Stories, testimonies, advice, prayer and encouragement.

[Niki]

Some background first.

I've been in church all my life (36+ years) and have had the Holy Ghost for 26 years. When I met the man who would be my husband (June 1992) he had only been in church for two or three years. We lived a few hours apart and only saw each other at district functions. We would speak briefly, but rarely had actual conversations. In April of '94 he asked me out. Less than a week after our first date, we were engaged. (It's too long to get into, but he was everything God had told me my future husband would be. And then He confirmed it to me that this was the one.) We were married seven months after that.

Other than being older, more mature, and less selfish, I'm basically the same person I was 15 years ago with the same interests, likes and dislikes.

Okay, so the problem.

Wait, a little more background. (Sorry.) In February of 2006 (just a few days before Valentine's Day), my husband told me that he wasn't happy and wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me anymore. He had a list (not literally) of things he didn't like. A few of which were not legitmate as they were things from the past that I had since changed on my own. But I changed the couple possibly legitimate (though petty, in my opinion) things he complained about, he came back (he had bought a run-down tralier to stay in) and we went on with our marriage.

Anyway, my husband hasn't really been in the church/serving God in about four years or so. He quit going completely two or three years ago. His job (that he started working in July 2004) keeps him out of town and out of state a lot, for days, weeks or months at a time. (He's currently in Washington state after having been in ND for three weeks.) He continued to be a good husband. Loving, affectionate, generous, attentive. All the things a husband should be, short of serving God.

In April of this year, everything was great with us. We were happy. In May, he went to Texas (again) for three or four weeks and when he came home, he was not the same. It was like a stranger had taken his place. He wouldn't hug me or kiss me unless it was in response to me doing it first. He wouldn't say "I love you" unless I said it first. He quit snuggling up to me in the bed. When he'd come home from work, he'd go straight to his garage and tinker with his car and often came in late for supper, and then go right back out to his car.

Besides all of that, I could just tell and feel that something wasn't right. I asked him many times, "Are you okay?" and he would say, "Yeah, I'm fine." Or I'd ask, "Is something wrong? Are you upset with me?" and he would say, "No, nothing's wrong. I'm not upset with you. Everything's fine."

But it just kept eating at me. I began praying and crying a lot.

Oh, let me also say that I hadn't been going to church faithfully, only going once in awhile, though I still believed the same things and kept my standards. I started going back to church faithfully in June or July.

In late June/early July, we took a vacation to the beach with his family. He ignored me almost completely the whole time. And when I said something to him he said that he hadn't seen them in awhile and wanted to spend as much time with them as he could. But I felt neglected.

In July, I was trying to talk to my husband again and get him to tell me what was wrong. He finally told me that he wasn't happy and I began to sob. I said to him that the last time he told me he wasn't happy, he left me. He told me that he was not going to leave me. I asked him why he wasn't happy and he said he didn't know why. I told him that if he would go to God that God would help him. He told me that it didn't have anything to do with God. I told him that everything has something to do with God.

I apologize for the length of this.

In early August, my husband was sent to North Dakota for work and he told me he could be gone for a month. I was sad to see him go, as I always am, especially since I was hoping he would get back in church. When our kids (who are 12 and 9) would ask him when he was going back to church he would say, "I don't know".

This past Sunday evening, he sent me a text asking me if I was going to church. I texted him back "Yes". Later that night (after 1 AM), I got online and checked my email first thing as I always do and there was a message from him. He finally decided to tell me what was bothering him.

Again, as he did three years ago, he blamed me. Only this time he seemed worse, more serious, angry.

Let me tell y'all that I've been doing all that I know to do to make him happy. I cook good meals every night, I clean the house, I run errands for him, I make phone calls for him, I'm intimate with him (and not just because I should be), I take care of our kids, I don't do a lot of shopping, etc. I don't have an attitude. I don't fuss or yell or make demands.


I have a question. Especially for the men.

If something in your marriage wasn't making you happy or maybe it just bothered you, would you talk to your spouse about it? Or would you keep your mouth shut and expect things to just change on their own?


