here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today?
Mothers Know All
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, but I said, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy, right?"
Husband Tech Support
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner/Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
As well, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3, to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!
Signed, Jane
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.
Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults.
Horrible email virus
I was just made aware of this horrible virus by someone who contracted it. Be afraid ... be very afraid!
A NEW VIRUS ... just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a new virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to mostly affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Good Fairy
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hand.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger ... Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety.
Gotta love that fairy!!
Clyde's Case
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'," asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you, I was loadin' my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road ..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi - truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin', real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' Now, what would you say?"
Chocolate
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
A bean is a vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.
Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem:
How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution:
Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tips:
Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don t they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
Cheeks!
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Automatic Radio
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie," she replies. Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
At the traffic light, her light turned green and as she proceeded through the intersection, out of the corner of her eye she saw a small sports utility vehicle run the red light and head right towards her vehicle. She swerves out of his way, narrowly missing a head on collision. "JERK!" she screams! and from the Radio ..."LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ..."
A Woman's Random Thoughts
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free ... You either married it or gave birth to it.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class for invigorating toning? "Clear as a bell my body said, "listen lady ... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
... thoughts for people who take life too seriously
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Clones are people two.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what in the world happened.
19 things that took me 50 years to learn
by Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
One-liners ...
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I'm not tense ... just terribly, terribly alert.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that woman should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Go ahead and take risks ... just be sure that everything will turn out okay.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
If you're sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why does a 24-hour-open store have locks on the doors?
If aliens are a more intelligent race, how come they abduct the stupidest people?
Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change!
Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody ... nobody is perfect ... therefore I am perfect.
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
"How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea ..."
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.
I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
Only in America
Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
Only in America ... do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Quirks About Life ...that you notice by the time you are fifty
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
If you help a relative in need, he or she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night when the dentist's office will be closed for the weekend.
Signs! Signs!
Actual Signs Posted by Businesses
On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push!
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission.
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet ... miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
Technology for Country Folk
Log On - Making a wood stove hot
Log Off - Too much wood on fire
Monitor - Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
Down Load - Gitten the farwood off'n the truck
Mega Hertz - When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood
Floppy Disc - Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
Ram - That thar thang what splits the farwood
Hard Drive - Gitten home in the winter time
Windows - Whut to shut when its cold outside
Screen - Whut to shut when its black fly season
Byte - Whut dem dang flys do
Chip - Munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip - Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem - Whatcha do to the hay fields
Dot Matrix - Ole Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top - Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard - Whar you hang the dang truck keys
Software - Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
Mouse - What eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad - That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
Main Frame - Holds up the barn roof
Port - Fancy flatlander wine
Enter - Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
Click - Whut you hear when you cock yer gun
Double Click - When you cock the double barrel
Reboot - Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse
10 Rules of Housekeeping
* Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
* Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
* Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
* Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
* In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
* Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
* If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
* If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes ..."
* Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it ..."
* Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere ..."
The Perks of being Over 50
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
* People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
* You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
* You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
* You sing along with elevator music.
* Your eyes won't get much worse.
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
The Rabbit is Dead
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it but unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again. He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says ...
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Things only Women Understand
Cats' facial expressions.
The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
Eyelash curlers.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
Crying can be fun.
Fat clothes.
A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
Finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
Workplace Wisdom
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress, but I am a carrier.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned
...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
...they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because
...it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that
...was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but
...I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just
...didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
...couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found
...I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
..didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I
...just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
...couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I
...tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was
...just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I
...wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I
...wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I
...was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was
...no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
...was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the
Display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
Skater Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..."Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends.
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/godplacepics/computerforwomen.jpg)
Love the new av and the new name Barb. :thumbsup2:
However, I feel I must point out to you that you spelled "rule" wrong. It's r-u-l-e not d-r-o-o-l. :hypocrite:
lololol
Quote from: Sister_Mom on October 30, 2007, 12:56:39 AM
Love the new av and the new name Barb. :thumbsup2:
However, I feel I must point out to you that you spelled "rule" wrong. It's r-u-l-e not d-r-o-o-l. :hypocrite:
:laughhard: :laughhard: (http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/smileys/remoteImage-120.gif)
You know you love me. :hypocrite:
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
01 - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
02 - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
03 - I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
04 - Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
05 - All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
06 - If all is not lost, where is it?
