a few funnies from the PC lady

[Sister_Mom]

Love the new av and the new name Barb. 

However, I feel I must point out to you that you spelled "rule" wrong. It's r-u-l-e not d-r-o-o-l. 

[Tricia Lea]

lololol

[Babs]

Love the new av and the new name Barb. 

However, I feel I must point out to you that you spelled "rule" wrong. It's r-u-l-e not d-r-o-o-l. 

 

[Sister_Mom]

You know you love me. 

[Babs]

You know you love me. 

yes mam! 

[Babs]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Babs]

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

01 - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
02 - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
03 - I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
04 - Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
05 - All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
06 - If all is not lost, where is it?
07 - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
08 - Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
09 - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10 - Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11 - Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13 - The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14 - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15 - When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16 - It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
17 - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18 - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter - I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19 - I am unable to remember if I have posted this or not

[Babs]

We sit and we type and stare at our screens
We all have to wonder what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in amaze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.
We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody,to type out our name
We want recognition,but it's always the same.
We give kisses and hugs,and sometimes flirt.
With IM's we chat deeply, and tell why we hurt.
We do form friendships-but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.
Why is it on screen,we can be so bold
Telling our secrets,that have never been told.
Why is it we share,the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see,as though we were blind ?
The answer is simple,it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell real people,but tell someone we must.
So we turn to the puter,and to those we can trust.
Even though it is crazy,The truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces,with odd little names.

[Sister_Mom]

Good stuff Mz Ethyl! 

Thanks for the laughs. 

[Babs]

[Babs]

[Babs]

[Babs]

[Babs]

[Babs]

[Sister_Mom]

You're still cracking me up!! 

Thanks Barb! 

[Babs]

[Babs]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[Babs]

Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Alone together
American history
British fashion
Business ethics
Clearly misunderstood
Computer security
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Exact estimate
Extinct Life
Found missing
Genuine imitation
Government organization
Legally drunk
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
New classic
Passive aggression
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Political science
Pretty ugly
Resident alien
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation

[sunlight]

quoteing it so i can find it again easily...this is really true... Thanks for posting it

We sit and we type and stare at our screens
We all have to wonder what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in amaze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.
We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody,to type out our name
We want recognition,but it's always the same.
We give kisses and hugs,and sometimes flirt.
With IM's we chat deeply, and tell why we hurt.
We do form friendships-but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.
Why is it on screen,we can be so bold
Telling our secrets,that have never been told.
Why is it we share,the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see,as though we were blind ?
The answer is simple,it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell real people,but tell someone we must.
So we turn to the puter,and to those we can trust.
Even though it is crazy,The truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces,with odd little names.

[Babs]

A man goes to his doctor.

"If I see someone riding a bike when I'm walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Have you ever heard of such a thing?"

The doctor thinks for a moment, then says; "Yes, I have heard of one other case. You are what we call a cycle path."
================================================

You're Under Arrest

Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the man in front doesn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. She begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.

The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake, but you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. Then I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

============================================================

    Russian

    The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available, and the couple took him without hesitation.

    On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

    After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

    The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
====================================================

    Injuries

    A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened.

    After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

    "A maple leaf? Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury" said the lawyer.

    "Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
=======================================================

    Free Haircuts

    A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

    A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to accept his money. "You protect the public," he said. The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

    A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve justice." The next morning, the barber found a dozen lawyers standing in line, waiting for a free haircut.

[Babs]

It was mealtime during a flight lasting several hours.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied"

===================================

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

================================

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day" the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

===================================

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

=======================================

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "I need to buy some Christmas stamps?" The clerk says,
"What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

========================================

A woman is standing, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's near perfect.
He never heard the shot....

[Babs]

A scientist told God "We don't need you anymore."

God simply asked, "Why do you think that?"

The scientist said, "We've found out how to create life from nothing."

God said, "Okay, tell me."

The scientist said "All you do is mold the dirt and breathe into it thus giving it life."

God said, "Alright, show me."

The scientist bent down and began to mold and shape the dirt with his hands.

God stopped him and said, "No, no, no, get your own dirt."

[Babs]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter
Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to
make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the
women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of
men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly
were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I
created you to be the head of your household! You have
been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be
the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here".

[Babs]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years
earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was going to fly there the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the
first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he
typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a
one-letter mistake in the email address.

Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had
a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the
funeral and decided to check her email, thinking that there
might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading
the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The
widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it
said:

"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"