The only thing I can think of that's different now from 15 years ago is that I'm serving God and he isn't. And that I'm also a better wife and mother than I was then. Not that I was horrible, but we should improve with age and maturity. But I still have the same personality, same interests, likes and dislikes that I had when he fell in love with me and wanted to marry me.


For those first few days after getting that devastating email from him, I was in a very dark place full of heartbreak and despair. I love this man so much and I told him several times a day how much I love him. I was (and am) a good, affectionate, loving, interested *ahem* and devoted wife.

This news from him hurt worse than I could ever describe. I even thought about suicide, but I know my kids need me. And speaking of my kids, it hurts to think of how this will hurt them. Just as it hurt them three years ago. But they're older now and it'll hurt more this time.

Today (well, yesterday now) is the first day where I've felt better about things, though nothing has improved as far as I can tell. I actually slept Friday night and I've been eating now. Though my appetite isn't back completely.


I'm trying to trust God. I don't want to lose my husband. I love him more than life itself. God gave him to me. I asked God, "Why did you give him to me if you knew he was going to do this to me at all, let alone twice?" I'm praying that God will save my husband and not let him do this to me again. I can't tell you how bad it hurts when the man you love completely and would never hurt, hurts you and tells you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Or how bad it hurts when your husband rejects you time after time.


Continued....

[Niki]

My husband knew for months what was bothering him and instead of talking to me about it, he kept his mouth shut for three or four months (perhaps longer) and then blindsided me when I didn't magically read his mind.


I sincerely believe that if he will turn to God, get refilled with the Holy Ghost and serve God, that things can only improve and he can only be happy. Like I told him, his unhappiness is inside of him and will always be there until he starts serving God again.

He seemed to be fine until he started working this job five years ago. It's as if he's allowed his worldly co-workers to influence him and lead him astray.

Am I wrong to pray that he loses this job? I'm praying that God will give him a job where his co-workers will be a positive influence, not a worldly influence.


So what am I  doing? Well, I've been trying to send him positive and encouraging emails. And I pray a lot, of course. I will continue to serve God and go to church. I'm trying to have faith, but it's hard. And even though I feel like my place is here in the home as a homemaker and stay-at-home mom (something we both agreed on before and that God has told me to do), I'm going to try to find a second job this week. One that I will only have to work while my kids are in school. Even though I showed my husband (via a dual-income calculator) that my getting a job (I'm only qualified for minimum wage jobs) will actually hurt us financially, he said that he doesn't "believe it for a second".   So I guess he needs proof.

We have only a little debt, compared to most people, and one of those debts will be paid off before the end of the year. The other two are our house and car. My husband pays the bills on time and we have enough for extra things in life. But I could tell he was feeling pressure (layoffs in the company several months back), so I quit asking for money for myself many months ago. Not that I ever asked for a lot.


I know that he is better than this. I remember the real him. This man he is now is not really him. My real husband is a good man. He's loving and affectionate and attentive and generous and kind. He would never hurt me for any reason, let alone for his own gain. My real husband puts our love and marriage first before himself. This man he is now is a stranger.


Please help me pray for my husband! I want him refilled with the Holy Ghost and serving God. Our kids need a godly father and I need a godly husband. I want him back home with us where he belongs, loving me with all his heart, being the kind of husband he's supposed to be and that I need him to be, and with a different job that pays him just as well (if not more) and doesn't send him away so much. I told him a few months ago that him being away so much was going to hurt our marriage. I know that it his job and him being backslidden that has hurt our marriage.


Thank you for your prayers!


~

[Niki]

Oh, sorry. I forgot something. There's actually a whole lot I could tell, but believe it or not, I'm trying not to overwhelm y'all with too much to read. lol


Another thing he said is that he's lonely. (He also said that he has not cheated and doesn't have a girlfriend, because I had said something about that months ago in a not-so-serious way.) In one of my emails I told him that of course he's lonely. He's gone for months at a time. That's not my fault. When he is home, I try to spend as much time with him as I can. He should not feel lonely when he's home. I stick to him like glue as much as I can when he's here.


He also told me that even though he's not going to divorce me, that if I met someone who could make me happy (because he thinks he can't make me happy, though I never acted unhappy or told him I was unhappy; I was very happy) and that I wanted to marry, that he would give me a divorce so that I could marry this other man.

