First year of marriage

[RandyWayne]

Naw, two inches are not that much, but the big story is that SHE is taller than me which in current society is deemed rather unacceptable.

At 5'6, I do not consider myself extremely vertically challenged but am shorter than the norm. 
However I have always found it the Webster definition of hypocritical that I was always chastised for stating my desire for someone "thin" when women across America were never called to the carpet for their desire for the "tall dark and handsome" man.  Is wanting someone with a Barby Doll figure shallow?  I would say yes.  But on the same token, I would say that a short little petite woman only wanting a guy who is 6'0 or taller, equal or MORE shallow.
If I head ever posted on a personals add "Seeking short, thin, and busty blond", I would have been barraged with angry emails.  But women have been posting similar "want" adds since the dawn of the personals ad.

[angelofthe_lordz]

I've had to learn you have to be careful about what you say when your fighting. I'm one of these people that when i'm mad just leave me alone. Sometimes he wants the reason with me when i'm mad and its like leave me alone. The thing with me is when i'm mad i say hurtful things b/c i don't think b4 i speak.

I guess it just takes a little bit to learn temperments.

Ladies does the toilet seat issue ever change??

[newkris]

yep, takes awhile, but most men can be trained to PUT THE SEAT DOWN!! 

i'm the only female in my house (except the cat) and somehow i have managed to teach all of my guys that polite society requires them to put the seat down.

[angelofthe_lordz]

  There's hope!! 

[Envelope]

LOL.....my hubby puts the seat down.....I didn't have to train him either....LOL

Now I have to be careful when my dad comes over because he NEVER puts the seat down....comes from too many years being a bachelor....

sharon

[Amelia Bedelia]

Enough of the toilet seat debate... toilets should not be left open unless in use... it has a lid for a reason
if you would like a nice visual of what this reason is follow these easy steps

1. Pour red food coloring into (clean) toilet
2. Hold paper towel/napkin above toilet (a foot or two above the open toilet is fine)
3. Flush
4. Inspect paper towel and note the spray

repeat the above steps holding paper towel further and further away from the toilet
now compare the distance from the toilet to where your toothbrushes/hairbrush/whatever are on the sink counter

now use your imagination... pretend it isn't red food coloring but something else that is more commonly found in toilets.... spraying all over the bathroom

shut the LID... not just the seat

[newkris]

eeeeeEEEEEEeewwwwWWWWWwww   

[RandyWayne]

Actually, the Mythbusters tested this very thing out. 

The found that toothbrushes kept right above the toilet had no more "stuff" on them than toothbrushes kept on the sink -or even in another room!  Oh, it was all bad, but short of keeping the toothbrush in a UV chamber between uses, it was impossible to keep it clean.

Food for thought!

[Amelia Bedelia]

yeah toothbrushes are gross and should probably be disposed of after every use  (I don't do that but its tempting)

even in an empty room with nothing but the toilet.... I don't want the spray on the walls and in the air... its disgusting to leave the lid open

[TRAV]

HEY! Let's STAY ON TOPIC! sheeeesh! Now, ahem, where were we......

[newkris]

trav, something you ought to take note of for that very important first year of marriage is that the FEMALE will guide the conversation on many tangents to get a point across.  learning to follow the circle will aid you in becoming a better communicator.

the topic has evolved to .  . how do you make him understand that etiquette is a necessary part of every day life with a happy lady.

right Angel?

[Amelia Bedelia]

HEY! Let's STAY ON TOPIC! sheeeesh! Now, ahem, where were we......

you make such a convincing topic cop 

[JuJu03]

I guess the "Rough" first year curse missed us.  I think it helped that we both lived on our own before getting married.  The only BIG thing was finances because we were both used to doing that on our own.

[TRAV]

trav, something you ought to take note of for that very important first year of marriage is that the FEMALE will guide the conversation on many tangents to get a point across.  learning to follow the circle will aid you in becoming a better communicator.

          


             

[newkris]

that's not a good way to resolve a disagreement, trav.

keep the big guns for real fights.


sheesh yourself.

[Amelia Bedelia]

Okay so aside from the toilet seat... and I don't care about the seat, I want the lid down... if it wasn't for the spray I wouldn't care because I can lower a seat all by myself.  And I can't see actually fussing over it... I'll refer him to that above experiment once and then if he can't change his habits I'll just move my toothbrush and clean the bathroom more often

All of the adjustment tiffs that I hear about... honestly sound rather ridiculous... is it only because I'm single?  I'm sure I'll have adjustment issues... I'm not naive enough to think it will all be smooth sailing but I cannot see myself bickering about cabinets being left open, stuff being left lying around, him treasuring "junk" (I'm a big believer in having a "man room" though), dishes etc.  meaningless stuff

What is it that is actually fueling these disagreements? Is it underlying power struggles? Insecurities?  Or just keyed up  micro-managing types?
Anything that you wish you'd taken care of before you got married that would have made it easier?

