picture perfect

[newkris]

i wrote this a couple of years ago and forgot about it.  found it on 90&9.  hope it blesses you like it did me.

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A Picture Perfect Christ
By Kris A. Newman
October 10, 2005

I was thinking recently how sometimes I wonder where God is in the middle of my struggles.  Why can't I feel Him?  I have known Him a long, long time.  I have walked with Him through many struggles, and I've always felt His presence, without fail, in the worst of my days.  Until lately.  It seems He's just not there.

Now, when I need Him most, I can't seem to feel Him.

There have been times in the past when I literally felt His arms surround me and could almost literally see a wall around me keeping me from those things that would hurt me.  Honestly.  I would leave a time of prayer and feel as though I were walking behind a shield.  Wow!  God was so clearly real to me!

And now, when I need Him most, where is He?

I check and double-check and triple-check myself to see if there is any sin, any hidden, unbidden, unwanted part of me clinging without my knowledge.  Something must be separating me from Him that I'm just not catching.  I've asked others what they see.  After all, a real friend will tell you if you're wrong.  They tell me all is well.  Their respect for me is intact.  Still, why can't I feel Him?

I pray for others and see their needs met—signs, wonders, miracles.  He must be hearing me, at least when I pray for them.  What of my need?  What of my conflict?  Can't He hear me crying?  Why can't I feel Him?

The other day I was looking at a picture of my son as a baby.  He lay across my chest and we both were sleeping.  How I miss those simple days when the most important thing was to hold my son and rest.  The dishes waited, the dust collected, the phone was silent.  There was only he and I and quiet.  The importance of all of the "work" of motherhood didn't hold a candle to the importance of holding my son.  I knew one day he would outgrow me and there would be no other opportunities to be that close.

That said, have you ever had someone invade your space?  You know, that invisible wall we have built around us to warn us of intruders?  Some people, it seems, enjoy making others uncomfortable by purposely invading their personal space.  Sometimes, in a crowd, you might not notice someone has come close until they touch you.  Immediately, then, you pull away.  Though you might not mind someone you know well being close to you, yet you know they are there, they are in your space.

When looking at the picture of my son and me, I remembered holding him for so long that I could no longer tell where he began and I ended.  So comfortable, so close, so still would we become that we were almost one person.

In that picture, I suddenly saw myself held by my Lord.  I understood that He has held me from the beginning of my conflict until now.  It's been so long that I can no longer tell where I end and He begins.  His arms encircle me protectively.  He knows that nothing is to be done, nothing is more important than for Him to just hold me and make me be still.  He's there.  That's all I need to know.



ninetyandnine.com

© 2005, Kris Newman

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Though known to be rather tornado-like in action, Kris Newman has been seen sitting for hours with grandson, Mavrik John, quietly watching the world go by.

[SippinTea]

*big sigh*

Thanks, Kris.