Stories, testimonies, advice, prayer and encouragement.

[Niki]

What you say makes sense. And I did apologize the first time he left in 2006 (we had been married for 11 years at that point) for how I had not done all that I should have done in those first years. By 2006, I had already stepped things up quite a bit and was doing all that any good wife should do. All the while being very affectionate and loving to him. I apologized to him many times that first time.

His problem this time, he says, is that "we have nothing in common". (Suddenly, after nearly 15 years of marriage.) Which is completely untrue.

I personally believe that our spirits are in disagreement with one another. He quit serving God about four or five years ago. Which is around the time when he started working at his current job. This job keeps him away from home a lot. (Months at a time.) He's around worldly co-workers who look at pornography (and show it to him), drink alcohol, cuss and do who knows what else.

It seems to me like he desires that "fun", worldly, single lifestyle.

Between turning his back on God, being away from home far too much and being around his worldly co-workers all the time, it's taken its toll on his soul and our marriage.

I have done all that my husband has asked of me and have never complained or grumbled or fussed. I continued to be very affectionate with him, loving, and receptive of his desires. I am a peaceful person who loves completely and without reserve.

I was in a very dark place that first week or so after he broke my heart. I even thought about death. I came out of that, but still cried everyday. Sometimes several times a day. I was full of fear and doubt. A few nights ago I had a breakthrough in prayer. My faith was restored and I haven't cried over my situation since that breakthrough.

I thank God everyday for saving my husband and healing our marriage.

I continue to speak words of love to my husband. I try not to attack or accuse or even preach, but I do try to encourage him without being pushy.

I feel better about things in spite of no outward signs of improvement. I'm trusting God to fix things and to make things right.

~

[Sis]

There may be SOME truth to what Raven said, but most of it is terribly one-sided. It can't all be dumped on the woman. Niki was doing some introspection and found some of her problems but he's refusing to do the same.  That doesn't make it all the woman's fault.

Respect needs to happen on both sides. Men aren't the only ones who need to be treated with TRUTH and respect.  What men tend to do is run away rather than face things because they don't want to see women cry. It makes them feel out of control and they hate it, so they make up excuses and run away.  He's running.

I think Niki is closer. He is running not only from his family but from God. His spirit wants freedom from the whole church thing that Niki stands for.  Niki is so sold out, even when she wasn't going to church, which I think had more to do with depression than anything else, that his spirit can't stand to be around hers.  What we've been praying for is a healing in his spirit, and a sense of loss so he will want to return to God.

[Brother Dad]

After reading all the post on this thread, I have come to the conclusion there is not enought information here to give advice outside of saying continue to pray.  There is no way to give sound advice without first hearing from both parties.  I can say I am sorry anytime I hear of people falling out of love with God and then their spouse. 

To the others on this thread, let us not turn such a terrible situation into an opputunity to attack the oppisite sex.  There are no doubts areas where we all can raise the bar a bit. 

[Niki]

Well, I guess I should update. He moved out around the last time I posted here. Anytime he comes up with a "reason" for why he left, I address it and then he comes up with a new "reason". His latest is that back in May I cried over him telling me "no" when I told him that our daughter needed something. He said that was his "breaking point". Huh??  

He and I hardly ever disagree about things and when we do it's rarely emotional, not often a big deal, and rarely do I get upset. So how could it be his "breaking point" when we always got along so well? Seriously, we were always flirting, laughing, talking, being affectionate with one another, getting along great. Then all of a sudden he's like a stranger, ignoring me and then leaving me. I really don't get it.

Anytime we communicate (mostly through texts; I email him every couple days, but he rarely responds) I'm always patient and I always tell him how much I love him.

Our 15th wedding anniversary is today. I gave him a card when he was here briefly (less than 5 minutes) Tuesday night, but I don't expect any recognition from him.


Anyway, the biggest news is that he is trying to change jobs. Only it's with a job that he will still have to travel a lot for and he'd have to go to Lubbock, TX. He says he doesn't want to go there and doesn't know how long he'll have to be there, but he thinks this is a good job opportunity. He says he'll try to get transferred back to NC (it'll be near Durham; about an hour east of here), but he doesn't know when he'd get to move back.

Naturally, given his current state of mind and soul, he hasn't said anything about me and the kids going there with him. But I told him that if he decides that he wants us back together, I will join him there if he wants me to.