That made me so angry and hurt me so deeply. As I've said to him a million times, he is my one and only. I don't want anyone else and there never will be anyone else. God gave him to me and me to him. He is mine and I am his. Period. It hurt me that he could think that I would stop loving him or give up on him.

I will not give up on him! He has my heart and I love him with everything that is in me. I've told him this millions of times, ever since we were married. He is the only one for me.

[Niki]

I'm sorry for how long all this was. I promise I did try to keep it short and I kept out some details.


I want to know what fellow Holy Ghost-filled, Jesus name-baptized believers think. And I need your prayers. My husband needs your prayers. I want my husband saved and our marriage saved. I will not give up.


Thank you.

[EricShane]

If something in your marriage wasn't making you happy or maybe it just bothered you, would you talk to your spouse about it? Or would you keep your mouth shut and expect things to just change on their own?

i probably wouldnt say anything, guys dont normally like to talk about things.

although, Ive read this whole thing.. pretty strange, indeed.. maybe im missing something entirely, but.. He aint just gonna leave for 'no reason' apparently theres something going wrong, which is probably not even your fault at all.. - Just know, the Lord will never leave you or forsake you! Even when you feel he has, or you feel he's so far.. He'll be with you all way!

[Sis]

Without getting into a lot, I think you're right about him making excuses and there's something deeper. Only God can reveal that if he won't. I've been on the receiving end of this kind of thing, and I know that men hate to talk about things like that, and make excuses to cover for what's really bothering them, so they play the blame game. They hate to deal with feelings so they won't usually talk. They don't want to deal with your feelings, either, so they don't talk.

My heart hurts for you, friend. We'll be praying for you is all I can say.

[mini]

Not just to side with you Niki, I think there is something deeper than just you. 

Being a guy, and a idjut at least 90% of the time, and plum stupid the other 10%, I know when I get upset with something I "see" in my wife, it is a REFLECTION of something I see in myself.

Please understand this, and it is not meant to be chauvinistic in any way:  God made man in HIS image. The woman REFLECTS the image.  If hes seeing something in you he doesn't like, its his own reflection, not yours.

[Scott]

Niki

All I can say is WOW, and I am so very sorry to hear this.

I remember the problem from 2006 and hoped it had just gotten better.    We will pray.

[Melody]

will be praying Niki.

Mini's post is what I was going to say as well.   (It often even works the same with our kids.)

Whatever is going on, you have some info.  Porn is involved.  You have to realize he is in a delusion because of that.  They watch that junk and think if you're not swinging from the rafters and screaming like a banchee that you're not into it.    It works the same way for women who read those stupid romance novels more than their Bible, and maybe at all.  It creates a FALSE representation of what love, romance and sex is about and then a destructice expectation.

You asked what we think.  I think what the Bible says.  If they leave, let them.  If they stay, let them.  

1Cr 7:11      But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to [her] husband: and let not the husband put away [his] wife.

You will hear church folks say all kinds of stuff on marriage and divorce and remarriage, but the Bible speaks for itself.  God makes it clear that the spouse can leave but that a door be left open for reconciliation.  There are TOO MANY stories from spouses that prayed and fasted and seen thier spouse won to God completely!  You are ONE and your part of the oneness can WIN the entirety because God is in it all.  

Nothing is impossible to them that love the Lord, nothing is impossible to them that believe.  God_does_not_lie.  I believe you when you say you love him more than life itself and that is the kind of love that will persevere until you see him won.

Just a moment back into the presence of God can put things back on track Niki.  The farther people get from God, the harder it is to remember what God really is. But God can move into his room any night and saturate him because of your prayers.  

Something can be God's will but we always have a choice.  He is the man God had for you and it was His will from what you have said.  But your husband still has a choice.  This world is not our home Niki, the pain and hardship is only a training ground.  It is worth enduring Sister.  It's not just about you and him either.  You are demonstrating to your children what LOVE, ie: GOD looks like!  God does not give up, and neither should you!  I know you're not.

Pray for your children along with your spouse.  They need to not be sheltered, they need to understand and see God work.  You can't keep what's happening from them, but you can have answers from God for them.  And you can beam with love for your husband and them even when you're in pain.  They will wrestle within themselves but your testimony will lead them.  

