During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
:groan:
:spitlaugh: Love it.
:beret:
One for and one Boooo!
:laughhard:
That was great!
Two for and one Boooo!
:rofl:
Woo hoo.
Now you and have two for and one boo and one woo hoo. ;)
I see 3 for, 1 whoo hoo, and 1 boo...
:bigcheese:
i didnt get it.
(http://i386.photobucket.com/albums/oo305/kazphoto/Christian/Sometimes-God-Calms-Print-C12525-1.jpg)
*sigh*
Thanks for reminding me. :smirk2:
Oooo...
I REALLY REALLY like that one...
:thumbsup2:
lololololol. hilarious. ima gunna use it.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving fu...rther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.''How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
A man once had a farm that sat on the border of Minnesota, and Iowa. He was always wondering which state his farm was actually in.
One day he had a land surveyor come to find out. After some time the land surveyor came back to the man and informed him that he was a proud owner of an Iowa farm.
With a sigh of relief the... farmer looked back at him and with a smile on his face said, "Yes! No more Minnesota winters!"
HALLLALUUUARRRR :hyper:
one day a father went to discipline his child and told him "this is gonna hurt me more than you". the child responded and said, " yeah, but not in the same place"!! :cry2:
Quote from: yosemite on March 11, 2010, 10:51:37 AM
one day a father went to discipline his child and told him "this is gonna hurt me more than you". the child responded and said, " yeah, but not in the same place"!! :cry2:
LOL!
Quote from: EricShane on January 02, 2009, 12:40:29 PM
i didnt get it.
over a year later and I just got it! LOL
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana is truly superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there!"
"Naturally!" the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"
:biglaugh: :laughhard: :biglaugh:
Tom was invited to his friend's house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, "I think it's nice you still call your wife all those pet names." "To tell you the truth," his friend said, "I forgot her name abut three years ago."
boy if she ever found out..... :pound:
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
These jokes are halrious!! :laughhard:
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
"A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
:roll: Um, yeah! LOL
there was once a man who was on trial for murder. when he took the stand to tell his story here is what he said. a man broke into my house and scared me as he stood there with a big knife. as he approached me i shot him. the judge being surprised and somewhat confused asked him, but why did you shoot him 10 times? the defendent replied, "He kept moving". :laughhard:
" How is your wife?" A man asked a friend he had not seen in years. "She's in heaven," replied the friend. "Oh, I'm sorry." said the man. Then he realized that was not the thing to say, so he added, "I mean, I'm glad." And that made it even worse! Thinking again, he finally came out with, " Well, I'm surprised."
A man asks an American Indian, "What is your wife's name?"
"She called Five Horses."
"That's an unusual name. What does it mean?"
"It old Indian Name. It mean ... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG."
:laughhard: @ Sam
:roll: @ Taco
A very young boy asked his father, 'Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first go up to the pulpit to give your sermon, you bow your head for a moment. What are you doing?'
The father answered, 'I'm asking the Lord to give me a good message.'
The boy inquired, 'Then why doesn't he?'
Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being
posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.
Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a
man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."
"The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow.
"Your name was written inside the cover."
WHEW! Praise the Lord! :clap:
(http://i1002.photobucket.com/albums/af145/samzup/SCAN0001.jpg)
I'm a flyin squirrel!
LOL Where was that taken.
Panama City, Florida. Allen said I looked like flying squirrel with that big shirt on. lol I thought it was funny. I had just came out of the water and was sopping wet. Just as I had kicked up my leg and yelled Praise the Lord, the sand shifted under my foot and my leg sank down into the sand. haha It looks like I was planted there. But man that was a fun trip!
*Tonight's sermon: 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
*Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk come early.
*Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the vicar in his office.
*This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Richards to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
*The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.
*For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
*Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
*Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning.
Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won't take long!'
* On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
*Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Parish Hall this Saturday. We need lots volunteers to join the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows will need extra attention.
* Evangelist Roger Hills Sunday Morning Service 10:30. Am Sermon: "Preparing For Marriage"
Evening Service at 6:00 PM: "A Look At Hell"
My friend was a prominent Chicago surgeon who was a member
of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ
Hospital. He would operate in the morning, then field calls
about his patients in the evening.
Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone
talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other
phone rang. His wife answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back.
I'm talking to Christ."
:laughat: Oh my!
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.
"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
Tee hee. :lol:
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor for a test a month later. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.
Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.
Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. "I'm afraid her mind's completely gone," he said. "Makes sense," mumbled the man. "She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years."
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church.
"It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there."