I refuse to give up on him. I love him with all my heart. I'm trying to trust God to fix things. People tell me that I shouldn't put my "life on hold for him". All I know is what the Bible says. It commands wives to love their husbands. There are no conditions added to that. Divorce is a sin and there's no way I'd divorce him, even if it weren't a sin.

I'm trying to continue to be submissive to my husband (something I was doing even before he changed), I'm continuing to love him, be kind to him, forgive him (because every day that he's not here he breaks my heart and I have to forgive him again), be patient (not easy), do good to him in spite of his coldness to me, take care of our home and kids, go to church, pray almost constantly lol, read my Bible, fast and just do what I know is right.

What more can I do?


I tell God all the time, "You chose him for me. It was because of Your will that I married him." (Long story.) Plus, of course, I was in love with him. But I wouldn't have married him if God had said, "no". God brought us together and He does not make mistakes. I will not give up on my husband.

I keep asking God to give me some little thing that shows me that things are going to get better with my husband. That my husband will get refilled with the Holy Ghost (the answer to this problem), get back in church, and come back to me. I need just some little something so that my heart will be strengthened. So that I can keep holding on.

I also pray that if my husband isn't going to come back (God forbid) that God will let me know and show me the path He wants me on. Show me what to do. I don't want to keep hoping and praying and believing for something that God already knows isn't going to happen, if in fact that's the case.

*sigh*

Oh, another thing. The three times I've seen my husband since Labor Day he's avoided looking at me. It's like he can't look at me and will only speak to me if I speak to him first. My mom thinks it's because he's ashamed of what he's done. I certainly haven't done anything to him. I mean, I could understand not being able to look at your spouse if they'd cheated on you or something, but I've been faithful, loving, attentive, affectionate, submissive. Even throughout this ordeal with him.


Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling on. I just ask that y'all please pray about the job situation (I don't know yet if he's been hired or turned down; maybe he doesn't know yet either), pray for my husband's spiritual condition and pray for our marriage.


Thank you.

~

[Melody]

Niki, you are my hero. 

Most people love parts of God's Word, some people love most of God's Word but few love all of it and actually do it. 

Whatever the future holds, God WILL find faith and faithfulness in you when He returns.  I'm so touched by your courage especially in the face of "justification" to let go.  It's revealing the reasoning people come up with in a cloak of "support" to make themselves feel better for not following God's Word like that.

This is making you stronger than I bet you thought you could have ever been, but girl, when you come out... watch out world!  Your testimony is going to save people.

God Bless Niki! 

[Niki]

God has given me various scriptures over the past couple months. I sometimes mark the date and time in my Bible.

October 8th, 2:41 AM:

Jeremiah 33:6-8
"Behold, I will bring it health and cure, and I will cure them, and will reveal unto them the abundance of peace and truth.
"And I will cause the captivity of Judah [praise] and the captivity of Israel to return, and will build them, as at the first.
"And I will cleanse them from all their iniquity, whereby they have sinned against me; and I will pardon all their iniquities, whereby they have sinned, and whereby they have transgressed against me."

October 28th, 3:00 AM (I cried so hard as I read through this one that I could barely read it.):

Psalm 4 (I'll only type out the parts that stood out.)
"Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.
"...the Lord will hear when I call unto him.
"Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
"Offer the sacrifices of righteousness [it is a sacrifice when it seems like living right isn't producing the desired result of healing and salvation and deliverance], and put your trust in the Lord.
"...Lord, lift thou up the light of thy countenance upon us.
"...I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety."

I had just been talking to God, with my Bible in my hand, saying things like, "Don't you hear me? Can't you see my tears and my torment?" And so on. When I opened my Bible, my eyes fell on Psalm 4. So I guess you can see why I was crying so hard. lol


Habakkuk 3:17-19 (One of my favorite portions of scripture.)

"Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls;
"Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
"The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. ..."


He gave me Daniel chapter 10 last night/this morning around 4:15 AM. I'm not going to type all that out. lol At first as I was reading it I couldn't see how it could possibly have anything to do with my situation. But yet I began crying around verse 4 or 5. I continued to cry, barely able to read more than a few words at a time, and I kept saying to myself, "Why am I crying?" lol

Verse 5 [after Daniel had been mourning and fasting for 3 weeks]:
"Then I lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a certain man clothed in linen, whose loins were girded with fine gold of Uphaz...

