Quotes

[Sis]

I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."   Joan Rivers.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'."   Charlie Brown.

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."  George Burns.

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
Dennis Wholey.

Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it.  Pope John Paul II

No longer possessed by possessions, we may become open enough to become possessed by God.   David Adam

[yosemite]

nyuke,nyuke,nyuke- curly, three stuges!!

[Sis]

nyuke,nyuke,nyuke- curly, three stuges!!

[Sis]

Yogi Berra

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

It was pretty good. Even the music was nice
~~said after attending an opera.

Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.

[yosemite]

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
Mark Twain

[iridiscente]

"Besides that model they have wearing it does not know how to apply mascara. She looks like a startled puma."

[The Purple Fuzzy]

This really happened and it made me laugh so hard.

An oilfiled worker went into a convenience store.  The girl that was working didn't have enough clothes on and the ones that she had on were too small, so she was bulging out of them in places.  She also was very pale.  When the oilfield worker went up to pay for his stuff, she made some snide remark about him being "oilfield trash".  He looked at her and said "Well, you look like a busted can of biscuits".    

[iridiscente]

BOL!

[Sis]

I remember a line from a Ma & Pa Kettle movie. They were invited to a society party and Ma knew this woman had her strapless dress made just for the occasion.

Ma looked at the society lady and said, "Honey, I'm sorry they didn't finish your dress in time for the party."

[The Purple Fuzzy]

   That's funny.

[iridiscente]

  That's funny.

lol... yes!

[iridiscente]

"Life is full of missed opportunities."
Elona

[Sis]

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

[The Purple Fuzzy]

 

[Ashlee]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. 

  I loooovvvee this one!

[Sis]

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where is the ceiling.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

[The Purple Fuzzy]

Those are great! 

[Sis]

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

[The Purple Fuzzy]

That's funny.

[iridiscente]

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
teehee...

[Sis]

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

[CDAGeek]

From the mind of Terry Pratchett...

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking.

Stupid men are often capable of things the clever would not dare to contemplate...

Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.

Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street- cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.

My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them. My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat :-)

It gets worse. I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.

However, you do need rules. Driving on the left (or the right or, in parts of Europe, on the left and the right as the mood takes you) is a rule which works, since following it means you're more likely to reach your intended rather than your final destination.

Every procedure for getting a cat to take a pill works fine -- once. Like the Borg, they learn...

Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: 'Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?'

I think that sick people in Ankh-Morpork generally go to a vet. It's generally a better bet. There's more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say "it was god's will" when granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow.

In Reading [England] there is this thing called the IDR, short for "Inner Distribution Road", which is bureaucratese for "Big thing that cost a lot of money and relieves traffic problems, provided all your traffic wants to orbit the town centre permanently". It's a 2-3 lane dual carriageway that goes round the town centre. It has lots of roundabouts, an overhead section, a couple of spare motorway-like exits (that's British motorways -- y'know, the roundabout with the main road going under it), and a thing called the Watlington Street Gyratory, where you have to get in lane for your intended destination about three years and two corners before you get there with no signposting. I used to cycle along it every day to get to school, before I fell off at 35 mph. [Kids! Don't try this at home!] I know it well. I believe it is impossible to leave Reading heading west.

'Educational' refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

I once absend-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.

Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...

You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average people two hundred years ago "Would you be happy in a world where medical care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, travelling even 100 miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you don't have to die of dental abcesses and you don't have to do what the squire tells you" they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and say 'yes'.

I must confess the the activities of the UK governments for the past couple of years have been watched with frank admiration and amazement by Lord Vetinari. Outright theft as a policy had never occured to him.

I reckon that Stonehege was build by the contemporary equivalent of Microsoft, whereas Avebury was definitely an Apple circle.

I think I would like to go into modelling. Of course, I don't know how to do it, and wouldn't be any good at it if I did, so I'm going to employ someone to walk the catwalks on my behalf. It would still be me, of course...

    -- Terry learns Naomi Campbell has written a book.

Have a bit more patience with newbies. Of course some of them act dumb -- they're often students, for heaven's sake.

Death isn't on line. If he was, there would be a sudden drop in the death rate. Although it'd be interesting to see if he'd post things like: DON'T YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE JAMES EARL JONES?

'They can ta'k our lives but they can never ta'k our freedom!' Now there's a battle cry not designed by a clear thinker...

I found while driving in Wyoming that wearing a stetson and driving a beat-up pickup meant you could go as fast as you like, while the police picked up Californian winnebagos that went one mph over 55. After all, they wanted to bring money into the state, not merely circulate it.

It's not Brits who think American readers are a bunch of whinging morons with the geo-social understanding of a wire coathanger, it's American editors.

[EricShane]

wow, did you write those!? those are awesome.. I LOVE

Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.

[CDAGeek]

Note the first line. >.>

I wish I wrote those. I wish I could lay claim to a fraction of the stuff that man has penned.

Enjoyable none the less.

[iridiscente]

http://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/

He's got an awesome sense of humor.