:o :o :o
Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was "Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth." His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he had learned.
He immediately told her all bout "Jesus and the 12 recycles."
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Tired after a day of hiking, a traveler stopped
at an inn run by a holy order. He went to the
dining room and ordered fish and chips. Perhaps
it was sheer exhaustion or perhaps they were
really good, but he decided that these were the
tastiest fish and chips he'd ever had. He
insisted on complimenting the chef.
He went into the kitchen, where he encountered
a man in a brown robe with a white rope belt,
clerical collar and bald on top standing over a
stove. He asked the man, "Are you the fish,
Friar?"
To which the man replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."
In our Anglican church (the Catholic church
too), each service begins with a greeting.
The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be
with you." The congregation used to respond
by saying, "And with thy spirit."
But with the modernizing of the liturgy, the
minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and
everyone responds with, "And also with you."
One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church
where the sound system was known to be old and
unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he
tapped it several times and finally said,
"There's something wrong with this!"
Without hesitation, the whole congregation
answered faithfully, "And also with you."
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
As an English professor, my father would often write little notes
on student essays. Often he worked late, and as the hours passed,
his handwriting deteriorated. One day a student came to him after
class with an essay that had been returned. "Mr. McDonald," he said,
"I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." My father
took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says
that you should write more legibly."
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."
Quote from: taco_harvell on October 09, 2010, 04:34:02 PM
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."
BOL! that is totally awesome!
and then what happened? what did he do?
*grin*
:beret:
What were y'all doing in Panama City, Sam? :sadbounce:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
"Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest."
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years..
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list
14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
Over at the clubhouse they tell about one guy who had bad eyesight and needed someone to spot where he hit the golf ball. They paired him up with a 92 year old. When he expressed misgivings about this match they assured him the elder golfer had eyes like a hawk.
So they got to the first hole and the nearsighted guy teed off. The 92 year old stood staring off into the distance for a good minute before the myopic man finally asked him if he had seen where the ball went. "Yup," said the old man, "I saw exactly where it went."
"Well, where is it?"
"I forgot."
An Amish man awoke one night to hear a burglar prowling around his home. He quietly got his shotgun, walked up behind the burglar and said, "Pardon me friend. I wouldn't hurt you for the world, but you are standing right where I am about to shoot."
A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.
The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."
The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"
The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."
( They said, the motel room was quite nice.)
One day when the husband was off at work, the kids off at school and the wife was cleaning house, a strange dog wandered in the front door. He lay down beside the couch in the living room and went to sleep. Two hours later he got up, strolled out the front door and wandered off. The next day the same thing happened - the dog came in, took a nap for a couple of hours and left.
The third day the lady of the house wrote a note and stuck it under the dog's collar. It read, "In case you're wondering where your dog is, he comes to our house and takes a nap every day. We don't mind, but I wanted you to know where he is."
The fourth day the dog came back, with a reply tucked under his collar. It read, "This dog lives in a house with four kids, three of which are below school age. He is trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come over with him tomorrow?"
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician's office included the line item "Behavior modification reinforcers."
Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician's office to inquire, "What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?"
"Lollipops," was the reply.
One night at an economy motel, a businessman ordered a 6am wake-up call. The next morning he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, the businessman let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6am!" he complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows:
"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I'd be up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud."
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.
Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
Left.
Gift of Helps
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."
True Story from Duane Garren's Facebook page
Most of you know we have 4 year old twins, (Andy & Allie) and a 3 year old, (Macy). They're 14 months apart in age. There is never a dull moment at our house! Allie said, "Dad, how many kids will I have?" to which I said, "It depends on what God has in store." She said, "HE has a store?!!"
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" She said, "Because everybody else always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men!'"
While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."
The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:
"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."
GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE
"Hello. You have reached Nana and Grampa. We're
not able to come to the phone right now. If you
are one of our children, dial 1 and then select
from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who
it is.
If you need us to watch your children, press 2.
If you want to borrow our car, press 3.
If you want us to do your laundry, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here
tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school,
press 6.
If you want us to have you to dinner on Sunday or
to bring it to your house, press 7.
If you need money, press 8.
If you are calling to invite us to dinner or a
movie, start talking; we are listening."
Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
Those are great!
yeah my favorite is #9 lol
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
The first man on the moon was from Ohio.
It sounds like a lot of people are really trying to get out of Ohio.
Quote from: taco_harvell on March 16, 2011, 06:45:17 AM
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
The first man on the moon was from Ohio.
