Pedal to the floor in Sharing 504!

[Roscoe]

I did both. I dissappeared by myself and got lost on back roads,  winding up at my favorite place, petit Jean. Cried myself out, spent a couple of hours there, and sneaked  into church and spoke with Bro Wilson after he concluded his sermon.
This morning, got up and set up mama's memorial arrangements. She's home with Him. I'm getting by. Life is good.

[MelodyB]

Ok...here is my advice.

Granted, I'm just 7 months into this, (wow...has she really been gone that long already?) and some days I honestly want to scream and tell everyone where they can shove their advice, but this does work somewhat and has kept me (partially) sane.

Cry if you need to. If you feel it, do it. Don't Supress it until you have a meltdown. Cry, get it out and move along. Don't dwell there either. Take a few minutes and then blow your nose, wash your face and get back to whatever needs doing. But don't ignore the feelings of grief and don't imbrace them where it becomes unhealthy.

Talk about her. One thing that helps me is remembering the good and the bad times and sharing them with people. Or not. Sometimes I just think of the things that we did or even the things that were aggravating about her and it helps. Don't forget or try to forget. And if talking makes you cry. Cry. No one thinks anything of that. Everyone has a mother and they all will go thru something too.

Take one day at a time. That's cliche I know. But it's TRUTH. I have had some REALLY REALLY dark days these past months. Some I haven't shared with anyone and don't want to. But then the sun comes out the next day and although nothing changed overnight, she's still gone, my perspective changed somehow and I have a good day or a series of good days.

It takes TIME. I didn't expect it to be this bad. Truly. Other people have great relationships with their mothers and I never did until the last year or so. When mine passed I felt like I went with her, but I went to hell. I literally have physical pain sometime and sob so hard I feel like I'm dying. But with time it's getting less frequent and I am not getting over it, but learning how to live THRU it. I've heard we don't ever get over it. We just learn a new normal.

It comes in waves. I can have weeks of pretty good days and then BAM! Get hit HARD with several bad and worse days all together...then just as suddenly as it hits, it's gone again and I'm ok until the next wave hits.

This is BY FAR the hardest thing that I personally have ever gone thru, and I'm not thru it yet. And like i said, I have not fully shared with ANYONE Some of the stuff I've felt and dealt with these months. God only knows, and when you feel like you have NO ONE...God is the ONLY one you do have. He's all I have and sometimes I just lay at His feet and sob. HE is my comfort. You have to learn to lean on Him in a way you have never needed to before.

God took our Mothers, so now He has become our Mother.


That's all I got. Hope it helps.

[Roscoe]

It does ,Mel. I was fortunate enough that my mama was one of my best friends. We worked together after I got out of high school, went to church together,  and she and daddy were a huge part of my life. Because of this, there are not a ton of regrets for me to deal with, and there ARE a ton of great memories.  For this, I am thankful,  because I know things could have been much different.

Truthfully,  I expected it to be somewhat easy, just because she had been in such bad health and had not known me or even communicated with anyone in years.
As I've told others, I struggled with God BECAUSE He hadn't taken her, which I thought would've been merciful. 

 But once she was gone, it did away with that glimmer of hope that somehow, someday, they would call me saying she was asking for me...that hope that God would restore her.

I've cried, and I have a ton of friends who text me simple one word messages that uplift me, and some that text me alot more. Some that simply read what I've put on paper and emailed just for the therapy..some post quick thoughts on Facebook.
Each one are helping me more than I can say.
I am blessed. Despite my anti people tendacies, I have acquired some friends that are simply too stubborn to abandon me.
And I love them forever for it.

[MsJennJenn]

* MsJennJenn leaves hugs for melbsy and donuts for roscoe.

[Roscoe]

 About to go to the church for the hardest service of my life. I would appreciate prayers that I can speak without breaking down- Mama deserves for her son to honor her by at least saying a few words.. Love ya'll.

[Nelle]

Prayers are with you today, Roscoe.

Melody, I'm so glad that in the midst of our sorrows, we can be a help to someone else. I love that your story has so many facets to it, so that anyone could truly be blessed by what you have to share.



My cousin got married this past Saturday, and I was glad to be able to just enjoy a wedding. Walked into the foyer of the church and there sat pictures of our loved ones who had gone on to meet their reward as a tribute for the wedding. I hadn't planned on crying, but there I was standing in the foyer of a church wedding, tears running!  They are worth the tears we shed now and 20 years from now.   I'm thankful for family that I can cry over!

---

On a completely other note, I am looking for some suggestions on two different types of books. Supplemental reading, if you will. I would really hope that these are mostly Apostolic materials.

First, I would like suggestions on a (simple or comprehensive) bible study for my husband and myself to do.  Not just like the "Bible Study in a Bag" that we had as youth, but a little more 'meaty.' 