Verse 7:
"And I Daniel alone saw the vision: for the men that were with me saw not the vision; but a great quaking fell upon them, so that they fled to hide themselves."

Verses 10-12:
"And, behold, an hand touched me, which set me upon my knees and upon the palms of my hands.
"And he said unto me, O Daniel, a man greatly beloved, understand the words that I speak unto thee, and stand upright: for unto thee am I now sent. And when he had spoken this word unto me, I stood trembling.
"Then said he unto me, Fear not, Daniel: for from the first day that thou didst set thine heart to understand, and to chasten thyself before thy God, thy words were heard, and I am come for thy words.
"But the prince of the kingdom of Persia withstood me one and twenty days: but, lo, Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me; and I am remained there with the kings of Persia." [Spiritual battle.]

Verses 16-19:
"...my sorrows are turned upon me, and I have retained no strength.
...straightway there remained no strength in me, neither is there breath left in me.
"Then there came again and touched me one like the appearance of a man, and he strengthened me.
"...greatly beloved, fear not: peace be unto thee, be strong, yea, be strong. And when he had spoken unto me, I was strengthened, and said, Let my lord speak; for thou hast strengthened me."

I believe this could mean that God heard me the first time I prayed about my situation and that God will strengthen me. Has an angel been sent? Is there a spiritual battle going on?


A week or so ago, God gave me Galatians 6:9 within minutes of my saying to him that I was tired of believing and trusting and doing right, and getting no results.

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."


One more thing. (I apologize for the length of this.) I remember hearing several years ago that we should pray the scriptures. So for the past few days or so, I've been praying Hosea 2:6-7. That God would hedge up my husband's way with thorns and make a wall that he would not find his paths away from God or away from me. That whatever he pursues outside of God and our marriage, he would not be able to overtake them. And whatever he seeks after outside of God and our marriage, that he would not be able to find them. That God would bring my husband to a place where he will say to himself, "I will go and return to my God and my wife; for then was it better with me than now."


~

[Niki]

This isn't a movie!

Somehow I keep forgetting that. I keep expecting some hero to come in and rescue me. Or something magical to happen that will make everything right. All kinds of scenarios run through my head nearly everyday. At first it didn't occur to me that I was being influenced by movies. lol But then one day I stopped myself mid-daydream and said, "Don't be so silly. This isn't a movie." All the scenarios I was picturing were things I had seen or am likely to see in the movies.

I still dream of how I would like for things to get better. Only now I'm aware that it's for the most part pure fantasy.

I'm going to keep believing that things are going to return to how they should be even if it kills me. But I'm also going to try not to expect things to return to how they should be in a less-than-realistic way. There probably won't be an angelic choir or music soaring. And there probably won't be a literal light of realization shining down with all made right in an instant. Nor will there be a hero who will come crashing in and save the day.

No, it will continue to be an uphill climb on a very rough mountain side. It will continue to be one day at a time, one step at time, and sometimes one inch at a time. But every day and every step and every inch brings me closer to the top of the mountain and the end of this struggle. And hopefully it will end the way I most want it to. But at the same time, I have to remember that God knows best. And maybe what He has for me is not what I want. But I know from experience that what God wants for me is always better than what I want for myself. He and I could be in agreement, or it could be that what He has waiting for me is not only not  what I've been praying for, but also more wonderful and more beautiful.

I'm trying to be a little less specific when I pray (You have to do this and this, and You have to do it by this  time) and pray more that His will be done and not my own. Yes, that's scary. To know what you want more than anything in the world, but then stop praying that you get it and that instead you get what God wants you to have, even if it's different from what you most want. Ahhh! But God is good and He will not bring about the end of all of this leaving me miserable and disappointed. He never has before.

All things work together for good to them who love God and are the called according to His purpose.


Oh my goodness, I literally just now had a "revelation" as I was re-reading this before posting! There have been many times throughout this where I felt like God has disappointed me and failed me. (My husband was allowed  to break my heart, God still hasn't brought him back, and I still don't have the physical healing that I'm desperate for. Just being honest here.) But as I read again the part about God not bringing about the end of all this leaving me miserable and disappointed, I realized something. (Yes, I can be slow.) Don't say that God has disappointed or failed you when it's not even over yet.

It ain't over until God says it's over. And it's not over yet.


~

[Niki]

"Listen closely to what God is telling you and do what He wants you to do."

