Family Nagging

[apsurf]

Rather than put this into the parenting or family section, since I am single and no aspects of it ever changing; I placed it here.

I had to go to the hospital to see an aunt that I have never met that is given only a month to live.
While there I met several of my birth father's kin.  And in the course of the conversations, it comes up the usual questions, are you married, do you have kids, do you plan to marry and have kids.  Apparently they want the family bloodline to continue.  Of course i get it from my adopted parents as well, "when are you going to have grandkids?"

for some reason, none can accept the decision I had to come to some years back, and they want a very detailed explaination.  they can't accept I don't want to tell them everything of how that decision was made.

1. It has been a desire to have a family, and it is very strong.
2. But I have seen enough of my bloodline that I don't want to pass down their traits to any offspring.
3. I see enough of those traits and health problems in me, that it scares me at times.
4. I know having a family would keep me from being able to serve the church in the full time capacity I want to do so.

5.  I know because of a choice long ago (rather not go into all the details about it-some have already been said in the above 1-4) but, that I can work around kids, help kids, but am not to ever have children of my own.
It is something that is personal that comes from a lot of prayer.   while I will not actively seek not to have a child, i will not ever seek to produce a child (or adopt either).
If God grants that I father a child or a child comes into my life to raise, I will do everything in my power to take care of the child/children, and will care for them....But otherwise, I have chosen to  not have children.

Unfortunately I know that this decision (among a couple others) has eliminated me from being able to find a life mate as most women desire children, and I have no desire to stand in the way of them finding what they want.

But Why can't people accept this decision, why can't they allow me that space of grace?   It is to the point I am having to cut off alot of contact with certain family members and even other friends.  Can't they eventually just let the matter lie, and not bring it up every time I see them?

[Chseeads]

Somebody's always going to nag you...if it wasn't other family members now, it would be your wife if you were married. 

*cough*

[Ashlee]

I can offer you a solution, but it won't be on you like.  I have a friend who has decided not to have children.  His reasons are somewhat varied from yours, but he does have the same "I don't want to carry on my bloodline" thing. 

His solution.  He decided he was gay and then everyone left him alone about kids.  *shrug*  I don't suggest you try that, but it's about the only thing that will stop people from asking you all those questions.

Either that, or get married and have kids. 

[MelodyB]

I can offer you a solution, but it won't be on you like.  I have a friend who has decided not to have children.  His reasons are somewhat varied from yours, but he does have the same "I don't want to carry on my bloodline" thing. 

His solution.  He decided he was gay and then everyone left him alone about kids.  *shrug*  I don't suggest you try that, but it's about the only thing that will stop people from asking you all those questions.

Either that, or get married and have kids. 

Thats exactly what happend with my friend. He didnt want kids, everyone kept nagging him about marraige and kids, and finally he "came out". He has told me that some of the reason he did was because of all the nagging and things, some other reasons too, but yeah...the nagging played a huge factor in it.  *shakes head*

[Sis]

Questions like that have been considered rude as of late. You could try the Dear Abby thing and when someone asks you something like that, just look at them with a sour look on your face and say, "Now why would you ask me a question like THAT?" and walk away.

[SippinTea]

I like the answer: "If you were someone who needed to know the answer to that question, you wouldn't have to be asking."

They may not like such a blunt answer, but as long as it's said with a smile, they shouldn't feel you were _too_ abrasive.

And even if they are offended by your reply, worst case scenario--they leave in a huff. In which case, you still win. *grin*

[apsurf]

Ashley, what your friend did.....that has me laughing.....I could just see the current list of questions finally stopping, but boy, would a whole other series start! LOL!

[Ashlee]

*shrug*  Beggars can't be choosers. 

[Amelia Bedelia]

Q. why aren't you married?
A. *big grin* he/she is still To Be Determined (I write TBD on any form that asks spouse info)

Q. when are you getting married?
A. *big grin* ASAP. (aka as soon as God sees fit)

Q. don't u want to have kids?
A. for guys this is easy *big grin* naw I think its better I leave that job to the women
us gals can just say sure! but that God declined a rerun, one immaculate conception was enough and He had other things for u do now anyway

key point is the grin... if they can tell your childless singledom is a point of dispair of course they are gonna bug you as to why you haven't altered your situation and made yourself happier... and singles that aren't desperate will avoid a despondent single like the plague

I think people can understand when life simply hasn't worked out like that... its our feelings and mindset because we can't figure out why life hasn't worked out like that which cause these lines of questioning to be such a pain

you don't have to come up with reasons and justifications, it only makes it worse and u defensive

nobody truly belives anyone that claims they don't want more money, how it might mess up their relationships with people, spoil their family whatever.... everyone knows if they won the lottery they'd take the money and deal with the consequences

same with being single and trying to convince people its really your choice, most won't buy it, just figure you haven't won the lottery so to speak

accept it and enjoy it, if it ends great, if it doesn't, then at least u enjoyed it and didn't mope and have a chip on your shoulder about it

just my two cents...
peace!

[Sis]

when my father kept saying I needed a husband and I needed to get married, I told him I wasn't going out with anyone. Then I said, "Do you want me to walk down Main Street and grab one and say, 'we're getting hitched'?"

