Sermon Jokes

[taco_harvell]

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

[taco_harvell]

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"

[taco_harvell]

A local church had a big time TV evangelist come in for revival. 
On the Sunday morning at the start of the revival the visiting
minister preached hell-fire and brimstone for two hours straight
when the sound system  gave out and went dead. 
Concerned that people in the back of the packed sanctuary
couldn't hear him the preacher asked, "Can everyone hear me
OK without the microphone?"  Someone on the back row raised
his hand and said, "I can't hear you back here."   A lady on the
front row, who'd had about all of the sermon she wanted stood
up, turned to the guy in the back and said, "I can hear him fine
from up here.  Wanna trade places?"

[taco_harvell]

Lengthy Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave
during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the
conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had
gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

[yosemite]

Lengthy Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave
during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the
conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had
gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

[taco_harvell]

A sidewalk preacher stood on a soapbox downtown and started a rousing sermon on salvation, ending with, "Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand by me!"

Half of those standing around joined the preacher, and he went on, raising his voice and fervor, again with the call, "Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand with me!"

Half of those left came over and the preacher continued, ending again with the call to Heaven. This time, all but one man came over.

"Brother!" the preacher called, "Don't you want to go to Heaven when you die?"

The man said, "Oh sure, when I die. I thought you were taking a load up now!"

[taco_harvell]

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

[awilkes05]

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

[taco_harvell]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[EricShane]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

omgoodness... i really BOL'd

[taco_harvell]

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me," the father answered.

The boy replied, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

[taco_harvell]

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

[taco_harvell]

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

[Lynx]

Wow I remember the first time I heard that one, on a Jerry Jordan album.

[taco_harvell]

Wow I remember the first time I heard that one, on a Jerry Jordan album.

Haven't heard that name in years.

[Lynx]

You've heard of him?  I did his "Telephone call from God" as a puppet skit a while ago. 

[taco_harvell]

Yep I have an ancient cassette tape with Phone Call from God on it somewhere.