First year of marriage

[Amelia Bedelia]

Unmet expectations...

that makes sense

well then... I guess I'll expect him to plunk on the couch, not help with anything and be a lazy sloppy bum
that way I can't be disappointed!!


I guess I always figured you'd talk about things like mowing the yard, chores, how many days between laundering the sheets, empting the trash etc. beforehand the same time and way you'd discuss and draw up a budget

its like any other good business merger... takes planning and communication to make it go smoothly

[nicolejoy]

I never told my hubby that if something broke, I expected him to get out the superglue immediately and fix it right there and then... in fact, I didn't even KNOW that I expected him to do that, until he DIDN'T

There's so many little things like that - I don't think it's POSSIBLE to ever discuss them all!!

Berny expected me to always have his washing done for him and to not let the dirty clothes build up - that's what his mum did. I rather leave it a few days and wash a couple of big loads all at once - that's what my mum did. Neither way it "right" or "wrong" - but when we were first married, we had a couple of tense moments talking about it

[Amelia Bedelia]

I never told my hubby that if something broke, I expected him to get out the superglue immediately and fix it right there and then...

actually being a "fix it now" or a "fix it later" type is something I notice... my dad is a "fix it now" my mom is a "fix it later when it fits in my schedule"  Its something that they still have trouble adjusting too.... so thats always been on my list of things to notice
I have some agents that do what I ask immediately or within the deadline... and others that just don't care and that I have to push back deadlines for... but I refuse to nag... I'll ask once, remind once... then leave it alone and/or figure out a way to do it myself.   I plan full well on having a conversation on how to handle the timeline of things that need to get done because I never ever ever ever ever want to be a position where I feel like I have to resort to nagging.... if I know his timing then I'll know how far in advance to ask, and how long to wait before noticing if it got done...... and I don't plan on marrying a type like the flake at my work that practices his golf swing and plays poker rather than get me information on time.    lol

Berny expected me to always have his washing done for him and to not let the dirty clothes build up - that's what his mum did. I rather leave it a few days and wash a couple of big loads all at once - that's what my mum did.

again... I've had to watch my parents decide this one and its high on my list of expectations to find out about

I guess yet again I see it through the eyes of business... just like I want a detailed job description where I work so that I know what to do to get good job performance ratings... I want details from my husband on how to keep him happy... and I know its all the little things that add up that matter

[okieoliveoyl]

I'm with juju on this one.  I think the whole "horrid first year" passed Logan and I by.  I was more concerned about getting to live in a new state - 12 hours away from any of my friends/family, having a husband, being married to be worried about any of the small stuff.   I didn't care what way Logan left the toilet seat...we're both old enough to know how to use it (as scott said..lol).  We didn't have a washer and dryer, so I did laundry once a week at his parents house...their idea...which worked much better for me than a laundry mat (or whatever those places are called).  

I think because of the stars that resided in my eyes for the first year, nothing went wrong.  Honestly, our second year has been much rougher.  Even though in our first year, we made the decision to move back to Oklahoma, that hasn't compared to buying our first home, remodeling the house, discovering we are going to be parents...and dealing with my hormones. lol.  Logan has been an angel through my pregnancy, and i can honestly say that if I hadn't been pregnant, our second year would have most likely been as blissful as the first.  I'm sure we would have had a few minor tiffs here and there...but nothing that couldn't have been resolved in a few minutes.  

One thing logan and i started before we got married...and still continue to this day...is a journal.  We write each other letters in it and share our good and bad days...our feelings...our "i'm sorry" letters if something has gone wrong.  It's wonderful to come home and see that journal laying somewhere in plain sight...and know...I have a letter!!!  I love going back and re-reading all the ones that we have wrote so far..and seeing how far we've come...recalling everything we've experinced while dating and through our marriage.  

I know that as we embark on our third year...things will definately be differant.  We'll be parents.... all of our major decisons won't be just about whats best for us any more.. we'll have a child to consider.  We'll have to try harder at things, but i know we can do it. 

*p.s. Happy 2 year anniversary Logan... I love you!!!*

[M‡¢ĦÆŁ Ҝ]

I think the whole "horrid first year" passed Logan and I by.