Is it things that you just let go beforehand and waited until marriage to fight about?  My coworker has been married for like 2-3 years... and he has always loved fishing... and while they were dating, she "loved" fishing too... now that they have a baby and are married... turns out she doesn't like it as much and its an ordeal for her to let him go fishing.... I think that is totally wrong of her, she knew it going in and thats just wrong to expect him to change... esp. when he thought it was a mutually enjoyed activity!!

[TRAV]

Yeah, AB, it sounds like a case of the "corny love-bird syndrome" that I see some couples in when they are dating where everything is lalalalalalalalala.........and then reality bites them and they come to grips with the things they like and don't like. There's one couple I know where I started to feel sorry for the woman and then I realized that SHE had made the CHOICE to be with him and she knew what she was getting into before she made that decision. When I came to that realization I felt no more sorry or pity. I only shook my head, laughed slightly and was glad that I could just walk away.

[RandyWayne]

Is it things that you just let go beforehand and waited until marriage to fight about?  My coworker has been married for like 2-3 years... and he has always loved fishing... and while they were dating, she "loved" fishing too... now that they have a baby and are married... turns out she doesn't like it as much and its an ordeal for her to let him go fishing.... I think that is totally wrong of her, she knew it going in and thats just wrong to expect him to change... esp. when he thought it was a mutually enjoyed activity!!

This reminds me a lot of my sister and brother-in-law.  She is the one who likes "playing house" and they have three kids.  But, she is completely incapable of watching more than two at any one time.  My brother-in-law has no problems watching all three.... but since she can't, he is not allowed to do ANYTHING.  He gets all sorts of sports (hunting and fishing) equipment every year for birthdays and Christmas, but hardly uses any of it.
I again refer to the wise one himself, James Dobson, to paraphrase "Keep both eyes open wide during the courtship, then close one half way. and the other completely, after the wedding."  I quote it different each time, but the gist is the same.
(I have to say their marriage isn't bad.  They just strike me as a good example of the above quote.)

[Scott]

If you want me to recommend some books, I can - I just need to find them to tell you the title

No amount of books will prepare you for that first year of marriage.

I know that - but when you're in the middle of a "crisis" and don't know what to do to fix it, a book can give you some good ideas... I've always found that books helped me with things like that...

Do you use the book to hit him???

[Amelia Bedelia]

[Scott]

yep, takes awhile, but most men can be trained to PUT THE SEAT DOWN!! 

i'm the only female in my house (except the cat) and somehow i have managed to teach all of my guys that polite society requires them to put the seat down.

no they cannot be trained to put the seat down. It's my right to leave it up if I please.

*shrug*

I don't care about polite society, If I leave it up, I leave it up. For crying out loud it is a TOLIET and people know what you do with it.

*siiiiiiiiiigh*

[RandyWayne]

I am in the process of writing a song to this thread....  Give me a few days and it should be interesting.

"It's da second year of marriage and all da gang is here......"
"I scream and shout and slam da door, but she's always standing der...."
"The only time she turns and leaves is when I fix my car...."
"Ya, da second year of marriage.  Da greatest year so far......"

Da da da dum da dum da dum da dum
<belching sounds>

[Amelia Bedelia]

"corny love-bird syndrome" that I see some couples in when they are dating where everything is lalalalalalalalala.........

how.... icky

they come to grips with the things they like and don't like. There's one couple I know where I started to feel sorry for the woman and then I realized that SHE had made the CHOICE to be with him and she knew what she was getting into before she made that decision.

sticky


and they're stuck!




I'll put the rose colored glasses on when I say I do... but I think I'll try to keep my 20/20 vision until then   

[nicolejoy]

What is it that is actually fueling these disagreements? Is it underlying power struggles? Insecurities?  Or just keyed up  micro-managing types?
Anything that you wish you'd taken care of before you got married that would have made it easier?

You know what I think most of it is??

Unmet expectations... expectations we didn't even really KNOW that we had... but maybe since our Dads look after the yard, we expect our husbands to do that too. We've never talked about it, but that's just what they do, isn't it? I think that probably 80% of our "first year" problems were to do with our expectations not being met.

Some expectations are reasonable - others are TOTALLY unreasonable... And most of them, we don't even realise we HAVE those expectations until after we have some stupid argument and later wonder what it was about...

[myhaloisintheshop]

I agree Nicole.   There are things my dad did and I expected Clint to be the same way.  An example--when anything was needing to be fixed Dad jumped on it immediately...things that were needed immediately Clint would obviously fixed quickly.  But there were things that could wait and it would drive me NUTS when he would put things off til the next day.  Did it matter if it was fixed then?Nope.  It was just different than what I was use to.  *shrug*