[Ashlee]

Just my luck he'd either be married or gay.  *sigh*

[Sis]

Just my luck he'd either be married or gay.  *sigh*

My luck it would be a bank robber. 

[Ashlee]

At least he'd be rich. *shrug*

[Sis]

At least he'd be rich. *shrug*

My luck he'd be arrested and the money taken away. 

[The Purple Fuzzy]

Just my luck he'd either be married or gay.  *sigh*

[EricShane]

I can Relate...


People will *always* nag... no matter what


People will *always* talk about you - just for different reasons.


the Conclusion = People are Stupid, ignore people... Live your own Life, do your Own Thing... STOP Being a People Pleaser, Because Lately Ive learned I have to Focus On ME, nobody else is going to.

[Brother Dad]

For what ever reason a person chooses to marry or stay single it is none of my business.  I learned along time ago it is not meant for every one to get married.  We know Paul didn't marry so if a person makes such a choice then God Bless them.  As far as people been nosey you will always have that problem.
For example How many kids you going to have.  Why did you stop at two.  Don't you think three is too many and so on.  We make decision we live with them.  Others will never know our heart.

[MelodyB]

*HUGS* Mary...that was an awesome post!


I am not really LOOKING for a husband. When I meet guys, I dont automatically think if he could be a future husband for me. Now, some guys, after I get to know them a little, I start thinking, but I am not actively looking for one.

My parents are some of the nagging kind on this topic...well...my Mom actually. Dad doesnt care. He has said a few things on what type of man would not be acceptable, but if I fell in love with that type of man, well, he would have to deal with it cause I dont discriminate. But for the most part, Dad is happy with me just as I am, and Mom is the one who has a cow and bugs me all the time about marraige and kids. She seems to think that while my brothers married and had children, and she didnt get much say so in the upbringing of the kids, she thinks that when I have any, she will be able to do what she wants...for instance, my oldest brother had a daughter, and they didnt want her to dress frilly and all girlyfied, so they bought her little outfits that I thought were great and cute, but Mom griped and complained that she looked more like a boy than a girl. (all behind my brothers back of course, she gushed and gushed over the baby when she was in front of them) and with my other brother, she complains about everything too, even down to what they feed the kids. She says they would behave more if they ate this, or not eat that. I have been with them and my brother and his wife are not neglecting those kids, and they eat fairly healthy, but my Mom always has something to say.

She thinks, that when I get married and have kids, that she is going to plant herself here and run my life and raise and dress the kids the way SHE wants. Well, thats not gonna happen. I have a very odd taste in clothes, and no one ever likes what I like, but I dont care. I am me, and my children are gonna be dressed and raised the way that I want. If I ever have them.

The way Mom acts and carrys on about it, I really dread marraige and children cause I dont want to have to fight with her over it all the time. We argue enough about everything else, I dont wanna add to the pile. Its almost worth NOT getting married, just to keep her from being that way. Or trying to.

[Sis]

Well, y'all should tell your parents that they should be glad you didn't go messin' around when you were 16 and became parents then. They would've been pretty embarrassed by that.

Mel, if you have kids, move FAR away from your mother if you think she's going to take over.

I babysat for a couple in NY where the mother-in-law, the guy's parents, actually, run things. They come to "visit" three times a year for two months at a time, taking the master bedroom, leaving mom and dad to sleep on a mattress on the floor of the living room.  They buy the kids everything they'll ever want in their whole lives, they let the kids do whatever they want. They bought the THREE-YEAR-OLD boy one of those little cars with a motor. He couldn't even reach the pedals.  What are they getting him when he's 16?
*Shakes head*

I want to shake them and yell in their faces to BACK OFF! They had their turn to parent, so they should let their kids be the parents of their own kids. You wait a long time to get married and have kids and  your inlaws practically move in and run things for you?  *Shivers*

[Newsman]

   Talking honestly here, I flirt and joke with enough women, one would think I'm immune from being thought of as a hermit, or worse. I go out on a date or two a year, usually have a nice and attractive date at the stations Christmas party, etc.

   From lunch today, I'm not sure even that keeps people form making the semi-snide questioning of you.


John

[Sis]

So did you ever find your wife?  You've been looking for a long time now.   

[Newsman]

   I told the church yesterday that, if they saw my wife, to tell her she's fired. I then explained to our visitors how, though I've never been married, that it doesn't prevent me from blaming a lot of things on my non-existent wife!


John 

[apsurf]

I haven't always minded someone asking why I was still single or why I chose not to ever have children, but it is when they don't accept the answers given as being valid that makes me mad.

While visiting some relatives today that came to visit my grandma, 3 of my cousin's kids were there after school let out, and my aunt turned and said, "there you go, you need 3 daughters like them."  I just smiled.   I was thinking " OH great, here we go again"....but that was all that was said.  but that particular aunt I don't mind at all.

[Sis]

Yeah, it's like when you say, "Don't take my picture" they say, "Oh piffle" and do it anyway.  Why can't people just take a person at their word?

[upcchris]

*Shrugs* humans are shellfish...sorry...selfish, they see the world the way they want and expect everyone to cooperate and don't listen/care when they don't/disagree because they'll do what they want anyway.

I know my mum wants grandkids, but I know my mum would make a cute grandma...just waiting for mr just right, and hoping I'm mature enough to recognize him when he rocks up.