The first year was by no means "horrid".  In fact, it was a logn way from "horrid".  It's just that, in relation to the following years, it is the year that requires the most adjustment and most understanding.  As much as my wife and I had to work to "learn" each other, we were very happy and would not even come close to calling that year "horrid".  I wouldn't even call it "bad".  "Challenging", maybe, but not in a negative way.

[nicolejoy]

I was about to write exactly that, Michael - it wasn't horrid - it was AWESOME - but there was sooooo much MAJOR adjusting to do!! but it was fun too I like learning new stuff

[myhaloisintheshop]

Our first year wasn't bad....it just took a lot of time to adjust.   

[rapunzelgirl]

Our first year was fabulous!  Everyone had me so scared with horror stories, and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as people said.  I told my husband on our one year anniversary that if this was going to be the worst year I couldn't wait to experience the rest. 

Some things that made it not so bad were: 
- We were engaged and dated for a long time before we were married.  It was good for us.  We knew each other as friends for 3 years, dated for 1 year, and were engaged for almost 2 years (I was finishing college).  By the time we got married we knew each other (and we each knew ourselves) VERY well and had been through very throrough pre-marital counseling with our pastor.
- I was used to sharing a bathroom with sisters who were way more inconsiderate than my husband on his worst day.  Our apartment had two full baths, so I was actually ecstatic about having my own bathroom.
- We lived in an apartment when we were first married.  I didn't stress about decorating it because it was temporary.  We had no yard nor household repairs to worry about.  We got to figure out together how we wanted to "keep house."  Now, when we bought our house we had some heated discussions about furniture and decor, but nothing major.

[Deut6v4]

My husband and I were high school sweethearts.  We were together for 5 years before we tied the knot.  We had extensive premarital counseling. 

And our first year was very rough.  Not because of the nitpicky chores/toilet seat/laundry issues, but because he decided he wanted to go back to school, which was totally NOT in the game plan.  He was working full time, and then went to school four nights a week.  Then there was church on Sunday.   I rarely got to see him, and when I did, he would rather read a book to "unwind" then to actually spend any time with me.  That was my first experience with his high-maintenanceness.  Eventually, it got so bad between us because I never saw him, and when I did, he'd rather read than spend time with me, that we were in the pastor's office contemplating a trial separation.  It woke Chris up and he decided that his new family was more important to him, and he quit school.  I'm thankful that he did, because we have a wonderful marriage now. 

We just celebrated 9 years this past September.   We still argue from time to time.  Sometimes about chores.  Sometimes about money.  Mostly about stuff like the fact that he can't be on time for anything, or that I am too optimistic.  But we have a relationship that will stand up to any test, and I think that we are that much stronger for weathering that first year.

~ Tara

[Envelope]

Hey angel of the Lordz....Read   "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by dr Laura Schlessinger.....it's a great  book....and gives practical suggestions on marriage.....  Of course some don't like her, but I love her common sense and down to earth advice.....

sharon

[Amelia Bedelia]

Oh yeah I liked that book too Envelope!
After hearing Nic recommend His Needs Her Needs so much on here I read that a couple months ago.. and I see why she recommends it! 

[RandyWayne]

Another good book that my pastor "made" us read just before our wedding was "Intended for Pleasure". 
He also gave the book to my youngest sister before her wedding.  My dad insisted on reading it first and concluded it was "a good book" while blushing the whole time.

[okieoliveoyl]

A book that both my husband and i read before we got married, was "Act of Marriage."   A great book that is biblically based!!!  Some of my friends who have gotten married, their pastor made them read that as part of their pre marital counseling sessions.

[Scott]

Our first year was difficult mainly to job issues. I was promised a brand new job, with good pay and decent benefits. I took an apartment and moved to this small town.

The week after the wedding they told me that they gave the job to someone else. The son of the owners friend. It was almost 9 months before we could leave that town - working only 20 hours per week at a minimum wage job.