That's what someone said to me. (Not an exact quote.) The thing is, God isn't telling me anything. Well, not anything beyond what I find in scripture: love your husband, be submissive, take care of your home and children, pray, read the Bible, etc.

Done. And things are still the same. *sigh* He's still gone, I'm still lonely and I have no idea what more to do. I keep begging God, "Please show me what You want me to do and what path You want me on. Because I don't have a clue."

Contacting a lawyer is not an option in my opinion. "Wives love your husbands" has no conditions attached to it. Divorce is a sin unless there's adultery involved. And I refuse to divorce him anyway. And knowing him like I do, any sort of involvment of lawyers (even if it's not divorce) would just tell him that I'm over him and don't want to be with him anymore. It would push him further away.

"Use tough love." I'm not sure that would work with him either.


So what do you do when you're doing everything right - obeying God's Word, and nothing is changing for the better? How much longer do I have to endure this before God steps in and makes things right? My heart can only take so much neglect and pain and loneliness.


Things could be worse. But they're also bad enough as it is. Haven't I suffered enough? Haven't my kids been fatherless long enough?





~

[barefoot]

i think your working to better your family by talking to others you have to remember you had a life before you married be strong you have a family to take care of and thats number one--time has a way of taking care of things- been married 32 years and it worked for me-god bless you

[Niki]

When I pray, no matter how much I feel like giving up, by the next morning I don't feel like giving up anymore. By the next morning I find myself believing again that God is going to save my husband and bring him back to me.

Is this God really telling me this or is it just wishful thinking? It'd be really great if God gave me a clearer and much more obvious answer. Because it's scary not knowing for sure.

[Zophar]

Continue to pray about it and seek some kind of counseling, either from a good minister or marriage counseling that you go to alone.  Then protect yourself and your kids.  You don't have to file, but you might should consider consultation with a lawyer just to see about a few things.  I don't know the laws in your state, but can he run up debt that you are responsible for even if you don't consent to it/know about it? Can he just come pick up your kids from school one day and move them off to wherever he is without your consent?  There are alot of questions like these that only a good attorney who deals with divorce in your state can answer.  A legal separation might acctually protect you and your kids without you having to file for divorce, but a good attorney can give you a better understanding. 

[Sis]

I think you're right, Niki. So far he's supporting you, and if you feel like that after praying, I'd continue doing what you're doing.

[Melody]

amen Sis.  Our flesh is carnal and emnity w/ the Spirit.  The flesh is not going to want to stay with him because it doesn't please the flesh.  So if you want to stay, it is of God.  You're not some crazy crack head going back to an abusive pimp because you "love him."  You are a Godly woman seeking God, submitting to God and biggest of all, following the Word of God which does not give reasons for divorce other than adultery.  Separation is a case by case basis and I think you have your head on straight even with all the emotions. 

When you get to heaven you want to see your husband there too.  This is a huge testimony directly to him about the love of God.  And if he doesn't choose right, you want to know that you were faithful to him and God, you did not justify your flesh and settle becuase it was "hard."  Because God doesn't give you more than you can handle and He gives you the strength you need each day to make it through that day, you're filling up by prayer daily and it's holding your family together.  Your kids are going to follow YOUR example Niki. 


You are a testimony to me.  The truth of God's Word about submitting and Him carrying, strengthening, keeping your faith, speaks volumes to my life.  I am so thankful for your testimony Niki. 

[Niki]

Thanks, Mellow. Though I certainly don't feel like I've done anything worth admiring. I feel so weak and insignificant.

I wanted to share this with y'all:


I sometimes am so overwhelmed that I feel like giving up and saying to my husband (though he isn't here), "Fine. You win."

My strength often fails me and I don't know if I can face another day. I weep and sob, I cry myself to sleep, and I beg God to intervene.

But then when I pray, really  pray, God strengthens me and I no longer feel like giving up. My trust in God that He is going to fix things and bring my husband back is renewed. And then I have to believe again. It happened again just a few nights ago. I stood there in our darkened living room crying my eyes out and begging God to help me, to show me what to do. I told Him that I'd had enough and that I didn't have anymore fight left in me. I told Him to either bring my husband back or set me free of him.

And then when I woke up the next morning, I found myself believing again that God is going to fix things and bring him back. The results of my prayer are never that it's over.