07 - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
08 - Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
09 - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10 - Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11 - Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13 - The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14 - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15 - When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16 - It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
17 - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18 - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter - I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19 - I am unable to remember if I have posted this or not
We sit and we type and stare at our screens
We all have to wonder what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in amaze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.
We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody,to type out our name
We want recognition,but it's always the same.
We give kisses and hugs,and sometimes flirt.
With IM's we chat deeply, and tell why we hurt.
We do form friendships-but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.
Why is it on screen,we can be so bold
Telling our secrets,that have never been told.
Why is it we share,the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see,as though we were blind ?
The answer is simple,it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell real people,but tell someone we must.
So we turn to the puter,and to those we can trust.
Even though it is crazy,The truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces,with odd little names.
Good stuff Mz Ethyl! :great:
Thanks for the laughs. :laughhard:
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/godplacepics/remoteImage-7.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/godplacepics/remoteImage-41.gif)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/godplacepics/remoteImage-44.gif)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/godplacepics/remoteImage-42.gif)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/godplacepics/remoteImage-43.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/funnypics/36.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/funny-2.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/Funny-1-2.gif)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/thIDOKnowItAll.gif)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/laughs.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/funny-1-3.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/funny-3.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/jokes-Scales.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/cartoon.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/cartoon-3.jpg)
You're still cracking me up!! :laughhard:
Thanks Barb! :thumbsup2:
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/67rjalk.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/crazy-1.jpg)
(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i286/auntbeezer/lga061122.gif)
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Alone together
American history
British fashion
Business ethics
Clearly misunderstood
Computer security
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Exact estimate
Extinct Life
Found missing
Genuine imitation
Government organization
Legally drunk
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
New classic
Passive aggression
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Political science
Pretty ugly
Resident alien
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation
quoteing it so i can find it again easily...this is really true... Thanks for posting it
Quote from: Mz. Ethyl on November 23, 2007, 03:04:34 AM
We sit and we type and stare at our screens
We all have to wonder what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in amaze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.
We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody,to type out our name
We want recognition,but it's always the same.
We give kisses and hugs,and sometimes flirt.
With IM's we chat deeply, and tell why we hurt.
We do form friendships-but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.
Why is it on screen,we can be so bold
Telling our secrets,that have never been told.
Why is it we share,the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see,as though we were blind ?
The answer is simple,it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell real people,but tell someone we must.
So we turn to the puter,and to those we can trust.
Even though it is crazy,The truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces,with odd little names.
A man goes to his doctor.
"If I see someone riding a bike when I'm walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Have you ever heard of such a thing?"
The doctor thinks for a moment, then says; "Yes, I have heard of one other case. You are what we call a cycle path."
================================================
You're Under Arrest
Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the man in front doesn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. She begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.
The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake, but you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. Then I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
============================================================
Russian
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
====================================================
Injuries
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"A maple leaf? Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
=======================================================
Free Haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to accept his money. "You protect the public," he said. The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve justice." The next morning, the barber found a dozen lawyers standing in line, waiting for a free haircut.
It was mealtime during a flight lasting several hours.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied"
===================================
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
================================
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day" the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
===================================
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
=======================================
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "I need to buy some Christmas stamps?" The clerk says,
"What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
========================================
A woman is standing, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's near perfect.
He never heard the shot....
A scientist told God "We don't need you anymore."
God simply asked, "Why do you think that?"
The scientist said, "We've found out how to create life from nothing."
God said, "Okay, tell me."
The scientist said "All you do is mold the dirt and breathe into it thus giving it life."
God said, "Alright, show me."
The scientist bent down and began to mold and shape the dirt with his hands.
God stopped him and said, "No, no, no, get your own dirt."
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter
Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to
make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the
women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of
men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly
were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I
created you to be the head of your household! You have
been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be
the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here".
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years
earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was going to fly there the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the
first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he
typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a
one-letter mistake in the email address.
Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had
a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the
funeral and decided to check her email, thinking that there
might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading
the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The
widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it
said:
"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"
cool drummer video! (http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=28877813)
Quote from: Mz. Ethyl on January 20, 2008, 09:31:55 AM
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years
earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was going to fly there the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the
first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he
typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a
one-letter mistake in the email address.
Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had
a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the
funeral and decided to check her email, thinking that there
might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading
the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The
widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it
said:
"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"
:o :laughhard:
LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuklzpeCsAQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuklzpeCsAQ)
we need the PC lady back here