Stay faithful to church, but more than that- prayer and Bible reading.  Fellowship x 3.  

The thought occured to me: what if you get a job, do everything you can and let him do his thing?  He may just see afresh that he is on the outside of something beautiful that he actually does want to be a part of.  

You know who and what you are.  The devil is lying to him and he is telling you those lies.  The devil is a liar Niki!  You are beautiful, I don't have to see you.  You are valuable to God and thus valuable period.  Not everyone knows how to treat a grand piano or see the brilliance in an art piece.  Not everyone can tell the difference between a diamond and a zirconium.  You are lightyears beyond the value of these things!  Your husband cannot see it right now because like Mini said, he's not really looking at you, he's focused on himself.

You are spoken for before and after your husband.  You belong to God first, HE is your eternal groom.  Sometimes a spouse will manifest God's husbandry and other times he won't.  But your Lover, your all in all, is Jesus.  Let him ravish you, Niki, let the Holy Ghost comfort you.

[Niki]

Thank you all for your words and prayers.

He came home for a few hours today. His boss flew him in from Washington State to pick up some contracts for work that would take too long to arrive if shipped.

We (including the kids) went out to eat for lunch, then played tennis for an hour or so. He had to leave shortly after that to catch his flight. We didn't get any time alone together. When he was ready to leave, I started to walk with him to the door, but I began to cry, so I walked back to our bedroom. After kissing and hugging our kids, he came back to the room (my back was to him) and he asked me if I was going to kiss him goodbye. I couldn't speak because I was crying, so I nodded my head. He came around and hugged me and then I really cried. Then he kissed me and left.

*sigh* I'm afraid to hope that his hug (he held on for awhile) and kiss are a good sign.

[myhaloisintheshop]

Know Im praying for you. 

Ive been there.  I know the feelings.  I also know a God that showed up and did a complete work in my marriage.


PM me if you need to chat.

[RainbowJingles]

I've never been married, and have little right to interject much but prayers into this topic, but pelase know that I will be praying, Niki.

**HUGS**

Have you ever read the book "Love and Respect" by any chance?

[Niki]

On the job front: I checked no less than 12 stores and no one's hiring. Doesn't surprise me. With all the layoffs (thousands of them), people who no longer have their preferred jobs are taking whatever they can get.

To be honest though, I'm fine with that. Our bills are getting paid just fine and we're nowhere close to going hungry or losing anything.


Rainbow,
No, I've never read it.

~

[SippinTea]

Oh Niki, my heart hurts for you. I can't offer any helpful words, but I will pray for you and your husband.

~Ruby

[Niki]

I thought of something the other night as I was getting in the bed. I was almost 22 when I got married. I was young, selfish, demanding, immature (compared to now), stubborn (I'm still stubborn, but not as bad). For the first 10 years (or close to it) of our marriage, I didn't cook or clean often, wasn't really interested in sex and I shopped a lot. Yet my husband never once broke my heart or threatened to leave me.

Now I cook good meals almost every night, I clean the house often, I'm much more interested in sex, I hardly ever go shopping (even though he makes more money than he did in the days when I was always shopping), I'm less selfish, wiser, more mature, less demanding (I make hardly any demands), less stubborn.

I may not be as young as I used to be, but I'm definitely better than I used to be. I'm the best I've ever been, and hopefully I will continue to improve.

And yet, it's while I'm at my best that my husband breaks my heart and threatens to leave me.

What gives? I'll tell you. Those first ten or eleven years of our marriage my husband was in church and serving God. His thinking was clear on what marriage is and how important those vows are and he loved me no matter what. But for the past four or five years of our marriage, he has not been serving God and he has not always been thinking clearly. So even though he has a wife who is the best wife and mother she's ever been and who loves him with all her heart and shows it, without God it's too easy for him to walk away over an unhappiness that comes from within himself.

Basically, it comes down to where he is spiritually. It reminds me of that saying. "If you live for God easy, it's hard. But if you live for God hard, it's easy." He's not living for God at all, and so doing the right thing (in life and in our marriage) is difficult for him right now apparently. And without the love of God inside of you, how can you truly love the way you're supposed to - unconditionally, completely, purely, without end?

