News:

You can reach your profile and change its settings here.

Main Menu

What is Love? by Gila Manolson

Started by apsurf, February 15, 2007, 04:54:35 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

apsurf

Here is an article from a jewish site, aish.com.  that  I found interresting.  Thought yall might enjoy it.  If I find others I will attach them in other posts on this thread.

What Is Love?
by Gila Manolson
Many people believe love is a sensation that magically generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. No wonder so many people are single. An excerpt from "Head to Heart."


A few years ago, I spoke to a group of high-schoolers about the Jewish idea of love.

"Someone define love," I said.

No response.

"Doesn't anyone want to try?" I asked.

Still no response.

"Tell you what: I'll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. Okay?"

Nods.

"Okay. Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person."

Every hand went up. And I thought, Oy.

This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it.

The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise "The Art of Loving," noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love." (That was back in 1956 -- chances are he'd be even more pessimistic today.)

So what is love -- real, lasting love?

Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.

The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages ("The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts"), Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding."

To the Jewish mind, it isn't unexpected at all. What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.

LOVE IS A CHOICE

If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen -- you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily.

I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us. Judaism actually idealizes this universal, unconditional love.

Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.

Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David. When she called her parents to tell them the good news, they were elated. At the end of the conversation, her mother said, "Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David."

Susan was a bit dubious. "Mom," she said hesitantly, "I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you've never met?"

"We're choosing to love him," her mother explained, "because love is a choice."

There's no better wisdom Susan's mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.

ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGS

Now that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving tzedaka (charity) will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving -- and that means giving.

While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth (as Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes in his famous discourse on loving kindness) is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.

What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday -- a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.

True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.

OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.

Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who've given you more than you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you.

Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time -- which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.

A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low -- and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse."

Dr. Jill Murray (author of "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships") writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.

Reprinted with permission from "HEAD TO HEART" by Gila Manolson. Published by: Targum Press, Inc. http://www.targum.com

Author Biography:
Gila Manolson is the author of "The Magic Touch," "Inside/Outside" and "Head to Heart: What you need to know before dating and marriage." She is a popular international lecturer who lives in Jerusalem with her husband and children.

http://www.aish.com/dating/wisdom/What_Is_Love$.asp

terp

That's a thought provoker.  Thanks for sharing!
The grace of imperfection...amazing.

TRAV

PROVERBS 3:5,6

RainbowJingles

I agree.  VERY thought-provoking indeed.

Makes a lot of sense.
No wonder I've found myself sometimes falling for guys who didn't give a hoot about me.  I'm a giver.  I enjoy giving and doing for others (both male and female).  As I give, I usually end up falling in love.  Weird.   :o
Won't make me stop giving, though.  It'll just make me more aware of what's going on in my emotions.

TRAV

Quote from: RainbowJingles on February 15, 2007, 08:51:39 PM
  As I give, I usually end up falling in love. 

TRAV:IS being serious:

That is a very interesting thought. By definition, LOVE gives. So you are actually participating in the definition of love, but the "giving" or love is not being reciprocated. So you are falling into "giving" (if you get what I'm saying). When you give, you are often made vulnerable to people. It's easier to love when you are able to be vulnerable. Our emotions can be touched when we are open to others.

There's more to say but I think I'll stop there and wait for more responses. Good stuff, Jingles.


PROVERBS 3:5,6

terp

So, is it possible to "give" and not be vulnerable?  Is it possible to "love/give" and not be open?  Do they have to happen hand in hand or can it become a case of "playing love" - like playing house.  If someone isn't a natural giver, do they have to learn to give/love?  What is it that makes some people more giving and others less?  Can I dare ask if it's "nature vs. nurture?"  It's all a question right now (or lots of questions!).  When I said, "thought-provoking," I meant it.  Smile.  Any thoughts?     
The grace of imperfection...amazing.

TRAV

#6
Quote from: terp on February 15, 2007, 09:11:33 PM
So, is it possible to "give" and not be vulnerable?       

Yes. It's also possible to love and not be victimized or to feel like you have lost something in the process.


Quote from: terp on February 15, 2007, 09:11:33 PM
If someone isn't a natural giver, do they have to learn to give/love? 

If someone isn't a natural lover, I think it's in their best interest to learn how to love, which is about giving.


Quote from: terp on February 15, 2007, 09:11:33 PM
What is it that makes some people more giving and others less?

It could be a lack of fear. It could also be the desire for the "giving" to be given back.
PROVERBS 3:5,6

newkris

wow.  i don't have time to read this all at work. hhhmmm . .  .
\\\\\\\"i want to say more than words when i write\\\\\\\" - kent d. curry
me, too.


myspace.com\\\\\\\\krisknowshim
there are times in the whirlwind of my fragile life that i have hidden under your words, your voice.

terp

Thanks, TRAV, for the responses to think about.  

