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Depression

Started by almondjoy, June 08, 2008, 03:04:02 AM

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almondjoy

Depression has had such a huge hold on most of my adult life.  I've tried giving it to God time and time again, but for some stupid reason, I go right back over and pick it up.  I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes. 

I grew up in a home where I was always treated like junk.  My family isn't in church.  I was the middle child, the reason my parents HAD to get married (long story).  I'm sure that's a lot of why I was treated the way I was.  I was to blame for their unhappiness.  My father beat me every chance he got (to take out his anger at my mom).  He couldn't do anything to my sis, because she wasn't his child.  My lil bro was his "baby".  When I was in Jr. High School, I almost got hit by a car speeding through the neighborhood.  On top of having the life scared out of me, I got the snot beat out of me afterward (kicked, punched, hair pulled, etc). 

Just over 6 years ago, my father was diagnosed with cancer.  By the time they discovered it, it was way too far advanced.  He was put in the hospital on a Friday, and the next Friday afternoon, he was gone.  The morning he died, was the first time I could ever recall in my life that he had told me he loved me.  I was 29 years old.

My mother on the other hand never touched me physically.  Her abuse was verbal and very cutting.  I was constantly told I was worthless.  That I would never amount to anything.  Why can't you be more like your sister?  I was useless.  You name it, that's what I was told.  Things with my mother didn't get much better until I got married and moved away.

When I was 19, I was engaged to someone I thought loved me.  But, he kept pushing me to do things that went against my values.  I wasn't in church at the time, but still had moral values.  He told me either I did it, or he was leaving.  I have not seen him since that night.  That night, I think was the deepest point of my depression.  I tried to kill myself.  I swallowed a bunch of aspirin, and chased them down with a bunch of alcohol.  Evidently, God had other plans for my life.  I woke up that next morning.  I had gotten sick, and EVERY one of those aspirins were there (sorry if TMI).  That was a Sunday morning.

I went back to church that very morning.  I didn't get the Holy Ghost for a few months, but it was the start of my "new" life.  I'm not saying everything was easy, believe me it wasn't.  I was still battling the depression in a big way.  Over the next several years, I put on more than 100 lbs courtesy of that depression.  So now, not only did I have the "nobody loves me, everybody hates me" attitude, I was physically miserable.  When what friends I had wanted to go walking at the river, or do other things, I started backing out.  I was so big, and my knees hurt so bad, I just couldn't keep up.  I was embarrassed.  Thus, sinking further and further into my depression.

I managed to hide a LOT of the depression from others (or so I thought).  I tried to "fake it" when I was around other people.  I know now, that those that were my true friends, knew.  I also know that they've been praying for me.  If it weren't for the love, prayers and support of good friends, I know I wouldn't be here now.

My best friend introduced me to Aaron in November 2004.  I thought he was "odd" at first.  But, the more I got to know him, the more I liked him.  We lived 3 hours apart.  I was the one that always had to make the effort to come see him.  He always had an excuse why he couldn't come see me.  But, I was in love...I was blind to things back then.  We were engaged in June 2005, and married November 19, 2005.  Things have been up and down since.  I love my husband with all my heart, but sometimes, I don't think he feels the same way.  Anytime I try to talk to him, he blames me...and then says I'm "making excuses".  He married me despite my size, and sometimes, from things he's said, I think he regrets it.  He acts one way at church, and another way completely at home.  Almost like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

I've prayed and prayed...and then prayed some more for my marriage.  I don't believe in divorce, period.  I've met with my current pastor's wife several times about this, and she's helping me pray.  I'm tired of being miserable.  I'm tired of pretending, of being a fake.  I want to be able to go to church and worship freely. 

Please pray that I truly give this situation to God, and not pick it back up.  Pray that my husband gives his life completely to Him. 

Sis

I'm sorry all that has happened to you. Will be praying for you for sure.


almondjoy


almondjoy

I feel a bit better tonight.  We had a very good service tonight.

Sis



almondjoy

He told me today that he wants us to start praying together in the mornings.  I've been TRYING to get him to do this for a LONG time.  I told him we could do this (which requires a huge sleep sacrifice for me...losing an hour more sleep), but it's sooooo worth it!  I told him we also need to pray together at night BEFORE we go to bed.

Sis

Hey Kewel. Glad to hear it.


almondjoy


almondjoy


The Purple Fuzzy

I've had the blues for a couple of weeks now.  Think it's mostly work related with hormones thrown in...

Sis

Like you said, everyone you like is leaving and the ones you don't are staying. That would give me the blues.


The Purple Fuzzy

But it's not really a good thing to cry at work.  :smirk:

almondjoy

*Hugs* mom.

How bout throwing things? :hypocrite:

Isn't that better than crying? ;)

The Purple Fuzzy

Well, I do that when I'm not crying. ;)

almondjoy


relevant_grace

Angie, you know I'm praying for you, Loverly.   I'm not clinically depressed, but as of late, I've been rather down.  I've lost interest in a great many things and people.  I'm taking it as it comes and praying along the way.   :thumbsup2: