Stories, testimonies, advice, prayer and encouragement.

[Niki]

My testimony song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fx3l2DMDh4

[RainbowJingles]

Niki: I just heard your talk/behaved sig line quote the other day on "New Life Live" radio show.  I thought someone on there had coined the phrase.  It's really good.

[SippinTea]

Niki, I just wanted you to know I thought of you and prayed for you today.

~Ruby

[Niki]

Thank you.

[newkris]

i've read through your posts on and off the last several weeks and debated if i should say anything or not. 

i have a lot of experience walking the same path that you're on.  you are learning things about God that no one can ever take from you and your relationship with Him will grow exponentially.  keep trusting.  keep believing.  keep walking with Him.

you're right that you're still alive.  feeling may not be exactly what you want to do most of the time, but keep feeling.  keep reminding yourself that you are alive and your life has a purpose.  there is more to you than what is experiencing this sadness. 

focus on the good things. 

your kids realize more than you think.  be conscious of helping them, too. 

and pray.  be transparent before God and those He gives you to share this path with you.  you're really not alone.  look around and see who God has given you to help hold you up. 

it might be a long walk, but be still and know that God is with you. 

[Niki]

Thank you.

I'm trying my hardest to hold on and not give up. I want my life to be happy again. There are parts of it that make me happy, but I'm not as happy as I was when I had my husband. I want a life of love and joy again. I miss it more than I could ever say. I want my husband to love me and to hold me and to be here with me.

[newkris]

Psalm 23
1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever

[Niki]

Here's an update on things. Nothing encouraging, I'm afraid.

Tuesday last week, my husband came by very early in the morning - about 5:40 AM. The kids and I were of course in bed, but I wasn't asleep. I heard my dog bark a little and then the jingle of keys. Then the light in the dining room came on. I figured it was him, but stayed in bed because I assumed he'd come to the room and say something or maybe ask me something.

About 5-10 minutes later, he left. He didn't come see me or speak to me, didn't look in on the kids and kiss them. He hasn't seen them since Christmas day and he just leaves. Doesn't even leave a note.

I got up and went to the front of the house. I could hear him trying to lock the front door and waited to see if he would come back in. When he was done messing with his keys and the lock, I looked out the window and saw him (well, his shadowy figure) getting into his work truck and then he sped away.

He had taken the Valentine's Day cards and birthday cards the kids and I had for him on the microwave, and also took the notes and pictures the kids had there for him. He also had signed our tax papers (which had also been on the microwave) and left them on my desk. Oh, and he left a Barbie movie here for my daughter that she'd been wanting.

I was disappointed that he left without seeing us or speaking to us.


I've thought a lot about how my husband has changed. It's like he's done a 180°, unfortunately not for the good. He used to be so kind and generous and good and loving and affectionate and sensitive. He was a family man who would, as it should be, always put his family before himself. He was commited to me and our kids. He would never do anything to hurt me or our kids.


Why can't he be happy with the wife God chose for him? A wife who loves him with everything that is in her and always said it (I still do say it) and showed it. A wife who is affectionate and submissive to him. A wife who keeps the home clean and cooks good meals. (Even if I do say so myself. lol) A wife who loves her kids and takes care of them. A wife who loves and serves God.

Why am I no longer good enough for him when he used to think I was perfect just as I was?

I know it's because he quit serving God and then started hanging out with his worldly co-workers and allowed them to influence him.


This hurts me deeply. More than deeply. I wish I could put into words how desperately I need God to just make this stop now. Put an end to this now. Save my husband now. I want this nightmare and this loneliness and rejection and heartbreak to end now.



~

[Niki]

On another subject, I feel more certain about where I am and what I'm doing. It's funny how information about who and what I'm supposed to be and do as a woman, wife and mother just keeps coming to me. Even though I don't seek it out. At least not the specifics of it. And I don't go looking for opinions or teachings to "back up" what I want. I know what I want, but more than what I want, I want what God wants for me. I want to do things His way.

I read the testimony of a woman (not Pentecostal) about how her husband had left her and their kids, abandoned them completely, and how God has provided for them. Often in miraculous ways.

God keeps reminding me of His word. That He will supply all my need according to His riches in glory. That the righteous are not forsaken and don't have to beg for bread. And to not worry about what we will eat or drink or wear, but to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added.

I know it is because of the grace and mercy and blessings of God that my husband hasn't abandoned us financially. He's still paying the bills and providing money for us for food. He still pays for our health care (something I really need with my health issues) and provides money for needs that come up for our kids for school and other things. I know that things could be worse.

I thank God for the little blessings. But I'm waiting on that big blessing. The one that will make our life good again and what it should be. The blessing of my husband's salvation and the salvation of our marriage. I will not accept any other outcome. I don't want God to make me happy without my husband. And I don't want another man to take his place. I just want my husband back, serving God and in love with me.

Is that too much to ask?


~

[Niki]

Another thing I've been thinking about is how that some people have to hit rock bottom before they'll wake up and realize how messed up they've made their lives. Why do they do that?

My husband was blessed with a wife and children who love him. He had a beautiful family, a good home, God's blessings. How could he walk away from that?

For the past couple months I guess my husband's boss has only allowed him and the other employees to work 40 hours a week. No more overtime. This really bothers my husband and he's asked that I contact our internet provider and have it dropped. (My mom lives a mile or two away. I can use her computer until I get my internet back.) The thing that gets me though is that he spent our savings on a camper to live in back in July (he was supposedly worried about finances then too), pays $200 a month for the campground rental, bought a $700-800 TV for himself that he's having to make payments on, has to buy his own groceries. And he's worried about finances? Why spend money on completely selfish and unnecessary things if you're trying to cut back on expenses? Why not cut out those  expenses?

Mind boggling. It's as if any expense is fine if it's for something he wants.

I will of course do what he wants me to do and have the internet dropped. If the contract allows it that is.

It's funny because I keep hoping that if I just keep being sweet and good and submissive and loving that he'll come to his senses and come back home. But I was that way before he left and he left anyway.


Anyway, sorry for three posts in a row. And sorry if I complained too much.


~

[newkris]

talking is good, nikki.  keep talking.  it's like letting bad air out.  if you hold that in your mind, it will make things worse.

the only thing i can say about all of what you said is that he's wrong.  you're not wrong for being exactly who you are.  don't hold any guilt or thoughts of "how can i be better?" 

what if he's simply wrong?  you can't change him or make his decisions or see through his eyes.  give him the right to be wrong.  you can't live up to unrealistic expectations. 

you can be a better version of yourself.  we can all always improve.  but growing is a natural part of life.  that's not "changing to please someone else."  you keep doing the best that you can each day.  enjoy what you can of your kids, your family, the new life of spring.  look outward, not inward. 

God clearly means there to be reconcilliation.  keep believing.

but also remember that God won't force your husband to do what he doesn't want to do anymore than God would force you.  He isn't like that.  you and God are only two pieces of this puzzle.  keep holding on to God and whatever happens, you'll still have God to get you through. 

and know that you have been prayed for.  a lot. 

[samzup]

I will be praying for you too, Nikki.

I know that it absolutely makes no sense.  I couldnt make sense of it either when a 'similar' thing happened to me with an ex husband. I came home early on valentines day to find another woman in some lingerie. There was definately a confrontation, because I needed some answers. Then he admited he had met this woman nearly 6 months earlier and had feelings for her. ( And I never had a clue.)

I thought that I did everything as best as I could, but somehow it's not enough to some men.  But the only thing we can be sure of and have an answer for, is that God is your Pilot.  You have to trust Him and hang on.

I never in a million years could even concieve in my mind that I could love somebody else. Low and behold, God did send somebody else.  And the husband I have now makes me wonder what in the world I ever saw in my ex.  You have to find a way to heal. A grieving heart will kill you and the devil knows this.  If he can't destroy you by health, or finances, he'll try getting to you through the one you love. 

Sometimes they realize what they've done wrong and they come back, but in reality, he may never come back since he seems to have made some kind of decision.  Your time is precious so don't waste it on a broken heart and a marriage that you were obviously in by yourself. You can't unscramble eggs.

I know I don't know your situation, but I would try to think of it as an opportunity to do better.  And know that God is on your side.

I know that if your husband has been filled with the Holy Ghost, it doesnt matter where he goes, what he gets into, who he's with, it will only be a curse to him until he's back on the right track. But it's up to you whether you want to spend your life waiting on it.