How come growing up isn't as glamorous as it's portrayed in Hollywood?  They make it look so easy...love.  I think it comes down to the nature of the human race.  We're born with a nature so not like God (love).  It's like we turn into our teen years and think that love will just happen...like graduating from college and getting a job, right?  They just happen - no work, no sweat, no tears.  Giving/loving must take an element of risk, or faith.            

My friend always tells me, "Better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all." - There must be something healthy in loving and giving of one's self - even if something is lost, love was still there.  Could I venture to say that God was there...?  

Ok, I'm done posting in this for awhile.  Thanks again for the thought, nwlife.
The grace of imperfection...amazing.

RainbowJingles

This line of thinking lends itself to supporting some of the thinking that I've been doing lately about singles and selfishness.

Sometimes older singles who live alone have no one else to care for and few responsibilities.  They rarely give.  It's not always a choice.  Sometimes it's simply a lack of opportunity.
The correlation may be found here on some level, in that sometimes their (read "our," as I would like to admit that I may fall into that category at times) lack of giving breeds selfishness and lack of love, OR it may be stated that the lack of love, in turn, breeds a lack of giving.  It can become a vicious cycle to be sure.  Loving and giving seem to simply go hand-in-hand.  Perhaps they cannot be separated.  Perhaps they must co-exist.  If one ceases, the other is close behind in its disappearance.

Either way, it makes perfect sense.  The bottom line is that, if a single person (or any other person, for that matter) stops giving, they will become miserable, as the love will be lacking in their lives.

There are times in my life that I have recognized that I am slipping into depression.  Instead of allowing myself to be pulled down into the murkiness of it, I will simply get up and go to a nursing home and ask to see a few people who haven't had visitors in a long time.  Sometimes I make balloon animals.  Sometimes I just go.  After I finish, I feel more complete as a person on every level.

This also could explain why I feel such a deep connection with children.  I can give to them.  They receive easily.  I give everything I have to them on many levels of ministry.

Good stuff, Brandon!

terp

The grace of imperfection...amazing.

TRAV

Quote from: terp on February 15, 2007, 09:58:41 PM
Thanks, TRAV, for the responses to think about. 

How come growing up isn't as glamorous as it's portrayed in Hollywood?  They make it look so easy...love.  I think it comes down to the nature of the human race.  We're born with a nature so not like God (love).  It's like we turn into our teen years and think that love will just happen...like graduating from college and getting a job, right?  They just happen - no work, no sweat, no tears.  Giving/loving must take an element of risk, or faith.           

My friend always tells me, "Better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all."

Growing up in "Hollywood" is not growing up at all. There's rarely any maturity present in Hollywood relationships. I think giving and loving does take some risks. Sometimes it's not easy to take those risks.

As far as the "better to have loved" statement, I think it's better to have loved the right people, than to have loved the wrong ones.
PROVERBS 3:5,6

RainbowJingles

Also explains why so many people at Mom's funeral simply KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loved them.
Yes, she *did* love them, but they KNEW she loved them because she gave.
She gave of

  • herself
  • her finances
  • her time
  • her emotions
  • her knowledge
The list could go on and on and...

John 3:16 comes to mind.
For God so loved the world that He GAVE...

But who are we to ever determine NOT to give?

Freely ye have received.  Freely give. (Matthew 10:8 )
It's a command.

And who are we to determine not to love?
I John 4:8 is pretty adamant that we have no right NOT to love.
"He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love."

It's all connected.  Unreserved giving DOES open you up and showcase your vulnerabilities.  *shrug*  It's still a command.  It's still love.  It's still good.

RainbowJingles

Quote from: TRAV on February 15, 2007, 10:17:25 PM
As far as the "better to have loved" statement, I think it's better to have loved the right people, than to have loved the wrong ones.
I agree on that one, by the way, Trav.
There's a difference in agape love (commanded of us toward everyone) and getting into a wrong relationship.
BUT so many times we miss the meaning of loving one another because of fear of someone taking things "the wrong way."
Singles sometimes have some tough times in this area.

