It's Tax Time

[taco_harvell]

It's Tax Time
By W. Bruce Cameron

"Tax season" is to taxpayers what "duck season" is to ducks.   A "tax
audit," though, is different-sort of like digging up the duck and shooting
it again.

To avoid tax audits, we employ "accountants," people who can read the tax
code without sobbing.  Their job is to ferret out little-known deductions,
like "D-97Z11: Deduction for Ferrets."  Then you can have a conversation
like this:

Accountant: Congratulations!  You'll be getting a tax refund for $1,112.02
this year because your ferret ate your sofa while Aunt Liddy was sitting on
it.

You: Hooray!

Accountant: My bill for finding this deduction is $3,233.00.  But I'll put
your returns into an attractive binder.

Eventually you'll conclude that Hey I'm As Smart As Any Accountant and Can
Do My Own Taxes, which is probably true, as delusions go, but ignores one
essential truth:  The tax code was written by  accountants.  This is like
playing football in a stadium where the referees are wearing the uniform of
the opposing team.

Even the language has been hijacked.  This year, for example, the tax forms
have been  simplified,  as they have every year since taxes were collected
by having your crops stolen by the sheriff of Nottingham.  In this sense,
"simplified" means that compared to last year, you'll find the new forms
much, much easier to be impossible to figure out.

You basically have three choices for doing your taxes: (a) take the standard
deductions, (b) itemize your deductions, or (c) tie a cement block to your
neck and jump in the river.

If you take the standard deductions, filing your return will go relatively
quickly, but chances are good you'll wind up owing more in taxes than you
actually made.  If you itemize your deductions, you'll save lots of money,
at a rate of about six additional hours for every dollar reclaimed.

If you don't believe me, here are the first few questions on the new
simplified 2009 tax form:

1. What is your current status?  (a) Full-time resident.  (b) Part of the
time I live here, and part of the time I'm dead.  (c) I have a note from my
doctor.

2. IMPORTANT: If you have a family of six or more people living in your
attic without your permission, you must complete form AQ-290-BELFRY.

3. In the movie To Kill A Mockingbird, who played the character "Boo?"

4. If you chew gum on the way to work, you may claim only the first ten
chews.  (See form 21-BBL.)  If you chew two pieces at once, you may double
this deduction (Form 21-DBL-BBL).

5. Do you qualify for a handicapped parking pass?  If so, can we borrow it
this weekend?  What, you think that's a callous thing to ask?  You do
remember that we're the IRS, right?

6. If your home was struck by a hurricane or a tornado, you may deduct the
cost of rebuilding your dwelling in the same place so it will happen again.
If you had a fire, whose fault is that?  Not ours, that's who.  Don't try to
pay us less just because you were careless.  And if kids threw toilet paper
in your trees one night, it means other people in your neighborhood hate you
besides us.

7. Go back three spaces.

8. If you purchased a lotto ticket and then sat around fantasizing about all
the stuff you would buy if you won, you must pay taxes on those items.

9. You must pay x, where (((z " ?p = pn) ? v35) + x) = 8.

10. Frankly, we're sort of disappointed at your income.  We have lots of
programs to pay for, and the money for those come from people just like you
only more successful.  We've also got significant expenses for fraud and
waste.  Do you think maybe you could try a little harder this year?  It
wouldn't hurt you to lose a few pounds, either.

When you've answered these questions, and the 175 others just like them, you
can either (a) file your return electronically, or (b) stuff your return in
a bottle and toss it in the ocean.  Neither method will give you the sense
that your work will ever be seen by another living person.

But that's okay.  If your return is lost, you can always pay an accountant
to file an extension.