Call me crazy, but I choose to believe what God is telling me over what my husband is telling me. And "it ain't over until God says it's over".

HISTORY

When I was praying the other night, I talked to God about how I'd prayed for and about my then future husband even when I wasn't dating anyone.

You see, I think that I was different from most girls. Seems like most of the ones I knew dated anyone who was cute and nice and who they got along with. They tried them on like clothes to see who the right fit was.


I wasn't like that. I would not go out with a guy just because he was cute and nice. I watched him. If he wasn't a worshipper and wasn't really into God and church, I wasn't interested. I didn't care how  nice he was. God had to be the reason he lived.

"You're the only reason I live, but oh what a reason."


I remember very well when I was staying with my grandma to help her out. One night as I was praying in the living room, as I did every night, I prayed about and for my future husband. I think it had just been taught in singles class at church. So I did that. I prayed for my now husband that night, though I didn't know it was him. (This was in early '93.) I prayed that God would bless him, keep him safe and keep him in His will.


Fast forward.


I remember on our first date how comfortable I was with him. He was so easy to talk to. We had (and have) so much in common. I enjoyed his company.

But that wasn't enough. I wasn't going to marry him or fall in love with him just because I was attracted to him or just because he was nice or just because we got along so well or just because I was comfortable with him or just because he was easy to talk to.

It had to be God's will or that would be the end.


After our first date, I thought again about the prophecy that visiting preacher had spoken to me about my then future husband. And I looked at the list that he had told me to write of what I wanted in my future husband.

My now husband was everything in the prophecy and everything on my list. It was funny because that night, before he had even asked me to marry him, I said aloud to myself, "Oh my gosh. It's him. I'm going to marry him."

I knew before he even asked me that he would be my husband.


And then I did what the preacher told me to do and asked God for confirmation. I asked that if he were the one God wanted me to marry that he would quote the scripture to me: "The joy of the Lord is your strength."

Later we were talking on the phone (I remember I was sitting at the dining room table) and I'd pretty much forgotten about that confirmation. I wasn't thinking about it as we were talking. And then he quoted that scripture and I knew he was the one. God told me so. And He doesn't lie.


And when we got married, our pastor said on our wedding day, "I feel the will of God in this marriage. And I feel confident that the blessing of God is going to rest here."


My husband is the one God chose for me. And I feel like to give up would be like calling God a liar.


I cannot give up on what God said His will for my life is. He chose my husband for me (and me for him) knowing that he would break my heart. And I have to believe that God also knew that He would bring my husband back and make things right.


God knows what it takes to reach my husband, to bring him back to Himself where he belongs (he doesn't belong out there in the world; God redeemed him and he belongs to God), and to bring him back to his wife and children where he belongs. And I have asked God to do whatever it takes. As long as my children are safe, I want Him to do whatever it takes.


And so I will wait for as long as I have to wait. (Love is patient and longsuffering. And it is unconditional.) And when he finally decides to give his life back to God and to come back home to his wife and children, I will still be here waiting for him.


I love him with all my heart. More than words could ever say. More than actions could ever express. He is my one and only. The love of my life.

~

[Melody]

My pastor said that the greatest anointed ministers are the ones that often sound as if they are so far from God, as in there is so much more and further they want to go.  So don't lose that.

[Sis]

And remember, your children as well as others in church are watching how you're handling things. It's best to not jump into or out of anything. Whether or not you like it, you're a witness to others right now.  Your children are going to see a strong woman. A survivor. A woman who only wants the will of God.

When they get older, they will handle things they way you have shown them. To not act hastily and depend on God. Basically we have nothing in this life but what God allows. We came in naked we will leave the same way. So it just makes sense to depend on god for everything.

[Niki]

I don't know if y'all have been wondering about things or not. Maybe you're bored with my "drama". lol Hey, I'm bored with it too. Actually just plain sick and tired of it. Even if things have mellowed.

There has been no talk of our situation since my husband said he was sorry he hurt me. Randomly in a text conversation we were having a few weeks ago. I didn't respond to that at all and just continued on with our conversation as if he hadn't said he was sorry. It was after 1:00 AM (midnight in TX where he's been since Christmas), very unusual to hear from him at that time of night, and I didn't really want to get into all of that at that time. Plus, it really surprised me and I didn't know what to say or think.