Second, I would like suggestions on some altar working material. I don't even know if that's really something you can read about, but it's something I know is a weak area of my walk because I struggle with people hearing me pray or what they might think, etc.

Thanks if you're able to help me out!

[Lynx]

I don't know about books but I used to care a lot about what people might think about what I was praying at the altar. I determined I would not get over it without doing something about it, so I started going out in the woods to pray by myself. After I got accustomed to talking to God, then I didn't really give a flying flitter what people heard when I was praying at the altar.

[Roscoe]

It was amazing today. A simple little service, for a little lady that had simple tastes. My mama would've been embarrassed by the nice things said about her, and so many good friends showed up. I looked up to see Mini and two friends from Oklahoma who'd driven over. Among all of my other friends and family, they kept me from losing it completely as I spoke. Then, they stuck around, walked through the fall swap meet, and came back to my house for a glass of tea and fellowship.
Without them, I would've crawled away by myself. They kept me laughing, kept me involved, kept me from dwelling and crying. They were just what I needed today. Them, and the prayers from all of you and my other friends. In a time of loss, you really discover who your friends are. I have discovered that I have friends who I am not worthy of, friends who are amazing. It blows my mind that someone who is as introverted in person as I feel could somehow acquire this many people who love me. Truly, I am blessed.

[sunlight]

Ike and Nelle... I understand what you are talking about and am dealing with that right now as well.

Roscoe- we wish we could just call into work and come up there for a bit, but if you ever need a free place to get away to for a weekend or anything, know you always have a place here... We have the camper we could let you guys hang out in... Or the boat... Or the garage. Lol.

[SippinTea]

You've always got a place to stay in Oregon, too, Roscoe. But that's probably considerably further away than what will be helpful right now. I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I had something helpful to say.

[mini]

You have a place to stay in Oklahoma too... And I won't even make you preach.

[Lynx]

You've always got a place to stay in Oregon, too, Roscoe. But that's probably considerably further away than what will be helpful right now. I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I had something helpful to say.

Actually a long road trip up to Oregon in Rusty seems exactly what is indicated right now...

[Roscoe]

Guys, ya'll are amazing. I wish I could do a Chel-pre-marriage and just bounce around spending time with each of y'all. Of course, that would probably take care of the excess number of friends.
Seriously, thanks.

I went today and took care of the Social Security thing, then loaded up Rusty, picked up mama's ashes and took them to the little family cemetery in the country where Daddy is buried. Kim, Chey and I buried them, had a good cry, and prayed. God came down and just wrapped us up.
It's all finished, with the exception of probate on mama's tiny piece of land. It may take a while for that to be finalized, due to the state having the option to stake a claim.
At any rate- I haven't totally collapsed.  God's mercy and grace are fresh every morning and because of this, and your prayers- I've got this.

[sunlight]

You could never be me thankfully. But I seriously doubt you would lose friends by doing that. I think you would have just more friends in more places.

[Heather]

It's been a weird week. I've decided to take on a 2nd job at the college to help with the bills. Also, our university decided Brandon had had enough financial aid and withdrew all his funds for this semester. They will let him stay in his classes as it's his last of undergraduate work but before they will release his transcripts to apply for grad school, we have to come up with 2600-2900 bucks. Frustrated doesn't even begin to cover it.....

I'm currently holed up at the college library trying to get some of this homework done. I get to distracted at home to get much done.

2 weeks until a glorious week eating sandwiches and cereal at the beach [because we are too poor to go, but we need a break.]!

[mini]

*enters*

*waves at everyone*

*insults roscoe*

*leaves*

[Lynx]

mini is burning out, I see. Can't even take time to think up an insult, just puts up a generic one. 

Kinda reminds me of one time in chat when two people wanted to argue but couldn't be bothered to find something to argue about.
http://bash.org/?23396

[sunlight]

Some strong language there.

[MelodyB]

Hello.

[MsJennJenn]

Hello.

* MsJennJenn attack hugs!

[Roscoe]

Was busy today. First day back at work and tons to do. Appears like I shall never get caught back up...

[Lynx]

Some strong language there.

Aye, that's why I didn't copy-paste it here.

Was busy today. First day back at work and tons to do. Appears like I shall never get caught back up...

"And I know the feeeeeeliiiiiiiing..."

But eventually I do get caught up. But there never seems to be a way to get ahead of work so I won't get behind next time. That's what really bugs me.

[Roscoe]

Well. Made it through yesterday, enjoyed the company of a friend passing through, and have returned for day 2 of the week. Appointments and meetings all day. I might get something done if they'd stop wasting time trying to decide how to do something and just let us do it...lol

[SippinTea]

*randomly waves at random friends*

[sunlight]

:randomly waves back to random people waving: