Misc. stuff

[Lynx]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"

[The Purple Fuzzy]

You can't do that now, they won't give ANY information.

[Lynx]

Making Up For Lost Time

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on-time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared, and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country, he was told to turn due south. Knowing that this turn would throw him further behind schedule, with some agitation he inquired to the controller about the reason for the turn off course.

The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look, buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over six miles above the earth!"

The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747s collide!"

[Lynx]

I was talking to a lady at work yesterday about the impending time change.  She mentioned that when the time changed it always made her so tired and draggy the next day.  I said "What do you mean?  In the fall we GAIN an hour, how could you be tired with an extra hour of sleep?"

She said, "Yeah but staying up until 1:00am to change the clocks over wears me out!"

[Lynx]

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner and
burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

- By Jack Prelutsky

[Lynx]

To: All Employees
   From: Management
   Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
     
   Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
   guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and
   Leisure Industry Council).
   
   1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is
      discouraged.
   
   2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (it
      runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
   
   3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
   
   4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through
      the woods to Grandma's house.
   
   5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
   
   6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
   
   7. In spite of all this,
      the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[Lynx]

The *12 Days of Christmas - Re-Examined*

In light of competition, global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination.

Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Happy Holidays!

Santa's Workshop Inc., a Limited Liability Partnership Corporation

[Lynx]

Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree... Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree... Mind your tail when you are near the tree... If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open... And Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it...

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!

[Lynx]

The four lifetime stages of Christmas:

1.  When you believe in Santa.
2.  When you don't believe in Santa.
3.  When you are Santa.
4.  When you look like Santa.

[Mountain Dew]

A new word: heavy dew.

Use in sentence: Can I heavy dew me a favor? 

[The Purple Fuzzy]

I'm told that a young mother enlisted the help of a friend in taking
her infant identical twins to the doctor. Since the waiting area was
full, the two women, each with a twin, were seated on opposite sides
of the room. After a few minutes someone commented, "It's amazing
how much those two babies look alike!"

The friend was quick to reply, "Well, they should. They have the
same father." I haven't heard whether the misunderstanding was ever
straightened out.

[taco_harvell]

8 Dimwits

1.Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2.A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3.The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
4.A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
5.Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
6. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, and then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
7.When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
8.A Los Angeles man, who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5-mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

[taco_harvell]

Test Questions and Self-Evident Answers

In which battle did Stonewall Jackson die? His last one.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom of the page.

River Ravi flows in which state? Liquid.

What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage.

What is the main reason for failure? Exams.

What can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.

What looks like half an apple? The other half.

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? Wet.

How can a man go eight days without sleeping? No problem, he sleeps at night.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand? You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? Very large hands.

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? No time at all, the wall is already built.

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Any way you want; concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[taco_harvell]

A mother walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top. Mother: "Why did you pour out the whole box?" Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.' So, I'm looking for the seal."

[taco_harvell]

While handing a 25 cents-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said. "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

[Lynx]

PERSPECTIVE

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!

[Lynx]

A father said to his teenage daughter, "I want you home by 11:00 tonight."

"But Daddy," she protested, "I'm not a little girl anymore."

"You're right." he answered. "Better make it 10:00!"

[AmenSister]

 

[Lynx]

Tips for student pilots.

1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.

12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.  Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.

25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

And a bonus tip:

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

[Melody]

[Heather]

 

[Lynx]

Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version.

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

[sunlight]

did you really lose your stuff?

[Lynx]

No way, I have three backups on external hard drives.  I put a lot of time into getting all those songs from old records, I'm not about to lose it to a hard drive failure.  Offsite backup too - one of the hard drives I keep at church.   Admittedly three external hard drives is a bit overboard for most people... but I'm fairly certain I'll never lose my files. 

This was just something I picked up from a Cybersalt email and thought it was cute.

[MelodyB]

I read that "song" when I woke up this morning early...and when I fell back asleep, I was singing the Tim Hawkins Chick fl A song in my head. Lol!