Email

[Sis]

To All My Email Buddies:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send a special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet s sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl, who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e- mail program.

I no longer have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore or Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my truck because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

Have a wonderful day...

LOVE,
YOUR PARANOID EMAIL-BUDDY  (big brother might be checking)!

[World Traveler]

I can't tell you how many times I have had that one forwarded to me!

[Sis]

I've had similar ones, but not this particular one. 

[Brother Dad]

Yeah, but it will all be better after you get that inheritance from that distance loved one that that was a billionaire and left no will.  But died in a plane crash in a foreign country.  All you have to do is sent them your information and they will share the money with you.  Then all the other things won't matter.

[Chseeads]

Yeah, but it will all be better after you get that inheritance from that distance loved one that that was a billionaire and left no will.  But died in a plane crash in a foreign country.  All you have to do is sent them your information and they will share the money with you.  Then all the other things won't matter.

YEAH!!!!

[MelodyB]

BOL!

This is great!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waN8W8HKi5k  Related video.

[Tricia Lea]

 

[almondjoy]

 

That's great!  Don't know how I missed this before.

[The Purple Fuzzy]

*smile*