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Started by Sis, December 20, 2008, 10:11:44 PM

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taco_harvell

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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TheGirl

These jokes are halrious!! :laughhard:

taco_harvell

While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
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taco_harvell

"A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.

This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
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Sis



yosemite

there was once a man who was on trial for murder. when he took the stand to tell his story here is what he said. a man broke into my house and scared me as he stood there with a big knife. as he approached me i shot him. the judge being surprised and somewhat confused asked him, but why did you shoot him 10 times? the defendent replied, "He kept moving". :laughhard:
My conscience is captive to the Word of God.Thus I cannot and will not recant, for going against my conscience is neither safe nor salutary. I can do no other, here i stand, God help me. Amen      -Martin Luther

samzup

" How is your wife?" A man asked a friend he had not seen in years. "She's in heaven," replied the friend. "Oh, I'm sorry." said the man. Then he realized that was not the thing to say, so he added, "I mean, I'm glad." And that made it even worse! Thinking again, he finally came out with, " Well, I'm surprised."

taco_harvell

A man asks an American Indian, "What is your wife's name?"

"She called Five Horses."

"That's an unusual name. What does it mean?"

"It old Indian Name. It mean ... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG."
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Sis



samzup

A very young boy asked his father, 'Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first go up to the pulpit to give your sermon, you bow your head for a moment. What are you doing?'
The father answered, 'I'm asking the Lord to give me a good message.'
The boy inquired, 'Then why doesn't he?'

taco_harvell

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being
posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a
man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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taco_harvell

"The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow.

"Your name was written inside the cover."
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samzup

WHEW! Praise the Lord!  :clap:


                   
                                           I'm a flyin squirrel!

Sis

LOL Where was that taken.


samzup

#39
Panama City, Florida.  Allen said I looked like flying squirrel with that big shirt on. lol  I thought it was funny. I had just came out of the water and was sopping wet. Just as I had kicked up my leg and yelled Praise the Lord, the sand shifted under my foot and my leg sank down into the sand. haha It looks like I was planted there. But man that was a fun trip!

samzup

#40
*Tonight's sermon: 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
*Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk come early.
*Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the vicar in his office.
*This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Richards to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
*The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.
*For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
*Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
*Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning.
Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won't take long!'

* On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

*Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Parish Hall this Saturday. We need lots volunteers to join the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows will need extra attention.

* Evangelist Roger Hills Sunday Morning Service 10:30. Am Sermon: "Preparing For Marriage"
Evening Service at 6:00 PM: "A Look At Hell"

taco_harvell

My friend was a prominent Chicago surgeon who was a member
of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ
Hospital. He would operate in the morning, then field calls
about his patients in the evening.

Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone
talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other
phone rang. His wife answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling."

He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back.
I'm talking to Christ."
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Sis



taco_harvell

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.

"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
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The Purple Fuzzy


taco_harvell

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor for a test a month later. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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taco_harvell

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.

Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.

Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
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taco_harvell

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. "I'm afraid her mind's completely gone," he said. "Makes sense," mumbled the man. "She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years."
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taco_harvell

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church.

"It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."
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taco_harvell

A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.

One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there."



:o :o :o
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