I'm just going to keep holding on. I'm going to keep doing what I know to do and what I know is right. I'm going to keep serving God and loving my husband. And I will tell him everyday that I love him. And I will wait for as long as I have to for him to come home to me and to get right with God. What other choice do I have? Give up on my husband and divorce him? (Which would be a sin.) Stop loving him? Leave God? No. I will not do those things.

I'm just going to hang on until this roller coaster is done. It's all I know to do.

[Melody]

That's awesome Niki.  Sounds like God is speaking to your heart.

[Zophar]

Niki,

Talk to your pastor about finding a good marriage counselor.  He probably knows some that are Christian based and work on a sliding scale.  Ask your husband to go with you.  If he will not go, go alone.  You are worth it.

[Sis]

   Hey Zo!  Long time no see.

[RainbowJingles]

Niki: I was just curious.  For me, it changed my perspective on my relationship with the men in my life overall.  I realized that some things I was doing weren't coming across as I intended.  It may not help in your situation, but it is definitely a great way to get a renewed perspective on things.

**HUGS** Niki again

[Sis]

Not much I can say but just wanted to you to know I



And praying for ya!

[Sis]

Praying!

[Niki]

He moved out and is staying in the camper he said he bought for the family but actually bought for himself. I don't know exactly where he is. Probably about 30 minutes or so from here, closer to his job.

He came home (though not our house) on Saturday and spent most of the day with our son. I had to track him down with our daughter. When I met up with him and Sean, he barely looked at me or spoke to me. And when I asked if we could talk alone and have my mom watch the kids that evening, he said no. That he had to get his camper off his friend's land and move it somewhere so that he could sleep there that night.  

So when we got to our house (he was in a work truck and I was in my car), I walked to his truck as quickly as I could and told Sean not to close the door. (He was going to drive off as soon as Sean closed the door.) I got in with my husband, closed and locked the door and tried to talk to him. He was emotionless and unmovable. I won't go into what we (mostly I) talked about. Other than him saying that "we don't have anything in common". After 15 years, that's the excuse he's using for leaving me and the kids? In spite of promising  to never leave me.

He does answer the phone when I call and acts normal, but he's made no moves in the right direction. It's very discouraging.

I know that he's just making excuses and I suspect that he just wants to live as if he's a single man.

The kids still don't know what's happened, but they could figure it out if my husband doesn't come to his senses soon. They've asked me a few times where Daddy is and all I can say is, "I don't know". Which is true. I don't know where he is exactly. There are a few small towns he could be camping out in. But I know I can't keep saying, "I don't know" before they figure out that something is wrong. I always know where he is and can tell them. It's not normal for me not to know.

As I said, he answers the phone when I call (except for at night when he's at his camper; I guess he doesn't get a good signal there) and I talk to him a few times a day. He told me today that he may be going to New York this weekend. I don't know how long he'll be gone.

I hate that I can't speak to him at night. We'd have more time for actual conversation at night. And if something important comes up or there's an emergency, I won't be able to get up with him. Of course, if he were here where he belongs, I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Anyway, y'all please keep praying. I'm thinking he may have to keep running from God for awhile longer before he gets desperate enough and low enough to turn around.

In the meantime, I'll be waiting for him and praying. What else can I do?


~

[JoyGirl]

Many prayers are going up for you!! 

[LeahMarie]

Praying for you

[Raven180]

I thought of something the other night as I was getting in the bed. I was almost 22 when I got married. I was young, selfish, demanding, immature (compared to now), stubborn (I'm still stubborn, but not as bad). For the first 10 years (or close to it) of our marriage, I didn't cook or clean often, wasn't really interested in sex and I shopped a lot. Yet my husband never once broke my heart or threatened to leave me.

Here's a thought. (I know you don't know me, and I don't ask for what I'm going to write to be taken into any kind of extra-special consideration. Just think about it.)

After reading this quote, and knowing a little something about the male psyche, I wonder if the issue at heart is a combination of expectation and unforgiveness.

Let me explain.

