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Started by Sis, December 20, 2008, 10:11:44 PM

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Lynx

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down.  You have my Word!
"Do you sing at church?"
"Yes I sing at church, I sing at home, at work, in the car, at the supermarket, at Wal-Mart..."
:sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing:

Lynx

Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in you Jell-O.

*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
"Do you sing at church?"
"Yes I sing at church, I sing at home, at work, in the car, at the supermarket, at Wal-Mart..."
:sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing:

rootbeer

A guy from Poland comes to the US and meets a nice girl and gets married.  His English isn't very good but they get along ok.  One day he runs to a lawyer's office and says he needs to get a divorce.
The lawyer says, "Do you have grounds?"
The Polish guy says, "Ve have an acre and a half."
The lawyer says, "No, I mean do you have a grudge?"
Polish guy:  "Ve just have a carport, is that ok?"
Lawyer:  "Well does your wife beat you up?"
Polish guy:  "No, I always up first."
Lawyer:  "Let's try it this way; why do you want a divorce?"
Polish guy:  "My wife, she plan to kill me."
Lawyer:  "How do you know?"
Polish guy:  "She going to poison me.  She buy bottle from drug store and I can read.  On bottle it say, "Polish remover."
The name of the Lord is a strong tower.

Lynx

Ah good, rootbeer is back.  I've missed your posts here. 
"Do you sing at church?"
"Yes I sing at church, I sing at home, at work, in the car, at the supermarket, at Wal-Mart..."
:sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing:

The Purple Fuzzy

FEW OF THE FUNNY SHORT LITTLE JOHNY JOKES :)

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNY : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
JOHNY : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNY : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
JOHNY: Yes it's really strange , because I've got another pair just like that at home.

TEACHER : JOHNY, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
JOHNY: No, teacher, it's the same dog !!!


rootbeer


 
He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow
made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say Yes? or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall
her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued:

"And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me! 







The name of the Lord is a strong tower.

rootbeer

A blonde, holding a baby, walks into a drugstore and asks if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the storekeeper. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weigh the mother alone and subtract the mother's weight."
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Well," she says, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
The name of the Lord is a strong tower.

Lynx

But how would you get the mother to weigh herself without the baby?  That would be telling her weight, which is something you never ask a lady to do. Or at least you never ask a lady to tell her weight if you want to keep your head on your shoulders.  :P
"Do you sing at church?"
"Yes I sing at church, I sing at home, at work, in the car, at the supermarket, at Wal-Mart..."
:sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing:

Lynx

I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes the peas taste funny
But they stick well to the knife
"Do you sing at church?"
"Yes I sing at church, I sing at home, at work, in the car, at the supermarket, at Wal-Mart..."
:sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing:

Lynx

(Side note: The forum warned me that this thread hasn't been posted to in more than 120 days, so it might be considered a dead thread.  Really, nobody has any jokes for more than 120 days?)

So once there was a trucker who made deliveries all over the country.  He was a religious man and wherever he was on Sunday he would try to find a church of some kind to attend.  One day in a small town in Montana he saw a church with a big sign out front, "The Church of the Golden Telephone."  Curious, he stopped and walked inside.  In the sanctuary, on the side wall, there was a golden telephone.  He asked the pastor what was up with the gold phone on the wall.  "Oh that's a direct line to God.  Only $2,000 per call."

"Two thousand for one phone call?!" the trucker exclaimed. "That's pretty steep, even for long distance."

The pastor said, "Yes, but it IS a direct line to the big guy himself."

The truck driver decided to pass on making a call that day.  But over the next few weeks, as he made deliveries across the country, he noticed these Churches of the Golden Telephone popping up all over the place.  Wisconsin, New York, Nevada, even California... they were everywhere!  And every time he stopped at one, the story was always the same.  Golden telephone on the wall, direct line to God, $2,000 a call.

One day he made a delivery to West Tennessee.  Driving through Jackson, he saw yet another of those churches so he stopped, mostly out of habit by now. In the sanctuary he saw the same kind of gold phone on the wall. The pastor of that church came up behind him and said, "Hey, wanna make a call to God?"

"I know" the trucker said, "$2,000 per call."

"Nope.  25 cents a call."

The trucker was startled.  "Now wait a minute" he said, "I'm a truck driver and I've been all over the country, and everywhere I've stopped at one of these gold phone churches, it has been 2,000 bucks!"

The pastor said, "Yeah, but all those places it was long distance.  Here it's a local call."
"Do you sing at church?"
"Yes I sing at church, I sing at home, at work, in the car, at the supermarket, at Wal-Mart..."
:sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing: