Misc. stuff

[taco_harvell]

While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."

[taco_harvell]

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

"Hello. You have reached Nana and Grampa. We're
not able to come to the phone right now. If you
are one of our children, dial 1 and then select
from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who
it is.

If you need us to watch your children, press 2.

If you want to borrow our car, press 3.

If you want us to do your laundry, press 4.

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here
tonight, press 5.

If you want us to pick up the kids at school,
press 6.

If you want us to have you to dinner on Sunday or
to bring it to your house, press 7.

If you need money, press 8.

If you are calling to invite us to dinner or a
movie, start talking; we are listening."

[Lynx]

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

[The Purple Fuzzy]

Those are great!

[EricShane]

yeah my favorite is #9 lol

[taco_harvell]

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.

The first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds like a lot of people are really trying to get out of Ohio.

[EricShane]

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.

The first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds like a lot of people are really trying to get out of Ohio.

well.. I concur with that statement! lol

[taco_harvell]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I'm sure glad I never get that forgetful, knock on wood..."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Lynx]

I don't know if she kept her job, but this excuse takes top prize for honesty.  A lady called in to say she wouldn't be at work.  When asked why, she said, "Well I was driving to work and I suddenly realised I had taken the wrong road... and then I just decided to keep driving."

[taco_harvell]

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

[taco_harvell]

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, "Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

[EricShane]

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

LOL good one!!

[taco_harvell]

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

... Because he felt crummy.

[taco_harvell]

There's two muffins in the oven.

One says "Man! Its burning up in here!"

The other one says "Hey look! A talking Muffin!!!"

[taco_harvell]

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

[taco_harvell]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

[Lynx]

There's two muffins in the oven.

One says "Man! Its burning up in here!"

The other one says "Hey look! A talking Muffin!!!"

At one youth retreat-ish gathering here in Tennessee there was one young man who told a variation of this joke over and over.  He was the only one who laughed at it, everyone else just looked at him oddly.  He told the joke every time someone else walked up... at least 25 times before I walked away.  That's why we looked at him oddly.

[taco_harvell]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold  or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied.  'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting alot of firewood'

[taco_harvell]

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

[taco_harvell]

Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.

[Babs]

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

lol

[taco_harvell]

My family wanted to do something to honor my nephew, a Ranger with the Army's 101st Airborne, who had been sent to Iraq. So, with the help of her four-year-old grandson, Chandler, my sister tied a yellow ribbon on the tree in her front yard. "Why are we doing this, Grandma?" Chandler asked.

"It's for your uncle," she said.

As he watched his grandmother attach the bow, Chandler remarked quietly, "A tree's not much of a present."

[taco_harvell]

True Answer

Teacher:  Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria:  Here it is.
Teacher:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class:  Maria.

[taco_harvell]

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court,

each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having

in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed,

"Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

[taco_harvell]

George: "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."

Fred: "What did she say?"

George: "No!"