a few funnies from the PC lady

[Babs]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.

You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[Babs]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(are you ready?)














(are you sure?)








(here it comes!!!)






The bank manager looks back at her and says,


"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.

Give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Babs]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,

"So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error?

What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, " and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T (*makes mental note to use this one someday*)

[Babs]

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Fresno, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Dallas Texas. Upon entering a church in this Northern area of Texas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. This is God's country... and it's a local call."

(p.s. had to change a couple of words to make this a true joke lol)

[Babs]

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" 

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am." 

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. 

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Babs]

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $1,000 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women,
but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used!"

[Babs]

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...

"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

[Babs]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of  Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.

Why, How can this be?"

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says, "Up here, we work by results," "While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed." 

[Babs]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little  boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Babs]

Just Throw It In The River

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." 

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[Babs]

Dearest Redneck Son...

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and  pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.

About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Love,
     Your Favorite Aunt

[Babs]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk,
took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was brilliant!

[Babs]

Going Fishing

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register.

In the meantime the woman passes gas. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way
he could tell it was her, being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50.

[Babs]

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
 
One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts  and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing  them.

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he  heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one  for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the  cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"  When the boy insisted,  the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth, let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet  were still unable to see anything.   

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they  heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate,  and  we'll be done."

They say, the old guy made it back to town  before the boy!

[Babs]

TWO BOYS

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing  - and they think WE did it.!"

[Babs]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
       
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
       
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
       
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[Babs]

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
       
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
       
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

[Babs]

An older preacher told the story of a young minister interviewing for his first pastorate. The Pulpit Committee had invited him to come over to their church for the interview. The committee chairman asked, "Son, do you know the Bible pretty good?"
       
The young minister said, "Yes, pretty good." The chairman asked, "Which part do you know best?" He responded saying, "I know the New Testament best." "Which part of the New Testament do you know best," asked the chairman. The young minister said, "Several parts." The chairman said, "Well, why don't you tell us the story of the Prodigal Son." The young man said, "Fine."
       
"There was a man of the Pharisees name Nicodemus, who went down to Jericho by night and he fell upon stony ground and the thorns choked him half to death.
       
"The next morning Solomon and his wife, Gomorrah, came by, and carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care of. But, as he was going through the Eastern Gate into the Ark, he caught his hair in a limb and he hung there forty days and forty nights and he afterwards did hunger. And, the ravens came and fed him.
       
"The next day, the three wise men came and carried him down to the boat dock and he caught a ship to Ninevah. And when he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. He said, "Chunk her down, boys, chunk her down." And, they said, "How many times shall we chunk her down, till seven time seven?" And he said, "Nay, but seventy times seven." And they chucked her down four hundred and ninety times.
       
"And, she burst asunder in their midst. And they picked up twelve baskets of the leftovers. And, in the resurrection whose wife shall she be?"
       
The Committee chairman suddenly interrupted the young minister and said to the remainder of the committee, "Fellows, I think we ought to ask the church to call him as our minister.
       
He is awfully young, but he sure does know his Bible."

[Babs]

Biblical Songs   

      Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" 
      Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" 
      Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" 
      Esther: "I Feel Pretty" 
      Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" 
      Moses: "The Wanderer" 
      Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" 
      Samson: "Hair" 
      Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" 
      Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" 
      Joshua: "Good Vibrations" 
      Peter: "I'm Sorry" 
      Esau: "Born To Be Wild" 
      Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" 
      The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" 
      Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" 
      Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" 
      Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" 
      Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy" 

[Babs]

At a local Burger King an elderly couple came in and ordered one burger, one order of fries and one coke with two glasses. When they got to their booth, the man placed a napkin in front of himself and one in front of his wife, then proceeded to divide the fries, cut the burger in half and divided the coke equally.
       
A gentleman nearby noticed and offered to buy them another burger, fries and Coke.
       
The woman then said, "No you don't understand. We've been married over 50 years and all our life we agreed to split everything right down the middle."
       
Her husband then began eating, as she sat with her hands in her lap.
       
The gentleman nearby noticed and asked the lady why she wasn't eating.
       
She replied, "As I said before, we split everything right down the middle, and it's his day to use the teeth first."

[Babs]

THIS HAS TO BE THE BEST SINGLES AD EVER

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....




Scroll down...





Keep going...




A little more...




Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society!

[Babs]

Texas Crazy Law
# It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

# A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
# It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.

# The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

# When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

# It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

# You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

# A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

# It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

# It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

Abilene
# It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin
# Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont
# Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Borger
# It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.

Clarendon
# It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

El Paso
# Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."

Houston
# Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

# It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Galveston
# It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.

Jasper
# Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.

LeFors
# It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

Lubbock County
# It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.

Mesquite
# It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur
# Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Richardson
# It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.

# It is illegal to do "U Turns".

San Antonio
# It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

# It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.

Temple
# No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.

# You can ride your horse in the saloon.

# Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.

Texarkana
# Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

[Babs]

What are the pictures?
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

[Babs]

Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

[Babs]

Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."