It sounds like a lot of people are really trying to get out of Ohio.
well.. I concur with that statement! lol
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I'm sure glad I never get that forgetful, knock on wood..."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I don't know if she kept her job, but this excuse takes top prize for honesty. A lady called in to say she wouldn't be at work. When asked why, she said, "Well I was driving to work and I suddenly realised I had taken the wrong road... and then I just decided to keep driving."
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, "Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
Quote from: taco_harvell on March 19, 2011, 03:18:54 AM
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
LOL good one!!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
... Because he felt crummy.
There's two muffins in the oven.
One says "Man! Its burning up in here!"
The other one says "Hey look! A talking Muffin!!!"
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Quote from: taco_harvell on March 19, 2011, 07:29:52 AM
There's two muffins in the oven.
One says "Man! Its burning up in here!"
The other one says "Hey look! A talking Muffin!!!"
At one youth retreat-ish gathering here in Tennessee there was one young man who told a variation of this joke over and over. He was the only one who laughed at it, everyone else just looked at him oddly. He told the joke every time someone else walked up... at least 25 times before I walked away. That's why we looked at him oddly.
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting alot of firewood'
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.
Quote from: taco_harvell on March 20, 2011, 05:10:22 PM
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
lol
My family wanted to do something to honor my nephew, a Ranger with the Army's 101st Airborne, who had been sent to Iraq. So, with the help of her four-year-old grandson, Chandler, my sister tied a yellow ribbon on the tree in her front yard. "Why are we doing this, Grandma?" Chandler asked.
"It's for your uncle," she said.
As he watched his grandmother attach the bow, Chandler remarked quietly, "A tree's not much of a present."
True Answer
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.
Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court,
each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having
in the apartment building where they lived.
The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed,
"Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
George: "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."
Fred: "What did she say?"
George: "No!"
A man came out of the dentist chair and went by the front desk to pay his bill. As the receptionist was counting out the change he muttered, "I was really offended by that word the dentist used while he was working on my mouth."
The receptionist said, "You must have misheard him. That man never cusses."
"Oh I heard him right and he used a four letter word I found offensive. He said 'Oops!'"
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.
I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of idiots, huh sir?"
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Ever had a car that was just a headache to own?
(http://www.gratiswinks.org/guy-zidanes-his-car.jpg)
lol
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.
They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.
In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:
"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
Love it! Must have been one bumpy flight.
One sunny day a pilot misjudged the landing and came down a bit harder than he intended. Unfortunately his airline's policy was that the pilot and stewardesses stand by the door and greet everyone as they disembark, so he then had to face a crowd of passengers who had just been pummeled by his hard landing. Everyone was nice though as he stood there smiling uncomfortably. Nobody mentioned the rough landing - except for the last passenger, a small elderly lady. As she passed the pilot she stopped and said, "I just have one question. Did we land or were we shot down?"
One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"
"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.
"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."
Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric over sized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
Thank God I don't have a boss like that!
Someone here probably does though, so this is for you.
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
(http://www.emofaces.com/en/emoticons/l/laurel-amp-hardy-emoticon.gif)
In the game of Scrabble, having too many vowels is a consonant struggle.
:roll:
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot.
He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without
Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.
All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and
muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn,
his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware
that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights
of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an
entire hour?"
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
(And that's the rest of the joke.)
Hahah thanks!!
An impish boy turned over the porta-pottie at his father's contruction site. His father later questioned him about it and the boy confessed to the prank. His father spanked him for committing the vandalism. But the boy protested that George Washington's father did not spank him because he told the truth. The boy's father looked squarely in his eyes and said, "Yes, but George Washington's father was not in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150." After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."
:laughat:
Quote from: taco_harvell on April 05, 2011, 07:42:52 AM
I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."
:laughhard:
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).
A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
The police recently busted a young man selling "secret formula"
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. The arresting
officer and the desk sergeant went through their records.
"Look! This is the fifth time this guy has been arrested
for this same criminal medical fraud."
"When were his priors?"
"He was arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983."
Keep that dude away from me. When God's through with me I will have earned my rest, and not be interested at all in delaying it. :P I wanna see Heaven!
Bernard Lind was retired, but took odd jobs to make a
little extra money. One of his jobs was a taxi driver.
The cab company had a sign posted in all their cars
saying, "Your driver is: ______"
Bernie always got a kick out of watching his rider's
reactions when they read, "Your driver is: B.LIND."
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
Copper Wire:
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200-year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Wyoming reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Worland , Fred, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. He has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wyoming had already gone wireless."
I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured"!
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".
A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.
Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.
The note read:
"Hello. I have just hit your car, and I'm sorry to say I seem to have done a bit of damage to it. There are a good many people standing around here who saw the accident, and quite naturally they now think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number. Unfortunately I am not."
I heard of a young mother who went down to the nursery at a hospital and found her young husband peering down at his newborn baby who was asleep. The mother could tell he was captivated by the scene as he stood there looking toward the sleeping infant, seemingly just in awe. She was so touched that finally she tiptoed up behind him and slipped her arm through his and said, "honey, what are you thinking about?" He whispered, "I just can't understand how they're able to make a crib like that for just $89.95."
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"
"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."
"That's sounds lovely," said the woman. "What about your son?"
"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and she never will cook supper!"
Very Punny
Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers. One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine. When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."
Cash Extraction
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out. "I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started. "I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."
This teacher was trying to get through to her class about the importance of building a good vocabulary. She said, "If you use a word ten times it will be yours for life."
From the middle of the class she heard a little boy saying, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda..."
Sent to me by email. LOL!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, multiple wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc..... I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Folks, we're in trouble!
:spitlaugh:
How Dry Is It?
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
What's the purpose of the airplane propeller? To keep the pilot cool.
[If you don't think so, just let it stop and watch him sweat!]
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She follows them out of the library, out of town, and into a park. At this point she hides behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She sees the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog keeps repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she wrote:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
Cheaper Insurance
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."
My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
Hi-Larious, Isaac! :laughhard:
You're driving down the road and you come to a crossroad. You don't know which way to go. Beside the road you see three beings: A minister who always has his Sunday sermon prepared and ready to go by Thursday night, a minister who gets his Sunday sermon together on Saturday night and the Easter Bunny. Which one do you ask for directions?
Wait for it...
You ask the minister who throws his sermon together Saturday night. The other two are just figments of your imagination.
Which reminds me, I need to start working on my Children's Church lesson... >.>
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
I gues u have to know computers to understand that one. ?
1. She tried to install programs on her home computer from disks they used at work, so she hadn't paid for them herself.
2. She tried to install Windows programs on a Macintosh computer, which is grossly incompatible.
3. "Initialize" is Mac-speak for reformat - when she tried to get programs for free she wound up wiping out the programs.
(http://cdn.twentytwowords.com/wp-content/uploads/I-have-a-superpower.jpg)
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"
You can't do that now, they won't give ANY information.
Making Up For Lost Time
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on-time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared, and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country, he was told to turn due south. Knowing that this turn would throw him further behind schedule, with some agitation he inquired to the controller about the reason for the turn off course.
The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look, buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over six miles above the earth!"
The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747s collide!"
I was talking to a lady at work yesterday about the impending time change. She mentioned that when the time changed it always made her so tired and draggy the next day. I said "What do you mean? In the fall we GAIN an hour, how could you be tired with an extra hour of sleep?"
She said, "Yeah but staying up until 1:00am to change the clocks over wears me out!"
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner and
burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
- By Jack Prelutsky
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and
Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is
discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (it
runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through
the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
7. In spite of all this,
the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
The *12 Days of Christmas - Re-Examined*
In light of competition, global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination.
Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.
Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.
Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.
Happy Holidays!
Santa's Workshop Inc., a Limited Liability Partnership Corporation
Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree... Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree... Mind your tail when you are near the tree... If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open... And Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it...
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!
The four lifetime stages of Christmas:
1. When you believe in Santa.
2. When you don't believe in Santa.
3. When you are Santa.
4. When you look like Santa.
A new word: heavy dew.
Use in sentence: Can I heavy dew me a favor? :laughhard:
I'm told that a young mother enlisted the help of a friend in taking
her infant identical twins to the doctor. Since the waiting area was
full, the two women, each with a twin, were seated on opposite sides
of the room. After a few minutes someone commented, "It's amazing
how much those two babies look alike!"
The friend was quick to reply, "Well, they should. They have the
same father." I haven't heard whether the misunderstanding was ever
straightened out.
8 Dimwits
1.Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2.A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3.The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
4.A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
5.Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
6. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, and then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
7.When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
8.A Los Angeles man, who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5-mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Test Questions and Self-Evident Answers
In which battle did Stonewall Jackson die? His last one.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom of the page.
River Ravi flows in which state? Liquid.
What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage.
What is the main reason for failure? Exams.
What can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
What looks like half an apple? The other half.
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? Wet.
How can a man go eight days without sleeping? No problem, he sleeps at night.