Anyway, yesterday (Sunday) was his birthday. I reminded the kids and they called to talk to him. Kelly forgot to tell him happy birthday and later I texted him that Kelly says happy birthday.

He texted back thanks to Kelly and then said that it wasn't a happy birthday. Hmm. I texted to him, "Because you're not with your family?". (Notice I didn't say "kids". I can't help but include myself.) He said yes and because he's having to drive (as in a long distance) on his birthday. My husband hasn't been happy with his job and is sick of the traveling.

By the way, he's on his way to NC, but he doesn't know what city. And there's the possibility that he might get sent somewhere else before he even gets to NC or soon after. So I didn't tell the kids because, as I told my husband after I asked him if he had told them he was on his way to NC (he said no), I didn't want to get their hopes up.


Now, I know we're supposed to walk by faith and not by sight, and not just go by what we're feeling, but I've felt for a little while now that my husband will come home. Perhaps partly because I tell God everyday, several times a day, "Thank you for saving my husband and for saving our marriage".

And then my husband says in that text that he's not having a happy birthday. After getting that text, I felt all evening, and still now, that he's not happy at all (duh) and that maybe  he's starting to realize that leaving me has done nothing to bring him happiness. Double duh.


I've felt moved upon so strongly for him spiritually. He's lost out there without God. Triple duh. lol I'm wondering if and hoping that some light is beginning to dawn on that hard head of his.


I pray for him several times a day. Not just for myself or our marriage - but for him. I love him more than words could ever say and I want so much for him to be happy. I know that the only way he can ever be truly  happy is if he lives for God and does what God wants him to do.


Anyway, I have no idea when he will come home, but I feel that he will someday and I'm trusting God to bring him home. And to get him back in church and serving Him.


Please pray for my husband. I feel like my burden for him and his soul has gotten heavier. My heart aches no longer just for myself and my kids, but for my husband also. Even more than before.

[Melody]

Oh praise God for His tender mercies and loving kindness! 

We could pray and seek all day for the gifts of the Spirit but they are nothing w/out the Fruit of the Spirit. 

From what you've said, Niki, I can tell you, you are an anointed woman of God!  Keep praying, your prayers are so powerful.

[Sis]

Been praying that he will be discontent anyplace but home with his family.

[Niki]

I need y'all's prayers. Well, more prayers. It's not a huge deal, but it hurt and I cried a lot. I guess I just foolishly expected things to be improving, even if only slowly, and then he texts me and asks if he can take the kids with him to his sister's house in Raleigh for the day on Saturday. (Raleigh is a little over an hour from here.) He said that his sister wants to celebrate his birthday (which was this past Sunday) and see our kids.

I guess that answers the unasked question of whether or not his family knows, since apparently I'm not invited. Not that he mentioned anyway.


The part that hurts me is the being excluded. (And now I'm crying again.) We're supposed to be a family. And I hate to be left behind while he celebrates his birthday with our kids, but without me. (I got him a birthday card that's waiting here at home for him.) I told him that the kids are going to wonder why I'm not celebrating his birthday with them. They don't know that he's left us. It's so normal for him to be gone all the time for work (often months at a time), that they've thought nothing of it. I'm hoping he'll come back home before they find out.

Anyway, I cried hard for a long time. It just broke my heart all over again. To be excluded and rejected by your husband. I can't describe how bad that hurts.


Mellow said something about me being anointed. I don't feel anointed at all. I feel hurt and afraid and desperate for God to make things right. I'm trying so hard to live right and do right and love and forgive, and nothing seems to change. I'm so tired of being lonely I can hardly stand to face the day sometimes. The pain feels like more than I can bear.

Maybe it's foolish, but I asked God the other day, "What do I have to do to get You to save my husband and save our marriage? What more can I do? I'll do anything."

But I got no answer, and then my husband breaks my heart again. I can't tell you how discouraging that is. It's hard to have faith when my heart is broken.


Anyway, I hope y'all will pray. I really need it. I need a miracle. If God doesn't help me, no one can.

[Niki]

As soon as I finished that last post, I got off my computer and prayed for a long time. Well, I prayed when I was able to. I sobbed for awhile first.

At first I talked to God about how hurt I am and about my husband and our marriage. But then somehow I began praying for myself, not just about myself. I asked God to change me, to make me what He wants me to be, to touch me (I needed it desperately) and to use me. I even thanked God for breaking me so that he can re-mold me into what He wants me to be. And then I laughed for thanking Him for breaking me. It seems insane to thank God for such a thing, but thank Him I did.