[Heather]

i just want to say i've enjoyed reading this post because i'm getting married in april 2007....not worried about getting married....more worried about killing each other afterwards.... i already have to get on him for getting out of the car everyday [we carpool due to quite a few reasons] and NEVER locking the door. so have to sit in the car til he gets out...then lock it...then he looks at me all offended....grrrrr...

[TRAV]

i just want to say i've enjoyed reading this post because i'm getting married in april 2007....not worried about getting married....more worried about killing each other afterwards.... i already have to get on him for getting out of the car everyday [we carpool due to quite a few reasons] and NEVER locking the door. so have to sit in the car til he gets out...then lock it...then he looks at me all offended....grrrrr...

SOUNDS GREAT!!!!!! 100% TRUST !!!!!   

[dnr1128]

Our first year wasn't that bad.  But, we were practically married for a year before then anyway...I would spend pretty much every weekend at her house.  Her folks let me sack out in the middle room.  Most of our fights were a result of stress, not necessarily disagreements between the two of us.  A couple months after we married I lost my job, and I was idle for about three weeks.  God didn't wire me to handle being idle very well, so that made me kinda flip out sometimes over little stuff that she did that normally didn't bug me. 

Most of the friction that we have had has been over money;  not really how to handle it, but the recordkeeping thereof.  When I was in college I got my first checking account, and I developed ways of keeping track of receipts.  At the time of purchase, I put the receipt in my wallet, then periodically record it and put the receipts in envelopes.  I still have pretty much every debit card receipt I've ever gotten.  Really only about 15 envelops in the bottom of a drawer, so not that much.  In a year or so I'll start throwing them out.  But anyway, I'm kinda weird about that stuff.  My wife however just puts the receipt in her purse.  So when I go to record stuff, she can't find them, or they're out of order, or whathaveyou.  Finally I created a spreadsheet for our checkbook that has really simplified things.  Neither one of us have ever had a credit card, a fact for which we have been very thankful, because there have been times when we would have used it instead of just conserving. 

Most problems in marriage come from not being honest with each other.  To be married, a couple has to be brutally honest with each other, no matter what.  Your feelings are going to get hurt, and you're going to hurt the other person's feelings, so you might as well get used to it, and learn how to handle it.  Your feelings will be ok, but if you're not honest, resentment can fester, which isn't healthy for the relationship. 

[mesipie]

yep, takes awhile, but most men can be trained to PUT THE SEAT DOWN!! 

i'm the only female in my house (except the cat) and somehow i have managed to teach all of my guys that polite society requires them to put the seat down.

or aim directly into the hole...lol

[Tsalagi]

I just can't believe that [most] guys are retarded enough to:

a.) urinate all over everything in a bathroom.

b.) become so enamored of the idea of getting their behind stuck in a cold porcelain ring that they never learn how to flap a stupid toilet seat.

I have never had a problem knowing how to operate the loo, and truthfully don't know anyone who does.

My two cents?  'Men who don't know how to use the bathroom' sounds like an urban legend centered in the Ozarks somewhere...

Ladies, if you have a man who don't know how to use the bathroom like a person instead of an animal, make him go outside.

[Tricia Lea]

yep, takes awhile, but most men can be trained to PUT THE SEAT DOWN!! 

They can?
I have been married 16 years and he STILL hasn't learned that

[newkris]

Ladies, if you have a man who don't know how to use the bathroom like a person instead of an animal, make him go outside.

wouldn't take long to teach that lesson on a good january day in wisconsin . . . 

[alohilani]

Leavin' now... *grin*

[SippinTea]

I have never had a problem knowing how to operate the loo, and truthfully don't know anyone who does.

My  ....

I grew up with three guys in the house, and none of them bothered to put the lid down. We're talking three very intelligent, terrific guys. So I have to conclude that it's not a matter of not knowing how to operate it, it's a matter of whether or not it's important to them.



(Now I'll go back to the single's section where I belong....)

[Amelia Bedelia]

Same here sippin... 

Chris, are you just bragging again about how wonderful you are so more girls will flirt with you?  I don't know if I can handle more competition!   

[Nerd]

Anyone heard that new "Christmas with Crickets" album?



"Crickets chirping in an open thread, sometimes nibble on my toes..."


It's awesome!