One morning you'll wake up and it just won't hurt anymore. His loss.

[Melody]

oh Niki, I do not say it lightly that you are a strong woman, that your testimony is changing and encouraging lives now and in the future.



It's totally contrary to the world's mentality, it's completely conflicting to the flesh, and it's a drop kick to the devil's foothold. 

Have you thanked God for saving your husband?  Not as in the 1st time and not according to where he is at this moment, but for what you feel GOD has put in your Spirit.  I would take what you have in your spirit as a promise from God because the devil doesn't tell Godly women that Jesus is still going to reconcile and save their marriages, and the flesh isn't that tenacious.

Tonight I was reminded of the times I have literally thanked God for something that ended up happening.  Now, whether I thanked Him because He put it in my spirit that it was going to happen or because my eager joy moved Him to do it, I don't know.   But I do know that when I started thanking Him, not just praising, not just claiming the victory; but thanking Him pretty much like going through the testimony as if it was already done... when I did that, it happened!  I don't recommend this without direction from God but goodness Sis, you got more unction in you than any woman I've known personally in such a trial.

You may feel down trodden, you are carrying a cross, but it is worth it.   We could never number the women that will always secretly wonder what would have happened if they had prayed and fasted with all they had, a little longer, and with a little more faith that God was doing it.  You have scripture and you have strength confirming you. 

One day Niki, you are not just going to survive, you WILL thrive. 


Please don't misinterpret my boldness, I'm in awe of the grace of God in your life right now.   There's no exceptions to God's promises.

2Cr 5:18   And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;

[Niki]

If I come across as strong it's only because of God. As far as what some may see as my strength or unction, I think may just be stubbornness. lol I read God's Word and I see what is commanded of me by God and if I am to please God then I have to obey Him. And if I am to come out of this on the other side victorious, then I have to do it God's way.

I don't feel strong at all. I feel like I've been knocked to the ground, seriously wounded, and I can't get up. So whatever fight is in me, I'm fighting while on my back.


I too have wondered about women (mostly godly women) who seem to have given up the fight for their marriages. I can't help but wonder if they just couldn't take it anymore (completely understandable) and decided to just quit fighting and let their husbands go.

I've felt that way myself sometimes, so I don't say that in a judgmental way. I've said to God more than once that it wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't love my husband like I do. If I could just quit loving him and say, "Whatever, do what you want. You don't have to come back. We'll get divorced and then we can go on about our own lives.", maybe I would be free of the heartache and pain.


But God hates divorce. It's a sin. And the love God commands husbands and wives to have for each other is unconditional. When you read "wives love your husbands" and "husbands love your wives", there isn't a list of conditions following that command. It doesn't say, "Wives love your husbands, unless they leave you". God commands unconditional love.


The same scripture that commands wives to love their husbands, love their children, be keepers at home, be good, be sober, be chaste, to be obedient to their own husbands, to be discreet, says that to not do that would be blasphemous of the Word of God.

Can a person go to heaven if they blaspheme the Word of God? I don't believe so.


I will not give up on my husband. I can't. To just let him go and quit fighting for him (I'm not trying to fight against him) and quit fighting for our marriage would be wrong, in my opinion.

I feel like if I just let him go and quit fighting (and by fighting I mean prayer, fasting, refusal to give up, etc.) that I will be showing a lack of faith in God and in His ability to save my husband and heal our marriage.

Yes, I know there's free will and all that. But I also believe that with God all things are possible. That nothing is too hard for God. That if He drew my husband to Him once, He can do it again. I believe that God knows what it takes to wake up my husband and bring him back to Himself and back home.


How many of us have heard awesome stories of God reaching someone who seemed unreachable? Saving the seemingly unsaveable? Stories of God bringing down the walls that someone had put up between themselves and God, and between themselves and their spouses? God has done it many times. And as I've said to God, if You did it for them, You can do it for me.


One of my favorite stories that I heard Bro. Keith Clark tell was about a woman and her husband. They used to drink and party together. Then she came to church and got filled with the Holy Ghost. This made her husband angry because she wasn't partying or drinking anymore.