God did touch me, and I thanked Him for that too. Now I just need Him to help me, my husband and our marriage. It's about time for all this darkness and loneliness to be over. It's about time for this trial to be over. I can't stand it any longer. In my opinion, it's past time for it to be over. But then I guess God will do things in His time no matter what my opinion is. lol

I only got about 2 hours sleep last night and my eyes are swollen from crying. I'm going back to bed soon now that the kids are at school.

[Melody]

I had a reply all typed out and then got 2 phone calls and a baby I'm watching woke up...lol 

It's always darkest before the dawn.  It may sound cheesey and cliché-ish but it is true. You may not feel anointed Niki, but you are.  You are building a precious alter, a landmark for you and your children.  How many times have we heard about Bro.Urshan's testimony!  You are not the only one Niki to go through it, you just have the choice of how you come out. 

And while I think you are an amazing woman, you are also doing what ALL of us should be doing with our own crosses/trials.  Many people feel justified not upholding the covenants they've made to God if others don't uphold theirs or if they have been wronged.  What is being wronged when we have so many times wronged God?  What is being treated unjustly when we know that the Righteous Judge will recompense in Due time, to everyone for what they've sewn?  To the wicked, eternal hell, but to the righteous- eternal bliss.  We are human, but it is not a valid excuse for still sinning when we have the Word and power of the Holy Ghost.  God's grace is so deep and you are testifying of that with each post Niki.  It's HARD, you are in the trenches, but God is seeing you through. 

I hope this thread is never deleted.  How compassionate is our God, that if we live this life for heaven, heaven is what we'll recieve. 


Do I detect a bit more boldness these last few posts?  Maybe it's time to kick some devil booty? ☺  If so, armor up, scripture up, and know that:

You_can't_lose.
You_will win.   

You not only have the authority of God but you are a princess who's inheritance is even greater authority for all eternity  & to see the devil be cast down for good!

So many know what the Word says but they don't know how to do it, or what obedience looks like in the really hard situations.  But YOU, you Niki are leaving familiar landmarks on the map for those who have to also walk the same road.  Thank you Niki.  I hope I will never be in the same situation but no one can make it to heaven without becoming broken, so my cross/trials will/are be what they need to be for me to be broken, that I might know Him.  You are a blessing Niki, a beautiful blessing in your brokeness, who's strength from God is reaching further than you know.

I'm still praying for you. ♥

[RandyWayne]

After reading all the post on this thread, I have come to the conclusion there is not enought information here to give advice outside of saying continue to pray.  There is no way to give sound advice without first hearing from both parties.  I can say I am sorry anytime I hear of people falling out of love with God and then their spouse. 

To the others on this thread, let us not turn such a terrible situation into an opputunity to attack the oppisite sex.  There are no doubts areas where we all can raise the bar a bit. 

I am late to the thread here, but I agree with this post.

Niki, just going on what you have posted I have to admire your ability to stick it out and wait on God.  We have NOT heard your husbands side in any of this, but based only on your description of events it sounds almost like their either is a case of bi-polar, or possibly heavy work influence going on.  On another note, I would advise YOU to not put your church ahead of him -I did not say GOD, I said your church, they are almost always two very different things.  A man can be very put off when he feels his wife puts the wishes of her church/pastor/church families in front of his, and it can take years for the bitterness to finally start seeing the light of day.

[Niki]

Mellow,
I haven't heard Bro. Urshan's testimony. (Or maybe I have and I just don't remember it.) Can you share it with me?

Randy,
It's all very confusing to me. My mind cannot grasp him leaving. It's been lies and excuses. I know he's not happy. (And it's always easiest to blame someone else for your unhappiness.) He backslid several years ago. How can anyone be happy or satisfied without God? The man he is now is not the man he is when he's serving God. When he and I were first dating, almost every time I called him (he was staying with one of his sisters back then) he was either knocking doors with his pastor or reading his Bible or praying. And he was also a worshipper. This continued for awhile into our marriage.

He didn't really backslide/change until he started working for the company he's with now back in the summer of 2004. It was gradual, of course, as backsliding always is. But between being out of town for work all the time (which has become more frequent as the years have gone by), and missing church because of it, and the influence of his co-workers and boss on him (including sending him pornographic emails), it's all taken its toll on him.

