Quotes

[EricShane]

Note the first line. >.>

I wish I wrote those. I wish I could lay claim to a fraction of the stuff that man has penned.

Enjoyable none the less.

sorry, im to poor to pay attention. lol

[Sis]

[Sis]

*Bump*

[The Purple Fuzzy]

Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are  XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.  For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.....'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young...  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it's called golf.

[upcchris]

The smiley is an attack on writers and readers alike. If it is funny, it doesn't need a smiley. If it is not funny, a smiley won't help it – Jim Showfelter (I personally don't agree with this) 

What's another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright

First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then...we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realised it's a brochure – Douglas Adams

If it's green, it's biology, if it stinks, it's chemistry, if it has numbers, it's math, if it doesn't work, it's technology – Unknown

To err is human – but for a real disaster you need a computer – Unknown

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense – Tom Clancy

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted – Steven Wright

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true – James Branch Cabell

We don't live in a world of reality; we live in a world of perceptions – Gerald J. Simmons

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim – Edsgar W. Dijkstra

You think you know when you learn, are more sure when you can write, even more when you can teach, but certain when you can program – Alan J. Perlis

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather – Michael Pritchard

Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics i.e. it always increases. – Norman R. Augustine

Speak when you are angry – and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret – Laurence J. Peter

Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest – Mark Twain

Science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else we do – Donald Knuth

The best computer is a human being – the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labour – Wernher Von Braun

Contrary to popular belief, UNIX is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who it decides to make friends with – Unknown

Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting for centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing – John A. Holmes

Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks – Unknown

The Internet is so big, so powerful, and so pointless, that, for some people, it is a complete substitute for life – Andrew Brown

[upcchris]

http://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/

He's got an awesome sense of humor.

True.


What he didn't like about heroes was that they were usually suicidally gloomy when sober and homicidally insane when drunk. Colour of Magic

Twoflower was a tourist, the first ever seen on the Discworld. Tourist, Rincewind had decided, meant "idiot."

'We've strayed into a zone with a high magical index,' he said. 'Don't ask me how. Once upon a time a really powerful magic field must have been generated here, and we're feeling the after-effects.'
'Precisely,' said a passing bush.

'It is forbidden to fight on the Killing Ground,' he said, and paused while he considered the sense of this. 'You know what I mean, anyway...'

I've seen excitement, and I've seen boredom. And boredom was best.

The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

The disc, being flat, has no real horizon. Any adventurous sailor who got funny ideas from staring at eggs and oranges for too long and set out for the antipodes soon learned that the reason why distant ships sometimes looked as though they were disappearing over the edge of the world was that they were disappearing over the edge of the world.

Of course I'm sane, when trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.

Ankh-Morpork! Pearl of cities! This is not a completely accurate description, of course — it was not round and shiny — but even its worst enemies would agree that if you had to liken Ankh-Morpork to anything, then it might as well be a piece of rubbish covered with the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc.

She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.

Knowledge = Power = Energy = Matter = Mass. A library is just a genteel black hole that can read

"You're dead," he said. Keli waited. She couldn't think of any suitable reply. "I'm not" lacked a certain style, while "Is it serious?" seemed somehow too frivolous.

'And what would humans be without love?'
RARE, said Death.

It wasn't blood in general he couldn't stand the sight of, it was just his blood in particular that was so upsetting.

'I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!' he hissed. 'I'm afraid of grounds!'
'You mean heights,' said Conina. 'And stop being silly.'
'I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!'

'Quick, you must come with me,' she said. 'You're in great danger!'
'Why?'
'Because I will kill you if you don't.'

All assassins had a full-length mirror in their rooms, because it would be a terrible insult to anyone to kill them when you were badly dressed.

The Ephebians made wine out of anything they could put in a bucket, and ate anything that couldn't climb out of one.

People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else."

The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the date last shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality

Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.

'Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind.'

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

[Sis]

These days, this one is really true:  "A penny saved is a government oversight."

[Heather]

i love Steven Wright. he has some of the best lines ever.

[sunlight]

'Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind.'

:grin:

[Sis]

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses so nobody will recognize him.  ~  Fred Allen

You can observe a lot by watching  ~  Yogi Berra

There's one way to find out if a man is honest.  Ask him and if he says "yes" you know he's crooked.  ~  Groucho Marx

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.  ~  Marty Allen

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.   ~  Will Rogers

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.  ~  Mark Twain

I'm an Idealist. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.  ~  Carl Sandburg

A straw vote only shows which way the hot air is blowing.  ~  O. Henry

[JoyGirl]

 

[The Purple Fuzzy]

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
something.  -- Jackie Mason

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she
gets, the more interested he is in her.  -- Agatha Christie

[The Purple Fuzzy]

Change
=======

Men marry women hoping that they won't change.
Women marry men hoping that they will change.
Both are usually severely disappointed.

[Sis]

Change
=======

Men marry women hoping that they won't change.
Women marry men hoping that they will change.
Both are usually severely disappointed.

Ain't that the truth?

[Jon Lanning]

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"  ahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funniest thing I have heard in a long time!!

[The Purple Fuzzy]

That was a good one.

[Sis]

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"  ahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funniest thing I have heard in a long time!!

Something like this?   

[iridiscente]

The country's population is about 13 million (not including chickens and quetzales) as of July 2009. http://www.all-about-guatemala.com/gp

[rootbeer]

Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then poop on your car.

I always thought it should be "birds of the same feather."

[Sis]

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. ~ Groucho Marx

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. ~ Bill Cosby

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. ~ Yogi Berra

[The Purple Fuzzy]