Then Bro. Clark came to her church to preach revival services and she was going more often for those special services. This made her husband even angrier. As she was on her way out the door with their kids, her husband told her not to go. That if she went, when she got home he would beat her within an inch of her life. She kind of laughed and said, "That's funny. When I was praying earlier, God told me that you're going to get the Holy Ghost tonight."

He yelled and cussed and said that he'll never do that and he'll never go to that church. She said to him, "I'll see you at church".

After she left, he went to one of the bars he always went to. After a drink or two (so he wasn't drunk), he felt someone sit down on the bar stool next to him. The "person" said to him, "You oughtta go down to the church". He said he wasn't going to do that and when he looked over to see the "person" who had spoken to him, there wasn't anyone there.

He left that bar and went to another bar. Had a couple more drinks. Again, he felt someone come in beside him and again he told him he should go to the church. He said, "I'm not going!".

He left that bar and went to a third. And again, someone he couldn't see spoke to him and said, "This is the last bar I'm walking in with you. You should go to the church. They're closing up service soon."

So the man left and went to the church. The pastor of the church asked Bro. Clark to close out the service. Bro. Clark saw that man come staggering into the church and stand behind the last row of pews. He gripped the back of the pew and was swaying from being so drunk. Bro. Clark said, "Is there one more person who'd like to pray?" That man raised his hand and came staggering down the aisle.

Bro. Clark went to him in the altar to pray with him. He said the smell of alcohol was so strong it made him feel sick. God told him to get back down there and keep praying with him. Bro. Clark said, "I can't, the devil's got him!" And God said to him, "Well, cast him out!". So Bro. Clark laid hands on him and commanded the devil to let him go. The man got filled with the Holy Ghost and was instantly sober. Then he got drunk on the Holy Ghost.

A few months later, he brought 40 people to a revival that Bro. Huntley preached there.


I remind God of what He did for that woman and her husband. I tell Him, "You did it for her, You can do it for me. You sent an angel to speak to him, even in a bar, You can do the same to my husband."


My husband is very lost, but he's a saint  who's lost. Someone who knows God's voice and knows what God feels like. He knows the Word and he knows the truth. I ask God to not let him get away. We who know God can't fit in with the world the way that a sinner can. There's always something different about us, even if only internally.

I ask God all the time to give my husband dreams, to send someone (an angel or a human) to speak to him and say something that would move him, to bring back to his memory scriptures and church songs and favorite things he's heard preachers say. Remind him of what it was like to feel God's presence, to be surrounded by hundreds of people worshipping God.

I sometimes tell the devil to get his hands off of my husband. That he has no right to my husband or my marriage or my home or my family. My husband belongs to God, even if he is wandering like the prodigal son. I ask God to wake my husband up and help him to see the pig pen he's gotten himself into. God help him to see how much he needs Him and how lost he is. Help my husband to see what a beautiful thing he's turned his back on - God, church, his wife, his children. He had a great life here with his family. God help him to see that.


I want my husband to remember and actually understand how much God loves him and how much I love him. He told me once, back in October, that he knows I love him. (Which really just makes it hurt that much worse. He knows I love him and knew that what he was doing would hurt me, but he left anyway.) But I want God to help him to truly understand what that means. I want my husband to understand that I love him more than anyone other than God will love him. That my love for him is unconditional and will never die. I'm trying to show him that by not giving up on him and by telling him whenever I get the chance that I love him.


Anyway, I know this was long and probably boring. I apologize for that.

If anyone reading this could remember to pray for my husband, I really appreciate it.


~

[Niki]

More whining from me. lol

This is sort of an update.

My husband called late Tuesday afternoon to talk to the kids, but our daughter had fallen asleep reading a book and our son was at my mom's house. He also asked what bills were due (I can't tell y'all how thankful to God I am that my husband still pays the bills), he usually asks for that information via text, and then told me he was in Oklahoma and will be there for a few days. After that, he'll be going back to Texas where he's been for a few months now. Most of the time I'm not sure where he is. He doesn't keep me informed like he used to back when he was himself.

Anyway, we said a couple other little things that I can't remember, and as he was saying good-bye I said, "I love you" and he hung up.

I tell him I love him all the time in emails and texts, but I haven't actually said it out loud in months, not only because we rarely actually speak to each other, but also because it hurts too much to say it to him and then him not say it back. I was really nervous about telling him I love him, but it came out anyway. I didn't expect him to say it back, though I have every right to, but it still hurt and I cried later that night, long after the kids had gone to bed.