As for me putting church before him, I wasn't going to church much myself from mid-2006 through early 2009. I went a handful of times a year. So there was definitely no putting church before him. (I often stayed home just so I could be with him. With him being gone all the time, when he would be home I wanted to be with him.) I almost never talked about God or church in those years. Though I didn't out and out backslide (my beliefs and my standards remained), I wasn't as close to God as I used to be or should've been.

I sometimes blame myself for my husband's spiritual condition. "If I had been serving God like I should've during those years, maybe he wouldn't have left me and maybe he'd be back in church himself." Though at the same time I realize that we are each responsible for our own salvation and our own decisions.

And as for his side of things, I only know what he's told me and I've shared that here. I agree that there are two sides, but I'm doing my best to be honest about things. (I'm no more interested in bashing the opposite sex or my husband than you or anyone else would be interested in reading it. I don't think I've done that here.) I'm no angel and I'm far from perfect. But what I most definitely am is sincere and in love with my husband and desperate for God to help us. And I came here with our story because I believe in the power of prayer and I want fellow saints of God to help me pray.

I want my husband saved and on his way to heaven. I want my kids to have the godly father they need. And I want my pain and loneliness and dark trial to end. Only God can make those things happen.

[Niki]

God gives me scriptures all the time. And He often puts things in my mind that I've heard in songs or from preachers. One of those things is "Show Yourself Strong", a song by Fred Hammond. I hadn't listened to it in quite awhile and I couldn't remember the words. So last night I listened to it in the car a few times while the kids and I were out.

(Verse 1)
Out of the dust
We're now rising up and we say
Oh Lord, we're calling You
Show Yourself strong
Our unending source
You provided before
Oh Lord, we're calling You
Show Yourself strong
Oh Lord, we're calling You
Show Yourself strong

(Chorus A)
Mighty Lord, You're mighty Lord
Rise up and hear the voice of Your people
Show Yourself strong
Singing Hallelujah

(Verse 2)
Lord of the harvest
Show us Your goodness, say
Oh Lord, we're calling You
Show Yourself strong
Restore the years
That we've sown in tears
Oh Lord we're calling You
Show Yourself strong
Oh Lord, we're calling You
Show Yourself strong

(Repeat Chorus A)

(Chorus B)
Able Lord, You're able Lord
Rise up and hear the voice of Your people
Show Yourself strong
Singing Hallelujah

(Chorus C)
Faithful Lord, You're faithful Lord
Rise up and hear the voice of Your people
Show Yourself strong
Singing Hallelujah

(Repeat Chorus A)

(Vamp A)
Mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty,
Mighty, mighty
Rise up and hear the voice of Your people
Mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty,
Mighty, mighty
Hallelujah

(Vamp B)
More than able, more than able, more than able
More than able
Rise up and hear the voice of Your people
More than able, more than able, more than able,
Hallelujah

(Vamp C)
Faithful, faithful, faithful
Faithful
Rise up and hear the voice of Your people
Faithful, faithful, faithful
Faithful
Hallelujah

(Repeat Vamp A & B)

(Repeat Chorus A)


The part that most touched me was "Restore the years that we've sown in tears."


After listening to a couple Fred Hammond CDs, my son put in a Kirk Franklin CD and the song "I Am God" really ministered to me. We listened to it over and over. The parts that most touched me:

"I feel like I'm in surgery, Still You cut deeper."

"Lord, how much longer, Till You through with me?
Please take what You need."

"Some things I don't wanna change, So You keep breaking me."

"It's like I'm fighting for my life.
You hit me with another right.
I feel like Jacob in the night.
Won't stop till You bless me."

"If I could I'd fly away from here.
But even when I'm far You still are near.
I gotta get out.
There's no way out.
But what if I run?
There's nowhere to run.
Let go, don't go, gotta go, can't go."

"You win.
I've been trying to do it on my own.
But right now I gotta surrender.
You know what's best."

"It's not easy waiting on You.
It's not easy believing that You got this together.
But without faith it is impossible to please You.
So Ima stand right here.
You got me."


As for words from preachers, something I heard Bro. Arnold saying is always on my mind. "If you get involved in God's stuff, He'll get involved in your stuff."

I was reminded of that again in prayer the night before last. I felt like God told me that if I'll just focus on serving Him, then He'll take care of my husband.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."

~