Funnies Updated 5/31 3:30 pm

[Ashlee]

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of 'Tater Tots'.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from France called the 'French Fries'. When she went out west, they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class 'Yukon Golds', or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so
when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......





A COMMONTATER!!

[Tricia Lea]

 

[mesipie]

lol...

[Ashlee]

I should try this one day at WAL*MART

[Backseat Radio]

 

I'd try that but I don't think they want to see me without a shirt on

[Ashlee]

LOL.  Me either, but it's still funny!

[The Purple Fuzzy]

Meeting With the Board
=======================

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished
to meet with the church board after the service.

The first man to arrive was a stranger.

"You misunderstood my announcement.
This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.

"I know," said the man.

"If there is anyone here more bored than I am,
I'd like to meet him."

[Sis]

My former pastor's first wife died after a bout with cancer. He remarried. I gave her a book, at her shower, that said 102 things to do during a dull sermon. It was just silliness.

That was Saturday. Sunday morning, he came up to me, stuck his finger in my face and said, "She's never going to need that book" then walked away laughing. 

[Sis]

[The Purple Fuzzy]

 Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay
woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot.    Obviously a
recent hit---no flies, no
smell.

 

What business could that poor kitty have had here?"
murmured Ellen.

 

"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..."    But
Ellen had already
grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll
just put my things
in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue."   
She dumped her
purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper
to cradle and lower
the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover
it.

 

They continued the short trek to the car in silence,
stashing their goods in
the trunk.   But it occurred to both of them that if they
left Ellen's
burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
they ate, Kay's
Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

 

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they
headed over to
Luby's Cafeteria.

 

After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a
window table, they had a
view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on
the trunk.

 

BUT not for long!!!!!    As they ate, they noticed a
black-haired woman in a
red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this
way and that, and then
hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.

 

She quickly walked out of their line of vision.    Kay and
Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement.    It all happened so
fast that neither of
them could think how to respond.   

 

  "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen.

 

"The nerve of that woman!"    Kay sympathized
with Ellen, but
inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the
grand surprise awaiting
the red-gingham thief.

 

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her
napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving
line.    Following her
gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman
with the Dillard's
bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly
pushing her tray
toward the cashier.

 

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing
the register, the
woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on
an empty chair and
began to eat.

 

After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she
casually lifted the
bag into her lap to survey her treasure.

 

Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her
rapt audience three
tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered
into the bag.    Her
eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping
noise.

 

The noise grew.

 

The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor,
wheezing and clutching her
upper chest.

 

The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer
in trouble and sent
the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich
maneuver.

 

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and
Kay, who remained
riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance arrived.

 

In a matter of minutes the black-haired woman emerged from
the crowd, still
gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.

 

Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting
ambulance, while a
third scooped up her belongings.

 

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she
disappeared behind the
ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her
stomach.

 

My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you
don't touch it,
guess she didn't have a wise mom like I do.    Serves
her right, God does
take care of those who do bad things!

[MelodyB]

BOL!!!

That was great!!!

[mesipie]

haha...too funny

[Somnic]

There were two skunks.  One was named In, and one was named Out.

Out went in and In went out

Outs mom told Out to go out and find In and bring him back in

So Out went out and found In and brought him back in.

Outs mom said "How did you find In so quick?"

He said "Instinks"

[The Purple Fuzzy]

OOPS
Meg confided that she wanted to be mummified in
the manner of the
ancient Egyptians. It was not until the screaming
died down and the
apartment was in total disarray that the thought
occurred to me that
she meant after she died.  -- David Gunter

[The Purple Fuzzy]

How To Install A Home Security System In The South


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
   14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
   and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

"Cooter"

[The Purple Fuzzy]

My boss sent this to me, thought someone might get a kick out of it:

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and   forget where they left them.                                               

                                                                           

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she  has 14 kids but doesn't really care.                                       

                                                                                                                                                   

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a   woman gain 5 lbs.                                                         

                                                                           

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.                 

                                                                           

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.               

                                                                           

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.                                     

                                                                           

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.                                 

                                                                           

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.               

                                                                           

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.                                                             

                                                                           

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.                                             

                                                                           

Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!                                                                     

                                                                           

Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like...'You  know sometimes I forget to eat!'.....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!                     

                                                                           

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.                                                       

                                                                           

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating  too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That's my idea of a perfect day!                   

[Sis]

Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like...'You  know sometimes I forget to eat!'.....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!   

I must be some kind of special stupid cuz I often forget to eat, or get too busy and don't think about it until Stevebert comes home. Then I have to throw together leftovers. LOL I don't have an appetite. I ate like a pig when I was skinny but I gained weight and lost my appetite.