Misc. stuff

[Lynx]

A man came out of the dentist chair and went by the front desk to pay his bill.  As the receptionist was counting out the change he muttered, "I was really offended by that word the dentist used while he was working on my mouth."

The receptionist said, "You must have misheard him.  That man never cusses."

"Oh I heard him right and he used a four letter word I found offensive.  He said 'Oops!'"

[taco_harvell]

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

[taco_harvell]

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[Lynx]

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of idiots, huh sir?"





A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

[taco_harvell]

Ever had a car that was just a headache to own?

[Babs]

lol

[taco_harvell]

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.

They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.

In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:

"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

[Lynx]

Love it!  Must have been one bumpy flight.


One sunny day a pilot misjudged the landing and came down a bit harder than he intended.  Unfortunately his airline's policy was that the pilot and stewardesses stand by the door and greet everyone as they disembark, so he then had to face a crowd of passengers who had just been pummeled by his hard landing.  Everyone was nice though as he stood there smiling uncomfortably.  Nobody mentioned the rough landing - except for the last passenger, a small elderly lady.  As she passed the pilot she stopped and said, "I just have one question.  Did we land or were we shot down?"

[taco_harvell]

One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

[taco_harvell]

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric over sized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

[Lynx]

Thank God I don't have a boss like that!
Someone here probably does though, so this is for you.


When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

[taco_harvell]

[taco_harvell]

In the game of Scrabble, having too many vowels is a consonant struggle.

[The Purple Fuzzy]

[taco_harvell]

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot.

He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without
Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.

All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and
muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn,
his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware
that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights
of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an
entire hour?"

[taco_harvell]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."



(And that's the rest of the joke.)

[Babs]

Hahah thanks!!

[taco_harvell]

An impish boy turned over the porta-pottie at his father's contruction site. His father later questioned him about it and the boy confessed to the prank. His father spanked him for committing the vandalism. But the boy protested that George Washington's father did not spank him because he told the truth. The boy's father looked squarely in his eyes and said, "Yes, but George Washington's father was not in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."

[taco_harvell]

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150." After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

[taco_harvell]

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

[The Purple Fuzzy]

[Kloey]

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

[Lynx]

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).

A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

[taco_harvell]

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

[taco_harvell]

The police recently busted a young man selling "secret formula"
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. The arresting
officer and the desk sergeant went through their records.

"Look! This is the fifth time this guy has been arrested
for this same criminal medical fraud."

"When were his priors?"

"He was arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983."