I talked to God that night about how I need Him to tell me something or show me something beyond any doubt. I'm tired of the up and down from my husband.

Examples:

Our anniversary was December 17th, no acknowledgment from him whatsoever. But for Christmas, he gave me a bunch of money to buy myself some things.

Sometime in January, we had a long text conversation , during which he told me he was sorry he hurt me.

My birthday was in early February. He texted "Happy Birthday" to me and gave me a bunch of money to go shopping with.

His birthday was February 21st and he came back to the area for a few days, but didn't come see us. He then texted me wanting to take the kids with him to his sister's house in Raleigh because she wanted to make him a cake or something for his birthday. He didn't invite me and it really hurt. I hadn't wanted to get my hopes up over the Christmas money and the "I'm sorry I hurt you" text and the birthday money, but I had anyway and so being left out really hurt. He ended up not showing up.

In about mid April, I had written something in an email about him not reading my blog. How that I thought he'd at least want to know what was going on with his family even if he wasn't interested in living with us or seeing us. He texted me that he does read my blog and he finished his text with a response to something I had written in my blog. I had written that I'm sometimes tempted to floor it when I'm driving, but that I never would. Then I'd said that maybe I should be a drag racer and that my husband has a car I could drive. In my husband's text, he ended it with "And yes, I do have a car you could drive".

There he went getting my hopes up again. *sigh*

But then there was the other day when I said "I love you" and he hung up.

Up and down, up and down. I need God to tell me something beyond a shadow of a doubt that gives me a real reason to hold on and to keep hope alive. Regardless, as I told God, I'm not going to stop asking Him to save my husband and bring him home until He does it. I refuse to give up.


~

[Niki]

So, Mother's Day. I had hoped he would have flowers delivered, but he didn't. He did give me a little money and texted me. "Happy Mom's Day. I hope you have a wonderful day."

Hmm.

As with the other situations I wrote about in my previous post, I'm trying not to let this get my hopes up.

[awilkes05]

I wanted to ask you how did Mother's Day go for you...if he had gotten you anything or not but didn't want to cause pain for you if it didn't turn out the way that you/I wanted.

This is the 1st thread that I check every day that I come in here.  I'm always looking for an update and will be so excited when I come and see a victory report!!!! Still praying for you sister!

[Niki]

Thank you very much. That means a lot to me. Most of the time I feel like I'm talking to myself. But this is the only place where I write about my situation on a somewhat regular basis. Because this is the only place where I feel like I can get not only prayers from whoever might be reading, but also input from people who are Holy Ghost-filled and understand what God's Word says about marriage.

I have a blog, but my husband reads it, and it seems more public than Godplace. (Meaning, it seems more out there and easier for people to find or stumble upon.)

Plus, I have followers and readers who probably wouldn't see things as we do. I have no doubt that they would call my husband names and tell me things like, "Kick him to the curb!", "Get a lawyer.", "He's not worth it." and so on. I don't want or need to read things like that. None of it lines up with scripture, according to how I see it. And I love my husband too much to open him up to hatred and name-calling, and I love him too much to ever even consider giving in to what he's done or putting a true end to our marriage. Divorce is a sin (except for in the case of adultery) and God hates it.

Anyway, I wasn't planning on writing all this in this post.


~

[Niki]

I just read this at a blog I recently (as in today) started reading. I haven't read the article the writer refers to though.


"Gary Thomas' article "Anyway Love" tells of a woman whose husband had continually disappointed her with his insensitivity.  Even after she gave him books about "how to love your wife" he didn't change.

"Gary recounts what she said:

    "I've realized this is never going to change," she confessed. "But I love him anyway."

"Then Gary's response:

    "That last statement of Meg's, "but I love him anyway," is one of the most profound theological statements on marriage I've ever heard. Most of us base love on because, not on anyway. I love you because you're good to me. I love you because you're kind, because you're considerate, because you keep the romance alive."

