a few funnies from the PC lady

[Babs]

Mothers Know All

    I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

    "Why?"

    "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

    At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

    "Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, but I said, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

    "Oh."

    We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

    "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy, right?"

[Babs]

Husband Tech Support

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner/Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

    As well, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.

    Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3, to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

    Signed, Jane

    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    Dear Jane:

    This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

    Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

    Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

    In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

    Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

    Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults.

[Babs]

Horrible email virus

    I was just made aware of this horrible virus by someone who contracted it. Be afraid ... be very afraid!

    A NEW VIRUS ... just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a new virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to mostly affect those of us who were born before 1960!

    Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:

    1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
    2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
    3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
    4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

[Babs]

Good Fairy

    A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.

    The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hand.

    The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger ... Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety.

    Gotta love that fairy!!

[Babs]

Clyde's Case

    A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'," asked the lawyer?

    Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you, I was loadin' my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."

    "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road ..."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

    Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi - truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin', real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' Now, what would you say?"

[Babs]

Chocolate

    Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
    A bean is a vegetable.
    Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.
    Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category.
    Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

    To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

    Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

    If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

    The problem:
    How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.

    The solution:
    Eat it in the parking lot.

    Diet tips:

    Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

    If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don t they actually counteract each other?

    Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

    Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

    A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

    If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

[Babs]

Cheeks!

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

    So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

[Babs]

Automatic Radio

    A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

    She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie," she replies. Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

    At the traffic light, her light turned green and as she proceeded through the intersection, out of the corner of her eye she saw a small sports utility vehicle run the red light and head right towards her vehicle. She swerves out of his way, narrowly missing a head on collision. "JERK!" she screams! and from the Radio ..."LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ..."

[Babs]

A Woman's Random Thoughts

    If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free ... You either married it or gave birth to it.

    Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

    Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

    Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

    One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

    My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

    The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

    The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

    Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

    Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

    I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

    Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

    Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

    A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but she doesn't really care.

    They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class for invigorating toning? "Clear as a bell my body said, "listen lady ... do it and die."

    The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

    I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

    I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

    If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

[Babs]

... thoughts for people who take life too seriously

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

    A day without sunshine is like, night.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    Clones are people two.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

    If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ...

    OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

    Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what in the world happened.

[Babs]

19 things that took me 50 years to learn

by Dave Barry

    1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

    3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

    4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

    5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

    6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

    8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

    9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    10. Never lick a steak knife.

    11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

    12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

    13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

    14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

    16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

    17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

    18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

    19. Your friends love you anyway.

[Babs]

One-liners ...

    I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

    I'm not tense ... just terribly, terribly alert.

    If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    I was thinking that woman should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

    I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.

    I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

    Go ahead and take risks ... just be sure that everything will turn out okay.

    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

    I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

    How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

    After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

    If you're sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

    I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

    If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

    Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

    Why does a 24-hour-open store have locks on the doors?

    If aliens are a more intelligent race, how come they abduct the stupidest people?

    Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change!

    Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.

    Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

    After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

    I am a nobody ... nobody is perfect ... therefore I am perfect.

    "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

    I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

    "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

    "How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?"

    Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

    On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes.

    Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

    The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

    Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

    Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

    "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

    Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea ..."

    Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    I see your IQ test results were negative.

    Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.

    I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.

    I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

    If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

    The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

    Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

[Babs]

Only in America

    Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

    Only in America ... do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Babs]

Quirks About Life ...that you notice by the time you are fifty

    Most people deserve each other.

    All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

    The one who snores will fall asleep first.

    The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

    If you help a relative in need, he or she will remember you the next time they are in need.

    The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

    Toothaches always start on Friday night when the dentist's office will be closed for the weekend.

[Babs]

Signs! Signs!

    Actual Signs Posted by Businesses

    On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

    Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.

    On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

    On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push!

    Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

    Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

    Scientist's Door: Gone Fission.

    Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

    Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

    Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

    Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet ... miss a car payment.

    Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

    Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.

    Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.

    Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

    Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

    The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

    Beauty Shop: Dye now!

    Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

    Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

    Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

    Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

    Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

    Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

    Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

[Babs]

Technology for Country Folk

    Log On - Making a wood stove hot

    Log Off - Too much wood on fire

    Monitor - Keep'n an eye on the wood stove

    Down Load - Gitten the farwood off'n the truck

    Mega Hertz - When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood

    Floppy Disc - Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

    Ram - That thar thang what splits the farwood

    Hard Drive - Gitten home in the winter time

    Windows - Whut to shut when its cold outside

    Screen - Whut to shut when its black fly season

    Byte - Whut dem dang flys do

    Chip - Munchies fer the TV

    Micro Chip - Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

    Modem - Whatcha do to the hay fields

    Dot Matrix - Ole Dan Matrix's wife

    Lap Top - Whar the kitty sleeps

    Keyboard - Whar you hang the dang truck keys

    Software - Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

    Mouse - What eats the grain in the barn

    Mouse Pad - That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

    Main Frame - Holds up the barn roof

    Port - Fancy flatlander wine

    Enter - Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"

    Click - Whut you hear when you cock yer gun

    Double Click - When you cock the double barrel

    Reboot - Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

[Babs]

10 Rules of Housekeeping

        * Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
        * Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
        * Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
        * Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
        * In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
        * Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
        * If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
        * If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes ..."
        * Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it ..."
        * Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere ..."

[Babs]

The Perks of being Over 50

        * Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
        * Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
        * Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
        * People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
        * People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
        * There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
        * Things you buy now won't wear out.
        * You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
        * You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
        * You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
        * You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
        * You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
        * You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
        * You sing along with elevator music.
        * Your eyes won't get much worse.
        * Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

[Babs]

The Rabbit is Dead

    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it but unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again. He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says ...

    It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

[Babs]

Things only Women Understand

    Cats' facial expressions.

    The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

    Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

    The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

    Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

    Eyelash curlers.

    The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

    Crying can be fun.

    Fat clothes.

    A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

    Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

    A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

    Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

[Babs]

    God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

    My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

    Finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

    Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

    All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

    If all is not lost, where is it?

    It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

    Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

    I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

    When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

    It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

    These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

[Babs]

Workplace Wisdom

    I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

    I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

    Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

    Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

    Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

    I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

    My reality check bounced.

    On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

    I don't suffer from stress, but I am a carrier.

    You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

    Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

    Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

    Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

    A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

    Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

    Eat one live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

    When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

    If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

    Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

    To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

    Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

    Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

    If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

    You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

    People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

    If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

    At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

    When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

    Following the rules will not get the job done.

    Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

    When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

[Babs]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned
...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
...they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because
...it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that
...was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but
...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just
...didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
...couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found
...I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
..didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I
...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
...couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I
...tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was
...just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I
...wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I
...wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I
...was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was
...no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
...was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!

[Babs]

 One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the
Display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95
              Shopping Barbie for $19.95
              Beach Barbie for $19.95
              Disco Barbie for $19.95
              Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
              Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
              Skater Barbie for $19.95
              Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..."Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends.

[Babs]