Let us assume that when you and he fell in love and were set to marry, the proverbial blinders were on to some degree (seems to happen to everyone who marries). Let us assume that there were likely things about you and him that neither one of you yet knew, or were willing to overlook at the time because the force of your love overpowered, in some small or even large way, the rational mind. (Perhaps just a little?)

Anyways, it may be possible that your husband had a type of expectation for you that, as you admit in the above quote, wasn't met. Maybe he expected you, off the bat, to be selfless, undemanding, mature, pliable (vs. stubborn), that you would cook, clean, be a ready partner in the marriage bed, and be someone who wasn't going to spend what he likely felt was "his" money. After all, you were ready to marry within two weeks, was it? And were married within 7 months? No one can know everything about anyone within that amount of time. Somethings about you probably blindsided him after you got married. But he, willing and wanting to be the dutiful, Christian husband thought he was supposed to forgive and not talk about it, that to confront would not be love as God demands of husbands.

Perhaps these were his expectations and what happened??? And if what you admit about yourself was true, then after ten years of not having his expectations met (whether his expectations were/are fair is not what I'm trying to address, just that he probably had some, illegitimate as they may or may not have been), and after ten years of probably doing the typical male thing, i.e. stuffing everything down deep inside because it's easier not to deal than to confront, thinking he was more honorably loving you by doing this, he reached a tipping point. The job came, escape came, and in his unforgiveness for you not meeting his expectations after so long, he flew the coupe.

He's not going to see the changes you've made over the years. He's only going to remember the first ten. Until the past can be dealt with, forgiven and if not forgotten, at least letting the pain of it all become a distant memory, there may not be a future. Especially without God, Whom he will not have access to as long as unforgiveness is in his heart. Like you said, he says his problem is not with God. That leaves only him, or you, or both of you. But ultimately, it's still with God, since God authored your marriage and is the only One that can fix it.

However, I will say this. Men spell love, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Aretha Franklin didn't write that famous song. Ottis Redding did, and he sang it to his wife, not the other way around. Know what I saying? A man wants, nay needs "his propers when he gets home", as the song states. As Paul wrote, "see that the wife reverence her husband." As crazy as it may seem, wives are to, in a way that glorifies God, worship their husbands. Just look up the Greek word for reverence. And men/husbands are programmed by God to expect it. When husbands don't get it, their jealousy (again programmed in by God, but tainted by sin) will kick in.

So, if he expected you (during that first ten years) to be something you weren't, he may have felt such an inner, hurtful disrespect (warranted or not) that inwardly crushed his spirit and caused him to fall out of love (i.e. becoming unwilling to keep his commitment).

After ten years or so, something switched in him and he went off.

Like I said, just a thought, something to consider. Reject it as necessary, accept it only if the Lord confirms it as wisdom.

But there may need to be some humility and some soul searching on both parts. It always take two. Rarely, except with God, are both party's completely innocent. Even if your conscience is clear, his is possibly still offended (at least it seems that way, according to what you've written).

It may seem a strange thing to seek his forgiveness, especially since you're not the one who left, and aren't the one causing the current pain. But if he was at all hurt by what you've already said about yourself in the above quote, then you're the only one who can take the pain away. By, believe it or not, apologizing.

Granted, in a perfect world, he should just forgive and not require it of you. However, an apology, heartfelt and deep, goes a long way, and sometimes is the only way, to heal and allow for forgiveness to come about, especially if you, after searching your heart, honestly answer that you didn't respect him by your behavior early in the marriage.

None of this is to excuse or permit his behavior. He has an obligation to love you as Christ loves the church, by giving himself to you and losing his life for your sake.

But what I've written is the other side. It doesn't make a lot of sense to women. Many baulk at the idea. But men know differently. If only we could understand how to love you as much as we need you to understand how much we need you to respect us. What a blessed marriage we'd all have. And many of us do, praise God. Those that understand this principle.

Hope this helped.

God bless,

Aaron

PS. Try to make sure you are accurately representing his side of things on this message board. After all, if he knew you were posting about this, would he be accepting and thankful, willing to also participate and share his side, or would it cause more problems? It can be a dangerous thing to bring outsiders into your marriage to ask for their help. Please be careful.