"He pointed to Jesus' words about what  makes a child of God different from one who is not.  How piercing this thought was to me! I have read this verse numerous times, and I've never really thought about it in the context of marriage.  There is no "credit" for loving a spouse because they love us.  We only get credit when we "love anyway" a spouse who doesn't deserve it!  Yes, unfortunately, there are times when a spouse becomes an "enemy".  And even then, we are instructed how to live:

    "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that....But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked."  Luke 6:32-36

"I thought of the marriage of my friend, each blaming the other for failed hopes and unfulfilled responsibilities.  "I can't love him because he doesn't _____." And so they're walking away, unwilling to "love anyway".

"Christians have been called to many hard things through history. Perhaps even harder than a "one-time choice of martyrdom" is the choice to do hard things day in and day out.

"And yet, what difference it would make in our marriages...what difference it would make as a living picture of Christ's love for us.  And if we should even suffer?  Can we believe that it's worthy of rejoicing if we suffer for doing what is right?"


Wow.


~

[awilkes05]

Oh you're welcome Nikki! *hugs* It challenges me to read this.

That was an awesome blog! Thanks for sharing...

[Ashlee]

I Keep On Lovin' You by Reba McEntire

Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave me's
And never will again's
And I promise to's
I keep on lovin' you

Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our up's and down's
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gone's and turnaround's
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look at us now

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave me's
And never will again's
And I promise to's
I keep on lovin' you

Keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt you's...Oh, I keep on lovin' you

I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like that
I'd never hurt you's...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you

Don't give up Niki. Someday you'll look back at all this and see what an amazing work was done!

[The Cold Water Kid]

I just found this post today. I'd be scared to offer you spiritual advise, but there is one bit of practical information you should know. If your relationship ends in divorce, and if he fights you for custody, one of the first things his attorney is going to do is look at your blog, your MySpace, your Facebook, etc. Any references to thoughts of suicide or mental illness would be admissible and could cost you your parental rights. I just finished a Personal Law class at my university; the professor is also an attorney who specializes in family law; she told us about a young woman who lost custody of her kids for just the reasons I've described; my professor was the husband's attorney. So please, be careful, and if I were you I would go over my previous posts, blog entries, and what-not and delete anything that could be used against me... but that's just my opinion; some might disagree with me and that's OK... I just want to make sure you understand the risks.

[Niki]

My husband might be home by the end of the week. Well, he didn't say home. He said he'd "be back in NC". *sigh*


I had to go to Lowe's yesterday to get something and while I was there, I suddenly got a lump in my throat and had to fight back tears. I think maybe because my husband and I went there a lot in 2007 when we were doing some improvements to our home - tile, paint, lighting, fixtures. I almost let myself cry when I got in the car, but I stopped myself. Partly because I was going to my mom's house next and I didn't want to show up looking like I had cried.


Cold Water Kid,
Thank you for the advice. But I'm trusting God to save my husband and bring him home. And I won't stop asking God to do that until He does it. I will not entertain thoughts to the contrary and I will not accept any other outcome. Either everything is possible with God, or it isn't. Still, I will keep what you said in mind when writing. I haven't said anything at my blog, MySpace or Facebook about this situation with my husband, so no worries there.


~

[newkris]

nikki, i heard a speaker talking about going through a difficult divorce a couple of years ago who said she gave herself 15 minutes a day to cry.  her situation was somewhat like yours in that it was totally unexpected.  she was married to a wonderful man and had a wonderful life and things were wonderful and she came home from a trip to find him packing and leaving.  it devestated her.  she believed he would come back and did everything she could to make that happen.  but it didn't. 

and through all of it she held on to God to keep her through it AND she allowed herself to cry.  not be depressed or overwhelmed or sunk in grief. 

it's ok to cry.  it means you're feeling and if you're feeling you're still alive.  some odd things will make you cry at the craziest times.  and some things that seem mundane and silly to others will pack huge memories for you.   feel those things. 

i'm glad to hear you're still doing things - fixing things and going places.  those are good.  you can be hurt and sad without wallowing in it.  and it sounds like you're doing that. 

i know i've mentioned before that i understand what you're going through.  you're going to be ok.  hold on to God, no matter what.  keep living.  keep loving your kids and doing what you can to help them with all of this, too.  when the day is topsy-turvy, remember to be still and know He is God. 

[SippinTea]

Good post, Kris.

Niki, I prayed for you this morning. I'll echo what Kris said... hold onto God. Everything else in your life may be unstable and unpredictable, but He is always stable and faithful.

~Ruby