How can you lift an elephant with one hand? You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Very large hands.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? No time at all, the wall is already built.
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Any way you want; concrete floors are very hard to crack.
A mother walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top. Mother: "Why did you pour out the whole box?" Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.' So, I'm looking for the seal."
While handing a 25 cents-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said. "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.
PERSPECTIVE
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!
A father said to his teenage daughter, "I want you home by 11:00 tonight."
"But Daddy," she protested, "I'm not a little girl anymore."
"You're right." he answered. "Better make it 10:00!"
:biglaugh:
Tips for student pilots.
1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
And a bonus tip:
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
(http://media-cache0.pinterest.com/upload/223209725252213451_U3E5uoqj_c.jpg)
:biglaugh:
Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version.
Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.
did you really lose your stuff?
No way, I have three backups on external hard drives. I put a lot of time into getting all those songs from old records, I'm not about to lose it to a hard drive failure. Offsite backup too - one of the hard drives I keep at church. Admittedly three external hard drives is a bit overboard for most people... but I'm fairly certain I'll never lose my files. :D
This was just something I picked up from a Cybersalt email and thought it was cute.
I read that "song" when I woke up this morning early...and when I fell back asleep, I was singing the Tim Hawkins Chick fl A song in my head. Lol!
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down. You have my Word!
Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in you Jell-O.
*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
A guy from Poland comes to the US and meets a nice girl and gets married. His English isn't very good but they get along ok. One day he runs to a lawyer's office and says he needs to get a divorce.
The lawyer says, "Do you have grounds?"
The Polish guy says, "Ve have an acre and a half."
The lawyer says, "No, I mean do you have a grudge?"
Polish guy: "Ve just have a carport, is that ok?"
Lawyer: "Well does your wife beat you up?"
Polish guy: "No, I always up first."
Lawyer: "Let's try it this way; why do you want a divorce?"
Polish guy: "My wife, she plan to kill me."
Lawyer: "How do you know?"
Polish guy: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle from drug store and I can read. On bottle it say, "Polish remover."
Ah good, rootbeer is back. I've missed your posts here.
FEW OF THE FUNNY SHORT LITTLE JOHNY JOKES :)
TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNY : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
JOHNY : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNY : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
JOHNY: Yes it's really strange , because I've got another pair just like that at home.
TEACHER : JOHNY, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
JOHNY: No, teacher, it's the same dog !!!
:hi:
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow
made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes? or did she say No?
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall
her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued:
"And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!
A blonde, holding a baby, walks into a drugstore and asks if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the storekeeper. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weigh the mother alone and subtract the mother's weight."
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Well," she says, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
But how would you get the mother to weigh herself without the baby? That would be telling her weight, which is something you never ask a lady to do. Or at least you never ask a lady to tell her weight if you want to keep your head on your shoulders. :P
I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes the peas taste funny
But they stick well to the knife
(Side note: The forum warned me that this thread hasn't been posted to in more than 120 days, so it might be considered a dead thread. Really, nobody has any jokes for more than 120 days?)
So once there was a trucker who made deliveries all over the country. He was a religious man and wherever he was on Sunday he would try to find a church of some kind to attend. One day in a small town in Montana he saw a church with a big sign out front, "The Church of the Golden Telephone." Curious, he stopped and walked inside. In the sanctuary, on the side wall, there was a golden telephone. He asked the pastor what was up with the gold phone on the wall. "Oh that's a direct line to God. Only $2,000 per call."
"Two thousand for one phone call?!" the trucker exclaimed. "That's pretty steep, even for long distance."
The pastor said, "Yes, but it IS a direct line to the big guy himself."
The truck driver decided to pass on making a call that day. But over the next few weeks, as he made deliveries across the country, he noticed these Churches of the Golden Telephone popping up all over the place. Wisconsin, New York, Nevada, even California... they were everywhere! And every time he stopped at one, the story was always the same. Golden telephone on the wall, direct line to God, $2,000 a call.
One day he made a delivery to West Tennessee. Driving through Jackson, he saw yet another of those churches so he stopped, mostly out of habit by now. In the sanctuary he saw the same kind of gold phone on the wall. The pastor of that church came up behind him and said, "Hey, wanna make a call to God?"
"I know" the trucker said, "$2,000 per call."
"Nope. 25 cents a call."
The trucker was startled. "Now wait a minute" he said, "I'm a truck driver and I've been all over the country, and everywhere I've stopped at one of these gold phone churches, it has been 2,000 bucks!"
The pastor said, "Yeah, but all those places it was long distance. Here it's a local call."