TRAV

I bet there's some married couples that experience the same turmoils, don't worry.
PROVERBS 3:5,6

newkris

loving the wrong people:  not so much the "loving/giving" side of it, but the "loving/not receiving" side, that stinks.  it hurts and there's no real cure for it because . . only bitterness will keep you from taking that risk again.  if you don't want to be bitter, you'll keep taking the chance and that might mean you keep getting hurt.

loving/giving:  you can give without love, but you cannot enjoy giving without loving to give.  does that make sense?  i give my tax dollars to uncle sam, but i don't love it.  i give my AIM support to people who i love and so my giving is at a different level - and so is my reward.

saying "i love you":  easy to say, easy to mean - for me anyway.  i love so many people.  i can relate to the singer/audience.  totally.  there is a level of love that i feel for people that i just watch when i'm people watching.  the baby who smiles at the waterfall, the little girl who chases the cute little boy . .  . aaawww . . . i just love to watch people and sometimes they smile at me and i love them even more. 

but . . that isn't the same kind or level of love that i feel for my kids or my friends - not even close.  whole nother level. 

my difficulty doesn't come with being loving or giving love . . in fact i have been often told i'm "smothering" because i equate doing with caring and sometimes i care too much . . . .

rather, my difficulty comes in believing that someone can love me.  how do i know they mean it just because they say it?  some have said it without meaning it and in the end it's me who is alone and hurt. 

being willing to GIVE love is easy . . being willing to RECEIVE love . . . little more challenging.  in receiving i am taking the chance that they might not mean what they say.  they might say "i love you" to gain my trust and then misuse that trust.  and then what? 

great discussion, philospher friends of mine.  very timely, i might add.

oh and yeah . .  it's not about being married or single.  truly.
\\\\\\\"i want to say more than words when i write\\\\\\\" - kent d. curry
me, too.


myspace.com\\\\\\\\krisknowshim
there are times in the whirlwind of my fragile life that i have hidden under your words, your voice.

RainbowJingles

Quote from: newkris on February 15, 2007, 11:45:20 PMoh and yeah . .  it's not about being married or single.  truly.

I agree, newkirs.  I was only making the point that I had been pondering singles and selfishness lately, and this topic seemed to fit well into that train of thought.

As to being afraid to receive: Actions speak louder than words.  Believe that someone loves you only when they give.  :-)  If they don't give on any level (it's not just a "gift" kind of thing; there are many types of giving, as I listed earlier), they likely don't TRULY love.

Hear words.
Believe actions.

SippinTea

Quote from: newkris on February 15, 2007, 11:45:20 PM
being willing to GIVE love is easy . . being willing to RECEIVE love . . . little more challenging.  in receiving i am taking the chance that they might not mean what they say.  they might say "i love you" to gain my trust and then misuse that trust.  and then what? 

Uh, yeah. You've got a point there, and you're hitting a little too close to home. Something along the lines of...Once bitten, twice shy.

:beret:
"Not everything that is of God is easy." -Elona

"When you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything." -F. Chan

"A real live hug anytime you want it is priceless." -Rachel

TRAV

:sing: "What is loooove? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me - no mo(re)...."  :sing:
PROVERBS 3:5,6

newkris

i'm more like .  ..'what's love got to do wit' it?  who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"
although i don't look or sound much like tina turner . . .  i do know a tina and some turners. 

SORRY!!  BACK TO BEING SERIOUS . . .


yes, you are right.  actions speak louder than words.  someone described the action of love being "lovely things are done by loving people to and for those they love."  it's not difficult to convey love if you feel it - honestly - but it's very difficult to be loving if you don't love someone. 

so . . . what do you do when you have loved someone and they have not loved you in return?  at what point are we free to separate our path from theirs? 
\\\\\\\"i want to say more than words when i write\\\\\\\" - kent d. curry
me, too.


myspace.com\\\\\\\\krisknowshim
there are times in the whirlwind of my fragile life that i have hidden under your words, your voice.

TRAV

When Jesus separates his path from ours.
PROVERBS 3:5,6

newkris

\\\\\\\"i want to say more than words when i write\\\\\\\" - kent d. curry
me, too.


myspace.com\\\\\\\\krisknowshim
there are times in the whirlwind of my fragile life that i have hidden under your words, your voice.

terp

The grace of imperfection...amazing.

TRAV

......


Clarification comes when we define "love" the way God is defined. God is love.


......
PROVERBS 3:5,6

newkris

so continue that path . .  .

putting God in place of love in the sentence . . .

at what point when you have loved (like God) someone and they have not loved you (NOT like God) in return . .  at what point can we separate our path from theirs? 

how long does God continue to walk with someone who doesn't love Him in return?  i'm thinking about the 7 churches in Revelation where he kept trying to draw them to Him, but because they wouldn't . .  He turned away from them quite harshly. 

in the natural every day sense, how long does God require someone to keep loving (in actions) someone who doesn't/won't love them in return?

\\\\\\\"i want to say more than words when i write\\\\\\\" - kent d. curry
me, too.


myspace.com\\\\\\\\krisknowshim
there are times in the whirlwind of my fragile life that i have hidden under your words, your voice.